Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

[tedrekasta]

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

May I say that I am quite impressed with yoU Ted
Yes you've made a huge mistake but it would have been so easy for you to walk away and never see your Polish daughter ever again.
To not put your marriage in jeopardy and have to deal with the fall out.

But you haven't. You have stuck by your Polish dd. You have done the best you could with the situation and your main worry is still your two daughters. And your wife.
I wish more men were as responsible for their mistakes as you are.

And yes a trip to the GP sounds a very good idea.
Alcohol won't solve the issues but will only make them worse (esp in relation to your wife who will have to live with you drunk iyswim)

Thanks PollytheDolly and RedAndYellowPeppers.

Thanks for your kindness.

It's strange. But I find more encouragement and kindness on this forum than I do in my everyday life.

Maybe the internet really can be a force for good.

Thanks again

Please don't 'drown your sorrows'. It only ever makes a bad situation worse.

See your GP and request counseling. This has turned your world upside down and you need help in processing that. Your wife has been dictating your feelings and you need to be able to find who you are in all this.

Another echoing the please cut back on the drinking. It really won't help your case in trying to win back your wife - and may seriously hinder it.

I too am impressed how you've stepped up to the plate.

ted well done on getting your Polish text book out. You can certainly learn a new language at your age, admitedly it's harder especially if you don't have an aptitude for languages but practice helps.

I agree with a cooling off period but also time to let things settle. This has all been a big shock for all of you especially your wife and her sister. It will take time for the facts to sink in and decisions can be made and changed at a later date.

I strongly suggest the counselling too, I can see why you've slipped onto the wine but that won't help really. Counselling will help clarify everyone's thoughts and help you all decide how to go forwards.

Duolingo.com Ted

Thanks again everyone. It seems that counselling is not that easy to get on the NHS and that private is rather expensive.

But I shall pursue it.

Meanwhile, my wife and I are getting on with life and ignoring the elephant in the room for the 6 weeks as agreed. Though I do have to stop myself starting a conversation about it. I have the most awful headaches which I put down to stress. And I'm not at my best at work. I hope they don't notice.

Anyway we shall see what the future holds. But I have, internally, come to the conclusion that I have to find a way to see my Polish daughter whilst not pushing my wife over the edge and into divorce. I am totally miserable about not seeing her and our video calls are just not the same and not enough.

Basically, I worry that after 6 weeks nothing will move on. Which would devastate me.

Hi Ted

Glad you're getting support on this thread!

Sorry to hear you e turned to drink. Hopefully after the six week period you can talk to your wife and resolve things and feel better.

While your English daughter might not be excited to have a little sister. It's still her sister and she may want to have a relationship with her. What form that would take is difficult to know, but even an occasional letter could be pissible with google translate. I know I would want some relationship, as a woman in my 40s, if I found out I had a much younger sister. She isn't your wife so she won't feel betrayal in the same way. She will be angry no doubt but I would doubt as much as your wife. You owe it to her to give her the choice.

Sorry to hear about the 75% maintenance. But as you say hopefully you can resolve that in time. At least you have the web cam chats. And your wife seems to accept that you may have to go to Poland for work, so that problem is not insurmountable.

Still wondering why you want to stay with your wife though. There don't seem many positive points to your relationship with her.

Ted, I do think part of your wife's wish for the 6 weeks is her hope that once it's over you'll be content to just let things drift on and not push to tell your elder daughter and not want to visit your younger daughter? I can't imagine she suggested this period knowing that it would all be brought back up again at the end of it when she's so opposed to it, do you? That wouldn't make sense. Could her thought be "If I can get Ted to drop this for 6 weeks and if I see that things run smoothly during that time, I'm pretty sure that he won't want to rock the boat by bringing it up again".

Has this been a pattern in your marriage? A 'difficulty' followed by a period of 'silence' that then becomes the 'norm' and the issue is never raised again? Think carefully.

And you should pursue counseling, even if you have to pay for it.

I'd look into Relate OP and don't always assume counsellors are expensive some offer reduced rates.

Rather talk things through with your wife and get feelings aired than let things fester and end up with resentment and possibly divorce.

Please get councilling

You've had this experience that completely estranges you from your wife - emotionally, geographically, physically - all the allys. The gulf between your perspectives must be huge. I think you're going to need a neutral third party.

Thanks heateallthebuns lovedeathprizes superlyhigh and acrossthepond55

As always it was kind of you to spend time helping me.

I feel very worried about what to expect at the end of the 6 weeks. I suppose I had hoped that the 6 weeks would give us time to reflect on the whole thing with a view to achieving a workable solution. But from what you have said I am now worrying that my wife might be hoping that nothing changes.

From her past behaviour towards me I cannot fathom what the outcome of the 6 week not talking about it will be.

I have to say though that there is one positive outcome so far. I was unbelievably stressed and distressed. And whilst I am still low and stressed I do feel a little bit better. And not talking about 'it' all the time is a relief of sorts. Though I do realise it's a rather false sense of what to expect.

It could all be back to square one after the 6 weeks.

Thanks again everyone.

One of those weeks has gone already. It's now five. Did you confirm an actual date to resume negotiations, or has it all been a bit vague?

I too get the feeling that you will be reluctant to bring it up after five weeks and she will obviously be keeping very quiet on the subject.

Fairenuff
Yes that's a fair point. BUT I do want to see my Polish daughter on a regular basis and so we have to negotiate that point.

Also, as someone else posted if they had a younger half sister they didn't know about it would be a kind of 'loss' when they did find out.

I would love to hear from anyone else who has a much much younger half sister ({25 years difference in age) and what they think of the whole thing. And did it work out well or badly. Did you enjoy discovering you had a younger sister or did you hate it?

Thanks for any help.

I've got one but only a ten year difference not twenty-five however even though it wasn't her fault she just reminds me of our father leaving my mother for hers and we have no contact or relationship at all. There will be many people having the opposite experience presumably so no one knows how it will work with your daughters until if and when it happens. Maybe your wife fears that your younger daughter is some kind of threat to her relationship with the older daughter in terms of loyalty and that could be why she doesn't want her to know about her.

Ted I've followed your thread, and I honestly really feel for you, I think, as big a fuck up as it was, you're certainly trying to do the right thing now.

Alcohol is a depressant, and will only make things worse, and make everything harder to deal with, work, home, everything.

Please stick to your guns when the 6 weeks is up, you and your polish dd deserve to be in each others lives.

I wish you all the best.

I am 34 and would definitely want to know if I had younger half-siblings out there. Not just because I would want to build a relationship with them myself (I would) but because my daughter would also be the right age to get to know them and play with them.

We don't have that many cousins etc, and my only sibling shows no sign of wanting children, so an extra family member would be really lovely in many ways.

Of course, I might feel a bit funny about it, but I like to think that the benefits would outweigh the bad bits.

I would not want to know

I think that would depend on what sort of r/ship your English DD has with her mother. I would not have been interested in any offspring from my father's numerous affairs our of fierce loyalty to my mother. My mother is no longer alive & my father elderly - my attitude today, if any should surface, would be very different & I'd be interested in forming a friendship.

"Your wife has been dictating your feelings and you need to be able to find who you are in all this."

Although tbh she's had a bit of a bombshell to deal with herself.

I'm late 40's and my possibly half sibling is 4
I could be his grandma. I couldn't quite be his mums mum but ...
I've not met him, dad denys that he's his birth child, he just has parental responsibility. Cos yeah, you would
I'm ambivalent now. I don't want to meet the woman, I'm kinda had interested in the little boy but as he's so young I'm sure he has no knowledge or awareness of me.

By the time he grows up and is interested, I'm sure 'daddy' will be dead or senile. He's nearly the same age as you Ted
Btw, my disinterest is more related to dad living a complete lie and this other woman knowing allllll about us, for years, and them having an ongoing relationship
I do have sympathy for you in finding yourself in this situation. I have sympathy for my dad to a degree! I don't think he PLANNED this ... it ran away with him

My feelings toward dad change all the time, I'm not jealous of the boy, disengaged/disinterested/disgusted with my dad

Glad you're feeling a bit better ted! Hopefully the break from talking about it will allow you to feel stronger!

Just discovered this post a bit too late to give advice. When my sister was 16 and I was 18 we discovered that we have a half sister 6 years younger than me. It coincided with my dad leaving the family(not for the mother of that child!). Out of loyalty to our mum who was devastated it never occurred neither to me or my sister to have anything to do with that half-sibling. It was more than 20 years ago. If I discovered it now, that I had a much younger sister all along, but my mum was desperate for it not to come out, I'd totally understand and never blame my mum.

My father went on to have a couple more relationships and also had a daughter who is exactly the same age as my daughter, his granddaughter. He and my youngest sister live in another country far away, but I know if we lived in the same country and I was your daughter, I'd be hoping you are also very involved with my children, who are likely to be of similar ages to your Polish daughter. If I discovered that you make every effort to go to another country to see a child who you are hoping is your daughter even if she might not be (you said you rather not know if she isn't, because you enjoy having a "baby daughter" so much), and at the same time you, say, are not very interested in definitely YOUR biological grandchildren, I'd be very hurt.
To be honest, he Polish woman's behaviour with flinging herself on you sounds very suspicious, most pregnancies can go +- 2 weeks off 40 weeks, so it's very easy for a woman to have strong suspicion she might be pregnant and organise extra sex to rope you in, and you sound as an ideal candidate who would be excited to play Daddy in his old age and is financially stable and decent enough to provide. I wouldn't believe Polish DNA test results(did they arrive in the post and were in Polish?) for a second.

Just tell her your wife needs her to provide another DNA test done in UK to continue sending maintenance and see what her reaction will be.

Thank you again everyone.

I feel 'conflicted' as Americans would say.

I do want my English daughter to know about her Polish half sister.

But from reading the comments I get the feeling that it may be a mistake for her to know.

My reading of your comments is:
1 I wouldn't want to know
2 Too big an age difference to have a good relationship
3 It reminds me of how awful my father is/was

I find this upsetting. I suppose in my (possibly deluded) mind I had hoped that my older English daughter and my young Polish daughter could be friends. Obviously I am wrong.

Sadly, this week on a video call with my Polish daughter she said she really wanted to meet my English daughter (all done through either her poor English or computer translate).

So, now I feel very confused. Maybe my wife is right and I shouldn't tell our English daughter.

Now, after everything, I just want the whole thing 'out'. No more lies. I feel really c**p about myself.

Unfortunately, contrary to everyone's advice I have resorted to the wine and whisky bottle. I just cannot bear thinking about everything. Which I know makes me a loser. Maybe I am.