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Original poster

Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

999 replies

tedrekasta · 05/02/2017 12:00

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

OP posts:
marjolaine · 12/02/2017 19:38

Oops posted too soon!

...That poor little girl who would probably grow up believing she's been cast off by her dad. That's the kind of thing that stays with you all your life. I'd rather be alone than mess up my child like that.

YouWillNotSeeMe · 12/02/2017 19:47

I think mojito speaks a lot of sense sadly. If the date s match up perfectly, but then she also said she knew she wasn't on her fertile period, it doesn't make sense. Or unless the child is yours and she was looking for a willing sperm donor that came with maintainence. Saved money on IVF as a single woman and got money as well. I'm sure you know how much further money will go in Poland.
Hope the chat went well, and please consider your own DNA test

MixedGrill · 12/02/2017 20:24

Good grief, Ted, I am so sorry about your father. So sad you had to endure that,

You don't have to be grateful for any crumb of attention that comes your way, you know.

You made a mistake but you sound kind.

Things won't be repaired in one meeting. But if you set your heart on what is important to you, in time, it may be possible.

Please get counselling. You need strength, clarity and someone whose job it is to be on your side.

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QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 12/02/2017 21:06

Ted I feel pathetically jealous. I'm in my 50's - he (prodigal son?) is 4

I'm in the process of selling inherited furniture from his parents as I just can't have it in my house
I've not met him, I kinda wouldn't mind, but my mum would Be devastated - and all the while I don't, neither he nor I know what we are missing

I actually don't think he knows about me and my sister anyway, at 4 I'm sure he wouldn't grasp that we are his sisters as we're older than his mum. I couldn't quite be his mums mum, but could certainly be his gran

I have a suspected ulcer at the moment

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 12/02/2017 21:07

Sorry fat fingers, I'm in my 40's

MojhitoSparkle · 12/02/2017 22:51

Ted, are you ok? Hope you are alright.

MixedGrill · 13/02/2017 09:29

Another one thinking of you.

BenLinusatemyhomework · 13/02/2017 10:25

Hope it was too bad yesterday Ted.

NotMyPenguin · 13/02/2017 16:17

Just wanted to say I have been thinking about you and your family today too.

MojhitoSparkle · 13/02/2017 17:56

Oh gosh it's terrible not knowing how it went.

If we don't hear by tomorrow I think we should start making up our own endings just to get some closure on this emotional rollercoaster!

I've checked BBC news and there don't appear to have been any domestic murders in the NE, so I don't think he was stabbed with a cake slice at least.

Hope you're ok Ted.

Alwayscheerful · 13/02/2017 18:43

Hoping Ted is ok?

PollytheDolly · 13/02/2017 18:55

No news is good news, no? Sad

NoArmaniNoPunani · 13/02/2017 19:26

How did the meeting go Ted?

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/02/2017 05:26

I don't know if you're still reading this thread Ted. I've been away so just got chance to catchup. You actually sound like a lovely man, who never had a chance to be your own person. Yes, you cheated on your wife. However, I think she needs to own her responsibility in this too as you do not have an intimate relationship. Please understand, I'm not saying it's her fault. I don't think it's your fault either. Rather circumstances. And I'd rather not apportion blame as it's an ugly reaction. I hope you managed to sort this out with your wife. I also believe your English daughter needs to know. The conditions your wife is imposing on you are unreasonable. If she is a decent person, she will know a child's needs come above her own and in time will change her views.

SuperFlyHigh · 14/02/2017 11:11

I saw this thread in actives and just thought i'd post to say I hope you are ok OP.

Agree with mummyoflittledragon's last post to a certain degree.

It's a horrid situation all round and I hope you manage to get it sorted out.

Fairenuff · 14/02/2017 11:25

I expect he has agreed to everything his wife wanted. That's what he said he was going to do. And he won't come back because posters were telling him not to abandon his Polish dd. But that's what he's going to do.

scootinFun · 14/02/2017 11:35

I imagine he's trying to deal with the outcome of the discussion. Hopefully his wife realised he couldn't in good conscience abandon his youngest daughter. Fingers crossed anyway.

poundinthewood · 14/02/2017 15:26

This story gives me the chills. 1) Why on earth was OP looking for advice on MN five/six years after the event? A person self-reportedly racked with such guilt would surely have sought counsel before now. 2) 'Polish' lady was rather lucky to conceive unaided after a ONS at the age of 42 during a miraculous sexual awakening by OP after a 30 year dormancy. 3) OP is a homebody who dislikes even driving, yet is happy to schlep overseas several times a year, how unusual. 4) The three stereotypical-sounding figures in terms of wife, daughter from marriage and daughter from ONS, all regularly circling like the witches in Stardust, when in reality OP would likely have gravitated towards one of them after five or so years, particularly when one has a needy personality such as I get the impression OP has. 5) What man would welcome a visit from his SIL to support his wife in a laying down of the rules of engagement?

Well, you decide, but I don't go for it.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 14/02/2017 17:35

Looks like Ted has gone back to Poland 😂

RTKangaMummy · 14/02/2017 18:04

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YouWillNotSeeMe · 14/02/2017 18:57

He probably told his wife about MN telling him to tell her, and she has included a MN ban in that list as well.

Chippednailvarnishing · 14/02/2017 19:02

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Muddlewitch · 14/02/2017 19:08

I did wonder that Youwill.

Original poster
tedrekasta · 15/02/2017 10:07

SORRY everyone. I've had a very fraught few days. And my reply is going to be very long.
So forgive me, but I shall not reply now because I need to sit down for an hour or so to write my 'essay'.
The outcome is complicated and not what I wanted. And it has taken a lot of time to negotiate to where we are now.

I promise to write soon and give you the details and ask for your opinions.

Again sorry not to have been on the forum to explain this sooner.

OP posts:
Original poster
tedrekasta · 15/02/2017 10:08

And thank you for your kind best wishes. Much appreciated.

OP posts: