Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

[tedrekasta]

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

I really hope you tell your English daughter.

I'm in a similar situation as your English daughter and he knows I know, he knows I know, we both know we know and yet I've not heard a dicky bird

QODRest...

That must be upsetting. Can I ask you how do you feel about having a sister somewhere else in the world that you have never met? Do you want to meet her? Do you wish she didn't exist? What is your reaction to her?
Thanks

OP - I feel for the small boy in you that was bullied and emotionally abandoned by his parents, I really do. It is very common for this kind of abuse to leave a person powerless and emotionally stunted.

You sound so lonely and your life seems to lack any real deep intimacy, both physical and emotional, with anybody. Our ability to enter into intimate relationships is shaped during early infancy and if we received poor or abusive parenting than often this can lay the groundwork for personality and attachment disorders. Now, I'm not diagnosing you with any of those things, you need to see a professional for that, but you may want to start exploring these things and see what resonates with you.

I'm not going to comment on your external circumstances because, at present, you have a lot of maladaptive coping mechanism going on and you are constantly reacting instead of responding.

Your only way OUT of this is to go in. You can allow yourself to get swept along, get stuck in victim mode and flail about, hurting yourself and others in the process or you can refuse to let your early experiences blight your whole life. At 68, you haven't got loads left but the time you have is enough to get free and get connected to the real you and to get really connected to these people in your life that you love.

I would check out the work of Byron Katie at The Work.com and also look her up on YouTube. I would also second getting some counseling for yourself. Byron Katie talks about victims as being "violent people" because behaviour born of fear and sadness is so destructive.

Anyway, good luck for today. You're going to be utterly overwhelmed but that's ok, you've been utterly overwhelmed many times before and you endured and survived it. Be soft, with your wife and yourself. You did a shitty thing and you owe it to your family and you, to face the consequences of your actions but you didn't eat anyone's baby, you are not the devil incarnate. Hugs OP ((())).

BenLinusatemyhomework

Thank you. That was such a kind post. Just what I needed.

I feel like running out of the house and just running away.

Your post brought back a terrible memory of when I was 8 years old. My father had been beating me at home for days on end. And it pushed me over some kind of edge. So instead of going to school one day I ran away. For an 8 year old I did pretty well. I walked/ran about 5 miles. Then on an empty road in the middle of the countryside a kind policeman came along on his bike. He guessed straight away that I had run away from home because it was a school day and I was of school age walking along in the middle of nowhere. Plus, stupidly, I tried to hide in a ditch when I saw him coming towards me. So he walked me to a nearby petrol station and phoned for a police car (pre mobiles!) to come and take me home. But they took me to my local police station instead. And then a kind woman (presumably a social worker?) talked to me and tried to find out why I ran away. She kept asking if it was something at home. But I was too frightened to tell her. I thought my father would kill me. So, I lied and said I had been bullied at school. Then the police went and got my father from work and gave me to him in the police station, where he was all pleasantness to everyone. Then when we got outside I saw the utter hatred and fury in his eyes and the threat of violence.

When we got home I thought he was going to give me the beating of my life. But for some reason he didn't. He sent me to my bedroom and said I must stay there all evening and not have any food. But that was it.

I'll never understand why he didn't go crazy and be ultra violent which would have been typical of him.

Because he had nearly been caught by an outside agency who had the ability to stand up to him and he was treading carefully. I'm sure he returned to form once they didn't come back and check up on you, right?

This is completely beside the point but I found it funny that you pointed out that 60 years ago was pre-mobiles

Yes. Right. Never thought of it that way before.

Sorry, that was stupid of me. I have friends who have children who just cannot believe there was a time before mobiles :)

So yes. Funny. And rather old of me.

Secondly, I love my Polish daughter and the thought of discovering that she isn't my daughter is totally heartbreaking.And I can't imagine she would be happy suddenly losing her 'daddy'

If you choose to not see her anymore she's going to suddenly lose you anyway. It'll hurt her just as much. I don't think you are not her Dad but the thought seems to upset you a lot and you're worried it'll upset her at having no Dad. But it's the same situation you'll put her in if you agree to abandon her so that you can stay married. Why isn't that upsetting you enough.

I know I've been hard you, but I want to say Good Luck for this afternoon. I genuinely mean that. I hate confrontation myself and get how nervous you'll be feeling, but its something you have to face, you have to confront the contact issue because a little girl who has done nothing wrong is going to be left heartbroken if you don't insist contact stays.

ted not stupid, just made me chuckle.

I'm sorry you went through that Ted, you never deserved it.

Childhood trauma is devastating, you can't undo what happened to you but you can move forward and stop suffering the effects of that trauma. It's hard and messy and requires you to be brave enough to face some profound grief but you deserve to not suffer. You also deserve to not be the default abuser of those people closest in your life. You don't sound like someone who would ever raise their hand to a child and for that you should feel immensely proud of yourself, but you do sound emotionally disconnected and that leads to emotional neglect and harm in other ways.

Unfortunately, only you can take steps to change this but you need and deserve support and I would strongly encourage you to seek out help. Just like the woman at the police station, there are people who will help and support you but you have to be brave enough to open yourself up to it (and I'm not blaming your 8yr old self for not telling, he made a very logical decision based on his experiences and kept himself "safe" - but you're not 8 now, and nobody is going to beat you, so you are now safe to make a different choice).

I have been lurking on this thread and also wanted to say good luck for this afternoon.

Remember, you need to be strong for your younger daughter's sake - you want to be in her life, she wants you in her life, and none of this is her fault. You are trying to do the right thing by her, don't let your wife's justifiable anger and devastation stop you from doing so.

Also, I would imagine that your older daughter would be very upset to find out that "everyone else" knew about your younger daughter but she wasn't told. It will come out one day. Please make sure that she finds out from someone else.

Much earlier in the thread you mentioned that your daughter uses MN a lot. Did you hope deep down she might come across this?

It has some fairly identifying details!

My 11 year old can barely remember DVDs and CDs as we stream and purchase everything with Spotify, Amazon prime or Netflix, she can't get her head around how once over you only had a couple of channels and had to get off your arse to tune the channels in too, none of this remote control malarkey.

Felt really old the other day when I asked to pass me a cassette when sorting through a box of crap, she didn't have the foggiest idea what a cassette was

And apparently a world without the internet isn't a world she'd want to live in :)

FWIW OP, if I was your older daughter, I can't imagine what I'd feel knowing I had a half sister out in the world somewhere, but put my feelings I'd have for my father aside, I'd want a relationship with my half sister. She is only 5 years old. I hate to say this, and I admit I've been very harsh in my previous posts, but when you are gone, I'd want her to know she still had a piece of her dad and our blood in me. Not saying it would break my heart because I know it would being thrown into that situation, but I'd personally would want to know I could look out for her in the future.

Could you not view it that way? Both your daughters havnt asked for any of this ( and also your wife ) but wouldn't you like to know that your daughter may want a relationship with this little girl who along with everyone else has been thrown into a whirl wind?

So you can speak and read/write fluent polish?

Why does polish mother want to take your money but deny her daughter to learn English or ever go to England to visit you?

So she wants the English man to pay upkeep for daughter but doesn't want daughter to have any influence from English man like his language or visit where he comes from?

I know you are involved with little girl but take over DNA test from uk and get girl tested again then send results to uk clinic yourself without telling mother

As heartbreaking as it could be, I'd seriously look into DNA. Also some counselling because you need to be able to offload and no matter what happens from now on would give you a place to talk, teach you to stand up for yourself and professional support.

Good luck

Just for info: You can order a DNA test online; it involves swabbing the inside of your cheek and the inside of the other person's cheek and posting it off. Results take a few weeks to come back. A friend had good cause to test to see if his youngest child was his, after his exW had an affair and got pregnant. Child was his but he needed the certainty of knowing.

Secondly, I love my Polish daughter and the thought of discovering that she isn't my daughter is totally heartbreaking. And I can't imagine she would be happy suddenly losing her 'daddy'. So, in a way, I don't want to know if the test was wrong.

You've said all along how much she means to you, but now you've talked about cutting all contact to appease your wife. Good luck, your wife is going to e so angry and upset, but you need to decide if it comes to it whether to stay married and not see your daughter or see your daughter, agree your own DNA test would be a good idea. Cheek swab of your daughter when you are out there next. Tell the polish mother that your wife knows, things might be changing and you can't commit at the moment and you might need another DNA test to keep visiting.

Thanks for answering my questions around how she tracked you down.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but the more info you give the more and more it seems to me that's it's most likely you have been swindled.

You say the polish woman is honest, but also that the dates line up pretty much exactly. She told you it was a safe time for her to have sex. If she is your daughter, this means she lied to you.

I fear it is most likely this is not your daughter, and she targeted you to have sex that day to make you think it is your child. This would explain her pushy behaviour and her finding you irresistible all of a sudden.

Either way, whether it's your daughter or not, she has lied to you. You need to stop taking her at her word and stop trusting what she tells you without questioning it first.

Good luck Ted I hope you and your wife are managing to talk, however difficult it is.

Been wondering how things are going

I'm guessing high tea was at 4pm so they may still be talking.

Plus it can take a while to get through a high tea.i usually need a small break after the scones.

Good luck Ted.

Hope it goes as well as can be expected. Awaiting your update.

(I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if this isn't applicable)
Wow this whole situation is difficult... if this was me I'd probably be hugely apologetic and throw myself on my spouse's mercies but I'd insist on having access to my second child. That poor girl