Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

[tedrekasta]

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

I too am struggling to believe you are real. It sounds like a novel. You don't need a nice 'high tea' - I doubt your wife will want to choke on a cucumber sandwich.

But. If this situation is real:

1. Don't agree to any 'conditions' today. Your wife is hurt and angry. Listen but do not agree anything today - it is too soon.

2. Be very clear that you need to tell your firstborn DD. I suspect your wife doesn't want her to know mostly through embarrassment and fear. You are her father and she is an adult. She will hate you if you leave her in the dark - it's infantilising.

3. Don't agree to tell your work. That's ludicrous.

4. Apologise. Not in the "it wasn't my fault" way you've given off here, but sincerely. You can tell her you were stupid and flattered and it meant nothing past the sex but you can't imply it was anything but your own fault. None of the mealy-mouthed excuses about her leading you on.

5. Listen. Accept her anger. Be aware you cannot "fix" this today, or soon. Nothing will ever be as it was, but it could be better long-term than the last 5 years have been.

A nice high tea will really make everything ok.

Apart from you fucking someone behind your wife's back and having a child.

I am guessing Ted is using the high tea as a calming mechanism, or at least I hope it is. While you're slicing cucumbers and scattering the doilies please do think what you want from this conversation? Are you trying to lure her back into the marriage with a delightful high tea, no more hijinks and zero contact with your youngest daughter? Or are you going to pursue the relationship between your daughters that moved you to post on Mumsnet in the first place?

Either way, you did note that your wife had noticed the maintenance money going from the accounts so at least you have the advantage of confessing rather than being found out.

You have stated multiple times that your youngest daughter is precious to you and that you couldn't give up the relationship - if this is actually the case then now is the time to fight for her.

This is for you Ted 🍪, to go with your high tea, the proverbial biscuit !

A nice high tea? WTF.

Here's a contribution

Well done for being honest.

Your wife deserves a huge and sincere apology. Take responsibility for your own actions and agree that you are at fault rather than blaming anyone else. Tell her how much you love her and how much you want an honest relationship with her.

Stick up for your relationship with your Polish daughter, and your financial and personal responsibility to her. Don't agree to keep her secret. Don't agree to stop seeing her, or giving money for her maintenance. This is the whole reason you've taken the difficult step of telling the truth!

Ask your wife, apart from these responsibilities which you refuse to step down from, what you can do to help rebuild your relationship. Listen. Don't necessarily say yes or no right now. Take your time to think about what you want in life (and get advice from a solicitor on your rights).

She will be sick to the stomach. Won't be able to eat. You seem to have a healthy appetite though.

After all the 'my Polish dd is the most important, all that matters is her, I love her so much' I am astounded that you are prepared to drop her just like that.

Response to the Polish mother's text should be that you insist on a UK DNA test. She was probably already pregnant before she slept with you which would explain why she was desperate to jump on an ugly, old, fat loser (in your words).

I read most of this last night and was too tired to respond but the latest update A high tea! What are you thinking.

Here have a sandwich cut into cute rectangles whilst I discuss how I have a child from a five/few days/ one day love affair - that's I've kept from you for six years and have been using work as a way to facilitate a relationship.

I don't think your wife sounds like the nicest person tbh, it does sound like she has been EA during your marriage from what you say and I do think you sound like you are suffering from some form of mental health issue/depression but that is a separate issue and now you have to deal with the consequences of YOUR actions, nobody forced you into having an affair you decide to go through with it and break your marriage vows because despite your wives treatment of you, you chose for whatever reason to stay and not get a divorce.

A high tea is NOT appropriate.

Tell the SIL to keep out of it and discuss what happens next with your wife, but for goodness sake do not serve a high tea.

It should be a discussion, the start of understanding point of views not a bloody tea party

Everyone told you not to have more lies, by not telling your daughter you are having more lies.

Your daughter is an adult she can decide.

My dad last year had a mid life crisis And after 38 years of marriage asked for a divorce - no one else involved (then apparently)

I'm an adult I realise these things break down, I still see my dad - I don't think any worse of him.

Make sure you have her favourite teas, sandwiches etc. Camomile is calming. I suggest you avoid all European-themed cakes/pastries etc. Especially any Polish ones - that would anger her. Best of luck and do let me know how you get on.

OP, if high tea is something she normally loves, and preparing it will take your mind off any nervousness or anxiety, then I completely see why you're doing it. I hope it goes as well as it can and you both come to a resolution that is best for your marriage and for your daughters.

NotMyPenguin has good advice.

I hope the meeting is as constructive as possible.

You have told your wife so that you are no longer lying to her.
Not so that you now abandon your Polish child.
Hold on to that thought.

Well the OP clearly wants to have his cake and eat it.

Thanks again everyone.

The 'high tea' thing is basically because of nervousness on my part and because they are coming at tea time. And I am absolutely terrified. So one way to help me cope is to have something to do - cooking a cake, making sandwiches. I've already done all the cleaning, tidying etc.

You may be right that they don't want any of it. But I can barely cope with the agony of waiting and cooking is a distraction.

Plus, if the meeting comprises just sitting in the lounge looking at each other it seems to me to make things cold and harsh somehow. I don't know what's best. I am no good in confrontational situations. And just feel like crying. And going to bed with a hot water bottle. Basically to just run away from it all. Which I know is not a solution. But it's me.

Not possible to put off the sister in law being present now as I have already agreed to it and it would be just more aggro. And I think it will be a calmer atmosphere with her here.

Thanks for the advice on how to approach it.

As suggested I intend to start with a very full and honest apology - not blaming anyone other than myself. This of course assumes that I have the ability to say anything coherent. I worry that I shall just mumble in terror.

It's difficult to plan much further ahead than that. Other than to expect her to want to express her distress and anger at me.

Then I shall try to discuss my Polish daughter. The most difficult part of the conversation.

I don't know if I should pack a suitcase ready, just in case the whole thing goes badly and she kicks me out - which I realise she has every right to do. And I have to go to work tomorrow so I need clean clothes.

And I've suddenly been hit by the practicalities of separation. Some days I need a car. And we only have one car between us. And I need a car tomorrow for work. So, I suppose I shall book a hire car for tomorrow just so that I am sure I have access to one.

And now another text message from Poland that I can't think how to reply to.

Finally, a few of you have suggested another DNA test. But two points are that although I don't get on with the Polish woman. I do respect her and believe her to be honest. So I can't imagine the test was dodgy in any way. Secondly, I love my Polish daughter and the thought of discovering that she isn't my daughter is totally heartbreaking. And I can't imagine she would be happy suddenly losing her 'daddy'. So, in a way, I don't want to know if the test was wrong.

Thanks for all of your kind wishes. Much appreciated. Genuinely.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but good luck OP

I know it'll be the last thing you want to do, but don't pull back,lay everything down on the table. This is your chance to answer questions, tell the whole story and I think you should explain that you want a relationship with your daughter.
Your wife is understandably upset, but don't agree to doing anything you don't want

Nows your chance to be a man and get this all out once and for all

Let us know how you get on !

Apologies for the cross post.

I'm not sure if it's been said, but did you see documents and conformation from your daughters mother from the DNA test? You said you have no reason to believe she'd lie, but have you actually seen the results?

The date of birth of my Polish daughter corresponds accurately with when I was with the Polish mother. Whilst a few days either side are possible I find it hard to believe that she KNEW she was pregnant when she met me. After all it would take time to be able to test.

I think it highly unlikely that she is not my daughter.

Ted, question for you. You had sex with the Polish lady once, on a 5 day trip to Poland, you say it was never a relationship. How did she get in touch with you to tell you she was pregnant? The VERY soonest she could have known would have been about 1.5 to 2 weeks after intercourse, by which point you were already back in the U.K.

Yes, you go to Poland for work, but did she trawl round every hotel in town for weeks looking for you? It seems like you must have kept in touch? And if you really didn't want a relationship why would you keep in touch with her?

I do hope your wife is able to forgive you. That she can see that punishing you by stopping you seeing your daughter is unkind.

There is something a bit odd about a one night stand in a foreign hotel successfully tracking you down. I know you love your little girl, you might want to be a bit suspicious though. Could you do a test yourself?

Ted, have you considered getting counseling? I really think you should. I've been very harsh to you, and I still think you deserve it, but honestly you really need to do something to change your mindset from victim to active participant!

I don't think it's a bad idea to have SiL at this meeting. In situations like this it's often helpful to have a someone else there to (hopefully) act as a bit of a calming influence. Hopefully with her there your poor wife will be able to speak her piece less emotionally than if she didn't have an audience. And I hope you speak up, too, on behalf of BOTH of your children. Don't just sit there like a lump and agree with what your wife says. Think about both of your daughters and what they deserve.

And for God's sake, get counseling.

PICKLE, there is something odd, about Ted, altogether.

Aw don't be so mean, yes ted made a mistake but he is only human. He is trying his best here in a very difficult situation.

Ted my questions about how she tracked you down are genuine questions, curious to understand the situation, I wasn't having a dig. Just genuinely perplexed as to how she found you.

Hope tea is going as well as it can, under the circumstances.

I met her indirectly through my work in Poland hence she had my email address, my work physical snail mail address and my mobile numbers - work mobile for Poland and work mobile for UK. Also I have an unusual surname. So she didn't need to track me down. She already had enough information.

Furthermore, despite everything I am glad she 'tracked me down'. The thought of a child of mine not even knowing I exist is awful.

The 'fling' lasted 5 days just to correct a misapprehension. I think I mention this at the beginning.

You ask why we 'keep in touch':
So that I can pay maintenance
So that we can arrange me visiting my daughter.
And occasionally for other child related reasons. Such as telling me when she had her injections. When she got an ear infection. etc. I then usually either send a present to my daughter or try to move things around at work to get to Poland sooner than would be usual.

NOT for anything beyond that. Believe me I would never want a relationship with her.