Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

[tedrekasta]

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

My dad abandoned me after being in my life for a few years.

It has plagued my life, and I'm not being dramatic. I have always wondered why I wasn't good enough, why he would stop seeing me, what was wrong with me. Despite everyone's reassurances that the issues lay with him and not me, emotions are not rational and I've never been able to make sense of it. When i became a parent and experienced the overwhelming parental love to protect and keep safe my own children, this was intensified.

Abandoning your child because you are too scared to speak up for her is spineless. You made her. You are in her life. She deserves so much more but certainly not less than you are giving now.

I hope this is a wind up.

tedre really, well done for telling your wife.
I think in your had you are minimising that you had a short lived affair, but in reality you however carried on the deception and travelled monthly to see your other family, and sent money, this isn't what will hurt your wife and what she isn't reacting too. You have to see that.

You claim I have said a LOT of negative things about my wife.
What exactly? Please list them because I can't see what I have said that is negative about her.

A quick flick back through your posts.

All my life I have been called weak. Even by my wife on several occasions

And hence my wife's failure to see me as anything other than a workaday useless bloke who she doesn't fancy.

For the record my wife thinks I am a wimp and is probably right.

Whether or not that is true I am prepared to admit that my wife described me as being a 'needy' person on several occasions.

Kind of implies you don't feel your wife thinks much of you, I didn't mean you'd called your wife nasty names etc but that from some of the things you've wrote you feel she thinks negatively of you, I just meant that if you felt she thought so low of you, why didn't you leave years ago? If your Daughter told you her partner calls her weak and useless what would you advise her?

In the early part of the thread your desire was to go to Poland to be more involved in the five year olds upbringing. You accepted that you'd be doing that alone. Why the total u-turn and you're saying you'll abandon the five year old?

But in all of this, I honestly want to find the best way forward to help my lovely Polish daughter.If that means I should tell my wife and English daughter. So be it.

You're wife is hurting, you've had five years to get your thoughts together this is all very very new to her and you were very cruel to tell her via text message. I also think your wife is correct in insisting you do not tell the older Daughter and telling her herself given that you think a text is an appropriate way to do it.

You're sil shouldn't be negotiating term either, doesn't matter how kind she is, it's between you and your wife. Your wife can't make you not be involved with your polish Daughter, that choice is yours to make. I can totally understand why she doesn't want you visiting, by your own words you are unable to say no so how can your wife know that if the woman makes advances again you'd say no. If she stays in this marriage she needs to accept that your five your old matters just as much as your child with her. That's a very very big ask after the way you've treat her.

It doesn't matter who initiated it, you are the one who had a wife and child at home, you made the choice to ignore that and fuck another woman instead. If I read correctly you said your fling lasted 5 days? You must have thought about your wife during that time, about how hurt she'd be?

You haven't said what your plan is for if the younger child tries to contact you or visit you once she's old enough to travel? Or how you know abandoning your Daughter will make you happy in your marriage as if you do love your Daughter you'll be just as miserable with guilt over abandoning her as you have been over the guilt of lying to your wife.

Or are you hoping to go back into her life later, maybe when your wife dies and tell you're daughter she forced you to walk away from her?

Ted you do not have to agree to your wife's terms.

At the beginning of this thread you said you wanted your daughters to be able to know each other and for you to continue a relationship with your Polish daughter. You can have that if you choose. You can if you choose tell your wife that you will continue to go to Poland whether she likes it or not. You can tell your wife that you will tell your older daughter about her sister whether she likes it or not. Your choice

Your wife also has choices. She can choose not to accept your terms. She can choose to divorce you. Her choice

Your older daughter can choose never to speak to you again. Or to forge a relationship with her sister. Her choice

The only one here with no choices is your younger daughter.

There seems to be a theme through your thread about you passively waiting to be told what to do and then complaining about the consequences. (Polish woman told you what to do in the hotel bedroom. You blame her for the consequences. You've asked Mumsnet what to do and blame us for the consequences. Now you are sitting quivering and waiting for your wife to tell you what to do and meekly accepting that you have to follow her rules.)

Now grow some fucking balls, make some choices of your own, and accept the consequences of the choices you make. You chose to tell your wife about your daughter because you want to be able to live honestly and maintain a relationship with both your daughters.

So now you too can make some demands. You can say to your wife that you are not prepared not to go to Poland and cut contact with your daughter. You can say you will be telling your older daughter whether she likes it or not. And you can accept the possible consequences because this is what you choose.

Stand by your own choices, accept the consequences and stop waiting to be told what to do and then whinging about the consequences..

It's understandable why your wife wants you to cut contact with the Polish daughter but it's also very unfair and I think she'll realize that in time when she's had chance to get her head around this earthquake news. Maybe the older daughter will help her see sense on that one day

What a mess you're in Ted. Although you're having doubts, telling your wife was the best thing.

She had previously said that she wouldn't want to know about an affair, but a child is a different issue entirely. If nothing else she needs to change her will ASAP to leave all of HER assets to her daughter.

At this moment in time she'll be shocked, furious and probably have unreasonable demands. Insisting on you cutting contact with anything to do with Poland might be because she wants to deal with her own mortification.

But to do the right thing you do need to insist on keeping your relationship with your little DD. When the horrors wear off your wife might see this too. She already seems to understand that you must keep up support.

As PP said, your marriage as you know it will be broken. You have nothing to lose by telling your DW that you love her and want to keep her but that your DD is an innocent in all this and shouldn't suffer.

I do not think you should agree to your wifes terms. You want to continue to see your youngest daughter and also tell your eldest daughter about her rather than she finds out after you die. How are you going to manage to do this if you agree to everything your wife wants?

Hhhmm she is undoubtedly very hurt but that is not justification to her demands, cut the money, never see her, never mention her, do not tell the eldest - never mention your little secret ever again. I really think not. You have a responsibility to your youngest daughter whether your wife likes it or not

Your wife is no relation to your youngest daughter if she does not want a relationship with her that is her choice but she cannot dictate that to you.

You keep saying that you are weak - now is the time to change this. The 2 of them coming over is to railroad you into agreeing to your wifes terms. Consistently and calmly say no. Apologise for the hurt it has caused her if you really mean it but do not agree to never going to Poland again, to never seeing your youngest daughter again, to changing your work arrangements which assists you to do this if this is not what you want.

With regards to not telling your eldest daughter, I am not sure yet, probably letter form but not sure when, probably wait until after you see your wife (note wife not SIL)

My other thought is that I hope your will is with a solicitor and is safe and sound.

It is not going to be easy but you know this but again it is not up to your wife whether you can or not have relationship with either of your daughters.

IloveOnionRings

Thank you for your response. Which I genuinely found useful.

A bit of history is that I have never stood up to my wife. So I am doubtless going to struggle to say no to everything when I see her and her sister.

But, I shall try. And you have given me very sensible advice. Which I shall try hard to push for.

Thank you again for taking the time and making the effort to help.

Lots of people have helped you and offered good advice.

What do YOU want? You're so defeatist it's unreal and quite hard to actually read

By the way, did you see the post above where someone might know who you are?

Sorry I actually meant to thank several of you - I find it difficult to remember all the 'unusual' nick names you have - mine too.

Bordersarethebest
JFT96
Haffdonga
Youwillnotseeme

Thanks to you all

I would love to understand what your nick names mean. I can guess that Bordersarethebest means you live in the Scottish borders? But I have no idea about the rest of you.

But thanks anyway.

Yes I did see that post. But that isn't me.

Though as someone famous said in a trial 'he would say that wouldn't he'.

OK, Ted, I think you have had a very hard time on here.

Obviously because for most of us women, this is a nightmare scenario. But what is, is now, and whatever anyone thinks of the initial mistake and what has transpired since , there is no sense now in doing everything possible to mitigate all the upset.

Of course, in the heat of the upset, any woman might say cut all contact with Polish Daughter. But in truth, could you accept that position? And should you? Would you enjoy your retirement with your wife, not resenting her for forcing such a separation, and inflicting that on a small child?

Tomorrow, I would hear your DW and SIL out. Listen sympathetically and of course be unconditionally apologetic. Be clear that having caused upset to your DW is of huge regret to you.

But in the end, you need to look after
Your Polish and English daughters
Your wife
You

In that order.

You might lose your old age with your wife.
Your older dd might side with your wife and separate from you for a while.
I would write to her, pour out your heart, apologise, but say that you could no more abandon your Polish dd than you could her - and however she reacts you will always love and support her.

You do sound as if you have been beaten down over a long period, and that your wife has a low opinion of you. But you do have a right to make your own decisions and priorities within this mess.
Be gentle but firm: you cannot abandon your duty to your Polish dd.
She might, in the end respect you for it.
She has a right to feel betrayed and be angry and bitter with you.
But she has not got the right to say you cannot see your Polish daughter.
Many betrayed women on MN say that they do not want their H's to neglect their responsibilities to a child.
Most women who have a relationship with a man who has children say they would not be interested in a man who neglected his children or did not prioritise them.
It wasn't right that you had sex elsewhere, but it wouldn't be right, now, to abandon the child,
You have the right to be clear about this to your wife.

I hope it goes as well as possible tomorrow.

'not' doing everything to mitigate the upset.

Op.
Without giving too much detail. I believe to be in a similar situation. I think my dad has a child that he hasn't told us about.
I just want to know, but realise it may cause too much heartache for my mum so am prepared to let things lie.
However, we all live in the same country so visits are easy. In your situation I would tell them

My Dad had a long term affair. I'd be very surprised if there weren't children as a result but I've never been told if there are.

It took my parents years to get over it once mum knew. She was devastated.

You've told your wife now and will need to deal with the consequences but you could never have put your eldest daughter in the position of knowing the secret and not telling her mum if that's what you were thinking of doing? That would have put her in an awful position. I couldn't have coped with that.

I'm not sure I would've advised you to come clean knowing the terrible emotional fallout it would cause but it was the morally correct thing to do.

I suppose all I can say from my experience is that time does heal although expect a lot of emotional upheaval first. Your 5yo daughter is innocent in this and doesn't deserve to suffer as a result of the actions of other adults. I hope everyone is able to eventually recognise her needs too.

Evening folks. OP we've edited the title of the thread for you now to save any further confusion. Just for future reference - we don't 'moderate' the boards as such so if you need to get our attention, just hit the 'report' button above one of your posts and that will ping us a message.

Be very careful of just accepting the terms stated by your wife out of guilt about what you have done. In my first marriage I had an affair and left my ex husband for my current one. I felt so guilty that I agreed to letting him have everything and left the marriage without a penny to my name and barely any belongings.

I understand how guilty you are feeling, but you now have to try to deal with things the best way that you can. I let myself be walked all over because of my guilt. I regretted it later as I had nothing and would have been homeless if my parents had not agreed to let me stay with them.

Your wife will quite rightly be wanting to punish you, but you have to not let your guilt force you into making bad decisions.

Hope things get better for all of you.

Don't agree ANY terms now. Whatever is proposed say you both need time to think.

It's new and raw and everyone is upset.

Why are you going to live on the streets if you divorce whilst your wife has the life of Riley. Did her earnings keep you over the years?

If you've had no sex life for ever then DW is not exactly cuckolded. You were stupid, and should stop blaming the Polish partner, but what's happened has happened.

And your DD is 35, I think you said with DCs of her own. Not 13. She might even empathise with the Polish girl as they both have DCs.

FGS get a grip and, to be honest, if you don't make a proper stand for what you want and think is best, you deserve to be on the street in a cardboard box.

And project forward 5/10 years. Do you see you in abject misery being 'punished' by your DW with a strained relationship with DD. Or, more hopefully, a DW who has come to terms with DSD, allows you visits to see her once or twice a year, and a continuing happy relationship with DD. You seem to be almost wishing for the former - punishment for your heinous crime. Whatever you do it appears the Polish partner will be a loving DM to the DSD so whatever crises go on in your life DSD will have a good life. Calm down and give this more time.

Thanks ConfessorKahlan and Skooba

An interesting issue is that I think that mostly the Polish mother is a good mother. However, her - in my opinion - hot temper worries me. When I am there I often witness her and her mother shouting at our daughter. Several times a day. But for them it is over in a moment. They shout at each other and then move on.

I'm not used to this and find it upsetting both for my daughter and for myself when they shout at me. But I tried to have s conversation with the Polish mother about this and was well and truly rebuffed. (saucepan lid thrown at me, bizarrely - it missed me though). I think that was an occasion when I really should have communicated by text message.

In reality there is nothing I can do to change that situation. But it does worry me. I never shout at anyone, ever.

Lets not shift focus to Polish woman's parenting. I think you need to focus on what's going to happen with your wife first. I agree that you need to consider what you want, and what you're not prepared to accept (no contact with daughter for example). Get that issue sorted before reflecting on the faults of others.

Meeting today with wife and sister in law. Am just going shopping to get ingredients to prepare a nice 'high tea'.

film it.
put it on youtube

I read the first two pages already and just read the last three pages now, and................... omg. I think you will better about yourself if your wife knows that you can at least OWN your mistake and say 'right, I accept these terms, not those ones, these ones, not these ones''. If you are so terrified of divorce then you have no choice but to say yes to all of those terms, which, from your wife's POV, I can understand.

Are you certain the five year old is yours. You seem so glum and lacking in dynamism and you've told us you're overweight, bald and fat, is there any possibility the polish woman was already pregnant when she slept with you. I think a dna test was mentioned early but how reputable was it.