Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

[tedrekasta]

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

She will know though, won't she?
And as I've said before, I expect your wife has banned you from telling your daughter, so that she can do it herself in person, and be loving and kind towards her during this. You clearly aren't capable of such a thing.

I was one of the posters advising you not to tell. Now you have, my advice is to tell your eldest daughter today. In person. You need to do this for any chance of salvaging respect from her.

Ignore your wife's demands. Her world has toppled and she will be incapable of rational thought for a long time. (Poor poor lady).

Speak to a lawyer. ASAP

Your wife is in shock, understandably, but also all she is making decisions based on the life she has always known vs a text message from you. You haven't given the opportunity to do anything else. She has no responsibility to your younger daughter.

You are the only person that knows the whole story and that has a responsibility towards your little girl, you need to find out the full facts of where you stand legally and then make decisions for yourself based on that and what is right for those you have a responsibility towards.

It's not far on anyone to put your wife in the position of making the decisions of what happens next whilst you go along with it and don't take any responsibility for it yourself. That isn't fair on you, her or either of your daughters.

Fair not far.

So instead, you regret your decision and would rather find out from your will in the future??? Classy

Telling the truth rarely ends up being a mistake. Your awful mistake was to have an affair and to not have admitted it at the time.

What happens after you tell the truth depends entirely on how you choose to work through the issues. Your life may never be the same again, but there are four other people who you have to consider here.

I have to say that I doubt that you could have continued to see your daughter if you hadn't sent the text. At some point your wife would have dug deeper in regard to your finances. At some point you would have retired...anything could have happened to stop you seeing your youngest daughter.

Ultimately you have kept a significant portion of your life secret from your wife and daughter. You say you love them. You must prove to them that this is true. You have hurt your wife due to your actions. Don't play the "Mumsnet talked me into telling her" card. Telling her was the right thing to do. Lets not forget that you wanted to write a letter to be opened once you'd died!!

I love my husband. I don't keep secrets from him. We have difficult conversations from time to time because our marriage is something we cherish. We don't just ignore problems in the hope that they will go away.

Your youngest daughter isn't going to go away. You must have realised that at some point you would have to have acknowledged her existence to your wife?

Well if I hadn't told them everyone, and I do mean everyone: wife, Polish daughter, Polish mother and me would all be a lot lot happier!

Until you died and they found out then, easiest option for you but much harder for them as you're not around to answer the questions for them.

I told you in my first post about how my Dads wife insisted he had nothing to do with his baby and how my Dad agreed. She has spent a lot of her life wondering why she wasn't good enough, why he didn't love her as much as his other children, and it affected her for the rest of her life because she always thought there must be something wrong with her. Like you're planning to do, my Dad just walked away from her to keep his little family with his wife and stepson, and left his Daughters mother to wipe away her tears and deal with her heartbreak, while my Dad happily carried on as normal.

Are you really going to do the same thing to your five year old? You're going to just not see her anymore? Again, it's the easiest option for you, that little girl is innocent and as much as I think you're a selfish shit, she probably adores you and if you do love her as much as you claim to, walking away so that you dint have to be single won't make you happy because her little face crying for Daddy will haunt you every night and you'll just be replacing the guilt for lying to you're wife, with guilt for abandoning a dependant innocent child.

Being single isn't the worse thing in the world, you're wife is angry and I can totally understand why she's saying what she is, she may calm down and change her mind, she may not, and yes we all make mistakes. I've made my share, but no way in earth would I punish my child for them just because I didn't want to be on my own.

Stop blaming the women for your shitty choices, own it and fix it instead of choosing the easiest option, you can still see your polish daughter but it may have to be as a single man and it will take some adjusting but I have a feeling you are like my Dad, all me me me me, she made me, blah blah and will take the route that makes you lose as little as possible, and will treat your five year old as collateral damage.

that little girl won't just disappear into history like you're hoping, she may well turn up on your doorstep with some questions once she's old enough to travel? What will you do then? Tell her to fuck off?

I've been on Mumsnet for ten years and this thread has been the first to bother and upset me on a personal level as I've lived through the aftermath and have seen the heartbreak and I know I'll be biased, but for ffs stop whining about how you didn't/don't have a choice.

It went badly. She has now left work early and gone to stay with her sister for the weekend.

OP, I think it actually went really well. What were you expecting?

YY about how on earth would your English dd and your wife feel when they had discovered an unknown daughter from years ago, one that you had carried in seeing and paying for, at the time of your death? Seeing that yu have changed your will to incl yur polish dd, they would have to find out then...
It would have been just as hurtful than it is now with the added benefit that they couldn't have asked you any question to try and understand what had happened.

The reality is that you will have to make do with the current situation.
Go and see a lawyer, sort out possibilities re divorce on a financial POV.
Go and get counselling for yourself to how to deal with situation.
Think about what would be the most ethical/moral thing to do for both your children.

Youve said a lot of negative things about your wife, Im going to give you the benefit of the doubt and not assume you've described her the way you have so that people say they understand why you chose to cheat, so genuine question, are you actually happy with her? Does she actually make you happy? What do you feel the benefits to you are from staying married? If it comes down to having someone to clean your home, cook your meals etc you can do all that yourself and be happy single. Or is it that you'd rather have anyone, than no one?

It sounds like the kindest thing you could have done for yourself was to leave before you felt so low in yourself that a slight bit of interest from someone else had you going to their hotel room.

Is this some parable about evil women? And how they all end up hurt in the end?

Evil Polish woman takes advantage of a poor homely man. A child is born.
Wife is strident. SIL is kind (but will probably be angry).
Evil MNers tell poor man what to do.
This causes hurt to all the woman. Everyone suffers.
It's the women's fault, of course.

Is this some parable about evil women?

I thought it was a parable about making a promise to your spouse, breaking it and not using contraception. After all the only person blaming women is the OP.

To answer some of your questions:

My wife and I are quite different people. But... we get along. We sit and read the papers over breakfast (made by me) and drink a lot of tea.

She likes to watch rugby. I love opera. So she sometimes goes to a match with friends and I sometimes go to London to the opera by myself.

We have shared out the household duties - I do the shopping, vacuuming, most of the cooking, clearing up after meals, making the bed, putting on the washing machine. She does the ironing, gardening, car driving (I hate driving). and putting the clothes on the airer.

We don't have a physical relationship. But we never have particularly. After we were married and before our daughter was born we did, but after the birth that was more or less it.

When our daughter left home we started sleeping separately, because my wife doesn't like my snoring. And because our daughters bedroom is big and unused and looks out over the garden which my wife loves.

This lack of a physical relationship has never particularly bothered me - which makes it all the more surprising that I went into the hotel room with the Polish woman. Something I shall never understand about myself.

I don't particularly desire a physical relationship and on top of which I am ultra unfit which makes the whole thing difficult for me. And I am acutely aware of what an ugly figure I cut.

So, whilst one or two of you seem to think that I am dashing around the planet like some latter day Don Juan you are wrong. And I am certainly not having any kind of relationship with the Polish woman and don't want to. As I said if I could never meet her again for the rest of my life I would be somewhat happier.

It seems to me that real love doesn't need a physical side to it. Especially when you are as old as we are. Feeling comfortable with each other is pleasant.

And having spent such a huge part of my life with my wife I would like to grow old with her - well I suppose I am already old. I really don't want to get divorced is the truth of the matter.

She of course may think differently. We shall see when we meet together with her sister. Who is a very sensible and intelligent woman. And will probably be very helpful in the conversation that we have.

Anametohide

You claim I have said a LOT of negative things about my wife.

What exactly? Please list them because I can't see what I have said that is negative about her.

The only person I really feel negative about is myself.

MODERATOR

Can I please ask you to correct my mistake in the title of this thread.

I wrote "Should I tell my daughter she has a step daughter?".

It should say "...has a half sister"

Thank you for your help in this matter.

You are thinking far too much about yourself and not enough about the people you love. You say you don't want to get divorced because you're too old to find someone else... that doesn't sound like the reaction of a man who is happy with and cares for his wife as a person?

You did the right thing. It would come out eventually and totally destroy your daughter if she found out from your will. You need to go and speak to her (in person! Text is horrendous and uncaring) and lay it all out. Same with your wife. And hope you can create a new normal without secrets.

Your wife probably doesn't want to grow old without you either.
Maybe you have a little more bargaining power than you think you do.
And the fact she doesn't want you to stop sending money to Poland looks to me like she, even in her hurt state has compassion.
Maybe just maybe given time, things might work out better than you think.
Good luck. You were very weak and bloody stupid but I think you know that.

erm......do you live in the NE?and does your daughter have 2 sons?

Can I ask how you thought a good reaction from your wife would be? As I did before?
She didn't scream/throw knives at You, she didn't throw your clothes out in the rain.
Did you expect her to say "how exciting dear, let me make you a cake to celebrate this new wonderful life that I will happily give my retirement earnings towards"

P.s. Of course you still did the right thing in telling her. If you were laid off next month the polish visits would stop. And telling them in your will is just vile.

Gahbuggerit are congratulations in order that you have a half sister?

my dad hasnt got it in him to have an affair, but it sounds like my friends mum and dad? hes a truck driver. it was the mention of opera, feminist dd and the ages but tbf this dude coukd have tweaked a bit of info......

if so.....fuck me she will be devastated, and her mum is lovely. just cant see her dad doing this but like i say hes a lorry driver, goes over and does a few drops, never understood why his company dont use locals

if not my apologies for adding more drama!

At least if it is your friend you can support her. Just don't show her this thread!

He said he hates driving Gah so hopefully not?

ahh didnt see that, cant be him them! phew!

Thanks Greycat11
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