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Original poster

Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

999 replies

tedrekasta · 05/02/2017 12:00

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

OP posts:
Muddlewitch · 11/02/2017 11:52

Also you say no more lies so start that right now - don't lie to your boss about not wanting to work in Poland, don't lie to your wife by pretending you can forget about your young daughter, don't lie by omission to your daughter and don't let your actions now lead your younger daughter to believe you don't love her. You know none of those things are true.

It isn't easy, there isn't an easy answer there are only hard ones the only thing you can do is choose the hard ones that are at least honest and right.

PastysPrincess · 11/02/2017 11:54

FFS YES everyone has made mistakes, you know what else we all do too...own up to them and deal with the consequences.

STOP THE SELF PITY!!!

SparklyMagpie · 11/02/2017 12:04

Your marriage is never going to be the same again

I can't believe, still despite all the posts you've made about how much you love your little girl, you are now not going to bother

I really feel for her

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Original poster
tedrekasta · 11/02/2017 12:07

My sister in law has just phoned to tell me that she will be coming over tomorrow together with my wife to present me with a list of what my wife wants as a solution.

Which I find totally terrifying. Though at least my sister in law will be here and I have always got on well with her and she has a kind nature.

OP posts:
RedAndYellowStripe · 11/02/2017 12:07

Honestly?
Get off MN. Go and find advice in RL. From a sollictor to start with.

And I would say get some counselling/life coach to get your head around what will be the best decision to take.

MN is a place where the answer is ALWAYS to leave a partner, to put children first or to tell a woman who you have cheated on her.
In RL, plenty of people have had what you could call a double life until their death (see the gymnastic nurses have to do to that both women can see the dying man for example. Not as usunusal as you would think).

Atm most posters are seeing you as a less than good person anyway. It comes out in most posts and will not help you feel in charge or enable you to take the right decision for your circumstances. I suspect it's more likely to drag you down and make feel powerless. The result of that might be that you will take a decision based on what MN says rather than taking YOUR decision. Not a good move.

So the first step is go and see a lawyer and check what you would likely to be entitled to. That will be a very part of your decision process. It's not the same to be left with nothing and unable to see your dd and pay little maintenance to be left with more and still be able to see her/pay her maintenance. Or knowing that not seeing her would allow her mother to have more money and therefore for your dd to have a better standard of living/more choices in life. Of course, which one would be the best for your dd will depend on a lot of factors that none of us here know.
You need to see exactely were you stand before taking any decisions.

As for what to say to the mother of your dd? No hesitation there. The truth. That your wife now knows. That it has created a lot of issues that you are currently working through. And that you will let her know as soon as you know yourself.

RedAndYellowStripe · 11/02/2017 12:09

If your wife is going to come with a list of what she wants, you might want to decide sharp ish what YOU want.

Actually I think you should have decided that BEFORE telling her.

But there is no way you will find a solution that will be morally ok with YOU if you don't know what is OK and what isn't ok for you (hence the advise of counselling/life coach btw)

Original poster
tedrekasta · 11/02/2017 12:10

And I shall try to persuade my wife that I should be allowed to continue to see my Polish daughter. So, I am not giving up on her. And I do care about her.

But I have to also care for my wife. She must be totally miserable in all of this. And I just hate the thought of having made her so unhappy.

OP posts:
SouthernNorthernGirl · 11/02/2017 12:12

I think you should cut out the sister in law. You and your wife need to speak, alone!

Original poster
tedrekasta · 11/02/2017 12:13

Sorry to appear stupid but what is 'RL'??

OP posts:
Original poster
tedrekasta · 11/02/2017 12:17

Oh ok just searched on the net. Do you mean 'real life'?

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 11/02/2017 12:19

Though at least my sister in law will be here and I have always got on well with her and she has a kind nature

I think you are in for the mother of shocks. If my sister's husband had fucked someone abroad behind her back, which resulted in the birth of a child, which he then hid for five years I'd be coming over to see him so I could hand him his arse on a plate.

You've made your bed and now you're going to have to lie in it.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 11/02/2017 12:20

So, no recent mention of your English daughter.
Ted, you reap what you sow, you spineless bat.

RedAndYellowStripe · 11/02/2017 12:28

I mean that in real, all around you, plenty of people have affairs and have children out of marriage. That plenty of people who keep in touch with their two 'families' etc...
MN is representative of one fraction of the population, one that is so called holding the moral ground and telling you what you should be doing 'because that the RIGHT thing to do'
Except that, yes the right thing to do was not have sex with someone lose in the first place.
But after that, the right thing to do will be very different from one situation to the next.

Not everyone would have told their wife far from. Not everyone would chose to get divorced so they see their dd. Not everyone will throw all their lifetime work in the bin.

I'm not saying that the ethical/moral thing to do is stay with your wife, agree to whatever she is asking and not ever mention that child again.
But I'm saying that will be the moral thing to do will be specific to you and that no one on this thread can tell you what to do.

RedAndYellowStripe · 11/02/2017 12:29

Besides, why on earth are you carrying posting on a there where so many posters are happy to insult you (see the last posts?)
Are you such a masochist?

ballsdeep · 11/02/2017 12:31

Ffs grow a pair of balls! Your posts are so self pitying when it's YOU who has caused all of this. You didn't need to go back to the hotel...,, and guess what..... if you didn't have a condom you could have said no! Your poor wife and children! yOU are the one whom has cheated and now YOU are the one who is refusing to tell the truth. Your actions and yours alone have caused this. Fave up to the facts, by you sleeping around you've had another daughter. Your wife and oldest child need to know.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/02/2017 13:20

Why do you not address the posters who are telling you to accept responsibility and to act like an adult?

Simple question. Can you not answer it?

SouthernNorthernGirl · 11/02/2017 13:28

Across Don't expect an answer. I only got one, and that was just to disagree with me (That he should of been with his wife when telling her)

AcrossthePond55 · 11/02/2017 13:47

Southern, then that must be you I'm hearing on the other side of that brick wall I keep talking to!

debbs77 · 11/02/2017 13:47

You really are a glass half empty guy aren't you? You need to consider everyone in this, including yourself! Your wife can't make demands and you blindly go along with them. Get legal advice before you agree to anything. You have caused an awful lot of hurt and now you have to fix it. YOU have to. Not by decisions made by other people. YOU

Fanciedachange17 · 11/02/2017 13:54

I didn't think you were real. Why would a 68 year old man be on Mumsnet?

Best advice I've seen lately comes from Redandyellowstripe

FWIW.

Make an appointment with a solicitor asap/
Make an appointment with Relate (you on your own).
Visit your English daughter TODAY and tell her yourself.
Tell Polish Mum what is going on.

I think your marriage is over but you may choose to let it limp on if that it what you and your wife decide. You can glue a broken mirror together but the cracks remain.

What are the options for you to move to Poland and work for your boss based over there?

gillybeanz · 11/02/2017 14:02

Not sure if this has been said, but they aren't stepsisters Shock
They are half sisters as they share a parent. They are blood and need to know about each other.
Hopefully you have learned to keep it in your trousers.

Original poster
tedrekasta · 11/02/2017 14:15

The only rational conclusion I can come to is that telling the truth was clearly an awful mistake.

I could have carried on seeing my daughter for years if only I hadn't sent that text.

A lot of you seem to think that I HAD to tell my wife and English daughter.

Well if I hadn't told them everyone, and I do mean everyone: wife, Polish daughter, Polish mother and me would all be a lot lot happier!

OP posts:
SouthernNorthernGirl · 11/02/2017 14:17

Don't forget your English daughter OP. She would have been a lot happier too, right?

Hmm
Original poster
tedrekasta · 11/02/2017 14:20

I didn't mention my English daughter because she doesn't know and it looks likely that my wife is going to ban me from telling her.

OP posts:
Original poster
tedrekasta · 11/02/2017 14:21

gillybeanz
Yes it has been said and I would like the title corrected. I made a mistake in my initial post.

OP posts: