Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

[tedrekasta]

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

Condensedmilksarnies

No.. I am not saying that.

But she most certainly took the lead.

I simply don't have the courage or the confidence to take the lead. One of my wifes complaints about me incidentally.

Ohhh just one then? Well that's alright I suppose...

I think I need to leave this thread now. Still convinced it is a wind up. Nothing upsets me more than seeing shitty parents justifying their shitty reasons to leave their innocent children in shitty situations.

They are delicate you know, and fragile. They are so precious and there as so many who have to live their little lives thinking they are anything but. I've become way too emotionally invested in something I can't possibly have any influence over.

Good luck to you, I hope you manage to work something out for her sake.

So you're 68. The polish Mrs is 48 and you have a 5 yr old with her?

Just tell the family and stop being selfish. The only person you're protecting is yourself.

Ahh I see this still here after my many reports to MNHQ

So let me get this straight, you've gone about how much you " love " your Polish " daughter " yet sounds like you're now prepared to ditch her because your wife told you too . Shows how much you do care

And as for your explanation of why you slept with another woman, you go on to say how you'd never have thought a younger woman would be interested....well YOU ARE MARRIED!! Why did you even think about it?! So if another 20+ year old woman approaches you, are you going to fuck off and have a shag forgetting that you have a wife and family at home? ( not forgetting pish daughter )

You actually make me feel physically sick, and for your wife's sake, I hope she drops you like a hot potatoe

Grow a fucking back bone!

No wonder you've been worried, Christ

Unfortunately typo there * Polish daughter

I am shocked that you told your wife. I didn't think you would.

I think it was the right thing. It seems unbearable now because it's so fresh. But time moves on and so will this situation.

Whatever happens next it is better than living in fear, living a lie, living half a life. Surely.

ok so a mistake was made. Thats the past what is important is the future. First off since when was it ok to belittle someone who had such a lack of self esteem? Any women reading this who feel that way themselves are gong to be feeling pretty shit right now so why is it different for a man? From what I gather the OP may feel weak but after a lifetime of being put down I'm not surprised. It doesn't make what happened ok but why the belittling.

From what OP has said his wife is actually quite controlling. suddenly not 'allowed' to access daughter, work, go visit etc. Also OP your older daughter has grown up and should at least as a parent understand the need for a father especially if she looks back at her own childhood relationship with you. I would urge you to put your younger daughter first and do what you can for her. At the very least the child is taken care off. The adults can learn to be adults in this.

As you have written your daughter into your will, your wife and daughter will very likely find out about her.

It would be better for you to tell them both now. That way you have to deal with some of the pain and distress you have caused.

Unless one or both of them has been diagnosed with a terminal disease and has only a few days to live.

And your behaviour is beneath contempt.

Oh, I just read the rest of the thread.

You haven't have a decision forced on you by your wife. You forced a child by adultery on your wife.

And it is disgusting that you try to absolve yourself by saying the Polish woman initiated this. You could have said no.

And it is awful that you are now complaining that you have had a harsh reception here, women are judging you more harshly than they would a woman. Adulterers and liars of both sexes get a hard time on here.

You need to take responsibility. If your wife divorces you and you spend your old age alone and poor, it's as a result of your own actions. You would deserve it. This kind of eventuality is exactly why there is a social prohibition on adultery- the moral censure to warn you of the devastation that kind of faithless deception brings.

You are not the victim here. Feeling sorry for yourself is an absolutely dreadful response to the hurt you have caused.

From what OP has said his wife is actually quite controlling. suddenly not 'allowed' to access daughter, work, go visit etc.

I think in the immediate hours after she has found out about an affair 5 years ago that resulted in a child, which her husband has been secretly seeing and paying for ever since, by text message, she's allowed to be a little unreasonable and irrational.

I would say that over the next few days her mind might well change. About the child at least.

Poor victim you! So that nasty woman grabbed you by the dick and poor passive you couldn't say 'no' to her, is that it? Bullshit. You were flattered by her attentions and you decided to have a fling. Decided. You weren't drugged, you weren't raped. You got in that bed of your own free will. Let me tell you something, my DH and I are just a few years younger than you. And I can guaran-damn-tee you that the best looking man or woman in the world could dangle their fine looking bits in our faces and neither of us would end up in bed with that person. Why? Because we made promises to each other, that's why. And we're no weaker or stronger than you. But we, unlike you, accept that we are accountable for our own actions.

And now, once again, you want to pass the buck. You wanted your wife to be the one to divorce you, so you can again be the victim. Instead, she's given you conditions, some of which are unfair on both of your daughters. So, poor you, you're faced again with having to actually be the one to make the choice, to accept responsibility for your actions. All you want to do is float down the river of victimhood. But one of your true victims, your wife, won't allow it. Well, bully for her!

What should you do? You should tell your wife that you will not abandon your Polish daughter, that she deserves a relationship with, and support from, her father. That you will tell your UK daughter that she has a half sister, she deserves the right to make her own decision as to whether or not she wants to know her. And if your wife chooses to divorce you because you have decided to finally act like a man, so be it. And if you end up 'lonely' because of your own actions in cheating then I'd say that you 'sowed the wind and reaped the whirlwind'.

You continue with your job and your visits to your daughter. (I don't know why but 'my little Polish daughter' grates. Why not, my youngest daughter)

If you agree to abandon this child you claim to love, you truly are pathetic. I get the feeling you keep telling us how weak and needy you are just so, when you do this to your child, you can play the "I can't help it" You have no choice? What crap. Of course you do. Be a deadbeat dad or step up and stand up for this child who did not ask to be here.
Your eldest daughter is an adult. She can work out her own feelings. Same with your wife. Anyone who would tell you to abandon a child isn't really worth being with.

Honestly you are all about YOU. How about thinking of your child. How abandonment could change who she is and who she can be. How fucking selfish it is to throw her to the wind so you won't be lonely.

You may not want a divorce and fear being lonely but living under your wife's rules doesn't sound like it will a happy existence for you. Or her. Give her time, and start skyping your young daughter - contact doesn't have to involve flights and expensive hotels if you can't afford it.

It might not work out exactly how you would prefer it to, but at least you know you've done the right thing.

But you've got to remain in contact with your youngest daughter. Don't abandon her, whatever the consequences to your marriage. You also need to tell your oldest.

of course your wife is laying out all sorts of terms, that she too probably knows are unreasonable, she's angry and hurt and questioning the one relationship she thought she could count on. decisions cannot be made with tensions this high.

you need to give her time. she's a mother. she knows the 6yo is innocent and is entitled to know her father.

i think you should write to your wife. i'm a big fan of writing cos you can take time to say everything you want to say, how you want to say it, and the receiver has time to process what you're saying without having to react, basically there's less shouting...

a proper letter, by hand, not a text.

absolutely no 'it wasn't my fault'
it was your fault. you are a grown up, the responsibility to say no and walk away was yours. own it. apologise for it. if you project onto this other woman you will do yourself no favours.

tell your wife you love her, you will do what it takes to make this as right as it can ever be, but you cannot abandon your daughter, you would be less of a man if you did that, and you hope she will come to see that she as innocent a victim as your wife is in this mess.

if you think it appropriate ask her to come to poland, to meet your daughter, or not, whatever she is comfortable with, more so she knows you are not shacking up with this other woman every time you go.

also explain that one of the reasons you came clean was that you were unable to live with yourself any longer, and as part of that you need your adult daughter to know the truth also, and would like to discuss the way in which your wife would best like you to tell her as soon as possible.

tell her you see your future with her, and you understand that you are most certainly not entitled to at this point in time, but you love her and hope you can discuss a way to move forward as soon as she's ready.

you do have options, you are behaving like a wet blanket. you fucked up royally, now you need to make it right. not right for you. right for the people you have hurt. your wife and your daughter.

do not shout
do not rise to insults
accept the verbal onslaught you deserve

also you must accept that your wife will never get over this. it will hang over your relationship for the foreseeable future whether u cut your kid out or not. do u want to live like that? she will not just get over it because u do as she says. can u live with yourself if you don't ever see your child again? or with that be the death of your marriage anyway? you really need to think about what you want, knowing things cannot and will not ever be as they were.

Well that is a turn around from your daughter being the highlight of your life.
Of course your wife is bkoody angry it's s huge shock to her. Yes you've told us that it was s one time relationship, but in your wife's head you've been going to Poland monthly for sex and to play happy families. That's where her demand have come from. Let her be angry, but then talk, let her be angry, explain all, let her be angry and not believe you and then say you want to keep seeing daughter.

Hi folks, thanks to all who reported. We've had to zap a lot of troll hunting posts on this thread, and as you know, troll hunting breaks our Talk Guidelines.

We ask that if you have your suspicions about someone, please report it to us rather than accusing people on the thread. Repeat offenders may have their ability to post on Talk suspended.

Thank you again to all of you who have been helpful.

Especially
Shoutouttomyex
LilQueenie
Triangular chocolate
dowhatnow
TataEs

I appreciate you taking the time to help me and for being so sensitive to the situation.

Thanks again

OP - you may choose to ignore anyone other than those who have given you a 'there there' , however I really advise you to take the rest of us on board, and remember them when you do finally speak with your poor wife.

Your actions are selfish no matter how you want to sugarcoat it, and I think you this. It's why you are honing in on anyone that will throw you a scrap of sympathy. Practise a a bit compassion for your loved ones, and stop wallowing in your self pity

you know this

The thing is OP, even if you do what your asks to avoid a divorce, do you really think life will ever be the same again? That your marriage will go on as if nothing happened? It won't. It will never be the same, it's already broken whether you end up with a legal piece of paper confirming it is irrelevant really.

Your adult daughter - she will find out one day. What she stands to find out if you do not tell her is that not only did you lie but her mum also did, if you are both gone when she finds that out she will feel both of her parents and her whole life was not as it she had always believed.

My parents both had affairs during their marriage, I found out when I was a teen and although they are both still alive and still married it does change things. Every photo I look at from when I was young I wonder what was actually happening behind the facade. But I do know they loved me and still do, your daughter will be questioning that fact if there is no one left to tell her otherwise when she does find out.

Your Polish daughter too will find out in future - find out that you chose others over her the she too will have those questions. The ripple affect will go on and on through generations unless you prioritise your children, especially the youngest who is just a child. You cannot change what has been done but you can change what will be an inevitable burden of pain in her future if you do the right thing by her now. You are talking about choices - as a child, she has none. You can choose to be honest or not, your wife can choose to divorce you, or not. Your older child can choose how her relationship with you goes once she knows. Your younger daughter has no choices, parents advocate and make choices that they believe are best for their children and give them the best chance of a happy life in the future, that is our main role as parents, even if the choices are not easy. Because it is our responsibility.

You talk about your childhood and your parents and the impact it has had on you all of your life. This is what I mean about effects rippling through generations. Only you can steer that path differently for your daughter.

Thank you Muddlewitch

What you say makes perfect sense.

It's just that carrying it out is so very very hard.

For example if I really am left alone and broke and without a house that would put me in a situation where I would be less able to visit my Polish daughter for purely financial reasons - I would face the choice of paying maintenance OR paying for a flight and hotel. And I assume that the Polish mother would want the maintenance if she was given that choice.

And as you can see I'm not emotionally strong. In fact rather low.

So, I don't think I have the ability to push for my continuing to visit Poland when I am up against my wife saying I must never go again.

I've just had a message from the Polish mother asking me when I shall next be visiting my daughter. I don't know how to reply because the truthful answer may be never. And one thing that this whole experience has taught me is that there must be no more lies.

OP -Are you purposely ignoring me, as you don't like what I say? Truth hurts sometime though.
Are you going to answer your wife when she questions you, or just bawl about you?

As difficult as it will be I think you need to get yourself informed as the the actual position you are likely to be in in the case of divorce, at the moment you are thinking of it in worst case scenario terms. And you probably will have to continue working for perhaps longer than you had planned, but that is a sacrifice you will just have to bear. If you have no mortgage so have assets and presumably will have a pension it is unlikely you will end up completely broke and homeless, though you almost certainly wouldn't have as 'comfortable' a retirement as you would otherwise have had.

You are looking at it in terms of all or nothing - the reality is almost certainly in between and you need to get yourself informed and start dealing with the different possible scenarios in terms of facts rather than presumptions based on your current feelings.