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Original poster

Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

999 replies

tedrekasta · 05/02/2017 12:00

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

OP posts:
Original poster
tedrekasta · 11/02/2017 00:15

I have no choice!!!

That is what my wife is demanding.

What would you do seeing as you seem so critical of me? Get divorced and be lonely for the rest of your life??

OP posts:
AllTheGlitters · 11/02/2017 00:16

STOP GOING ON ABOUT YOUR FLING NO ONE CARES

It's about what's happening now!!

Once again, refusing to listen to advice, only thinking of yourself, pitying yourself.

And so that's what your little daughter gets is it? No more father. Because of your decisions. You can't face life if you get divorced... What about her facing life without you?

Tried to be neutral and understanding within reason as so many other posters have, all you do is make the worst you possibly could of this situation.

Fucking despicable, please let it be a wind up.

Original poster
tedrekasta · 11/02/2017 00:17

I am sorry but I am tired and depressed I cannot think about this anymore.

Thanks for your help everyone.

Goodbye

OP posts:

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AllTheGlitters · 11/02/2017 00:17

And yes.

If that's what it took to look after and see my child, I'd never live with another human being my age again.

Whatever it takes, you created her and put her in this situation.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 11/02/2017 00:18

If your wife divorces you then you will be able to see polish daughter .

scootinFun · 11/02/2017 00:20

Being alone is not awful. Abandoning your daughter - that's awful.

Original poster
tedrekasta · 11/02/2017 00:20

Allthatglitters

What advice am I refusing to listen to?
I listened to the advice to tell my wife - and look where that got me.

What decisions have I made? I have had a decision forced upon me by my wife. I have NO choice in reality.

What could I have done that would have been so wonderfully better?

There isn't a solution. That is the reality. Nobody can come up with a coherent workable solution. Either I get divorced or I don't. Those are my only two choices. Quite why you think there is another choice I don't know. Perhaps you could explain this 'third way' ???

OP posts:
scootinFun · 11/02/2017 00:23

Speak to her. Tell her abandon the daughter is not a concession you can make as a decent man. If she disagrees then yes, divorce her. You must think of your child. Ignore the rest, forget the fling, loneliness etc. She's SIX!!

Original poster
tedrekasta · 11/02/2017 00:27

Thanks scootinfun

But someone above did suggest that my Polish daughter would be better off without me as a father - presumably on the grounds that I am useless.

Someone else suggested that it wasn't necessary for a child to have a father.

I have no idea about either of these things.

OP posts:
scootinFun · 11/02/2017 00:28

2 posters out of many many more - ignore them, and do what's right by your daughter

AllTheGlitters · 11/02/2017 00:30

There isn't a third way, you do have a choice to get divorced if it's necessary to not have the way you live your life dictated to you!

It's not that you don't have a choice at all, and you know it. You just don't want to have to make that choice. But it's much easier for you to pretend to appease your wife (when really you're just making life easier for yourself).

That is quite why I think there is another way. I think you've known from the outset though, that you would choose convenience over what's right. It's been abundantly clear throughout this whole thread that that's the type of person you are.

I feel pity for you but all my sympathy is for the poor girl. Just how can you cut her out of your life like that?? NO ONE else in this situation is innocent and dependent. WHY is she the least of your priorities!!!

TheSpottedZebra · 11/02/2017 00:30

You were passive? That nasty Polish woman (who you don't even like) stole your sperm?
Oh dear! Sad

AllTheGlitters · 11/02/2017 00:32

scootinFun put it much more nicely than I did. But that is glaringly obviously exactly what you should do.

Original poster
tedrekasta · 11/02/2017 00:35

So, just so I fully understand you allthatglitters you are suggesting:
1 I get divorced
2 give my house and most of my income to my wife
3 abandon any hope of having a decent relationship with my English daughter
4 somehow or other magically live on more or less zero income and pay more maintenance to my Polish daughter
5 somehow or other find imaginary money to go to Poland to visit her even though her mother hates me and so I have to stay in hotels which are not cheap

Perhaps you could explain how in the real world all of that is possible.

You find it very easy to criticise me but you don't actually come up with workable real life solutions. Just fantasy impossible solutions.

OP posts:
GruffaloPants · 11/02/2017 00:35

My father had a child through an affair.

My mother knew but they didn't tell me til I was a young adult. My half sibling was a young teen by then. I had suspicions. We are not close now. I resent not having the chance to develop a relationship. I suspect my half sibling feels like a "dirty secret".

My relationship with my father is fine. I am a feminist etc. I'm also a person, a daughter, and someone who knows people are imperfect. My parents are together by the way, and seem content in their relationship.

Tell your wife, and then your daughter. Be honest, apologise, give them time, don't start with the "I know you'll never see me again". Let them process it and I hope you'll be surprised. Your daughter is a mother and may have tenderness for an innocent 5 year old.

wundringnow · 11/02/2017 00:35

Wow - I'm actually impressed that you came clean, OP. You did a good thing!

I think what's hard to accept is that some problems have no easy solution. You can see now that there's pain whichever way you turn. However it is really good that you were honest and I hope things work out best for all concerned.

Original poster
tedrekasta · 11/02/2017 00:37

Spottedzebra :)

Yep that was more or less it. But I have always been passive and not that interested in s*x which makes the whole thing even more surprising.

But anyway feel free to have a laugh at me.

Do you really believe that it is only men who take the lead in these things?

OP posts:
CondensedMilkSarnies · 11/02/2017 00:39

Genuine question - what did you think the outcome of all this would be ? How did you envisage it panning out?

Original poster
tedrekasta · 11/02/2017 00:39

Gruffalo pants. Yes you are right. I did more or less start with I know you will never want to see me again.

But that's me. I feel insecure.

OP posts:
Original poster
tedrekasta · 11/02/2017 00:41

Condesnsedmilksarnies

I didn't. I'm not good at thinking things through especially emotional things.

I suppose I knew it would be very painful for everyone. And I assumed my wife would divorce me and that my English daughter would never speak to me again. And that I would be lonely.

OP posts:
Original poster
tedrekasta · 11/02/2017 00:42

Thanks wundringnow

OP posts:
AllTheGlitters · 11/02/2017 00:42

I think you are exaggerating, obviously you would need to go to a solicitor. I imagine they will have to take into account that you are financially responsible for a child as well!

So are you really telling me, at the end of this thread, that you had absolutely no idea that your wife might not want to be with you after you dropped the bombshell of your affair and consequential love child? on her? Despite you asserting earlier in the thread that you always had intended to tell her, you just didn't know when? And yet you had absolutely no backup plan? You still work, you have a house which you are partly entitled to, yet now it's all become real (apparently) you've decided there's absolutely no possible way you can maintain a relationship with your daughter?

Bullshit. Just more excuses to justify your shitty choices. Obviously it will be more difficult than you comfortable married life, but then maybe that's why you shouldn't fuck other women, ay.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 11/02/2017 00:43

You were passive? That nasty Polish woman (who you don't even like) stole your sperm?

yep that was more or less it

Op are you suggesting that you were forced to have sex with this woman ?

GruffaloPants · 11/02/2017 00:45

Didn't see you have already told your wife.

Give it time. Let her be angry.

Don't abandon your little daughter.

Original poster
tedrekasta · 11/02/2017 00:45

womAn. not womEn

You misread me. I said I expected my wife to leave me.

As was suggested earlier the decent thing would be for me to give my wife the house. Anything else would be awful in the circumstances for her.

OP posts: