Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

[tedrekasta]

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

Nah, I've reported this before an nothing has been done so far, but setting the basis this is true...

You really text to tell your wife?! Christ you said you was weak but you really couldn't have the guts to tell her face to face?
You ARE weak and pathetic. May have been a mistake but wow, never known or read about a man being so small as to not even tell the woman he supposedly loves the truth

I'm not surprised your wife has gone to stay with her sister

But hey, atleast you didn't leave them to find out once you are dead

This is horrifying

Yup she's miserable and hopefully soon to be single with a very fair share of the marital assets.

You reap what you sow.

I think that it's your self pity that's the most vile thing about this.
PP's are asking you questions, and you're too busy wailing about yourself to even consider answering them.

Us have any kindness? Are you taking the piss?Haha you couldn't even speak to your wife face to face! It's YOU who has no kindest

So you text her. But what ? I just can't comprehend how you broke all that over a message

SouthernNorthern Girl exactly - it must have been a very long text.

• kindness

Hahahahaha. A text. really ?

You wanted personal perspectives. You got 2. Nothing to say tho them, nothing at all?

I can't understand why some of you seem to be so pleased that I am miserable and have a miserable future ahead of me.

Probably because of your persistent and blatant self pity. You are not the victim here.

I'm sure this thread has been reported numerous times. The fact that it still stands indicates that it may be genuine. So, I'll give you my thoughts.

You texted and don't understand why posters are disgusted with you? Really? Can you possibly be that out of touch with any feelings of honour or empathy towards your poor wife? What you did is akin to your doctor texting you the news that you have terminal cancer. Would you find that acceptable? "Dear ted, results are in. You have cancer and are dying. Love, Dr XX". No, I daresay you'd be outraged, and rightly so! Yet you expect 'kindness' from those on this thread for dropping just such a bomb on an unexpecting and innocent woman. Shame on you!

Your wife deserves time now, and privacy. She has a lot of thinking to do and decisions to make and you will need to respect her decision as far as whether or not to divorce you. And if she does decide to divorce you, you need to be sure that she receives her fair share of the marital income and assets with no fighting, no ugliness. You owe her that.

As far as what she has requested of you, I understand her feelings, but you do have a responsibility to your Polish daughter that is separate from your responsibilities to your wife and daughter in the UK. Do you have the courage to continue to send maintenance and keep contact with your child? Because you should, regardless of what your poor wife feels or what threats she may make. If she divorces you because you refuse to abandon your child, so be it. You made that bed years ago.

I do still also feel that your adult, UK daughter deserves to know, despite her mother's wishes. I'd wait until her mother decides what she wants to do, but your UK daughter does need to be told.

You have not once indicated that you have ever stepped outside yourself and considered the other people involved in this debacle. It's continually been about you. You are afraid. You love your Polish daughter. You don't want to tell. Your wife/your daughter will be upset with you. It upsets you. You, you, you! Grow up and act like a man!

I can't understand why some of you seem to be so pleased that I am miserable and have a miserable future ahead of me

I can't speak for everyone but the fact you have a miserable future ahead of you is entirely your fault.

Don't you have any kindness within you

Yes, we absolutely do. In fucking spades. But was it kind of you to cheat on your wife? To have lied to her for years? To have dropped such a bombshell via text? Your actions are not kind. Not kind in the slightest so any kindness I have in connection with this thread is reserved for your wife and daughters.

Yes I should have told my wife earlier. But one of the reasons was because I didn't want to make her miserable. Which she obviously is now

OP you must have realised that whenever you told her she wouldn't have been anything other than angry, heartbroken, devastated, miserable? Of course she is upset! It's not incomprehensible surely?

How would you have felt if your wife had text you to say:

"Husband. Years ago I had a fling with Bob from work. It was only a five day thing, but I fell pregnant and had the baby. Bob has brought the child up and I've been paying maintenance ever since. My son is 5. Sorry. I've been meaning to tell you but the time was never right."

Please give your wife time to process this. Don't badger her.

You are taking the role of the victim and most of your posts are only arguing with posters over certain details, and now you are insulting us. It is very goading of you to speak this way.

I assume you are posting here for advice in order to help you through the terrible times ahead that you have caused. It would be best and much more constructive to lay down the victim card and stop focusing so much on yourself. No one is happy that you are miserable, just incredulous that you could be quite so self centred. In general reactions to that won't be favourable.

Many posters, despite how you come across on this thread, have tried to be, if not supportive, at least constructive and offer fair advice (myself included). You are choosing to ignore that and be argumentative or self pitying instead. If you genuinely are looking for advice, please stop.

What are you going to do now? Are you really going to stop going to Poland? Have you explained to your wife in your oh so sensitive text message that one of the reasons you told her is because you need to have more open contact with your young daughter?

You really need to try and get through to your wife, I doubt a text message will accurately convey your remorse, and she doesn't have you there to explain things/rant and rave at, so will undoubtedly be much worse in her head than it already is.

Who the fuck texts his wife to tell her he's cheated on her and has a secret child and then has the cheek to ask Don't you have any kindness within you?

Im not kind to cruel cunts who are selfish and have so little respect for their wives they cheat, who lie to the wives and children every day, and then shows his wife just how little he respects them by ripping their world apart via a text message.

But one of the reasons was because I didn't want to make her miserable

You had a perfect chance to not make her miserable though, five years ago instead of being selfish by choosing to have sex with someone else. Stop feeling sorry for yourself FFS

You TEXTED her. In what universe did you think a text would go over well? I'm not surprised she's sodded off. She's probably wondering what possessed her to waste the best years of her life with you. And no surprise she doesn't want you to break the news to your 'English' daughter - were you planning another text there?

You could at least had the decency to actually look at the woman you've cheated on (don't care if it was just a one off and you look like bloody Quasimodo) and whose life you've shattered rather than a cowardly text.

The rest may be been understandable and forgivable - I suspect the texting will have put you beyond the pale.

And are you going to contact your 'English' daughter in defiance of her wishes? I hope you will pull your head in and give her time to get her head together. And if you won't do that then don't text the news to her!!

I've just had a long phone call with my sister in law - who I get on with very well. And who phoned me - I didn't 'badger' my wife as suggested above.

She told me that as far as my wife was concerned the only way to 'save the marriage' was for me to completely cut myself off from my Polish daughter and her mother. And to NEVER tell my English daughter. And to never speak about it again with her (my wife).

She does agree that I should send some money to Poland but not as much as I have been doing.

Otherwise divorce.

I really can't face the prospect of divorce at my age. It's highly unlikely that I would ever find someone else to spend the remainder of my life with. And I do love my wife and English daughter very much. And don't want to lose them.

One thing that does seem unreasonable in all of your comments is that you seem to think that I initiated 'proceedings'. Far far from it. I simply don't have the confidence.

She invited me into her hotel room and she initiated things. I was really quite passive in the whole thing. So whilst I am not trying to absolve myself from blame. It really does take two to tango and she certainly took the lead.

My failure was one of weakness. As I said before I simply could not believe that an attractive woman 20 years younger than me would be interested in me. In fact I cannot believe ANY woman would be interested in me.

Which is why I think I shall be lonely for the rest of my life if I get divorced.

Unsurprisingly, I agree with AnyFucker. However, that aside, I just gave to say...

by text

Holy Fuck. You are a wet rag. I'd leave you for wimpishness alone. How completely spineless.

I'd 'abide' by your wife's 'rules', bar two, for the WEEKEND. The ones I wouldn't abide by, would be telling my Boss about the affair & saying no trips to Poland. She's asked, your answer has to be 'No, I'm not doing that'. Grow a pair. You want to see your youngest DD & you need your job. Your affair is NONE of your bosses business.

Spend the weekend growing a spine.

After the weekend you have to tell your eldest DD.

So what are you planning on doing - abandoning your Polish daughter?

It seems like I don't have a choice other than to abandon her which is totally heartbreaking.

Though at least one of you posting did say that she would be better off without me in her life.

So you're just going to stop seeing Little Daughter?

Your marriage sounds lonely anyway, I would refuse to stop visiting my youngest daughter & let the chips lay where they fall.

Your eldest daughter has to be told. She is an ADULT, it is NOT your wife's place to deny your daughter the knowledge you of her half sister nor the opportunity to talk to you about this & work through it with you. You will both destroy your elder daughter by jointly keeping her in the dark until you die - or she's contacted by your youngest DD or her mother.

Once more it's all you, you, you.. YOU will be lonely, YOU were passive, YOU are a poor precious snowflake that all this stuff just happened to.
Yeah, nah.

You have a responsibility to your daughter - you need to ensure she gets money and that you visit her - she at least is blameless.

As for the rest, well that's up to you. Judging by your posts I am guessing you'll apathetically accept what comes your way and never mention it to your eldest daughter despite all your talk about that potential relationship between your daughters.

You can't just lie back and be apathetic! Your daughter needs you, and your other daughter will need to know too. She's hardly likely to miss the coolness your wife will demonstrate.

All of this stems from a very very brief fling with a woman who I don't even like.

It was a terrible terrible shameful mistake.

I regret the 'fling' but I cannot regret my little Polish daughter. Because I love her.

So my future without seeing her is, to me, painful beyond belief.

Quite literally my only relationship with her will be my bank standing order to pay her mother maintenance every month.

I'm not the only person to have made a mistake in their life. I'm sure millions of men and women have made mistakes in their marriages and regretted them. Perhaps even some of you who criticise me have made mistakes?

So, you've decided then? No contact, less money and that's it?