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Original poster

Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

999 replies

tedrekasta · 05/02/2017 12:00

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

OP posts:
Original poster
tedrekasta · 10/02/2017 16:01

If only.

OP posts:
Original poster
tedrekasta · 10/02/2017 16:06

I'm not at all convinced I did the right thing in telling my wife. And as for being banned from telling my English daughter that leaves me in an impossible situation. Unless of course my wife wants to tell her herself.

OP posts:
SouthernNorthernGirl · 10/02/2017 16:12

Maybe your wife doesn't want you to tell your daughter as you seem are a terrible bearer of bad news. Fucking text?! You text your poor wife! What on earth did you say??

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Jaynebxl · 10/02/2017 16:13

I suspect it's gone a lot worse since you did it by text. Face to face you could have talked it all through but it's too late for that now.

SouthernNorthernGirl · 10/02/2017 16:13

it seems you are*

CondensedMilkSarnies · 10/02/2017 16:13

It just beggars belief !

Original poster
tedrekasta · 10/02/2017 16:17

I don't understand some of you.

You wanted me to tell my wife. And some of you said it very forcibly. So I tell her. And then you start criticising me for the way I told her.

I was too scared to tell her face to face. That's all. Nothing complicated. I was frightened. And miserable. I love her and just couldn't sit in front of her and tell her something so awful.

So I texted her. And haven't seen her since then - obviously, as she has gone to her sisters.

But it seem everything I do is wrong. I really wonder if you would be so hard on me if the genders were reversed? I suspect not.

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CondensedMilkSarnies · 10/02/2017 16:19

You did the right thing by telling her but to do it by text is just adding insult to injury.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 10/02/2017 16:19

Oh trust me you would still have had your arse handed to you if it was the other way round .

SouthernNorthernGirl · 10/02/2017 16:23

Of course it would be the same if genders where reversed. Hmm
You being a coward is about you, and this isn't about you. It's about telling your wife, and being there for the fall out she will have. It's about supporting her in the pain you've caused.
Sending a text is awful, you must know that?

SouthernNorthernGirl · 10/02/2017 16:23

were

YouWillNotSeeMe · 10/02/2017 16:24

You did the right thing in telling her. Text, err ok.
What did you expect to happen, she would meet you home from work with flowers "oh darling such wonderful news, can't wait to meet my step daughter". Of course she was going to react like this however you told her and wheneve you told her.
In her mind you have been goif to Poland to keep living your alternative family life, which is in part true. Wait to speak with your wife, tell her anything that she wants to know and the tell your daughter after you have discussed it with your wife.
You seem to not regard your wife very highly as you were only worried about telling your daughter.

Reverse it, your wife says she has a 5 year old (biological miracle) son. She has been sending money to and visiting once a month abroad. Of course you will be angry at the cowardess of a text and what she had done. I would be worried about your wife if she had acted any differently. How old is she?

Original poster
tedrekasta · 10/02/2017 16:26

Southernnortherngirl.
Why on earth would she want me there? I am probably the last person on the planet she wants to see or hear from.

OP posts:
Original poster
tedrekasta · 10/02/2017 16:27

My wife is 65. Though I can't see how that affects anything.

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YouWillNotSeeMe · 10/02/2017 16:28

So it's our fault after texting her she didn't meet you with a hug? Of course it's the same the other way around when talking about a secret family!
Anyway you are in charge of your own actions, "I don't understand some of you". People could have replied (for example) kill your wife for the insurance money that way not telling her until you die in your will benefits you, don't tell your daughter, move to Poland and win the lottery and then become king of the castle" it's still your decision to do things.

HerOtherHalf · 10/02/2017 16:28

I really wonder if you would be so hard on me if the genders were reversed? I suspect not.

You suspect wrong. Let me give you a male gender take on it. Telling her something like this, something that is going to destroy her present, throw her future into doubt and leave her wondering if her entire past has all been a lie and not even having the decency to do it to her face is as cvntish as it gets.

You are a coward wallowing in self pity and only paying lip service to the feelings of the people you claim to love.

There. Does that settle the gender debate?

Original poster
tedrekasta · 10/02/2017 16:29

And as I keep saying I did NOT have a relationship with the Polish woman. I am NOT having a relationship with her. And don't want one with her. And if I could visit my Polish daughter without meeting her mother that would be wonderful.

OP posts:
SouthernNorthernGirl · 10/02/2017 16:30

Why on earth wouldn't she want you there?!
To answer her questions, to know that you at least respect her enough still to tell her to her face.
Pathetic OP

SouthernNorthernGirl · 10/02/2017 16:34

You are a coward wallowing in self pity and only paying lip service to the feelings of the people you claim to love

^ This ^

Original poster
tedrekasta · 10/02/2017 16:39

Whether or not that is true I am prepared to admit that my wife described me as being a 'needy' person on several occasions. Though why that should equate to not loving her - when in fact I do - is beyond me.

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SouthernNorthernGirl · 10/02/2017 16:44

If you love her so much OP, why aren't you showing her so?

Chippednailvarnishing · 10/02/2017 16:44

I'm actually laughing at how you have just sent a text message, wrecked your wife's life and all your pity is for yourself.

I'm starting to wonder if this is a wind up.

However looking on the brightside your wife will get an awesome divorce settlement. If you think your skint now, wait until your wife has the house, your pension and you still have to pay maintenance.

EminemTickets · 10/02/2017 16:46

You've finally done the right thing in telling her even if not to her face which would have been better but you can't change that now. Neither can you change it that you should have told her a long time ago. But hopefully whatever your wife decides to do now will lead to things working out for the best in the end even if it's not what you would have wanted - things happen for a reason

CondensedMilkSarnies · 10/02/2017 16:46

And as I keep saying I did NOT have a relationship with the Polish woman

But you did shag her though .

Original poster
tedrekasta · 10/02/2017 16:54

Whilst I can understand that what I did was totally wrong.

I can't understand why some of you seem to be so pleased that I am miserable and have a miserable future ahead of me.

Don't you have any kindness within you?

Yes I should have told my wife earlier. But one of the reasons was because I didn't want to make her miserable. Which she obviously is now.

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