"Life with a new baby is shit, you hate your dh/dp and you hate your life" - do you really all agree with that?

[emkana]

don't want to go into this on the Cathy O'Neill thread, but just wanted to pick up on what marthamoo said there and ask for general opinions on this - is that really what you all feel/felt?

I don't want to p*ss everybody off by going on about how wonderful I found early parenthood - but I do remember that after having dd1 I was just ecstatic at how wonderful she was, how much I loved her, how I felt I had found the meaning of life... it was just completely mind-blowing.
Yes, I was tired etc. but I felt the happiest I had ever felt. I have found things much harder since having more than one, but again with dd2 it was less new babyhood that got me down, but the later stages, when she became a toddler, and all the issues that came along with that... tantrums etc., how to discipline successfully, feeling inadequate in my parenting...

but i just love new babies... sigh...
(and ds is eight months already...)

Sunnyjim - I am someone who just has to have a look at a newborn, and I wasn't before I had children of my own. I think I'm probably a terrible old tree-hugger, but honestly, if you look into the eyes of a tiny baby they look like the wisest, most complete people on the planet, especially moments after birth. Just looking at them makes me think of the whole future, what a miracle life is, how astounding that they got here in the first place. It really is the most amazing event in human life - the birth of a whole new person who didn't exist 40 weeks before. That said, I found looking after my own tiny babies hard at times. With my second I was a bit calmer because I could envisage the times when it would all make a bit more sense.

Message withdrawn

I love newborns, and we had to jump through lots of hoops to conceive DS, so I just felt really guilty about how I was finding things so hard when DS was tiny.

I think that's why I didn;t tell anyone how bad I felt. Even DH admits now he had no idea how awful I was feeling.

I don;t know if I had PND, but agree with BakedPotato that I also thought that I was feeling so bad due simply to sleep deprivation alone, whereas now I think this was not the whole picture at all.

hmm I didn't even have PND (and I feel terribly sorry for those of you and your families who had to go through that)

I was just shocked I guess - I also hadn't entertained the reality of what life would be like with a child with health problems (and they weren't even that bad) - once dd (and ds) were born, I ASSUMED that that was the hard bit and as they appeared ok, everything would be plain sailing.

I hadn't predicted how horrendously difficult it would be to get doctors to take you seriously (because you're a first time mother, you MUST be paranoid), to endlessly trek up to hospital for outpatient clinics with a newborn, to be told that they couldn't predict whether the asthma/eczema/reflux/UTIs would get worse/get better and to know, sitting in those outpatient clinics with babies with FAR FAR worse problems, that actually, you've got off lightly here yet you're still struggling. How do you get through another day of permanent screaming, no sleep, constant vomiting, wheezing when NO-ONE seems to be bothered.

It was awful - we had ds very soon after we had dd because I always wanted more than one and knew if we waited for things to improve, we'd never have any more.

I do love my children, with all my heart, but my goodness, that first 6-12 months was a struggle.

sunnyjim, do not despair. I really struggled with the baby & toddler bit, but find that I really enjoy being with my children. My two are 7 and nearly 5 & I think for the last two years I have really taken motherhood in my stride. Before that I was just enduring it. I'm just not that into babies or small children. I loved mine very much but I didnn't "enjoy" them at all when they were little.
I was permanently tired, not just normal tired, but exhausted. That is not a good basis for enjoying anything.

DS is 9 mths and its only in the last few months I've had flashes of 'this could be fun'. For me (and its good to hear lots of different perspectives) it was horrible - DS was small at birth, we had feeding problems, return visits to hospital etc etc. I got so anxious that when he slept I still couldn't and I got quite het up about keeping the house straight - yes I know it was dumb but thats the way my mind worked. Last year I remember Bonfire Night and sitting in the house howling with self pity. I love DS to bits and I think it was only once we got past 6 mths taht I started to chill (though I'm still pretty uptight - but thats me!) and find that my new life could be enjoyable but in a different way to my old one. For me the whole first few months felt like you'd been in a car crash and then told next day get up and run a marathon - its good to know that others have similiar and not so similar feelings

Sunnyjim, don't worry. You're not missing something - whether that means you're not all there or you've missed out on something.

You've got the rest of your time with DS to look forward to and enjoy. So you're not a baby/small child person. Maybe you'll have great fun with him when he's a wee bit older. Many people do feel the same way.

Really great thread going here I've been moved to tears by a lot of it, for the warmest feelings and the hardest of times but always a sense of 'knowing' that it all makes sense... somehow, somewhere and at sometime....

I've chosen the route of voluntary amnesia after the birth of dd, now 7 Not 'cos of PND -thankfully missed that, just got PPD instead (post partner depression) cracked nipples (ok ok, who could completely forget them) or lost sleep ( I do that for FUN on a sat night nowadays!)... In fact, who am I,where am I??! I HAVE a daughter??!

Like peachychair I don't like 4-5,IMO reception age is pants - they are neither toddlers or able to tie their own shoelaces....

Not seen other thread or read this entire thread but just want to add that I love life with a new baby - regardless how knackered I am. With DD1 everything about her amazed and delighted us. With DD2 (12 days) everything is the same - even though she doesnt actually do anything yet apart from eat, sleep and shit.
DP and I definately grew closer after dd1 was born and I feel that we have grown even closer through the pregnancy and arrival of dd2.
I think it is pretty safe to assume that i will be back for dc3.

I do agree with that, apart from the hating dh bit, although I was very jealous of him being able to go off to work and have a normal non-baby life.
I hated the first 6 weeks, and didn't start to positively enjoy ds until he was at least 12 weeks old. I love it now though (well, most of the time).
Mine was one of the unputdownable ones too.

I want to try and have another child soon, but the thought of having to go through those first few weeks again really fills me with horror.

hated first time

loved second time

I loved it first time and hated it second time - from 12 weeks to 12 months I agree totally (PND) stopped bf & I'm a different person (bloody hormones!)

Sunnyjim - Not saying we felt empty then - we were having a blast - & bringing a baby into a chic loft (one big room; no doors) hit me like a Mack truck. I had a great body (before pg); we had season tickets to the opera & theater; I had cut working down to 2 days/week during pg; we had fabulous friends - don't have the tickets, chic loft, or quite the body - did keep the fab friends, none of whom have kids ... it's hard to come to terms with being a mom. I hated it; thought I'd ruined my life. I was right in the short term, wrong in the long term, but didn't begin to see it that way until DS1 was over 6 months. The thing is, sharing knowledge can be fun & rewarding. Have introduced DS1 to the Beatles, Louis Armstrong, etc. When both boys are older we'll get to take them diving & to NYC & it'll be so much more fun for us b/c we'll get to do it all again like the first time through their eyes. Very important IMO is take at least one vacation per year where it's just you & your DH, and try to get out & do what you used to do together & with friends every few weeks.
We take an anniversary trip every year & this year it's Jamaica. Today is our anniversary - 8 years sorry; off subject ...

BTW, didn't like kids & never held a baby 'til DS1.

If I can get "into" this mom thing, tend to have hope that anyone can.

Personally I really enjoyed early babyhood, although we had lots of probs as DS was 10 weeks prem.... But once he came home from hospital I remember feeling happier than I have ever in my life... Exhausted and at times probably a little crazy but just utterly in love with my little bundle... And he wasn't a great one for sleeping etc. for ages!! I hated returning to work and still look back on my maternity leave as magical months.... I have found toddlerhood more challenging (hmmm...maybe infuriating at times is a better description!) by a long way, but the rewards of watching DS learn and he is generally a v happy boy make it all bearable.

Bit more worried about how I am going to enjoy babyhood with no.2 which is on its way... I definitely made use of getting in cat naps in the day with DS which of course won't really be able to do this time round as DS doesn't sleep in the day much anymore!! And tiredness can make you SO miserable!

I sometimes wonder if time of year makes a difference... both my babies will have been tiny in the summer so at least the days are longer and in a way you don't notice the lack of sleep so much?

I love it, ds is very easy, I am amazed by how much I love him and I love being at home and not caught up in all the workplace b**cks. I'm really surprised, I was expecting an easy birth and a horrendous time with a newborn, and I had it completely the other way round

Parenting an infant was the hardest thing I've ever done. My 37 hour long labour probably didn't help, but I also had; difficulties BF, utter, utter exhaustion like I've never known before or since, I could barely manage to get dressed before it got dark because I felt so overwhelmed, DD had reflux and slept badly, I suffered quite badly with the hormonal changes and felt like a wet rag for about three months, I felt planted on the couch and unable to move for the constant demands, I cried and argued with DH and fantasised about running away. All that and I didn't even qualify as having PND on the Edinburgh questionnaire thingy. Thank goodness DH was able to be around a lot and help.

I think that being as poor as we were when she was born also added a massive stress factor.

By contrast, I find toddlerhood enchanting. She sleeps a 12 hr stint every night so I get time to recharge and sleep, she's investigating the world and I get to rediscover all sorts of things from her innocent/Tao-like perspective and her personality is asserting itself in a delightful way- no longer just a pink blob that cries, pukes, eats and poops.

I have a theory that those who prefer babies prefer their children to be malleable and passive, I much prefer willful toddlerhood as I am interested in who my DD is not what I can make her be IYSWIM.

With dd1 I was blissfully happy with her and dh but she was an easy baby who slept for 12 hours each night from the age of 9 weeks. She became hell at age 3-4

The twins, well I am sorry but there is no way newborn twins are blissful but I did have terrible PND with them and the first 2 years was almost a blur

dd4 was 7 weeks prem and of course I had 3 others so it was hard but not shit and she became a dream baby like the 1st

Ds1 who is now 12 weeks is pretty much a nightmare and I actually feel like I have had it too easy with the girls and all of a sudden here is this boy who has thrown our world upside down. I expected the usual 6-8 weeks of chaotic, sleep deprived hell but he is 12 weeks and still like a newborn.
That said, I still LOVE the newborn stage and bur prefer the 3m-1yr age

I loved the newborn stage and certainly didn't hate DH, admired him hugely for taking on a second job to enable me to be at home on maternity leave for longer.

We waited years for a baby and were both thrilled to bits when our twin girls were born - they are six tomorrow .

DH agrees mostly but does think I'm looking back through rose-tinted specs, blocking out the bad bits .

Oh I was miserable! I won't go into details but believe me it was bad. V traumatic 'crash' caesarian closely followed by death of MIL then Dad. At the risk of annoying Mumsnetters, I must admit that it was She Who Must Not Be Named who helped me most - because the infamous routines gave me little markers which split the day up and gave me little goals to aim for. Otherwise I was just lost at sea in a thick fog.

dueat44
What a terrible time for you. My heart goes out to you.

I must agree with you about she who must not be named, I loved the whole thing, and it made the toddler years 60 billion times easier. He never plays up at bedtime,which is always the same time.

The first few months of DDs life (she is now 8 1/2 months) were awful. She was a terrible breastfeeder, and I recall spending hours trying to get her to latch on at 2am in the morning with both of us in tears. Then a few more hours rocking her crib to get her off to sleep, only to have her wake again after 20mins. The exhaustion really got to me.

I think it all depends on whether you have an easy baby. Still, if we have another, I'll be prepared for the worst!

Is there any way of alerting those Mnetters who are due their first child shortly to the existence of this thread? Would it be doing them any favours? So many posters have said they wish they had been forewarned about the difficulties of the first weeks, especially with a first baby. I share that feeling, even though I was 38 when I had my first so most of my friends had already had children, no-one actually sat me down and said: "the thing is with a baby of 2 to 6 weeks is mostly they will cry if you aren't feeding or carrying them, so you really must be prepared to listen to crying even if you just want to go for a wee, and therefore showering or cooking or cleaning or going to the shops or doing anything else without a baby attached to you is pretty much impossible" - if only I had known that in advance it wouldn't have seemed so unreasonable. But none of them did. Do you think the first time expectant mothers want to hear this, or are they all focussed (probably quite understandably) on just the birth?

Even divorce wasn't as traumatic as the arrival of my firstborn.

lol - was it that bad bugsy!!!

some of the statements were true for me. I remember being utterly bewildered why people had children. I also felt like I was in a parallel universe (I guess somewhat isolated) . I also had moments of feeling like I was being punished for misdemeanors in my prevoius life.

However dd has changed a great deal and now 7 months on these statements no longer apply. hth

hope no one is reading this and deciding to be childless.
I wish I had done this before

With my daughter who is now 16 months, i had an easy pregnancy, a horrific birth resulting in a emergency c/s, and a case of baby blues after. But my mum said that after the first 6 weeks i would suddenly wonder what i did before and she was right. Ok, it was hard and the sleepless nights were difficult, but luckily by the time she was 8 weeks she was sleeping thru, and luckily i was so besotted with her, that i got thru it ok. And DP and I - ok we had our moments who doesnt? But we were very happy and are still. DS arrived in Dec of last year, i got pg when DD was 5 months old, and i was petrifed, it was a complete accident, i thought i was going to ruin my precious girls babyhood by imposing a new baby on her. And i had gone back to work full time aswell only a week before i found out! I spent the second pregnancy running round after a baby/turned toddler and hardly noticed i was expecting. I had a fabulous birth, a week early, was home the next day so my daughter barely knew i had gone, and my son (now 3 months) has never given me a moments trouble. He is gorgeous, just like his sister and i am finding being a mum of 2 even better than a mum of one. My children bring me alot of joy. Newborns do take alot of work yes, but they are definitely not hellish in my opinion, they are special, unique, tiring but rewarding times. Myself and DP - well DF now, he proposed the Xmas after our daughter was born, we're a happy contented family unit, we love each other more than ever - because we look and see these two beautiful happy babies that are half him and half me. I will always look back on the newborn days as my transition to being a grown up, and i loved them no matter how hard it was at the time. I feel for those who struggled, or didnt find it enjoyable, because i cant imagine feeling any other way. That being said, i dont want anyone to think i judge, i dont, i had two easy babies, i cannot say how i would have felt if either had been colicky, crying all night etc, and believe me, i know i am lucky i didnt.

Mummy2sadie - "sleeping through at 8 weeks" I think said it all for me. It has taken us 8 1/2 mths to get DD sleeping thru (7pm to 6.30am) - and I know we are quite lucky in comparison to some others. Personally, I think if you have a) an easy baby and/or b) are someone that can cope with little sleep, you will love those first few months.

Now I'm well rested and DD is sleeping, I'm really enjoying being a mother a whole lot more.