"Life with a new baby is shit, you hate your dh/dp and you hate your life" - do you really all agree with that?

[emkana]

don't want to go into this on the Cathy O'Neill thread, but just wanted to pick up on what marthamoo said there and ask for general opinions on this - is that really what you all feel/felt?

I don't want to p*ss everybody off by going on about how wonderful I found early parenthood - but I do remember that after having dd1 I was just ecstatic at how wonderful she was, how much I loved her, how I felt I had found the meaning of life... it was just completely mind-blowing.
Yes, I was tired etc. but I felt the happiest I had ever felt. I have found things much harder since having more than one, but again with dd2 it was less new babyhood that got me down, but the later stages, when she became a toddler, and all the issues that came along with that... tantrums etc., how to discipline successfully, feeling inadequate in my parenting...

but i just love new babies... sigh...
(and ds is eight months already...)

Ditto Marthamoo's experience.
Even now (nearly 10 years later) i find it so sad to remember how horrible that first year of ds's life was.
I disliked him ...it was just like some horrible mistake.....i wanted someone to take him away...and give him a proper mother. I hated myself for being so stupid as to think i could be a mother.
I was sick...really poorly...it was only as i started to recover and come out of the fog that i could look back and see it for the illness that it was.
I know Hv ofton get a bad press but i hid it so well (it was such a shameful secret!)and a hv was the only person who realised. She must have had suspicions because she kept on visiting (long after visits should stop i now realise) and took my arm one day and said 'It's ok to cry you know'
I thought i would never stop. ds was about 8 months old.

JimJams: I look back on my idyllic first year with ds1 and think "you fool, you fucking fool, how stupid can you have been not to see what was coming, idiot for enjoying it so much"

There are a lot of sad sentences on this thread, but that is by far the saddest. I'm so sorry JimJams.

I don't feel guilty any more though - just very sad. And the funny thing is, I had to get it again to stop feeling guilty. Even though - once I was better - I read a lot about PND and understood on a rational level that I was ill and it wasn't my fault - somewhere, deep down, I didn't quite believe it. I thought it was me - my inadequacy as a parent, and that really I should never had had a child. I knew I was doing OK (most days!) as a Mum by the time ds1 got to about 3 years old, but I still felt that the terrible time I'd had with him was - at least partly - because I was just not any good at motherhood: I hadn't been patient, I'd resented him, I couldn't cope with the lack of sleep, I had been fundamentally selfish. Other people could do it - other people loved it - what was wrong with me that I couldn't?

And then I got it again with ds2- and this time I knew I was OK at the Mummy stuff, I was even quite resigned and used to the lack of sleep...but I still fell into that black hole again. And that's when I forgave myself and finally accepted that it wasn't me - it was the illness.

So it's a good job the GP wouldn't arrange for me to be sterilised when I went to her when ds1 was a few months old and said I was never going to have any more children. She said I might change my mind

It's awful that it's so bad for so many people - and it's good that somewhere like MN exists so that we can see we're not alone. PND was barely touched upon at my ante-natal classes and everyone at the post-natal classes I went to seemed to be so damn good at it - I didn't tell any of them how hard I was finding it. It's very hard to admit to - to anyone. I have at least two friends (Troutpout being one ) who kept their PND hidden from midwives/HVs/GPs. We need to talk about this stuff...

Yes, I'd agree with that Issymum

Terrific posts Jimjams and Moo, albeit v. sad. I know someone who fooled her HV for a number of months too. I think it is terribly important that we do talk about PND and are honest about how it feels and how it looks.

it seems that for a lot of people a traumatic birth linked to a difficult time with the baby. dd1 was pretty traumatic - but (and this is probably pretty controversial - though I'm not for one second trying to generalise my experience) I think that in my case traumatic labour had quite a bit to do with the relief/love hormones/immediate bonding all kicking in. dd2, on the other hand, was a straight-forward birth - but stressful in a different way - she came too quickly and dh had to deliver her. physically everything was fine but mentally I think I was in shock - and I think that may well have delayed all the good things.

Oh, and Scummy - that was such a lovely thing to say and it made me cry. And thanks for my hug, Fio.

I don't agree with the first part of the OP, I never felt like that and found the baby stage quite easy really, I had lots of other shit stuff go on in that time and TBH having my DS took my mind off all the other stuff and gave me a reason to be strong and get through the year. I kicked my DH out, he was violent and emptied my bank account for drugs while I was in hospital with DS for first three weeks as he was so premature. then I had to finish my PGCE as a single mum with a newborn, so it was a busy and stressful time but he was a good baby. I think my experiences of babyhood would have been very different if he cried a lot, didn't settle, had colic etc.

Oh and BFing was a nightmare to start, no milk at first, then sore cracked nipples and an infection, the most horrific pain you could emagine every time he ent to latch on... even the memory makes me tense up

I found the two year old stage much harder.

Personally, no, I didn't feel all those negative emotions. I was quite happy. I was lucky not to suffer with 'baby blues' or PND though.

That statement is a bit strong but can't say I love the first 9 months. PND is appalling and I wish someone had a) warned me about it and b) made me get help when I had ds. He is really lovely now he's 3 but its been hard work getting rid of the guilt I felt over not bonding with him. I enjoyed the first year with dd much more but would still say the sleep deprivation nearly killed me and it has tested our marriage both times. I love breastfeeding but hated the dependence on me as she would never take a bottle. I love them both to bits and would like another but the fact that I'm going through counselling now says something doesn't it!

LOVED the early days with both DDs. Did hate my DH though!(Well, not hate exactly, but didn't like the bugger.)

Tis only the truth, moo.

Jimjams- I bet your boy was a gorgeous baby. He is a gorgeous little boy too, imo. I always smile when I remember his cheeky little face on the video clip you sent me of him. How is he doing, btw? Still enjoying school and slides?

Ah, you didn't see me screeching like a harridan at bath-time last night though

Ah well, screeching is part of the important guarding against motherly perfection which any fule no is bad for children.

That statement was not true for me but i can see how it may have been for others, i suppose it was a bit true with my having dd who was my 2nd.

when we had ds our 1st i loved it, i loved the way my life changed & loved the fact we were a little family, me & dp became closer & closer & things were great, i really suffered with ds when he hit 2 & it went on for about a yr, that is when i felt shit because he was a very challenging child to say the least.

When dd was born i was fine for the 1st 2 weeks but then i went down hill & i suppose i kept thinking how shit my life was & how i felt "stuck" i felt there was not enough of me to go round & someone always needed me, but then i had Pnd so it all was put into perspective.

I love being a mum & would not change it for the world, my kids are fab our relationship is fab & life is ok too.

I'll tell them that next time I do it.

Marthamoo, did anyone mention thyroiditis to you? It sounds to me as if you may have had it. It's a transient problem with the thyroid triggered by birth, initial symptoms are heart palpitations, very fast weight loss, nervousness and sleeplessness, which is then followed 2-4months later by an underactive thyroid that triggers sometimes severe depression and lethargy.
It sounds an appalling experience and I'm really sorry

I hated the newborn stage, the constant breastfeeding, the crying, the severe lack of sleep (that was the worst thing I have ever experienced) and thinking that it would never end and my life was over.

Now that dd is older I am really enjoying parenthood but I really did not enjoy the early baby stage, horrible !

I can't help wondering if a person's ability to cope with sleep deprivation massively affects the enjoyment of the first 6 weeks. For me, unless I get at least 6 hours sleep a night, I can't cope - get tonsilitas everytime, that flicky eye thing and am an emotional liability. Hence I found it difficult to 'enjoy' the 1st 6 weeks though I would have long drippy periods of time gazing at awe at my beautiful dd (I was too tired to do anything else...). When she started only needing 1 night feed was when I really started to enjoy motherhood. Pathetic maybe but true.

Really? Never heard of that one but it sounds like my experience.

I've onlt skimmed through this thread but I read your post Martha because so many people were commenting on how sad it was.
I think I'm horribly naive because I really truely and honestly didn't realise taht a mum could feel that bad and find the newborn stage such a awful experience.

I had a tint brush with PND when DS3 was little but it was a very short time and I came out the other side unscathed. it breaks my heart to read how bad some women find it....I think because I enjoy it so much I have my head firming in the sand about how hard others find it. I feel like I should thank you for opening my eyes to it....

Ds4 is 6 weeks old today and after reading this thread I think my lucky stars that I have it so easy.

I didn't have any thyroid tests at the time - and no-one mentioned it as a possibility (I had a thyroid test years later when I was ttc again without success, iirc). Those symptoms do sound like mine - I also had severe night sweats (GP put it down to hormones) - we had to change the sheets at least twice a night. And I used to shake uncontrollably. I didn't have palpitations then - but I started with tachycardia when ds1 was about a year old (when I came off the first lot of anti-depressants).

Blimey, it was a barrel of laughs

Some babies really are far harder than others. Some are cheery little things who rarely whinge, and settle well and sleep well. Others cry or scream or fuss for a lot of the time. I have never forgotten a walk with my first baby, a few weeks old, with a friend and her baby the same age. Hers was an absolute nightmare, wouldn't go in the buggy, wouldn't be carried, wouldn't settle, just screamed. and screamed. and screamed. whatever we did. Mine just chirruped happily even when bunged in a corner while we tried to sort the screamer. They were like two creatures of a different species (and we both were into co-sleeping and bf and slings and all that attachment stuff so they were getting similar approaches).

Oh LTH - it's lovely to enjoy it. I look at newborn babies now and they are so perfect and magical...

Hated the first 12 weeks of DS1's life. He screamed and was miserable and inconsolable and never slept.

DS2 is 5 weeks today and I can't say I'm enjoying it much more (see other thread under 'feeling depressed' life with newborn getting me down). He is pretty much how fennel describes her friend's newborn and it's bloody hard work and even more so now I have DS1. Oh how I prayed and hoped for an easy baby this time.

and yes I think life is shit when you have a very difficult newborn