"Life with a new baby is shit, you hate your dh/dp and you hate your life" - do you really all agree with that?

[emkana]

don't want to go into this on the Cathy O'Neill thread, but just wanted to pick up on what marthamoo said there and ask for general opinions on this - is that really what you all feel/felt?

I don't want to p*ss everybody off by going on about how wonderful I found early parenthood - but I do remember that after having dd1 I was just ecstatic at how wonderful she was, how much I loved her, how I felt I had found the meaning of life... it was just completely mind-blowing.
Yes, I was tired etc. but I felt the happiest I had ever felt. I have found things much harder since having more than one, but again with dd2 it was less new babyhood that got me down, but the later stages, when she became a toddler, and all the issues that came along with that... tantrums etc., how to discipline successfully, feeling inadequate in my parenting...

but i just love new babies... sigh...
(and ds is eight months already...)

I've been reading all these messages and wondering what our men really think / thought about it all... Mine says it was lovely for him because I did all the hard work, breastfeeding and stuff. looking back I think he didn't really acknowledge that at the time, although he wasn't one of those that suddenly find they need to leave early and stay later than ever at work - a solution many resort to.

I'm a 1st time Mum to a 6 week old, so nice to know that they do eventually sleep longer than 3 hours at a time! I'm exhausted!

I expected it to be hell, so I was pleasantly surprised even though there were problems with colicky crying baby. I learned to take opportunities to rest during the day. Felt sorry at the time for mothers who from the very early days had to worry about going back to work, as I had a year off. But once I went back, I never felt the same about work and career again. I just didn't care about it, resented spending time on it and paying some one else to do what I would prefer to be doing, resented every compromise to family life that my going back to work entailed. Despite all that, I did quite like doing the work while I was there, if that makes sense. It was just the arranging to be there, and the thought of what I was missing.

I hated it for the first 6 months, the first 6 weeks were a nightmare due to feeding problems and once I'd finally accepted that bf was not going to work I was absolutedly consumed by guilt. Poor dd, I wanted to have her adopted and there was at least one night where I thought, when she finally goes to sleep I will go and throw myself off the pier. Luckily she never did go to sleep that night.

Yes I did have PND and I will never forget being at my first NCT post natal group feeling like I had "we haven't bonded" tattooed on my forehead. I hated dh quite regularly because he used to come home and fall asleep on the sofa once he'd eaten the dinner I'd cooked for him.

Three years on I am expecting again and dreading those first 6 weeks.

I was totally in love with my DD when she was born and because I was sick we had eight days in hospital to bond. Unfortunately this meant DH felt excluded by the time we were home and our marriage suffered (not least from him moving into the spare room citing lack of sleep!!!!

I was v lucky that I sort of knew the first six weeks would be the pits and I just ticked off the days and kept hoping for improvement. Then about five weeks in, she smiled and I forgot how much I hated the situation (for a bit anyway)

Still it's bloody boring with little babies, they just don't DO ANYTHING!!!! Can't wait till she can crawl/talk/make me a cup of tea (particularly the latter).

I felt like I'd given birth to a hungry locust for most of the first six weeks.

Southender, if you did your best, why should you feel guilty? You have to make your decisions according to what is available to you. Every new parent has problems of one kind or another. If they say they don't, they're probably lying. Or just trying to look on the bright side, which is not a bad attitude to have.

My daughter is currently 4 months and I am really enjoying it BUT the first six weeks were hell! Lack of sleep, feeding problems (mastitis scare, one nipple that totaly split down the middle and bled so much that her poo turned black, PAIN..) As soon as I got the feeding sorted and she started smiling and occupying herself a bit, everything changed.

I feel I will cope better if I have another simply because I know what to expect, but I still can't understand people who love the newborn stage....

What a brave, honest thread! My DD is 3.5 months, and it's only VERY recently that I've started to enjoy motherhood. I found the baby blues, the lack of sleep and dealing with colic very depressing, and Mums Net became a bit of a life line for me at that time. Things get better with each week that passes, but I'm still haunted by the memory of those first couple of months. Obviously is different if you have an easy birth and placid baby.

This thread has made me feel so much better!

Dealing with a newborn was the hardest thing I have done in my life. Thinking back to those first six weeks still fills me with horror. I really want another baby but the thought of going through this again terrifies me.

The worst thing is, if I mention this to friends (who all seem to be childless or with easy babies) I get blank stares.

On the positive side, things improved tremendously from about 3 months and ds is now lovely at 16 months.

Terrible twos, here we come...

southender, please don't feel guilty about the BF thing. I too tried BF (under extreme pressure from HV and midwife) and it didn't work at all for us. I think it was one of the major factors in how much I loathed the first couple of weeks and it coloured my impression of DS.

I was in incredible pain, bleeding, he wasn't gianing weight, he fed very badly and slept terribly. I felt isolated and very out of control.

Once I took control back and switched to formula things got SOOO much better for us all. I do think a large part of the difficulties in the early stages can come from the pressure to be the 'perfect' parent. To BF, clothe your baby in organic sleepsuits, have soft white fluffy cloth nappies, home cooked organic puree's, make marvellous friends at your postnatel group, lose your baby weight, get dressed every day, get your baby out to baby signing etc. And on top of all of this you get the pressure of people saying things like "aren't you enjoying being at home with the baby" "have you bonded yet?" "is he sleeping yet" etc etc.

The best thing i did, was switch my brain back on and decide that as me and DB had been raised without organic this that and the other, mom had worked/studied, DB was formula fed, both of us had disposable nappies and neither of us had a single baby signing class or mozart played whilst in the womb, but we'd managed to run out okay then I shouldn't worry too much!

DB and I had quite a few different thing sin our childhoods too and although we are of course different people the difference between homegrown allotment produce (DB) and baby jars (Me); BF (me) and FF (DB); mom working (me) mom at home (DB) wasn't the lifelong impact that people would have you believe.

I think that every single pg is different. I have 3 ds aged 5, 3, and 18mths - all three are completely different. I dealt with them differently too when they were born. I totally empathise with some of you speaking about the hell of newborns. I hate that first stage in general, but I did really suffer with pnd with ds1. dh was billiant at taking over and yes I felt like i was stuck in some black hole for around 6mnths. It was like someone had taken my mind and my space and no-one saw me for me and everyone said how fantastic i looked even though i was three stone heavier with black eyes through lack of sleep and nerves shattered to pieces. I did the basics like bf ds1 the occasional nappy change and dress, but I just couldn't function. I felt nothing for him and felt guilty for it which of course made things worse. i put myself in the position that i had to be this perfect mum and i felt like i failed - even now i resent the fact that it was so bad. I positively hated it when I heard other mums say how wonderful life is and how they couldn't understand mums who don't love their new babies . I could easily give him to some else at that stage. All i wanted was to get away from 'it' for as long as possible and hated being on my own with ds1. I cried most days and the other days i was putting on a front for everyone else. It didn't matter how i felt because no-one seemed to hear me when i told them how bad i felt. I never let the mw know how bad i felt through fear of looking like a bad mother who couldn't cope. It was positively the worst kind of hell i have ever felt.
I went on to have ds2 two yrs l8tr and he was cs born. i fell in love completely the second i laid eyes on him and all my fears of my experience before were gone. it was still crap for around 8mths but dh was again to the rescue with nights nappies and hsewk!. Then 2yrs l8tr ds3 arrived and he's different again. great pg and birth pain for sleeping - even now, but i deal with it better now. dh still does most night wakes as i just come to accept that i can't do everything!
Still; ds1 was the worst experience by far for me and anyone who dares say they have it easy runs the risk of severe dagger-envy from those who haven't!! I love my ds's for everything they are - but give me ones that need less attention and care - please!!lol

I agree, I wish I had read this when I was pregnant - I expected to feel an amazing bond with my ds immediately, thought I'd love every second but actually felt bored a lot of the time and was glad to get back to work part time when ds was 6 months old to get a bit of the old me back. I really struggled to find my "mothers instinct", constantly felt that I wasn't coping as well as my other friends with babies were and felt like I was putting a front on that said I am coping, this is really easy. I now realise that everyone else was probably putting this front on as well!!! Like a couple of others have said, I was grieving for my old life and felt very jealous of couples without kids who could do exactly what they wanted. I now realise bonding is a slow process (for me anyway) and I love spending time with my DS (now 14 months) but it took us a while to get here. BTW I had a textbook pregnancy and birth and an easy baby but still felt like this so take my hat off to anyone who had it harder than me

first 6 weeks are hell. My lovely friend has a 3 week old and just phoned saying 'why didnt you tell me its so horrid!!' She who must not be named saved my sanity and 6 weeks and I never looked back. But bloody hell sleep deprevation is the worst thing ever.

Am feeling hopeful as so many of you have said that you hated motherhood first time round and loved it second time.
I have just found out I am expcting no2 and am happy...but also a bit anxious.
With ds (3.5) it was so awful that I can hardly think about it without wanting to cry.
Poorly baby, in and out of hospital, me with retained placenta, infection after infection, PND...I could go on!
Did any of you panic at the thought of baby No2? Or is it just me?

someoen asked if pregnant mums should read this thread. I think they should because it does give a range of experiences but elts you know thta it might not go as smoothly as baby books imply.

If I'd known more about what it would be like i would have not got pregnant! but even if reading it later on I would have made some different decisions;
To attend all the antenatel classes becasue even if I had nothing in common at the moment with other mumstobe once I had a child I would need to have contact with other parents.
Not to try and complete a diploma in politics whilst on maternity leave from ym paid job.
To do my retraining/career change BEFORE pregnancy.
Not to try and BF when I didn't want to in the first place.
To get baby used to nursery to give me some time out.
Not to have pale carpet laid in the living room
To hire a cleaner
To finish guest bed so I could ask GParents to stay more often to help out
To negotiate a redundancy package at work that was to my benefit instead of fondly believing they wouldn't make me redudant
Not to go back to work until baby was 1yr old. (not because i believe baby needed me at home but because the logistics of having a baby under 1yr and both parents wokrign f/t are almost impossible without seriuos childcare backup)
or alternativly to go back earlier - 7-8 months is one of the worst times because they are just hitting the first stages of seperation anxiety!
To buy the top of the range pram becasue no-one told me how much dammed walking you do with a baby.
To be more relaxed about the whole thing.

I suppose forewarned is forearmed for the next baby anyway, isn't it? At least you have your experience to draw on - not like when you're expecting your first and people tell you stuff and you don't really believe them (or I didn't anyway!)
Someone professional suggested to me that, in additon to the women who struggle with difficult births/colic/feeding and relationship problems, the women who suffer depression most after having a baby are those who think a lot. The ones who find it very difficult to switch off their brains. Speaking as someone who was constructing this response in her head at 3.10am while trying to get back to sleep, I do think that women who are able to accept their lot and not think too hard probably cope a lot better. Suspect anti-depressants help switch off rampant brains? I don't know, haven't tried them, can anyone else shed any light?
PS thanks for bf support. Knowing me, I'll still be obsessing about it when dd is taking her A-levels.

Becaroo - I had second baby recently when DS was 3.5. Dreaded it all after such a tough time before. Definately in grey fog, no sleep, painful feeding, not walking well for weeks after birth. Amazed I did it again really. No 2 TOTALLY diff experience and persoinality!! A total poppet who amazes me and even DS is loving being a big bro! Everyone said the second time wouldbe different but I couldn't beleive it. I bounced back so much better after the birth, BF was much faster to establish etc etc etc. Don't spend 9 months worrying like I did - you will hipoefully be pleasantly suprised. I felt all the supposedly natural things I didn't have such an easy time with before and just realise that last time was just hard for all sorts of reasons. Also you don't have the shock of becoming a parent again. Good luck.

Thank you for your post megancat and congratulations!
Am really going to try and stay positive through this pregnancy and hope for the best

I thought life with a new born who woke up every hour, then every 2 - 3 hours for bf until he was 9 months old very difficult. I hardly slept for the first year and felt totally exhausted all the time. I can't sleep in day light, so slepping when he napped never worked for me. I do feel that half the time I was exhausted because I had to keep checking that I was doing the right thing with bf, with sleep, with solids, etc and very little support from any one other than dh. To be fair we don't have close family nearby, so it was impossible to get help.

Ds is a very energetic, happy, chirpy, confident toddler. I find it hard keeping up with his energy (may be because I am 39 and I like sitting on my arse for more than just a few minutes at a time to watch tv or something, but never can !!), but my life would be very empty and boring without ds (and dh) so I count myself very, very lucky