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Original poster

"Life with a new baby is shit, you hate your dh/dp and you hate your life" - do you really all agree with that?

244 replies

emkana · 26/02/2007 21:36

don't want to go into this on the Cathy O'Neill thread, but just wanted to pick up on what marthamoo said there and ask for general opinions on this - is that really what you all feel/felt?

I don't want to p*ss everybody off by going on about how wonderful I found early parenthood - but I do remember that after having dd1 I was just ecstatic at how wonderful she was, how much I loved her, how I felt I had found the meaning of life... it was just completely mind-blowing.
Yes, I was tired etc. but I felt the happiest I had ever felt. I have found things much harder since having more than one, but again with dd2 it was less new babyhood that got me down, but the later stages, when she became a toddler, and all the issues that came along with that... tantrums etc., how to discipline successfully, feeling inadequate in my parenting...

but i just love new babies... sigh...
(and ds is eight months already...)

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bakedpotato · 27/02/2007 16:03

It's all very well saying 'it's all a great conspiracy', but I think we need more people flying the flag, saying how lovely tiny babies can be.

One reason why I didn't work out I had PND was bcs I'd read too much Rachel Cusk etc banging on about the misery of small babies. I honestly thought what I was feeling lost, desperate, completely drained of joy and hope was what everyone else was experiencing. Doh!

I had such a different experience second time around (after catching my PND very early and getting treatment): it has been one of the greatest thrills in my life, getting that second chance to see that tiny babies can be amazing.

There's more PND out there than is diagnosed, I'm sure of that.

MumEve · 27/02/2007 16:13

It is a very tough experience mentally and physically....but at the risk of oversimplifying......I used to remind myself that there are currently six billion people on this planet and that means that six billion mothers managed through the process of having a new baby....so no matter how tough I found things, no matter how much overthinking I did, no matter where my emotions seesawed the six billion fact remains the fact and so we ought to embrace the experience in all it's wonderful and hard entirity and....get on with it! So no I don't agree with the statement - none of us is unique in this sense and for me it was a tiring but inspiring experience!

Jimjams2 · 27/02/2007 16:14

Thanks scummy- I think that kind of depends on getting speech (I can't see the compulsions going). With even limited speech (actually it doesn't have to be speech, being able to use a letterboard would do- far more flexible than PECS) some sort of reasoning could take place. Without speech I think he'll just get stronger and less manageable.

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becaroo · 27/02/2007 16:15

One word....hell. I cannot look back at my ds first year with anything less than a grimace and that breaks my heart. I felt I was the only one struggling (hadnt discovered MN back then!) and the only one not coping. Felt worthless and useless and a bad mother. I really envy those who get that special time with their newborn, I wish I had.

MumEve · 27/02/2007 16:16

Sorry, I should have added: that is, if you aren't dealing with PND which makes the experience much much tougher than normal and I agree, often is missed. I do feel for all mums who are feeling dreadful and somehow cope dealing with PND on top of everything else.

sunnyjim · 27/02/2007 16:17

mumeve, telling myself that "other people manage so why can't I" never seemed to work for me.

Out of curiosty, WHY are tiny babies lovely? what is it about them that makes some people like them?

becaroo · 27/02/2007 16:20

They arent sunnyjim....they are smelly and noisy and my ds looked like an alien due to only being 4.5 libs, jaundice and heat rash (he is now the most handsome 3.5 year old on the planet of course!)

MumEve · 27/02/2007 16:22

For me it was more about reminding myself that I had no choice, I HAD to get on with it - no of course it doesn't help to think that everyone else can do it, but it did help me to think that everyone else survived through those hard early stages and that I would too.

Jimjams2 · 27/02/2007 16:22

I loved the alien look. All 3 of mine looked exactly like Yoda. I really like the way they snuggle.

becaroo · 27/02/2007 16:24

Yoda! "Snuggle you I will!"

bakedpotato · 27/02/2007 16:24

DS was just yum.
His skin, smell, hair, snuffling, the way he looked at everything when he was awake...
Poor poor DD, I can't bear to think that I remember her babyhood so differently.

charlieq · 27/02/2007 16:25

agree with sunnyjim... the 'let's pull myself together and get on with it' approach will only work if you are in a sufficiently strong state to actually get on with things in the first place. And from this thread it appears that a great deal of mothers (at least in this country) are well beyond that point.

ScummyMummy · 27/02/2007 16:27

I don't know, jj. I've worked with non-verbal teenagers with autism who are much safer out and about than I think anyone might have predicted knowing them at 7, 8 or 9. My first real job was on a playscheme for kids with disabilities. I'd see kids from summer to summer and I was always astounded at how much they'd developed over a year, even the most profoundly affected. Some autistic children who needed 2:1 support at primary level were fine in small groups of 3 or 4 with just 1 staff member later on.

Marls001 · 27/02/2007 16:58

LOL Sunnyjim, and THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!! for saying what it felt like for me each of these times with both DS1 and DS2. It is such a RELIEF to hear another mother express herself as you have. Again, thank you. Wish I knew you in RL.

Here's my deal, when thinking "why did I do this?" (Less and less, BTW): DH and I met late & had partied/club-hopped, traveled ... from the way we are, know for a fact after a while it would've really gotten empty. I know I've been made a better person with our DSs. I ask myself "what the hell else would you do with your life" in the long run ... as now we have the best of both worlds ... they'll provide a tie-in to the next generation and I'm looking forward to watching them make their way in the world and create their own lives. DH during the tough times called DS1 an investment - like a stock that needs time to mature before it's worth anything. He was def. right. Really enjoying them both now (most of the time )

Summerfruit · 27/02/2007 17:33

Message withdrawn

Summerfruit · 27/02/2007 17:53

Message withdrawn

DonnyLass · 27/02/2007 18:06

Overall -- am loving it so far(dd 5 months today!).

Have totted up -- total of 5 bad days (under-the-duvet refuge and tears) and several 'internally screaming moments' (for f*s sake)... which I don't think is bad going.

The shit bits are mostly to do with me being too hard on myself ...

too impatient
too incompetent
too fat

working on changing that to

'getting more patient'
'getting more competent'
'getting more slim'

She eclipses it all.

WinkyWinkola · 27/02/2007 18:58

It's really hard having a baby especially the first one.

I was knocked for six after a loooooong labour and an emergency C-section. Follow this up with an endless stream of visitors and the telephone constantly ringing day in day out for three months, I was pretty miserable even though I loved the very bones of DS instantly.

I wish it had been different. But it wasn't. It's fine now though and I'm enjoying parenthood mostly. And with my next baby, at least I have some idea of the chaos that I can expect. Perhaps it'll be different this time though.

I enjoyed reading about those mums who loved every minute of their time with their new babies. Lucky souls. I guess we're all made differently.

I too don't understand the madness that comes over some women around newborn babies. It can be hilarious to watch and sometimes a little disturbing when the poor new mum is trying to fend off all those wanting a piece of her baby! But I don't really like being made to feel that there's something wrong with me because I don't go bonkers and start slavering when there's one in the same room as me like some women.

strongteabag · 27/02/2007 19:15

I loved the newborn stage with all 3 of mine. It's tiring and emotional but I just love having a little baby. What I mean is that I adore the baby stage but the hard bits that come with it are not so good. It's when they start answering back it gets tough for me, cos I am no longer in control of them!

morningpaper · 27/02/2007 19:20

I didn't hate DP at all but the rest I agree with.

I REALLY found the first year with both of mine VERY STRESSFUL. They were both babies that you COULD NOT put down. Ever. I would be surprised if there are many parents of UnPutDownable Babies who really got much pleasure out of the newborn stage.

sunnyjim · 27/02/2007 19:23

maybe thats it, I hate the feeling of being responsible for (in control of) any other human being. I'm very independant and the flip side of that is that I fully take responsibility for myself but don't want anyone else to deal with thanks very much.

I do take care fo DS and actually have changed alot in my life to shoulder that responsibilty, I just didn't expect it to be this hard.

I wish I could say I had a wild party filled but ultimatly empty life before and so he has made it more meaningful, unfortunatly DH and I travelled, studied and worked and enjoyed every minute of it.

NadineBaggott · 27/02/2007 19:28

oh no, don't agree at all.

I'm not a person who coos over babies at all but I was blown away by my own! Sure it was tiring and tough but highly rewarding. I was knackered but very happy.

Jimjams2 · 27/02/2007 19:40

Thanks scummy - you're giving me hope

mears · 27/02/2007 19:42

I absolutely loved having a new baby. Yes I was tired but I still loved it. For me the hardest part was when they turned into demanding toddlers! All down hill from there. I think that was why I kep on having new babies - they kept me sane

Enid · 27/02/2007 19:44

sunnyjim - what a shame

you are really missing something