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Original poster

Struggling to cope with the fact I'm going to be apart from my toddler...

166 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 09/10/2016 21:20

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what I'm looking for from this post, just some reassurance or kind words because I'm starting to feel very anxious.

My wonderful DS is 2.5 years old and next week my DH is taking him abroad for seven days (to Spain) whilst I stay at home. DH first suggested this a few months ago and my initial reaction was to just burst into tears. I couldn't bear the thought of being so far away from DS.

Anyway, we talked and talked about it to the point DH booked the holiday and I was fine about it but over the last few days I've been in tears at the thought of being separated from him for so long and him being so far away. I get a feeling of dread in my stomach whenever I think of them leaving.

DS is very close to me, a definite "mummy's boy" as the saying goes and whenever he's hurt, poorly or upset it's me he wants. When he wakes up in the middle of the night it is me he cries for and I can't stop worrying about how the separation will affect him.

Since he's been born the longest I've been away from him for is 48 hours and it made me so upset, I just missed him so much.

Yesterday I had thoughts of actually telling DH I had changed my mind and that they couldn't go. If I'm honest, I'm still scared that between now and the weekend I'm going to crack and ask DH to stay.

Is this amount of dread normal?

Has anyone else spent a long time away from your toddler and coped? I'm pretty sure that DS will be fine and I'm letting my brain run away from me with crazy and irrational thoughts.....

OP posts:
RozzlePops · 09/10/2016 21:24

Does DH know how you feel? Why can't you all go away together?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/10/2016 21:28

We are all going away together in April - this was a last minute idea of his because he had a week off work which I can't get off. He's says he's doing it to give me a break and he's so, so excited. He's all "Boys on Tour" and has booked trips for them to go on.

My DH knows I'm going to miss DS ridiculous amounts and I have pre-warned him that I'm likely to have an emotional breakdown when they leave for the airport.

I know they will have a lovely time but I'm really struggling at the thought of DS being so far away from me.

OP posts:
nobodyputsbabyinthecornor · 09/10/2016 21:38

I would feel exactly the same but I am sure the thought of it is the worst part. Keep yourself busy all week, meet up with friends after work and do make the most of the peace and quite . They will be back before you know it. You can speak to him on the phone everyday and your husband can send you loads of pictures and videos of what they get up too . You are worried your little man will be fretting after you but he will understand that daddy will have to do for the week! He will have a great a time and just think of his little happy face when he sees you when he arrives home and the big massive cuddle you will get xx

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Soubriquet · 09/10/2016 21:40

Honestly?

No that amount of dread is not normal. It's normal to be upset you won't see him for a week, but dreading it and considering asking him to cancel, no.

Marmalade85 · 09/10/2016 21:51

I don't see why your husband wants to upset you so much. Why can't he just take your son out on days trips or a few days away at the grandparents?

Soubriquet · 09/10/2016 21:53

And why can't he take HIS son on holiday.

The OP has forgotten to mention she took him on holiday without her Dh too

SoTheySentMeA · 09/10/2016 22:01

Where does she say she took DS away without DH? Have I missed something?

OP keep reminding yourself how much DS will love being with Daddy. And plan lots of stuff for yourself for while they're away.

Wilberforce2 · 09/10/2016 22:03

I would be exactly the same and not just with my toddler (2.5) but also with my 8 year old!

FlowersFlowers

Soubriquet · 09/10/2016 22:04

She had a big thread about it a while ago. She was initially going to refuse before being persuaded that she had her holiday, now it's his turn.

Rozdeek · 09/10/2016 22:04

He can take my 7 mo away too if he likes!

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/10/2016 22:25

As soub was making reference to it, me and DS are going to Skegness for four days once they're back from Barcelona. We are going with my sister's children.

I have no qualms with DS being with DH, he's a fantastic father, I'm just really struggling with the thought of him being so far away.

roxdeek - I will suggest it to him... Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/10/2016 22:28

marmalade - my DH is doing it to a) give me a break and b) so they can have some quality time together. His intentions are lovely, (I'm not sure I'd want a week abroad with a toddler on my own) but I'm just really going to miss DS. The house is going to seem very empty.

OP posts:
Mollymoo78 · 10/10/2016 01:22

Tell him not to go. I would have felt the same and you're going to feel dreadful. If it's supposed to be for your benefit and you're upset then there's no point in the holiday.

puglife15 · 10/10/2016 02:18

I wouldn't have agreed to this tbh and my ds has an amazing relationship with his dad.

He's only 2, not old enough to understand what's happening. He won't remember the trip and it could upset him being away from his primary caregiver for a full week.

Sorry that probably doesn't help, but I would probably feel the same as you OP.

However as you've agreed to it I think it would be really unfair to say no at such a late stage. Can you go for part of the week eg take two days off work so you're not there for only 3 days?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 10/10/2016 05:55

I only work three days a week (shift work) so two have two days off would practically be asking for the week off which they can't facilitate.

Although I suppose I am the primary caregiver my DH is very hands on as due to my shifts my DH does dinner, bath and bedtime three nights a week, he does all the nursery drop-offs and pick-ups and for two weekends a month he's home alone with DS both days as I'm not there for 48 hours because of work.

My DH has said that if at any point he thinks DS is struggling with the separation then he will just get an earlier flight home.

I know I can't stop them going now, my DH is really looking forward to it, but I feel like I'm fighting all my natural urges to just grab DS and keep him with me.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 10/10/2016 06:26

At this age I was divorced and my kids had to spend a month with their father. Court sanctioned and shit all I could do about it. For 1000s of parents this is normal. Big girl pants. No ones dead. Get a grip and get counseling if this is really such a big deal that it merits 2 threads. And for fuck sake don't pass your baggage onto your kid.

3yearsnosleep · 10/10/2016 06:32

I think it will be very upsetting for your DS to be away from his mum for such a long time. I took my DD away with grandparents for a week when she was 2.5 for the same reasons, time off work, break etc. and she really missed her daddy and couldn't understand why he wasn't there. She constantly asked about him wanted to see him and it upset me that I'd taken her away from him. I felt very guilty and it ruined it a bit. Call me a hypocrite but there's absolutely no way I'd let him take her away from me for longer than a night, two at a push.

Stardustlady · 10/10/2016 06:33

Completely normal to feel this way OP, I'd be the same. Very difficult - is there no way you could go too? So sorry you're feeling like this x

usernumber007 · 10/10/2016 06:38

I remember your original post when dh suggested it!
Sadness and anxiety is normal but I think the amount of dread you are describing is not. It doesn't sound healthy to be so attached to your child. By the sounds of it a week apart might actually do you some good to be separated for a week.
Just make sure you FaceTime/Skype etc. He will be fine and he will have some lovely time bonding with daddy.
Fwiw, my boys are very much mummy's boys in the sense it's always me they turn to when upset, hurt etc but that's normal. They still have a fantastic time with their dad and love him to pieces and when I'm not there of course they turn to him for comfort.
Enjoy your child free week

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 10/10/2016 06:41

I agree with them asking where their other parent is as my DH goes abroad about three times a year with work (for between 7-10 days at a time) and after a few days DS does start asking after his daddy, wanting to know where he is and getting all excited when he hears a knock at the front door because he thinks it's his dad and then being disappointed when it's not.

However, I'm kind of hoping he only does that because we're at home and he's used to my DH's presence therefore is very aware that daddy isn't there, and that when they're in Spain together because he's somewhere new he won't be affected so much by the fact I'm not there. I think I'm grasping at straws....

Although DS does start asking after his dad when he's away he's always used to there being long periods (a week plus) where daddy isn't at home whereas he's never been away from me for any longer than 48 hours.

It's the distance that bothers me really, far more than the idea of separation does - Spain seems a very long way away in my mind right now....

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 10/10/2016 06:43

usernumber - DS had been a nightmare overnight, waking up for long periods, grizzling, not going back to sleep etc and now I'm my tired haze the thought of a "Child Free Week" is seeming much more alluring.....

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 10/10/2016 06:48

If you only do 3 shifts a week, could you not go and join them, even for 2 days?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 10/10/2016 06:55

My pattern is work, two days off, work, two days off and then work again so the maximum time I would be able to go for would only be one night anyway and I can't really justify/afford flight costs just for that.

I did try and swap some of my shifts around so I could have 3/4 days off in a row but due to staff numbers and skill mix it just couldn't be accommodated.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 10/10/2016 07:02

In my opinion your reaction is a bit extreme, yes I can understand missing your child but not to such an extent, it is wonderful that he has such a good relationship with his father when so many children don't.

I think you do sound a little over invested in your child, surely you will enjoy the opportunity to relax and do something for yourself? I have a friend like you and she just can't detach from her role as 'mother' - even now when her children are in their mid 20s - it's really quite suffocating.

puglife15 · 10/10/2016 07:13

Ragwort I would happily detach for a night or two, but a week in a foreign country is quite different IMO.

OP. While I think you will ultimately be fine i think your reaction is instinctive and not OTT. On a primal level at this age we would usually be BFing still and not away from our DC at night.

Fortunately we have rational parts of our brain with which we can override the primal part.

Do you have someone sympathetic you could talk to (not dh) if you are missing him that would probably help calm your anxiety without worrying him or your DS?