Struggling to cope with the fact I'm going to be apart from my toddler...

[Writerwannabe83]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what I'm looking for from this post, just some reassurance or kind words because I'm starting to feel very anxious.

My wonderful DS is 2.5 years old and next week my DH is taking him abroad for seven days (to Spain) whilst I stay at home. DH first suggested this a few months ago and my initial reaction was to just burst into tears. I couldn't bear the thought of being so far away from DS.

Anyway, we talked and talked about it to the point DH booked the holiday and I was fine about it but over the last few days I've been in tears at the thought of being separated from him for so long and him being so far away. I get a feeling of dread in my stomach whenever I think of them leaving.

DS is very close to me, a definite "mummy's boy" as the saying goes and whenever he's hurt, poorly or upset it's me he wants. When he wakes up in the middle of the night it is me he cries for and I can't stop worrying about how the separation will affect him.

Since he's been born the longest I've been away from him for is 48 hours and it made me so upset, I just missed him so much.

Yesterday I had thoughts of actually telling DH I had changed my mind and that they couldn't go. If I'm honest, I'm still scared that between now and the weekend I'm going to crack and ask DH to stay.

Is this amount of dread normal?

Has anyone else spent a long time away from your toddler and coped? I'm pretty sure that DS will be fine and I'm letting my brain run away from me with crazy and irrational thoughts.....

How do you have more time with your son? I'm assuming you both work the same number of hours? So therefore you are at home the same number of hours? Is your partner out for a full 13 hours when you are at home? I very much doubt it. Primary carer isn't just about who does the shopping, it's about who is responsible for childcare in an emergency - as a nurse I am not contactable during my shift, except in severe emergencies. I certainly cannot ring in if my child is sick! It's about other things besides who has more full days off. Im completely accepting that my partner is the primary carer due to the nature of my job. And I wouldn't want it any other way, my job is probably the most dangerous job a nurse can do. Fostering healthy relationships, whatever that may look like, is the key to good joint parenting. I'd be more than happy for my partner to take my child away, and he does, and has done since child was 6 months old!

My DH is out for about 10 hours when he's at work.

Yes we do work the same amount of hours but I get to spend more quality time with DS as I'm home full time four days a week whereas DH is only at home full time for two days a week.

Me and DH try to split the times that we need off if DS is ill and can't go to nursery or if nursery phone to say that he needs collecting. More often than not though I try and pick up the slack in this area because I have the flexibility to swap shifts with colleagues to enable me to have the time off whereas DH can't do that.

I have always found it odd though that whenever nursery needs to talk to a parent about something, trips out, photographs, accidents and any other kind of 'practical' thing they always ring me on my day off to discuss it even though they see my DH at every drop off and pick up.

Whenever DS is unwell and needs collecting, or they want to give him some medicine, or they need to ask something they will always ring me at work before they'd ring Ben despite probably having only met me about 10 times in 5 months compared to seeing my DH twice a week.

I have always wondered whether they do it because they instinctively see the mother as the one who makes all decisions or is more responsible for the child? Obviously both of these attitudes are wrong but it's always struck me as odd that despite hardly knowing me I'm always there first port of call and they completely bypass my DH when they could far more easily have conversations with him.

But you are being incredibly defensive.

Why do you think I that is?

Is it because you are worried you're not a "proper mother" if you're not with your child 24/7. Or that you will be perceived by others as not a proper mother.

Your ds will have a smashing time with his dad. Your DH will be great at caring for him. You really need to have a long think about why yuh feel so so strongly about one week of time apart

They ring you because your name must be the first name on the emergency contact sheet. Nothing more mysterious than that.

Nursery used to do that until I started my job. I told them very clearly, I am not contactable directly by phone, they would need to ring reception and then a radio call would go out for me. Then I would need to find a phone capable of ringing external numbers, ring them back, seek permission to leave by manager then try and get out of the building, which sometimes can take hours. Sometimes I can't leave at all, the entrance is sealed off. When I put it to them like that, they began ringing my partners mobile!

bitoutofpractice the only numbered emergency contacts they have is my FIL, my dad and then my mom. Mine and DHs contact details are just jointly at the top of the page.

And God No I'm not worried about not being a proper mother because I'm not at home 24/7, I actually went back to work earlier than planned after maternity because I was desperate to go back. Technically I could reduce d my hours to spend more time with DS but I don't want to, I think I've got a lovely split between work life and home life.

When I was pregnant I worked in a 9-5 job, four days a week, but I changed my job to my current one as I wanted to spend more time with DS than that job would have allowed but apart from that, being a 24/7 mother does not appeal at all

I think you need to try and look at this as an opportunity for DS & DH to have a great time. Of course you will miss them but in the great scheme of things, it's just a week. It will pass by, you'll all learn things about yourselves and then life will go back to normal.

Stop building it up in your mind and willing yourself to be heartbroken. You're already expecting to be too distraught to take them to the airport & predicting a huge meltdown when they are gone. This is all very dramatic and unnecessary. Surely it would be much nicer for DS to wave goodbye to his Mum, cheerfully wishing him a great holiday?

Think of a list of things you can do to keep yourself busy all week while they are gone. Not chores, nice things. And I say all this as someone whose DH takes both DC off to FILs overseas for a week at least once a year.

I've tried to fill my week brulee in that I've got a lunch planned with an old friend I haven't seen for ages, some beauty treatments booked and a girlie night in with movies and pizza with 3 of my best friends. I've even bought myself a new book to read in the bath: I can't remember the last time I read a book or had an uninterrupted bath. I know there are going to be lots of positives for me I'm just going to find it hard not seeing DS for so long. You're right though, it's just a week and my DH manages to spend that much time away a few times a year and survives so there's no reason why I won't.

I just need to stop building it up in my head and just go with the flow I think.

OP, I too would be dreading such a week apart from my DS (2.5). And I have taken him away for a week THREE times since he was born and I didn't especially worry whether DH was going to miss him then. You still need to let him go - no doubt the Boys on Tour thing will be an enormous success, and they will have a blast. My DH and DS need such a bonding time actually, it is a good idea.

And a few times during that week when you are snuggled up with a morning cappuccino in bed, you will feel quite pleased, I'm sure!

I also wouldn't go to airport - no way I am watching my little boy's vulnerable little baseball cap disappear through security. Stay home and ball all you like. Nothing weird or overinvested about that at all.

I also think it is perfectly ok to be defensive about being the primary caregiver! Jeez, everyone's situation is different and it is quite clear you ARE the primary caregiver and I would be bloody insulted if anyone suggested otherwise. My DH and I both work full-time AND we have a live-in nanny and I am STILL the primary caregiver for our DS! For a 1000 reasons (like the ones you gave above). Every single plan and decision related to my DS's life is made by me, and everyone else just implements what I have defined. I am the CEO of my DS, he absolutely knows it, he prioritises me over anyone else, we are far and away the most bonded, it is very hard work, and I wouldn't change it for the world. If someone said I wasn't his primary caregiver because I don't drop him at nursery every morning I would punch their lights out. You were positively restrained.

You are doing a brilliant job. As you are going to stop BF maybe use the week off to get really plastered every night? Hangovers with toddler are horrible aren't they?

Thanks for your support LH

Unfortunately for health reasons getting drunk is not a possibility - I've only had a maximum of ten glasses of wine in the last 3 years

I was talking to DS tonight about him and daddy going on an airplane and going on holiday whilst mommy is at work and he kept saying, "No not me and daddy, mommy come too" and when I explained I had to stay at home he told me he was going to stay at home too.

I know his understanding is limited due to his age but he knows what it means to be apart from one of us. It's bad enough when he asks me not to go to work in the morning and stay home with him instead and if I ring him from work all he keeps saying is, "When you coming home mommy?"

DH has talked about us ringing each other and using Skype etc but I'm worried that will make things worse.

I am however feeling more positive after this thread and focusing more on the benefits of a week on my own as opposed to obsessing over how much I'm going to miss DS.

I would have absolute hated that. DD is 6 and I don't think I'd be that keen now. But a week? Abroad? At aged 2? I don't blame you at all for dreading it. 2 or 3 days in the UK would have been just about alright. Maybe.

I would dread it too. I'd miss him - and DH - so much!!

river - I tried to get DH to compromise to them having a week away in the UK so at least DS was in the same Country as me but no such luck.

I'm more concerned how DH is going to cope with looking after DS on his own 24/7 for a whole week. The longest time he's ever been alone with DS is 48 hours and I think he's going to get a wake up call regarding how much hard work and draining toddlers can be

DH has said that he and DS should go away together for a week every year to give me a break but I'm not sure he will be saying the same thing following this trip

Bibs - I won't miss DH as his work means he's away for 7-10 days at a time about three times a year, so I'm used to being apart from him and I love having a sport-free and tidy house during those times

My 3 year old went away for 5 days with his dad and he became very clingy to DH who said it was clear he missed me a lot snd was very ready to come home. He could tell he was unsettled.

I have yo be honest I would not be comfortable with such a long time away from my own 2 year old and I do think a primary caregiver exists. My little girl loves her dad but she is much much more attached to me.

Can't uou change the flight or go out and meet them ?

I can't go out there waterrat as I'm working. It's even harder as I'm going to London tomorrow for two days (for work) and so I will only get Friday with DS before they leave at 7.30am on Saturday morning. It's just bad timing all round.

My DH has said that if DS really struggles then he will just come home early which I do believe he would.

I have to just keep telling myself that it's only a week which is nothing in the huge scheme of things.

A year ago my friend's DS, aged 14 months, died in a car crash and I just think to myself how she'll never see her DS again so how can I be so wound up at the thought of not seeing my DS for just a week?

I'm trying to let logic and perspective dictate my feelings as a week apart won't do any harm even though I am going to hate it.

I did however buy a book today as prior to DS I absolutely loved to read and I don't think I've had the chance to read a single book since he was born so that's one of my aims in his absence

Ok, you know what I meant op. Yours must be the first contact name.

I don't think your reaction is extreme at all - he's still only little and you are bonded to him - perhaps the people saying it's an extreme reaction don't have kids or aren't as connected to them.
When they are so young there IS a difference between the parent the child has formed its primary attachment with (in this case you) and the secondary parent. This isn't sexist as either patent could hVe been the one to form that key attachment with initially.
I wouldn't have agreed to it personally. I think you can ask them not to go if you think your DC will be upset at all.
IMO you have a strange marriage though holidaying so separately. If my DH had a week off and not me he's prob stay at home anddp day trips with the kids or a short solo trip.

It will feel strange to be away from your DS and DH for a week, but you know deep down that they will have a great time. Your DH does a lots more childcare than many fathers. Yes, a whole week with each other without you may be harder than your DH realises, but it will be fine.
Try to enjoy your time to yourself. Great that you have some fun stuff planned. I'm sure the thought of it will be much worse than the reality
You must let us know how it all goes. My bet is that you'll feel rested by the end of the week and be wanting them to do the same next year!!

As I said on the previous thread about this, no I wouldn't have liked it either. But you have set yourself up for this because you take your DS away yourself.

I hope the week passes quickly for you, and that your DS and DH have a good time.

strawberry - this trip for them is the first time we've holidayed separately, all other holidays have obviously been done as a family. It purely was just a case of DH having the week off and saying, "Why don't I take DS away for a week to give you a break?"

My DH is a teacher so has set weeks when he's off, hence why our weeks off work don't always match up in terms of annual leave. I work with about 30 people and we all fight for half terms off which have to be shared out fairly so that means unfortunately I can't always get the same weeks off that my DH does and vice versa

then I think you just have to grin and bear it and ask OH to bring him home if he's upset without you. I wouldn't do it myself but there must have been a reason you said yes initially... you always just say to oh to go on his own and you keep DS for the week - not much rest for you though - in fact the opposite!

Ps teacher fixed holidays a pain! I do sympathise...

It will be good for all of you. DS will have a blast as his dad has planned lots of fun stuff for him. DH will get to bond with his son and will also get to experience the full-on 24/7. You'll get some time off and will also get to see that DH can cope just fine (which is a good thing for you in the long term).

I think it will be wonderful for ds and his relationship with his father.

I fact, you dh may have suggested it becasue you don't let him get a relationship with ds as you sound pretty overwhelming.

Of course you will miss him, but really your reaction is quite extreme.

Wave them off smiling (don't let ds see you in floods of tears)
Plan something for yourself that you can't do with ds around.
Look forward to him coming home.

Promise yourself you will NOT bombard them with texts etc.