Struggling to cope with the fact I'm going to be apart from my toddler...

[Writerwannabe83]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what I'm looking for from this post, just some reassurance or kind words because I'm starting to feel very anxious.

My wonderful DS is 2.5 years old and next week my DH is taking him abroad for seven days (to Spain) whilst I stay at home. DH first suggested this a few months ago and my initial reaction was to just burst into tears. I couldn't bear the thought of being so far away from DS.

Anyway, we talked and talked about it to the point DH booked the holiday and I was fine about it but over the last few days I've been in tears at the thought of being separated from him for so long and him being so far away. I get a feeling of dread in my stomach whenever I think of them leaving.

DS is very close to me, a definite "mummy's boy" as the saying goes and whenever he's hurt, poorly or upset it's me he wants. When he wakes up in the middle of the night it is me he cries for and I can't stop worrying about how the separation will affect him.

Since he's been born the longest I've been away from him for is 48 hours and it made me so upset, I just missed him so much.

Yesterday I had thoughts of actually telling DH I had changed my mind and that they couldn't go. If I'm honest, I'm still scared that between now and the weekend I'm going to crack and ask DH to stay.

Is this amount of dread normal?

Has anyone else spent a long time away from your toddler and coped? I'm pretty sure that DS will be fine and I'm letting my brain run away from me with crazy and irrational thoughts.....

Writer - I really do think the first time is the worst. Trust me, in later years, you will be incredibly grateful of a strong bond for your DS with both parents. It makes life a lot easier.

I also think the ending BF thing might be affecting you more than you realise. That's a very emotional thing.

I also think the ending BF thing might be affecting you more than you realise. That's a very emotional thing.

I think you're probably right

And hormonal too... your body goes through changes again.

Aw OP, you've made me feel all sad for you. Is there any way carrying on pumping whilst DS is gone and resuming BF for a short while when he's back might make it a bit easier? Delaying the end of BF might make the trip seem more bearable - ending BF is really emotional because it is the end of a really special phase in your DS's little life. I think that's getting all mixed up with the trip - so could you separate them out?

I'm currently away from DS as I'm in London, on a two day breast feeding course actually, and I'm lying on my bed in tears because I feel so far away from him, it's horrible. I rang home to speak to him and he chatted away to me about Paw Patrol and bumble bees and I honestly don't think I can do it. I know it sounds pathetic or that some posters think I'm being completely OTT and controlling but I really don't think I can be so far away from him for so long.

I'm my head I'm trying to formulate plans in terms of childcare whilst I'm at work so that DS can stay with me. I literally feel on the brink of calling DH and saying I don't want them to go. I'm just so upset.

I don't think you're being controlling. I know I couldn't do it. Not a week abroad.

I only bf dd for 10 months, at which point she rejected all milk except her bedtime ff (still struggle to get milk down her!). I swear my hormones went into over drive, far worse than when I stopped bf ds. Broody is not even the word, tearful, wistful.....I was a bit of a sad case tbh! I think it was worse because it wasn't my decision to stop, fair enough it was hers but I was still very tearful.

How do you think your dh would react?

I don't understand - your a family, why not just go on holiday together? why would you all want to be apart?

I've explains it already not about why I can't go with them relating to his job/my job/half term allowances etc

This situation of him being off and me not isn't ideal and it has arisen by circumstance not by choice

I honestly don't think my DH would mind, or be surprised at all if I asked him not to take DS with him as he knows how much I'm struggling with it all and I think he'd relish a week in Barcelona on his own.

I don't know if this is just a wobble or whether I'm genuinely not going to be able to let DS go. My head is all over the place.

Rtft- op has to work at half term but her dh is a teacher so has it off.

Well I phoned DH and poured everything out, all my worries, anxieties and amid my upset I confessed that I really don't think I will be ok DS being so far away from me for a week.

DH was brilliant, so understanding and said he completely understood.

I told him that I wasn't sure if I was just having a wobble because of the content of my training course today (the attachment between a BF mother and their child) or whether I genuinely, genuinely didn't want DS to go. I said I was really confused about how I felt.

We agreed that I would sleep on it and discuss it further tomorrow when I'm back at home.

All I know is that even when I'm only away from him for 48 hours and a 20 minute drive away I miss him so much. I'm currently in London (two hours away from home) and I feel like I'm missing part of me. All I want to do is be able to creep into his room and look at him cuddled up in his cot with his favourite rabbit and I hate the fact that I can't because I'm here instead.

If I find the above difficult enough then I don't see how I can cope with him being in a whole other country for a week.

I hate feeling confused about it. I think I've been in denial over the last month or so, convincing myself that I would be fine and that although I'd miss him I would be ok but now that their departure date is looming I'm having to deal with my true feelings.

OP - I'm a teacher so I have hols when my DH doesn't. My family are in Ireland and we live in England.
Up until my third child was born 6 months ago I regularly took the older two (now 2.5 & 4.5) for 4-7 days to Ireland in half terms and had been doing since our eldest was about 5 months.

The children always miss their Dad and so do I but they get so much from it that its worth it. I don't think I'll be trying it for a couple of years again as it won't be manageable to travel with 3 and feel a bit sad about that, as although my immediate family will come over to us more often instead the children will only get to visit everyone in Ireland 3 times a year. Understandably we don't want to use all of DHs annual leave at my mums house!!! .

My DH always enjoyed the peace and full nights sleeps but also misses us all a lot too. Skype, phonecalls and frequent photo/video updates help.

I know the reason for the hol is slightly different I just wanted to give you this perspective. Honestly i think your son will be fine, yes he'll miss you a lot and a week is a long time but he'll enjoy it too as will your DH. You will miss them too but it won't be as bad as you think.
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Your DH sounds lovely (as do you!). It's great that you're communicating. Could they change the plans and go for a shorter time, e.g. Sat - Tues?

I am quite happy to spend 2-4 nights away from my children but when DH suggested taking them away for a week (another half term situation) I baulked. Half a week I could cope with, so if a week feels long to me it must feel like it'd be forever to you.

I'm sorry you're feeling anxious still but I do think you need to grasp the nettle here. Surely you recognise that it's selfish to deny your son the chance to spend this special time with his Dad and this step towards independence because of your own anxieties. Yes, he'll miss you a bit but he'll be fine and so will you and he'll have a lot more fun than he would being in childcare while you're at work.

I say this as a mum with a dd the same age. Sometimes it's hard to let go but it's lovely to see them building their own relationships and growing in confidence as they do things without you.

Thank you for some more rational replies

I've woken up this morning and actually feel a lot better. I think off loading to DH last night was the release I needed because I've had all these doubts and worries hidden away that have just snowballed and intensified because I felt like I couldn't express them but now that I have I feel like a huge weight is off my shoulders. Maybe I just needed to let it all out, have that release and it's been quite cathartic.

I keep re-reading this thread on purpose because the majority of the posts are sympathetic but also logical so I find they keep me sane and calm me down.

I've spoken to DH again this morning, apologised for my melt down (although he said that I didn't have to) and said that I really think they should go. He laughed, told me I needed to make up my mind, but that we'd speak about it tonight because he needs to see my facial expression whenI say "Have your holiday, I will be fine" before he actually believe me

That sounds like a great idea your DH had, wanting to see your facial expression. I think you need to feel less panicky about him taking your DS on holiday, if you keep feeling so anxious about it, then ask your DH to stay or, if you manage to get childcare , leave DS with you. Personally, I would never consent to my DP taking DS away for a week at that age, but I think it's irrelevant what other parents would do in your situation. The only thing that's relevant are your feelings, and if you feel you can't cope with the distance, then I don't see why you should feel obliged to let them go to Spain just because other parents would do so. I don't think it's possible to judge from your posts if you are too attached to your DS, you can only judge that in RL IMO. But if you are too attached to him, which definitely isn't healthy, taking him abroad for a week seems a bit of an extreme way to counter that and encourage bonding with his dad. Surely a couple of days in the UK would be okay for a beginning!

Your DH sounds lovely. So do you. I really hope you have a great week, both of you. Have you plenty of nice things in the diary? Even if they are just things like reading that book that you just haven't found time to read, I find time apart from my DD is most valued when I use it to do things that I just can't do when she's around.

I've got something planned for everyday.

They leave on Saturday and I'm just going to have a nice day alone.

On Sunday I'm working for 13 hours so will be distracted.

On Monday I'm having lunch with a friend I haven't seen in ages.

On Tuesday I'm having a girly pizza/film night with 3 of my closest friend.

I'm Wednesday I'm working again.

On Thursday I've got some beauty treatments booked

On Friday I'm spending some quality time with my sister.

On Saturday I'm working until 3pm and then I am going home ready for DS and DH to arrive back at 5pm.

I also plan on having lie-ins and lots of hot bubble baths. I've got a book to read too

That sounds like a really lovely week and a great way to recharge. I'm .

I'm jealous of your week, it sounds lovely!

I've spoken to my dad about it too and he said he completely understands why I would be nervous but I should remember that DH is a brilliant dad (which he is) and that everything will be fine.

I need to emotionally detach myself from it I think and just let it happen.

I think it's very good of you to support your dh doing this. It must be so hard. At the same time what an engaged dad - lucky boy.

I wouldn't be able to do it personally and don't think there is anything remotely odd about how you feel.

Your dh should be prepared to bail early if it's causing either of you too much anxiety. Especially ds. You can do the right thing at the wrong time and flexibility (responding to what you see in front of you rather than crusading through with what's on your own agenda) is the key to committed responsive parenting IMO.

You can do the right thing at the wrong time and flexibility (responding to what you see in front of you rather than crusading through with what's on your own agenda) is the key to committed responsive parenting IMO.

Absolutely 100% agree.

DH knows how attached DS is to me and I know that if us being apart starts to cause DS upset stress DH will recognise this and act on it by bringing him home. I know DH won't keep DS there if he's unhappy and I'm holding on to that.

Well I am back from London and we've chatted about it a lot and despite my reassurances DH has said he doesn't think it's right to go as he doesn't think either I or DS are ready for it.

I keep telling him that of course I will miss DS but that isn't a good enough reason to stop the holiday from going ahead but DH isn't in agreement.

We are now stuck as to where we go from here.

Hmmmm, I understand BOTH your positions. My DH would probably be like your DH and want to avoid a huge drama during what is meant to be a happy experience for everyone.

However I am here to support you, and I suspect that you now fear feeling guilty and regretful when departure day arrives and they DON'T go because mummy wasn't happy. Perhaps you feel that them going is now the lesser of two evils?

I would probably get in a huge snit and insist that they go. I'm not always the best at dealing with things