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Original poster

Struggling to cope with the fact I'm going to be apart from my toddler...

166 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 09/10/2016 21:20

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what I'm looking for from this post, just some reassurance or kind words because I'm starting to feel very anxious.

My wonderful DS is 2.5 years old and next week my DH is taking him abroad for seven days (to Spain) whilst I stay at home. DH first suggested this a few months ago and my initial reaction was to just burst into tears. I couldn't bear the thought of being so far away from DS.

Anyway, we talked and talked about it to the point DH booked the holiday and I was fine about it but over the last few days I've been in tears at the thought of being separated from him for so long and him being so far away. I get a feeling of dread in my stomach whenever I think of them leaving.

DS is very close to me, a definite "mummy's boy" as the saying goes and whenever he's hurt, poorly or upset it's me he wants. When he wakes up in the middle of the night it is me he cries for and I can't stop worrying about how the separation will affect him.

Since he's been born the longest I've been away from him for is 48 hours and it made me so upset, I just missed him so much.

Yesterday I had thoughts of actually telling DH I had changed my mind and that they couldn't go. If I'm honest, I'm still scared that between now and the weekend I'm going to crack and ask DH to stay.

Is this amount of dread normal?

Has anyone else spent a long time away from your toddler and coped? I'm pretty sure that DS will be fine and I'm letting my brain run away from me with crazy and irrational thoughts.....

OP posts:
NickyEds · 10/10/2016 07:16

It doesn't sound healthy to be so attached to your child I'm assuming that's a joke. Of course it's normal, her child is only 2 ffs. I would feel exactly the same but Tbh now you've agreed they can go I think you just have to make the best of it.

eurochick · 10/10/2016 07:21

I suspect the anticipation will be worse than the reality. I had to go away for work a few times when my baby was little. One week long trip when she was 19 months played on my mind for ages. Of course I missed her when I was away but to some extent I enjoyed the adult time and it wasn't as bad as I had built it up to be in my mind.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 10/10/2016 07:23

puglife - I am still BF which adds another layer of worry as its another form of comfort he won't have. However, I'm ready to stop BF'ing now and I'm hoping a week apart will be conducive to that and will be the first step to weaning him off it.

I was off loading to my sister about it and she said she'd never have let her DC's father take them abroad without her - he is a complete arsehole though so not really comparable.

Most of my colleagues are shocked that it's happening. At one point I had come to accept the holiday was happening and I felt positive about it but then my colleagues started being negative about it (comments like, "Are you mad?!") which put doubts back in my mind again.

Some of my friends think it's fantastic and I'm incredibly lucky and they'd give anything for a child free week.

I get so many mixed reactions to the set-up that it's hard to really figure out my own feelings about it.

OP posts:

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Rozdeek · 10/10/2016 07:25

Won't your milk dry up anyway if he's away for a week? Or will you pump?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 10/10/2016 07:28

I'm hoping it will dry up.

OP posts:
Footle · 10/10/2016 07:37

Let them go. They clearly have a fantastic relationship already , as I think you also have with your husband, and this will only strengthen it. Your son will remember that they did something special together , and I think you're special for letting it happen. You'll feel desolate for the first day and then you'll be counting down to when they come home. Don't let friends guilt you over this - it's a good thing to do, for all of you.

AidingAndAbetting · 10/10/2016 07:39

I think it's normal to be worried but I honestly think dread is a bit extreme.

I split from my DDs dad when she was 18 months. We had a contact order and so she spent 2 weeks away from me that summer and a week away every Easter and Christmas holiday as well. It was tough initially but you get through it by distracting yourself.

Your DS will be on a lovely holiday with his capable father. He will be fine - and so will you.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 10/10/2016 07:43

Let them go. Everything you've said suggests this will be fine for him. Dad knows how to settle him and cares for him lots without you already. If he can do 48 hours then he will be fine going a bit longer. Toddlers have little sense of time. He'll probably ask after you occasionally then get on with it.

Don't ruin this for your DS and DH. It sounds like a lovely opportunity for them. I'd start making some fun plans for yourself now so you have stuff to focus on and look forward to.

neonrainbow · 10/10/2016 07:47

I hope you don't have this emotional breakdown you say youre going to have, in front of your son at the airport.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 10/10/2016 07:52

neon - DH has known from the off-set that I'm not taking them to the airport because I think it would push me over the edge Grin Grin

My dad is taking them to the airport and I will have my breakdown once they've left Grin

OP posts:
leaveittothediva · 10/10/2016 07:56

It's totally OTT. You'll get a nice break from them, toddlers are bloody hard work, I loved getting a holiday away from mine at the time, didn't want to come back.....

FATEdestiny · 10/10/2016 07:56

DH and I are going away for a week in February (for my 40th) without the children. After more than a decade if dedicated SAHM parenting, I am ridiculously excited about going.

Our youngest will be 2y4m. Other dc will be 7, 11 and 12.

I might feel a bit weary that everything will be fine with the dc when we are away. But then i rememver that my MIL and Mum are quite capable of being loco-parents for a few days each .

I'm definately, definately not dreading it Grin

Somersetlady · 10/10/2016 07:57

Sorry have not read the full thread.

If your husband does that much already your DS will have a lovely week.

I think you need to get some help if I am honest.

I also think you need to be out of the house when they leave for the airport the only thing i can see wrong with it is that you are going to make a big drama cry and potentially upset your DS for your own selfish reasons.

It has a lasting effect. My Mil was like this (crying and asking bil not to go) everytime bil was returning to live in another country when he was in his twenties.

The poor guy used to dread coming home and did so less and less because of her and the drama when he came to leave.

I would sort yourself out now to help your son be happy and independent and think you sound like you have a wonderful husband.

Somersetlady · 10/10/2016 07:58

Apologies cross post

FATEdestiny · 10/10/2016 08:00

I will have my breakdown once they've left grin Grin

That from in your quote is quite telling.

Honestly I think you much of what you say is because you feel you "should" feel this.

Parents who are confident in the parenting of thier child do not feel threatened when thier child has an exciting life seperate to them.

FruitCider · 10/10/2016 08:03

Although I suppose I am the primary caregiver my DH is very hands on as due to my shifts my DH does dinner, bath and bedtime three nights a week, he does all the nursery drop-offs and pick-ups and for two weekends a month he's home alone with DS both days as I'm not there for 48 hours because of work.

Your work pattern is the same as mine. Are you a nurse? I hate to break it to you but we are not the primary carer, our partners are, because they do all of the childcare drop offs, they have the job that fits around the child and are at home with them for more time.

Evergreen17 · 10/10/2016 08:10

OP I see you are upset an anxious but for a second think about them. I think they will have a great time and it will be good for DH to bond and good for DS to be more independent from you. After all, one day he will go to school and maybe this 7 days of separation will be a good thing.
You probably havent had me time for those 2.5 years.
Anxiety is a terrible feeling, I know that. But rationally you know DH is a great dad and a nice little hol together will be lovely.
Make sure you have plans for the week, movie, friends. And it will be over!
Honestly I dont think families have to do everything together, we didnt and I go on hols without DH often. For me it is healthy (for me!) and it works.
Those that seem to be saying that "how can your DH upset you so much" well, this is not how anxiety works really. Sometimes other people would do things that are ok and you still get anxious about it. I think this can be a good thing OP, just please a day at a time

NapQueen · 10/10/2016 08:10

I think you need to think long and hard about whether you don't want ds to go because you need him near or because you think he will not have a good time because you aren't there.

Two entirely different things. It sounds to me like dh and DS are going to have an amazing time and probably it will have benefits inbthe long run - ds seems to need you specifically so hopefully he will become easier to be settled by dh.

It'll be hard. But don't stop the trip for your own needs.

Evergreen17 · 10/10/2016 08:15

OP try to download the Headspace app, it comes with 10 free sessions. I use it all the time for my anxiety and good before bed and early morning

Eolian · 10/10/2016 08:15

Normal to know you'll miss him, normal to be a bit anxious, but not normal to dread it like that tbh. Your decision should be based on the benefit to your son, not on your needs. And in your case, where your dh is very capable and does a lot with him anyway, you have much less reason to worry than many would.

Cathaka15 · 10/10/2016 08:17

Your Dh sounds great and very considerate.
What a special time for them.
It must be difficult for you but it's only a week.
You will be fine.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 10/10/2016 08:19

fruit - I wouldn't class DH as the primary care giver as I get a full 4 days a week with DS whereas DH only gets two full days. He may see DS every day between Monday and Friday but it's only for a maximum of three hours a day compared to my 13 hours.

I do most things with DS, buy his clothes, his toys, his books, spend time doing crafts and activities, taking him on days out, taking him to toddler groups, it's me who is up with him in the night, it's me that takes him to visit family, me who plans and prepares his meals, takes him to doctors and dentist appointments, takes him to buy his shoes and many more of the basic day-to-day tasks of being a parent.

I am a nurse but by a considerable amount I spend more time with DS than DH does and most things that incorporate 'giving care' fall to me purely because my shifts allow that.

Just because DH does nursery drop offs and picks up doesn't outweigh what I do - not that it's a competition - I just mean the majority of care giving is definitely provided by me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 10/10/2016 08:24

evergree - you're right, I never get get 'me time' especially in comparison to DH which is one of the reasons he wants to do it. He says he wants to give me a break as I seem permanently tired Smile

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 10/10/2016 08:33

Goodness me op that was a very defensive post about being the main caregiver! I think that speaks volumes.

Being apart from your ds for a week will not make you a bad mother, or stop ds loving you or anything like that.

TBH I think it's normal to be a bit worried about missing him. I think this level of anxiety is OTT.

What exactly is it that you're worried is going to happen?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 10/10/2016 08:38

Sorry, it really wasn't meant to be defensive - I just meant that being a care giver is a lot more than who takes the child to childcare and picks them up. I certainly don't take control over the things I listed, it's purely simply because I have more time with DS that I can do those things. I imagine if I worked Mon-Fri like my DH does then things would be much more equally split.

It isn't that I think anything in particular is going to happen it's just that it doesn't feel natural that I'm not going to be there to make sure he's kept safe and cared for despite knowing my DH can do both of those things.

OP posts: