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Original poster

Struggling to cope with the fact I'm going to be apart from my toddler...

166 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 09/10/2016 21:20

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what I'm looking for from this post, just some reassurance or kind words because I'm starting to feel very anxious.

My wonderful DS is 2.5 years old and next week my DH is taking him abroad for seven days (to Spain) whilst I stay at home. DH first suggested this a few months ago and my initial reaction was to just burst into tears. I couldn't bear the thought of being so far away from DS.

Anyway, we talked and talked about it to the point DH booked the holiday and I was fine about it but over the last few days I've been in tears at the thought of being separated from him for so long and him being so far away. I get a feeling of dread in my stomach whenever I think of them leaving.

DS is very close to me, a definite "mummy's boy" as the saying goes and whenever he's hurt, poorly or upset it's me he wants. When he wakes up in the middle of the night it is me he cries for and I can't stop worrying about how the separation will affect him.

Since he's been born the longest I've been away from him for is 48 hours and it made me so upset, I just missed him so much.

Yesterday I had thoughts of actually telling DH I had changed my mind and that they couldn't go. If I'm honest, I'm still scared that between now and the weekend I'm going to crack and ask DH to stay.

Is this amount of dread normal?

Has anyone else spent a long time away from your toddler and coped? I'm pretty sure that DS will be fine and I'm letting my brain run away from me with crazy and irrational thoughts.....

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 13/10/2016 20:28

I've told them to go and that seems to be the plan now.

I've told DH that although I'm really going to miss DS it's not going to kill me. Yes things may be hard for me for a few days but that's only natural and life will still go on. I've said its only 7 days, it's hardly a lifetime and that I will find a way to get through it. I said that if I was really 100% against it then I would be saying so and begging them not to go, but I'm not, I'm reassuring/encouraging DH to go so at the base of all my confused feelings I must be ok about them going.

We have agreed that I will speak to DS on the phone twice a day so he knows I haven't disappeared off the face of the earth and that has made me feel better.

I have acknowledged that neither of us know how I will react to the separation or how DS will but we can't use that as a reason to stop the holiday. We can't cancel it and base our decisions on 'what ifs'.

I'm not sure DH is completely on board with the decision to go, which isn't helping actually as what I need from him is reassurance and support, I need him to tell me that of course DS will be fine but instead he's basically saying the opposite. I need to feel like he's on board or I'm gong to feel like I'm making the wrong decision.

OP posts:
ToneDeafHamster · 13/10/2016 21:20

What percentage would you say you are against it?

Don't ignore your gut feeling on this one for the sake of feeling a bit guilty.

There will be plenty of opportunities for holidays when your DS is older.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 13/10/2016 21:29

Maybe 20% at this current time but it changes all the time...

I think I'm more worried about how DS will be without me there really. My worry about him is what's making me anxious as opposed to me being worried about how I will cope.

OP posts:

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puglife15 · 14/10/2016 12:53

I think I'd agree eith DH for them to go, and agree they'll come back early if any party isn't happy with it any longer.

Just be warned that sometimes speaking to them on the phone can make it worse/harder for the child who doesn't really understand.

Good luck

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 14/10/2016 21:05

DH is packing now and it's horrible. I've been in tears twice so far this evening Sad

OP posts:
LHReturns · 14/10/2016 21:32

So many hugs OP, I really think I would be the same way. I suspect tonight will be much worse then when you know they have arrived and your DS is happy.

Like Pug mentions above - when I left my DS home with his nanny (much adored) last month for 5 days for a family event in the US he became VERY distressed by seeing me on FaceTime. He is happy to see his Dad and Grandparents on FaceTime but NOT MUMMY. Caused him real upset.

If you DS feels the same way you might need to just hear reports from his Dad.

QueenJuggler · 15/10/2016 10:55

I'd agree with LH - when I was away from DD when she was little, she wasn't always in the right frame of mind to chat on FaceTime or Skype. Sometimes she was, and it was lovely - but other times she was either busy, or tired - and when she was tired, it always ended in tears. Your DH is going to have to manage how often and how you interact whilst they are away carefully.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 15/10/2016 11:19

It's been very difficult this morning.

We started packing last night and it really hit me that they were going and I just broke down in tears. I couldn't stop crying. I let him stay downstairs with me until really late because I couldn't bear to put him to bed because I knew it was going to be the last proper time I would have with him for ages.

When he eventually went to bed me and DH had a long talk and I told him that I just can't do it, that I can't cope with being away from DS for that long and I was so, so upset, crying, that we came to the agreement that they wouldn't go. DH said he couldn't bear to see me so upset and know it was because of something he was doing. When it sunk in that they were staying I was so happy, so relieved, it felt like weeks of worry completely evaporated.

However, I lay awake until about 2am just going over it all in my head, over and over again and I knew that me missing DS isn't a good enough reason to stop their holiday going ahead when DH had been looking forward to it so much.

When DH woke this morning I said that as much as it hurts and upsets me I still want them to go. I was upset again, tearful as we said our goodbyes and obviously I was in floods of tears when they left but I knew it wasn't right to stop them from going. I couldn't wave them off though, I couldn't bring myself to watch them drive off and have DS wave at me through the window.

My DH phoned me an hour or so ago to check I was ok and I got all tearful again but I reassured him that I would be ok with time. He then told me that DS was excited by being in the airport and he's also sent me some photos and DS looks really happy.

I still feel sad and pretty awful, upset and tearful but I know DH and DS will have a wonderful time. I just gave this sick feeling in my stomach but I'm hoping I will feel better over the next few days.

Meanwhile I'm off to the shop to buy shit loads of chocolate, I have wine in the fridge and I've decided to have a take-out for my tea tonight.

I will be ok, I'm just going to take it day by day.

OP posts:
Bibs2014 · 15/10/2016 13:16

Bless, I think I'd be the same! Shit loads of chocolate sounds good. Flowers

paap1975 · 15/10/2016 16:32

You should be very proud!

Soubriquet · 15/10/2016 16:35

Well done. I know it's hard but the worst is over now

QueenJuggler · 15/10/2016 17:04

chocolate wine and take-out sounds like a plan - don't forget your BF hormones will be going crazy, so be kind and indulgent to yourself.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 15/10/2016 17:10

So far I've eaten a whole Terry's Chocolate Orange, a massive bag of Spicy Nik-Nak crisps and some Maltesers. This isn't good.

DH sent me lots of photos of DS getting on to the plane and photos of him in his seat and he had the biggest smile on his face. DH has phoned me since they landed too and said DS loved the flight, he wasn't scared at all, which has made me feel much better as it was one of my biggest worries.

I declined talking to DS and said I only would if DH thought DS needed to I.e he was upset and asking after me etc because I don't want to remind DS that I'm not there.

I have decided to go and buy a breast pump to keep my supply going, over the last few days I've realised I'm not ready to stop yet even though I really thought I was.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 15/10/2016 17:13

You might find your son is though

Mishaps · 15/10/2016 17:15

It seems a bit bonkers to me - if your son was 7+ and there were things they could do together in a foreign country - places to visit etc. then it would make sense.

A 2.5 year old doesn't really relate to the idea of being on holiday. He is too young for this.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 15/10/2016 17:24

soubriquet - if he comes back and is disinterested and has self weaned etc then I'm perfectly happy to go along with that, but I don't want my milk supply to dry up and then he come home and want to breast feed but can't. I'll just pump once a day in his absence and see what naturally happens on his return.

OP posts:
QueenJuggler · 15/10/2016 17:32

Writer - I think that's a really sensible decision to continue pumping.

waterrat · 16/10/2016 10:23

OP when I read how much time your DH spends with your son I thought that your son will be absolutely fine . Yes he might get a bit funny and miss you on holiday but he clearly trusts and is very secure with his dad. He spends considetable time with his dad without uou already and that is what is so important .

Soubriquet · 16/10/2016 10:25

That's a fair comprise yes

Lilacpink40 · 16/10/2016 10:31

Try to keep busy. Take time to feel pain and then write lists of things to do and again be busy.

Jobs that are hard to complete with DC around. Painting, cleaning skirting boards, cleaning windows, watching 15 yr plus videos, eating choc spread on whatever, whenever.

Flingmoo · 16/10/2016 10:32

My DH wants to take my 2.5y/o DS abroad to visit his family for a week in December too and I have similar worries. I can't go with them as I have less holiday left than DH.

On the one hand it's great for them to have some bonding time and for DH to see what it's like to be the fully responsible one for more than just a day or two. But on the other hand the thought of DS all sad asking "where mummy gone?" breaks my heart.

Having said that my DS is usually a real mummy's boy but he didn't mention me at all when I went away for a weekend in August! He does get really upset if he sees me on FaceTime though, despite being used to doing that with grandparents. So I agree with PP that said to avoid that!

AndNowItsSeven · 16/10/2016 10:48

How odd of your dh, a two year old is it going to get anything more out of Spain than he would Bognor.
Your dh sounds controlling and immature.

QueenJuggler · 16/10/2016 17:32

Yes, but the DH might get more out of Spain than Bognor.

I actually think the DH here sounds rather lovely.

LHReturns · 16/10/2016 17:43

Agree with Queen entirely! The DH is trying to do a nice thing for BOTH of them. Better weather to enjoy lots of outdoor activities would certainly make for a better week with my 2.5 year old DS. No prizes for making it horrible.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 16/10/2016 18:36

He's definitely not controlling Shock

Possibly immature though based on the photos I've seen of him and DS playing with inflatables in the pool Grin

I'm at work today so am completely distracted from the fact they're away but I'm dreading going home to an empty home tonight. I'm really, really missing DH too which is lovely to discover - I think that because my mind isn't m focused on having to look after DS it's giving me a chance to make DH the focus of my thoughts for a change Smile

They seem to be having a wonderful time though so no regrets despite missing him ridiculous amounts.

OP posts:
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