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Original poster

Struggling to cope with the fact I'm going to be apart from my toddler...

166 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 09/10/2016 21:20

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what I'm looking for from this post, just some reassurance or kind words because I'm starting to feel very anxious.

My wonderful DS is 2.5 years old and next week my DH is taking him abroad for seven days (to Spain) whilst I stay at home. DH first suggested this a few months ago and my initial reaction was to just burst into tears. I couldn't bear the thought of being so far away from DS.

Anyway, we talked and talked about it to the point DH booked the holiday and I was fine about it but over the last few days I've been in tears at the thought of being separated from him for so long and him being so far away. I get a feeling of dread in my stomach whenever I think of them leaving.

DS is very close to me, a definite "mummy's boy" as the saying goes and whenever he's hurt, poorly or upset it's me he wants. When he wakes up in the middle of the night it is me he cries for and I can't stop worrying about how the separation will affect him.

Since he's been born the longest I've been away from him for is 48 hours and it made me so upset, I just missed him so much.

Yesterday I had thoughts of actually telling DH I had changed my mind and that they couldn't go. If I'm honest, I'm still scared that between now and the weekend I'm going to crack and ask DH to stay.

Is this amount of dread normal?

Has anyone else spent a long time away from your toddler and coped? I'm pretty sure that DS will be fine and I'm letting my brain run away from me with crazy and irrational thoughts.....

OP posts:

ToneDeafHamster · 12/10/2016 11:09

I don't think you are over reacting at all. My DD is the same age and I would be distraught at the thought of being away from her for a week. Even more so in a different country! I am still BF and she still feeds a lot. I am very attached to her, why on earth wouldn't I be?

If you really feel so uncomfortable about it, can you just ask him not to go? Tell him you just cannot bring yourself to be away from your son for so long. If he was in the UK it would't be as bad, in my opinion, but Spain is a different matter!

QueenJuggler · 12/10/2016 11:37

I don't get this level of attachment - I mean, I miss my DD loads when we are apart for a few days, but I don't feel dread or the need to cry. That sounds really unhealthy.

Strawberry90 · 12/10/2016 11:52

Queenjuggler it's the natural level of attachment really. Its natural for a 2 year old to still be dependant on his mum and the mum know this and feel upset by the prospect of seperation.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds Families General parenting

Strawberry90 · 12/10/2016 11:53

Ps op don't listen to pp who tell you you are overwhelming or your reaction unhealthy. Feelings are feelings and you are just being a good mum

paap1975 · 12/10/2016 12:00

Part of being a good mum is letting your child spread their wings. The child is not going to be in any danger. In fact, he is going to be with a parent who has clearly put a lot of thought into making this a good experience. Don't pass on your anxieties and spoil it for him

QueenJuggler · 12/10/2016 12:44

Strawberry - I entirely disagree. It's not healthy to display such anxiety - and naive to think a child won't pick up on it. I am witnessing first-hand the negative effects that such anxiety can have on a child - a 8-year-old who spends every morning howling at the school gate, her 12-year-old sister unable to have a playdate without Mum present, and a 14-year-old brother who has never taken part in a school trip, all from the same family with a mother who has always been anxious about separation. It can be very, very damaging to the emotional health of the child to worry so much about a child being away with the other parent.

Strawberry90 · 12/10/2016 13:00

12 maybe but a 2 year old... they still need their primary caregiver and a week too long to spend away imo. A few days maybe yes but a week a long time.

Yes allow your child to spread their wings but little by little whilst providing them with a secure consistent base. If the op feels anxious about this it's prob because she feels it's a bit long for her DS at this age.

Chewingthecrud · 12/10/2016 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

steppemum · 12/10/2016 13:20

i love this idea that the father doesn't count in terms of primary caregiver. That if the mother spends a few more hours with the child then it is only possibole for the child to be attched to the mother.

I would have had no problem leaving ds with dh. Why? because he was very securely attched to BOTH of us.

I would rspond differently (maybe) if you were leaving him with grandparents etc, but he is with his father, you know the one who sees him every day and tucks him into be etc. Not a remote relation.

QueenJuggler · 12/10/2016 13:24

How is the DH not as important a care-giver as the OP? Why does the OP get to have time away with DS but not the DH?

NickyEds · 12/10/2016 13:27

8, 12 and 14 year olds are very different to a 2 year old. Anxiety and worry at being apart from your 2 year old for a week is perfectly natural. Also I think the op is more concerned about her son's anxiety and distress than her own. My sister occasion ally has my dc over night, she picks them up at tea time, has them over night and usually brings them back at lunchtime the next day, by which time ds is asking for me and I'm ready to see them. Of course it would be different if they were with their dad but it's still young to be apart from their primary carer- I' m not saying ops ds won't be fine, I'm sure he will be, but it is natural to worry.

QueenJuggler · 12/10/2016 13:37

It's natural to worry - but what the OP is describing is way beyond normal levels of worry.

I'd actually be very worried if I thought my DH were unable to provide comfort to my DD - that's not good. If the DH was incompetent, then it's not the OPs fault, but to me, this thread reads like the OP has artificially created a situation where she's happy for the DS to be a 'mummy's boy'. If I were the DH, I'd be feeling pushed out - which is possibly why he wants a week on his own.

I've known the 8, 12 and 14 years old since the 14 year old was born BTW - the mother was exactly the same as the OP. The marriage ended in divorce - with the mother's unreasonable behaviour regarding allowing the DH to build a positive relationship with the children being cited as a reason.

FATEdestiny · 12/10/2016 13:42

There are working mums who may be required to go away for occassional weeks with their work. There are dads who do this too. This thread implies that such separations are too much to expect in a parent. Correction: they are too much to expect from a FEMALE parent (even though many father's do this regularly).

The tone of this discussion is becoming sexist.

QueenJuggler · 12/10/2016 13:46

Indeed it is, FATE. I had to spend a whole month apart from my DD when she was 2. Yes, I missed her. But I was sure as hell entirely confident that she had a secure enough bond with my DH that he could care for her as well as I do, and would have had to have done if the roles were reversed.

DD has the most extraordinarily happy relationship with both of us. I wouldn't tolerate it being any other way.

I also suspect that it's possible that the sadness and emotion that the OP is feeling is more linked to giving up BF than to the trip. Now that I am more sympathetic to.

NickyEds · 12/10/2016 13:51

Dp has just returned from a trip away, he's been gone 4 days and he was very worried about it, confident that I would be fine and the kids would be fine, but very upset to be leaving them. It's natural for either parent to feel this way.

hmmmum · 12/10/2016 13:59

I don't think the OP's reaction is OTT. The child is only two for goodness sake - in many ways still a a baby. I would be feeling very similarly to you and would feel that it's a very long time.
On the other hand though, the fact that it is your DH looking after him (and they are close) means that it'll be lovely for them to have some bonding time - and for your two year old to experience receiving that comfort from his dad when he needs it rather than from you. It may be hard for him at times but what's difficult is not always wrong. (What i mean is, our kids won't always have things just as they want them, but that's ok!!)
I had to leave my dd for five days when she was two and a half. It was really really hard but she had a good time with her dad. She did miss me (and I her) but she was absolutely fine. And the reunion with both her and my husband when the five days was over was so sweet!

TheVeryThing · 12/10/2016 14:10

I find it very odd that your DH insists on going, partly to give you a break, when you very clearly don't want him to.
How is it a break if it's making you so unhappy?
I have worked full-time since both my dc were 6 months old, with frequent nights away but I think I would struggle with a whole week apart from a toddler.
If my dh said he didn't want me to take the kids away for a week, then I can't see me going ahead with it, especially as it's not to visit grandparents, or other family.
Maybe my judgement is a off, but the whole thing smacks of 'silly emotional woman doesn't know what's good for her'.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 12/10/2016 15:15

My issue isn't about DH going away DS it's about the distance they are going.

The poster who said I can't complain because I'm taking DS to Butlins a few days afterwards is missing the point completely.

My husband is away from DS quite a few times a year and isn't bothered about it but that doesn't mean I have to feel the same.

When I first asked DH many months ago if he minded that I took DS to Butlins for 4 days his response was basically, "God no, I will love having four days of peace and sleep!" (All said in kind humour obviously)

Just because he reacted that way to me and DS going away does not mean that I have to feel the same about them going away.

Like I said, it's the distance that is the issue and DH taking DS to Barcelona is not comparable to me going to the Butlins site that is a two hour drive away from home.

OP posts:

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 12/10/2016 15:17

Thanks to everyone for your support and understanding, I have moments where I feel ok about it and then other moments where I wobble about it all

OP posts:

ToneDeafHamster · 12/10/2016 15:53

The distance would bother me too. A lot.

Would he listen to your concerns?

I wouldn't be able to do it. And I seriously doubt my DH would ever propose taking our DD out of the country without me either. And if he did plan a holiday like that, and I was feeling very anxious and upset about it, he would most definitely cancel.

There are many years to come where your DH can take his son abroad. In my opinion, two years old is too young.

NickyEds · 12/10/2016 16:24

I think you're bring very brave whilst simultaneously sobbling! I can only imagine the conversation in our house:
Dp- I was thinking of taking the kids abroad for a week without you
Me- Really? Yeah, that's not going to happen.

I'm not being s exist, it would be the same for him. Well almost the same, he's joyful at a night away, still happy with two nights, nervous about a third and four is too many.

Trinpy · 12/10/2016 16:28

I commented on your other thread to say my 2 year old was going away abroad for 5 nights with his dad. The trip away happened a couple of weeks ago and although I was fine with it when it was booked I did start to get a bit emotional about it all as the holiday got closer.

We talked to ds a lot about it in the days leading up to going away and he seemed to understand what was going on...until he got to the airport when it became clear that he didn't have a clue what was going on. I think at this age it's very hard for them to comprehend things they havent already experienced (and can remember experiencing!) so I wouldn't worry too much about your ds's reaction to you telling him he'll be going away without you because in his mind it's only daddy who goes away for a long time or all of you together.

The day they went was awful because I had a horrible pain in my stomach all day but I obviously couldn't show ds that I was upset so I had to put on a bit of an act until they left and I was allowed to get a bit teary. By the next morning I felt fine though and I really enjoyed my toddler free days .

We Skyped once and talked a couple of times on the phone - I was worried he would be upset but he couldn't have been less bothered, which I actually found quite reassuring!

He was definitely pleased to be back home with me again but he had a great bonding time with Dh. The best thing is that now I've done it once I know I'll be fine next time. I'm sure it will be the same for you.

Hope this helps.

AmysTiara · 12/10/2016 16:29

I think you're being a bit extreme but we're all different. Try and think of how happy you'll be when he's back from the airport desperate to tell you all the exciting things he's done with his dad

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/10/2016 16:33

How is the DH not as important a care-giver as the OP? Why does the OP get to have time away with DS but not the DH?

Exactly and no I'might not missing the point

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 12/10/2016 17:03

piglet - I have never said that DH isn't allowed to have time away with DS, of course he's allowed time away with him, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be anxious/upset at the thought of DS being so far away and for a whole week.

Thanks for your post trinpy - it has really helped. I know DS will be absolutely fine with DH, they have a wonderful relationship, but that doesn't stop the worry does it

OP posts:

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