What is more beneficial for children... A SAHP or 2 working parents and childcare?

[Candlefairy101]

Hi, I'm not trying to start a debut I am just generally interested in people opinions on the subject.

I have been both a SAHP and a mum working full time. With my youngest I have decided to stay at home but with my oldest I worked full time and he spent a lot of time at nursery. I still feel guilt about this (I don't know why I feel guilty about all those nursery hours just so I could finish my degree) because 1) he can't remember it and 2) he has a mum with a career.

BUT now with my youngest I have decided to stay at home and wonder how/if my children will be effected by each decision and difference growing up lifestyle.

How do mum AND dads feel about this subject also DADS do you like the idea of you wife/ partner being at home with the children?

mY mum when growing up was always a SAHP and then did a 360* turn and worked all the hours under the sun (her choose she didn't have to), I was sad because I always felt comfort at school or out playing that she was always at home, always on standby if you know what I mean?

Love to here everyone's opinion x

Squizita you know nothing about me, or what I'm like as a person, so kindly butt out. I don't appreciate being told how to parent by someone who's read a few posts of mine from a forum and decides to do a bit of armchair psychology on me

FFS this whole thread has become about you. Stop posting and make your own thread. Preferably when you've actually had your child.

I would imagine a lot of people don't like being told how to parent from someone who's not a parent and hasn't even got their own armchair

Melt only because people have decided to become offended by a post I made and were subsequently rude.

Connie, I haven't told anyone how to parent. I've said SEVERAL TIMES that I'm not forcing my beliefs on others. Why don't you get that?

It's pathetic that people have got bothered by my comment so much, they had to personally insult me and go on and on about it. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

I'm not telling you how to parent.

I'm telling you to be more grateful to your parents. Realise the massive thing they are doing for you, their child, and what they have sacrificed to protect you and their grandchild.
You sound utterly spoilt.
You say things about parenthood that are complete fantasy.
You don't know what things cost.

It's not arm chair psychology. You're loud hailing the things that make you seem entitled and taking your parents for granted ... with a really arrogant tone.
FFS you're the one saying things like it's the same as paying £10k for university or a car or whatever when it just isn't and anyone with an ounce of common sense could see that.

Squizita

I am grateful. Like I said you know nothing about me.

Parenthood is different depending on the person what's a fantasy to you might not be to someone else

I know perfectly well how much things cost

Financially it's the same. My point was people don't moan at people's parents supporting them at uni. Why moan at me for mine doing the same?

Swings and roundabouts eh.

You say working when you don't have to is selfish.

I feel that subjecting your parents to sleepless nights, the added financial costs that having a student parent in the household brings, and the general stress of being in a house with someone trying to complete an essay with a two week old in their arms or however old your baby will be when you go back is selfish too. The only adult discussion that can be had when you find out you're pregnant at a young age is "I'm taking responsibility ,I'm moving out". Anything else is relying on your parents.

Jorah I offered to do that they didn't want me to.

It's a really good idea, in public, when people don't know you to not act in an ignorant or judgemental manner and to demonstrate comprehension skills.
Otherwise, funnily enough, you look really bad to everyone else. Saying "you don't know me" actually digs you further in because who presents themselves to strangers like that I'd it's not "them"???

Because your parents aren't supporting you at uni. They're supporting you to have your baby......indefinitely. Most parents don't expect to be doing this and looks like it'll be for longer than necessary because you have some odd and idealistic ideas about parenting which aren't based on 'your' reality or 'your' current situation.

I don't feel I've been either. Not my fault people are oversensitive. I haven't personally insulted anyone, the only times I insulted anyone was as a direct response to insults flung at me.

Disagreeing with the majority doesn't mean I'm ignorant and judgemental.

Sorry I don't understand your last sentence

Connie but I don't cost what a regular student costs because I'm not asking parents to pay for accommodation of fund drinking and partying, or a car. So I doubt financially I cost much more.

How is "until I finish my course" indefinitely?

I don't know many non- parent students who live with their parents and demand money for drinking and partying or a car. I don't know kw any, actually. We all moved out, and those that didn't worked weekends to fund their own lifestyles.

Jorah, plenty of students either live at home or get their parents to pay their rent and allowance. At least I know a large number who do. In fact most students I know don't have jobs

I think I've missed this part - if working when you're a parent is selfish, then so is studying, obviously. Also generally (unless you do distance learning, I guess, but you mentioned a full time degree) requires that one uses some kind of a child care. And you're planning to live with your parents until you finish the university? How are you going to go to school, if you're now planning to be a SAHM and raise the child yourself? Is choosing to go to classes instead of spending time with your child not selfish?

Hazle, my comment was that parents who choose to work more hours than necessary is selfish. Not any type of working. I should have said the decision is selfish rather than making it sound like I was judging the person because it wasn't meant to!

Personally I'm taking a year off with him, where I will be with him all the time. After that he will be with family and my university has a nursery. I don't want to put him in one, but at least he'll be near me and I will be able to go to him inbetween lectures, so it's better than nothing. Once finished I plan to work part time and my parents will look after him while I'm at work (yes they are fine with this)

Degree is not necessary either, plenty of people manage without. Of course, generally having one will be good for your career options and income. Just like full time working. So your choice to go back to uni and put your child to nursery is actually quite similar to the ones you consider selfish, or don't you think?

Imagine for a moment that your parents are not as well off as you say they are. Imagine they are both working full time in minimum wage jobs and, while they would like to support you, and they do support your choice to have a child in your situation, they simply cannot provide for you financially or offer child care. Imagine that you have to pay for your own choices, and are completely responsible for housing, clothing and feeding your child. Putting yourself in that position, could you then imagine that maybe you might want to provide more for your child than the absolute bare minimum. That maybe you could scrape by on part time work, or on benefits, but actually life would be a lot better for your child if you worked longer hours than what might be deemed absolutely necessary.

Imagine you have already got your degree and have a job working in the field you are trained to work in and enjoy your work. Although you may financially be able to work less than full time hours, you're told that that just isn't possible, so are then faced with a choice of either working full time or moving to a different career/giving up work altogether. These are real situations that people find themselves in. Not all women who work more than what you deem necessary are "selfish" and "love their career more than their children", just as not all SAHMs have selflessly sacrificed their own ambitions for the sake of their children. You have a lot to learn.

Hazle, not necessarily as the particular job I want to do needs a degree and the job itself is one with very flexible hours which will be better for my kids.

Elizabeth with the first situation I can understand it. Personally I'd rather have the time than the extra cash but I appreciate that's easy for me to say.

Second one, it's hard but I personally would still choose to give up or have the time. It comes down to what you prioritise - selfish probably was a bit harsh but it seems to me it's not a decision where the children are put first

Elizabeth's first situation sums up mine. I was just turned 19 and pregnant, and my parents had absolutely no way of supporting us financially, no way for me to move in with them, and OH and I have been, since she was born in April last year, the only ones responsible for clothing, feeding and housing DD.

Personally I'd rather have the time than the extra cash but I appreciate that's easy for me to say

Very easy for you to say. And you forget - it's not 'extra cash', it's the only cash you're going to get when the bank of mummy and daddy is empty and your baby needs to eat. Working full-time while OH trains isn't a choice for us, or a matter of priorities, it's a case of doing what we can to keep a roof over DD's head, clothes on her back and food in her tummy.

To be called selfish for sacrificing precious time with her to do that is a kick in the teeth, particularly when it comes from someone with seemingly no appreciation of what being a parent entails, and certainly no notion of how privileged she is.

Jorah surely that comes under working out of need? My original comment wasn't meant for that situation. I was more referring to people who are well off and workaholic and spend no time with their children. Not people working in order to feed their families.

I do understand I'm very lucky

Why do you need to go to uni? What is this strange need concept you have? If you only think you should work What you need to then surely you could just get work to cover your basic needs.

I would imagine it's Becuase you will enjoy your course and hope to have a good career out of it, which is of course perfectly reasonable. So why shouldn't someone work the hours they need to to have the same?

But no one NEEDS to go to uni do they

This reminds me with the argument i had with DS the other day when he insisted my leg was his leg. He wasn't having any of it.

Honestly it's the most nonsensical thing I've ever heard.

Terry I haven't said people should work the bare minimum. I've said that I don't think it's good when people work excessively long hours when there is no need.

The reason I go to uni is because it will allow me to have a job that is part time and flexible, which will be better for my children. It's not because I want "a career" . I want something that will work for my family and allow me to not have to work long hours and weekends like most retail jobs and other jobs you can get without s degree require

How will a degree help you obtain a PT job? You'd be better off leaving now, saving the rest of the fees and going into retail. Graduate jobs are not flexible.
I have half a line of letters after my name. I am highly qualified in a very specialised area, and it just isn't possible to do PT. There are no roles PT, and employers will not accept cutting hours. It's male dominated, and generally males never need to request PT hours so it isn't happening.