What is more beneficial for children... A SAHP or 2 working parents and childcare?

[Candlefairy101]

Hi, I'm not trying to start a debut I am just generally interested in people opinions on the subject.

I have been both a SAHP and a mum working full time. With my youngest I have decided to stay at home but with my oldest I worked full time and he spent a lot of time at nursery. I still feel guilt about this (I don't know why I feel guilty about all those nursery hours just so I could finish my degree) because 1) he can't remember it and 2) he has a mum with a career.

BUT now with my youngest I have decided to stay at home and wonder how/if my children will be effected by each decision and difference growing up lifestyle.

How do mum AND dads feel about this subject also DADS do you like the idea of you wife/ partner being at home with the children?

mY mum when growing up was always a SAHP and then did a 360* turn and worked all the hours under the sun (her choose she didn't have to), I was sad because I always felt comfort at school or out playing that she was always at home, always on standby if you know what I mean?

Love to here everyone's opinion x

[LashesandLipstick]

Connie I'm not saying you can't do those things if you work, but you can see the difference between spending days with your kids rather than a few hours in the evening

[hippospot]

I'm a SAHM. I think there are pros and cons in all the possible scenarios.

For us it makes the logistics much simpler me being at home even though the children are school age. DH travels abroad a lot and works long hours. His earning capacity was always much higher than mine. He's never had to miss work for a sick child, and although he's missed the occasional sports day I've been at all the school events. His career has really taken off, and we all feel the benefit of his increased pay. He massively values what I do, and feels sad that his own mum (single parent) had to work long hours out of financial necessity. He barely saw her and had to return home to an empty house at a young age.

My children enjoy coming home from school and taking it easy with me, reading, playing together. I can see that after 7 hours at school they are tired and ready for quiet time at home. As they get older they can choose more activities and I'll be available to transport them all over the place!

With no family nearby the school holidays would be a logistical challenge.

[basgetti]

I'm a SAHM because I think that is best for MY particular children. My DS has SN and school was an awful experience for him so I'm currently home edding and am grateful that being at home gave us the option to do that. For similar reasons childcare settings would be very difficult for him. I also like being at home with the baby. I'm sure other families also make the best decisions for their particular situations, whatever they may be.

[conniedescending]

No lashes I can't

My kids were just as happy or unhappy if they were plonked on a nursery floor with a rattle or plonked in a travel cot while I cleaned the loo.

Let's not try to kid ourselves that sahp is more beneficial to children. What we mean is that it's more beneficial to us.

[elderflowerlemonade]

I honestly believe a good parent does a good job regardless.

[LashesandLipstick]

Connie, if it doesn't bother your kids, that's fine. Remembering my own childhood, I hated nursery and instead loved it when my mum had me (she worked part time) and remember those days very happily, in fact I started my school ahead of everyone else academically because my mum had spent so much time teaching and reading to me. I certainly don't think I'd have had as nice a childhood if my mum had worked full time

So no, SAHP isn't always about the parents needs.

[LashesandLipstick]

Why have kids anyway if you don't want to bring them up yourself?

[ComtesseDeSpair]

How do you measure "beneficial" or "affected"? Assuming that you are parenting your children towards the adults you would like/hope they become then surely the best measure of which is most beneficial for a child is to look at a large-ish selection of adults and see if you can spot whether there's a pattern in how their lives have turned out and whether they had a SAHP or not.

I have friends who have parents who both worked long hours in demanding careers; friends who had one parent working full-time and one part-time; friends who had a SAHM (and it was always a SAHM); friends who had a combination of more than one or all of the above over the duration of their childhood. I look at my friends and don't see much pattern in or difference between us in terms of which sort of parenting seems to have been the most "beneficial" or "affected" them positively. We're all generally pretty well-adjusted, stable, content, successful, (to varying degrees, depending on what your definition of success is) people, who I've never known to ascribe how they've turned out as being much to do with the employment status of their own parents.

My brothers and I all had the same SAHM and WOHD, but we are different people with different lifestyle and frankly I think that the way we were parented had far less influence on that than did the different ways we were educated, our different peer groups and our innate personalities.

So in short - I just don't think one or the other is more beneficial, and I doubt anybody can come to the thread and say that the vast majority of people they know who had a SAHM are happier and more successful than the vast majority of people who didn't, or vice versa. I'm certainly not aware of any studies which have demonstrated anything even vaguely conclusive.

As Elderflowers above says, a good parent is a good parent.

[Bellebella]

It depends on the family. For me and my oh, we do not agree with putting a young child in child care. None of the children in the whole family have been in childcare so for us it's normal for a child to be at home. I can only imagine my mum's and my nan's attitude if I turned around and said my son was going to nursery 5 days a week all day. It would be an alien concept to how they see parenting.

Having said that parents do need to work and actually I do enjoy being away from mum mode. myself and my oh work different times so our son will always be with one parent or if need be a grandparent. Later this year I am going full time, and my partner will be cutting his hours so again someone will always be with ds.

[elderflowerlemonade]

Because they are annoying lashes.

[LashesandLipstick]

Elderflower then why have any in the first place?! As I said I understand wanting to work, I understand HAVING to work, I don't understand having kids and choosing to work more than you need to

[elderflowerlemonade]

Because the condom split and durex wouldn't take the baby back.

I am not enchanted by small children but they don't stay like that - they grow. My mum was a SAHM and a rubbish one! I'm sure she'd have been a perfectly nice mum when I was older. She just wasn't very good with small children.

[LashesandLipstick]

Elderflower, I can see your point about not being good with small kids. My dad was much better as I was older for example, but then he wasn't the one who spent the most time with me. If the mum isn't great with small kids, there's nothing wrong with their dad staying home

[elderflowerlemonade]

There is if he's not a small children person as well, or if either don't want to because they just don't want to.

A good parent puts their child first, loves the bones from them and explains the world to them. Then sets them free. Rocket science it ain't! By the way - I am a SAHM.

[chairmeoh]

lashes parents who work full time and place their DC in childcare are still bringing them up.
You complain about a poster insulting parents who choose to stay at home, so perhaps you could refrain from insulting parents who work long hours and use paid childcare?

[LashesandLipstick]

Elderflower, in that case I do question why bother, I mean, I think it's unfair to the kids. That's not to say I think working parents are bad, but I think if you have the opportunity to spend time with your kids and you choose not to, that's really selfish.

[LashesandLipstick]

Chairmeoh, wasn't trying to be insulting, sorry if it came over that way. I have to use childcare myself so not insulting anyone who does, I was simply saying if you choose to work longer hours and not spend time with your kids when you have the choice, that's selfish.

[elderflowerlemonade]

I don't know why bother but I think a lot of parents just don't know they won't be enamoured by children until they have them. My earlier comment was facetious but you can't put the baby back once you realise you actually don't want to spend your days watching postman pat!

In any case I suppose I am glad my parents had me, because otherwise I wouldn't be here.

[LashesandLipstick]

Elderflower, I guess I can see that, but I just think that's really unfair to the children. I'd have been devastated if I'd have had to go into nursery 5 days a week. I understand some people don't have the choice, but if the choice is there then I think the parents should put the needs of the children above their own

[elderflowerlemonade]

Believe me, spending 5 days a week at nursery would have been preferable to me as a child!

Children 'need' to be cared for. They do not 'need' a harassed, shouty, depressed and unstable parent yelling at them for their formative years.

My mum was quite nice really but she really didn't understand small children so well.

[LashesandLipstick]

Elderflower I suppose nursery might be better if the parent is really unsuitable!

[FrozenAteMyDaughter]

Gosh, this turned into the usual WOHM/SAHM debate (or a variation of) pretty fast! Lashes life isn't as simple as people working full time long hours out of choice. I honestly doubt many people think to themselves, I could go home at 5.30pm but I'll just stay here a few more hours so the kids will be in bed when I get back.

The problem is that to do some jobs properly (or at all) you have to work long hours. I work in a law firm and while I do a job which is fairly flexible and work 4 days a week, many of my colleagues are not so lucky and realistically have to work full time and, often, also travel a fair bit as well as attending evening functions.

All of them love their children, many of them struggle with balancing the needs of those children with the requirements of the job, but the problem is you go into a career at a time when you are young, free and single and can work whatever hours you like. What you don't always realise or, if you do, have much say over, is that those hours won't necessarily change and it is not always easy to change careers or even reduce your hours just because it would suit your lifestyle better to do so.

Often the choice is work full time plus plus plus or give up the job. For all sorts of reasons, the latter may not be possible or desirable.

[yellowcurtains]

Lashes- you're a pregnant student, you haven't been a SAHP, a working parent, nor even a parent yet. Depending on your route to university, there's a chance you haven't run a home yet, or even been a working adult yet.
Perhaps before castigating people for having children and just putting them in childcare (your words) you wait a few years and see how life turns out. I'm fairly sure most of us are not genuinely mistresses of our own destinies.

[wafflyversatile]

There are so many ways to bring up a child and so many variables from birth to adulthood that unpicking what influenced what outcome in an adult child's life is all but impossible. No child grows up in the same environment and there are advantages and disadvantages all along the way. Knowing what they will be in advance isn't really possible. And different people have different ideas about what outcomes are best anyway.

[LashesandLipstick]

Frozen, I understand that and my comments weren't directed at those people at all. Sometimes there aren't any other options. I was specifically talking about people who choose to work long hours when there's no need. So not quite sure why people who work out of necessity are getting upset

Yellow, I've worked and I've lived alone if you're referring to the fact I'm 21. I'm not insulting people who use childcare, for some people there is no choice. I'm saying I think it's selfish to work 5 days when you could work 4, for example. Or to work extra hours when you could spend that time with your children. THAT is my point.