What is more beneficial for children... A SAHP or 2 working parents and childcare?

[Candlefairy101]

Hi, I'm not trying to start a debut I am just generally interested in people opinions on the subject.

I have been both a SAHP and a mum working full time. With my youngest I have decided to stay at home but with my oldest I worked full time and he spent a lot of time at nursery. I still feel guilt about this (I don't know why I feel guilty about all those nursery hours just so I could finish my degree) because 1) he can't remember it and 2) he has a mum with a career.

BUT now with my youngest I have decided to stay at home and wonder how/if my children will be effected by each decision and difference growing up lifestyle.

How do mum AND dads feel about this subject also DADS do you like the idea of you wife/ partner being at home with the children?

mY mum when growing up was always a SAHP and then did a 360* turn and worked all the hours under the sun (her choose she didn't have to), I was sad because I always felt comfort at school or out playing that she was always at home, always on standby if you know what I mean?

Love to here everyone's opinion x

What I find interesting is Jassy has been as clear and blunt as everyone else (indeed cutting and pasting lists of quotes which is effective as it's clear as clear can be) but you think everyone is "angry" except her.
This might be to do with your neuro diversity. As someone with a similar neuro diverse profile, I think your high anxiety as a child might also be greater than neuro typical children and thus you might find most children are ok in situations you found anxious.

If your OH is not there - is he not being "selfish"?
What you might find is he views your situation (being the main parent) upsetting when the time comes, because you are getting more quality time. The idea that SAHP is 'selfless' is also more complex - working parents (often men as society expects them to go back after 2 werks) often want to spend time and bond. From that perspective, the person who does not work (meaning the other must full time) or works part time, is the one getting their desire fulfilled.
Or is he away as he wants to be and therefore selfish?

Also I third what Nolim said.

With the addition that beyond fulfilment some jobs are a vocation/needed and many parents are driven to do theirs because of their empathy for other families (e.g. I know a father who works hard to help children read through sport, knowing low literacy is linked directly to poverty. He is vocal about empathising with parents who want the best but have no garden or lack the skills to teach reading. I also know several nurses who are mums, who know acutely the worry if a child is ill and are therefore driven to work harder). It's not selfishness.

Surely you could work it out lashes ? Number 2....particularly with your really informed views of education!

Interested in how you're going to financially support yourself and child to have this idealistic childhood when you are a student and not living with your partner? Not much laughing to be done when you're choosing between eating and heating.

Squizita, I agree that some misinterpretation may have arisen due to me being non NT, and that it probably contributed to my anxiety as a child.

My partner isn't away by choice really, he's also a student. We decided it would be better for only one of us to take the year off. He does mention that he sometimes feels a bit upset he won't be there all the time, so agree that men often do want more time with their kids than society lets them. Personally I support the splitting of maternity/paternity leave to 6 months each, not that that would change our personal situation. I just think it's a bit unfair men only gt 2 weeks

Interesting about empathy and jobs, and I can definitely agree with that. Some people work because they have a skill/talent they feel they can offer others in order to help people. And that's admirable. Again I wasn't suggesting everyone should stop working. Just that I thought it was strange to work more than you had to if you had your own kids, and to me it appeared selfish. Selfish probably isn't the correct word, selfish seems to have given the impression I'm judging the person when I'm not, I merely mean that that particular aspect of what they've chosen to do is something I find unusual and wouldn't do myself. I guess I find it...curious...that someone would choose to spend their days with others rather than their own family when they have a choice. Again though I'm not saying this makes them bad people or trying to be judgemental.

Connie, I currently live with my parents, I'm very lucky in that I have a supportive family who are fairly well off. Yes I realise that makes me more advantaged than most people.

day in the week where it's just the two of you rather than the whole family. Where you can focus solely on the child rather than your partner and other relatives.

lashes when I was a single parent working full time (I suppose I didn't have to, there was a lot of pressure on me to be a sahm) I spent a lot more time one on one with DS than mums who have partners or other dcs even if they are sahms. We had an hour together in the morning and 3/4 hours just the two of us together in the same room every evening. At weekends it was just the two of us all his waking hours. Then there were days off/holidays/flexi/sick days (I had a good employee who gave carers leave).

So it's a bit ridiculous to say that ft working mums/parents don't spend enough time focusing solely on the DC. Having a dp and other dcs takes far more attention away from your pfb than a job!

Athena, I understand that that's why I said it's nice if you can to have a day off with them where it's just you rather than at the weekend

Good point Athena. I'm a multiple do have never had long term 1-1 attention- I guess 2nd kids with close age gaps are similar.

My own anxieties and health have me reluctant to have another child - though the key thing here is these are my fears and I know most large families are happy with a healthy mum.

I far prefer days when it is 3 of us together to just 1 to 1. As I'm 1-1 all day in the week, it's nice enough but mundane. Trip to the shop, play a bit, do mum/baby yoga, nap time, unblock the plug in the kitchen and whack some laundry on...
At weekends with mum AND dad, times are more fun and it's great fun.

In reality the gazing lovingly to wiping up turds ratio is the opposite of what we would like.

For us it made more sense long-term for me to continue at work in some capacity as it will mean that once the DC are all at school, we will be much better off financially, even if it's a bit of a struggle for a short time at the moment. My career prospects and earning potential would plummet if I took several years out, whereas if I keep within the profession, I will have many more options later, such as bank, agency or private work, even if I leave my current role.

Also, after a year on mat leave, I didn't really want to be a sahm. It's just not for me. DH is the higher earner, so it made sense for him to stay full time in work. We are also fortunate in that GP's do childcare one day a week for us.

I think it depends on so many different factors.

• are there family members such as loving grandparents that can help
• is the job one that takes you away from home for very long days where you only see your children for bedtime and weekends
• personality of the child

I think no one can look after my children better than I. There is a current problem with the emotional wellbeing of young people, they are not growing emotionally grounded, I put that down to the breakdown of the family and lack of time and attention from parents.

Unfortunately, a lot of people's situations are decided on finances not what is necessarily what the parents and children's ideal would be.

lasehs in the nicest possible way based on your posts and the fact that you are dealing with ADHD yourself it is my belief that your dc would benefit immensely by being looked after you as well as good quality childcare. Being around other children regularly and fitting into a group are life skills which, if learnd early can be immensely emancipating and enabling. I understand better now why you seem so stubborn and don't see anything wrong with labelling other parents as selfish. I guess you don't realise that being called selfish can be very hurtful to pole with dc because most of us give everything and then some to ensure our dc well-being.

Your situation lashes doesn't sound stable especially as you got pregnant before completing your education and your dp will not live with you so your family life will be unconventional and it probably won't be easy. See, I could easily say that it's selfish to have a family before having your ducks in a row but I don't as that would be judgmental and narrow-minded and unkind.

Btw, if your partner is studying how are you financing your family?

Timetoask the big crisis is with lack of hands on male role models. Also helecopter/fear parenting - which happens equally across both sahp and WOHP - children are acutely aware of "danger" to the extent it inhibits them and at the same time the media bombards them with one way to be a good kid, while tempting them with "get famous quick" trash. From year 1 they're stuck between these 2 and troubled by it. Troubled kids are either pressurised to excel or wrapped in cotton wool or ignored. And all types of parent do all three.

Before my dd I worked with troubled teens and I will go back to that role.
There was no correlation between WOHP and troubles, bar cases of neglect (ie parent just didn't get childcare and left their kid from age 4 or 5 to work shifts at the airport).

Martha, why would he benefit from childcare? My ADHD doesn't mean I can't take care of my son, and while I agree it's nice to be with other children at times, I don't really think "fitting in with a group" is a good thing to teach kids, I tend to go for more along the lines of be yourself and if people like it great if they don't well they know where to go. I don't think trying to make people conform, particularly at an early age, is a good thing.

I think I've worded it in a way that's insulted people but I wasn't meaning to insult anyone. I suppose I have a different view on what's insulting - someone saying, when asked "I think x is selfish personally" wouldn't really insult me. If they went out of their way to find people who do x and started insulting them, then yeah that's not very nice. But I don't think having an opinion is insulting

My situation is perfectly stable, I don't see how me being a student means it's not? As for my DP not living with me, I don't see how that is any different to families where one parent works long hours in the week and mainly sees their kids at weekends, which loads of families do anyway. As for finances, I live with my parents, I'm lucky that my family are quite well off which puts me in a fortunate position

I'm a SAHM and I can't even say personally whether this is best for us, never mind judge anyone else's situation. DH and I both felt strongly that childcare wasn't for us when the time came for me to return to work after DS1. After 5 years i still love being a SAHM. I cannot imagine doing it any other way. Despite leaving a job i loved it turns out i love being home with my kids. We are lucky to be able to afford to live on one income.

But...I wonder if DH and I would possibly have a better relationship if our entire lives didn't revolve around our kids. We both tend to be anxious about our children's wellbeing. We are working on this.

I sometimes wish for material things that we'd easily afford if we had a second income. It would be lovely to have more holidays too. Shallow I know but truthful. No doubt the DC will pick up this theme at some point as their classmates head off on amazing holidays several times a year.

Also, i dont have a great deal to talk about these days. I wonder how interesting I will be after another 5 years at home. How will that affect my friendships and relationship. Children definitely benefit from having happy parents. I could go on. My point, if I have one, is I don't know how anyone can be sure any approach is best, even for their own family.

All you can do is go with what you feel is right and hope its for the best. I am consoled by seeing many children from different situations grow up happy. Well happy-ish, after all everyone blames their parents for something!

Lashes, you're not even a parent yet. Wind your neck in. You have absolutely no experience of what anyone else here is discussing yet you're condescending to them. Come back when you've actually had your kid.

I'm going back to work in October and my DH is staying home. I'd prefer it the other way around but he hated his job and I love mine. But I'm surprised at the force of feeling I have against it. I thought I'd be raring to go back. Remains to be seen how it will affect us but I'm requesting compressed hours.

Melt forgot you had to personally experience everything before having an opinion. I hope you never discuss politics unless you're a politician or have likes/dislikes unless you have tried every single one of them. That would be hypocritical you see :)

(And yes, NOW I'm being condescending. I wasn't originally but people seem to be deciding to get offended whatever I say so why not)

My point, if I have one, is I don't know how anyone can be sure any approach is best, even for their own family

This. This is exactly right. There is no way to control for our personal decisions - and the road not taken. We weigh up circumstances, personalities, external evidence, and motivations that may or may not be due to socialisation or assumptions, and we all make what feels like the best choice.

Lashes - again, having an opinion isn't insulting. The content of that opinion has every ability to be.

Politics are systems that affect everyone. Having a child and how that impacts on your life, yourself and everything else is something you only know about once you've experienced. Believe me, whatever you think you'll know and feel and what will happen will change. So yeah, I do feel you should shut up and let actual parents speak on this issue.

Of course you don't have to personally experience everything before having an opinion.

But not all opinionsa re created equal and people will take into account whether you have a combined total of 39 years of parenting and working or whether you have no parenting experience and a few months experience of working when deciding how much weight your opinion holds.

I tend not to tell people who have elective caesarians that I think it is a good idea, bad, selfish, easier etc because common sense tells that my opinion really isn;t worth much, never having experienced it or even had any close family or work experience of it.

You are absolutely entitled to your opinion - that doesn't mean I have to pay it much attention.

Jassy only if you let it. Some people will think that I'm selfish for having s child early for example. I don't find that insulting at all. It's only insulting if you start bullying people about it. Just having an opinion that disagrees with someone's choices isn't insulting.

Kew, that's fair enough, I just don't appreciate people effectively going "my kids are older snd I'm older so I know better than you". It's silly.

You are entitled to have an opinion on it though, and if someone asked you and you gave it, that wouldn't be wrong. They might choose to ignore your view on it, which is up to them

Of course and that's what I've been saying for pages now - my opinion is just that and I'm not saying everyone should start doing things my way. I don't understand why people seem to think I'm forcing it on others

Melt right so because YOU changed how you think and feel obviously I will? Because we're the same people in the same circumstance who think the same way...

Typical "im older I know better" attitude people trot out when they dislike someone younger disagreeing

No, because ask around, pretty much EVERYONE does. It is NEVER what you expect.

I'm not much older than you. And you've completely derailed this thread where parents could have had a discussion on something that affects them, so well done there.