What is more beneficial for children... A SAHP or 2 working parents and childcare?

[Candlefairy101]

Hi, I'm not trying to start a debut I am just generally interested in people opinions on the subject.

I have been both a SAHP and a mum working full time. With my youngest I have decided to stay at home but with my oldest I worked full time and he spent a lot of time at nursery. I still feel guilt about this (I don't know why I feel guilty about all those nursery hours just so I could finish my degree) because 1) he can't remember it and 2) he has a mum with a career.

BUT now with my youngest I have decided to stay at home and wonder how/if my children will be effected by each decision and difference growing up lifestyle.

How do mum AND dads feel about this subject also DADS do you like the idea of you wife/ partner being at home with the children?

mY mum when growing up was always a SAHP and then did a 360* turn and worked all the hours under the sun (her choose she didn't have to), I was sad because I always felt comfort at school or out playing that she was always at home, always on standby if you know what I mean?

Love to here everyone's opinion x

I don't see how it's more expensive than university - I'm not living here long term, only until myself and DP finish university.

Again it's not 18 years, it's not as if I'm living with them after I've finished my degree.

There are moral issues with it, I agree, however for me, I would much rather accept my parents generosity and give my son a nice life than deliberately make life harder for both of us to prove a point.

I don't see how I could give my opinion on this without commenting on the choice of others? I could say that "I think having a parent at home is beneficial" but it doesn't elaborate on anything.

You could look at the way many other posters addressed the issue, for starters. You could explain the reasons for your preference without making value judgements about the motivations or decisions of those with different preferences. Saying 'because it's selfish' doesn't elaborate on anything, either, as you learned when you were bombarded with requests to actually elaborate on your position.

The love your career more than your children line was rude, it was in response to "if you can't fathom that some people love their careers, then..." Which was a sarcastic insult. Funny how you don't mind people insulting me but the minute I say anything back im the bad guy.

You struck back at feeling insulted by one poster (why did you choose to feel insulted, by the way?) by insulting a large group of people? How reasonable. Regardless of whether it was rude or polite, it was a judgemental and insulting statement. How about owning that?

I've been very blunt and direct with you on this thread, because it felt like other ways of engaging were unproductive. It's not from anger. I'm quite frustrated that you seem unwilling to own your own statements and their potential impact on others.

Therein lies the issue with why people are mentioning lack of experience.
Supporting a mother and child properly is more expensive than a student at university even given fees etc. It just is. People on good wages worry about affording a child or their next child.
Not to mention now is the time most parents start putting something aside for when their dc leave school to uni or apprenticeship or whatever - on top of day to day costs.

Plus will you be self funding your degree or will they be paying that and for your baby?

It sounds like they're protecting you from the full cost/reality of your situation.

Jassy

I could have used less emotive language and explained it better. I apologise for that.

The tone of it to me suggested the poster was being unpleasant and I was getting fed up with people not reading the other posts. I'll accept that particular statement was an insult. My opinion that I originally came up with and that we're discussing wasn't an insult.

If a family is happy to operate in a particular way, it's quite frankly no one else's business.

Oh the irony!

Squizita I get a student loan for my degree.

Is it? Most students who rely on parental support get handouts, allowances, and financial help from their parents. I don't see how this is any different. You could argue the average student wouldn't get that which is right however I'm specifically talking about the ones who's parents pay. No one seems to have a problem with it.

Also parents paying car insurance and buying cars for their kids is very common - again no one has a problem with that

Athena this thread asked for opinions.

Nowhere did I say "pleas give me opinions on my families situation".

Big difference

Lashes I said buying a (first) car was expected and normal.
Bankrolling their grandchild is not such a planned for expense.

You've picked and derailed the original point which is: if you are talking of your chosen parenting method as the unselfish one (regardless of what others think), you need to bear in mind that for your family, as well as the child there are others involved. In your zeal for one parenting method you may be unwittingly behaving in a selfish way towards others. I don't think you've considered that.
I think you think you had an adult chat when what really happened is your parents rescued you financially and with support because they love you. You've come out of it thinking you're clued up/mature when in fact you are coming across very sheltered.

And really ... babies ARE expensive.

Squizita but I don't have a car and I don't expect my parents to fund a typical student lifestyle. A car is say£6000? Minimum? And insurance on top of it. some kids get that money in car form, I have it in the form of financial support at uni.

It would be selfish if I expected them to pay for everything, and I didn't. They have been very generous but it's not that it wasn't an adult discussion. My parents have always had the adult discussions, they've never talked down to me or patronised me scene as a child. Just because it's a decision that others wouldn't make doesn't mean it was me being rescued

I get the point that you're saying it could be considered selfish however personally I don't think it is

Of course an additional year funding you and your baby (who will want for nothing courtesy of your mummy and daddy) will be expensive for them and cost more.

Your original point was that u couldn't understand why people would have kids and then put them in a nursery for long hours while they worked.

As the facts have been revealed it is abundantly clear to me why you can't understand this. It's because you haven't yet flown the nest and become independent. You have no clue how much running a household costs and what children cost and still show the naivety of youth.

Sounds like your parents have provided you with a lovely lifestyle? Bet you have no clue how much you'd need to earn to emulate that for your child. I also had a lovely lifestyle growing up and have worked to achieve similar for my children. This is why I chose to work more hours than I needed to. That and I love my job, am good at it and it benefits society.

I bloody hope you're not doing media studies at uni

My opinion that I originally came up with and that we're discussing wasn't an insult.

Yeah. That's really, really not true.

You had no problem airing opinions about the moral value of other people's choices, outwith the subject of the thread. You should be unsurprised - and certainly should not cry foul - when you are treated similarly.

If the thread had been asking for people's opinions on other families' choices about full time work you might have a point - though charges of hypocrisy are still valid when assessing the validity of an argument.

But again, that's not the thread was dealing in until your foray into your view of the personal ethics of parents who work full time.

Squizita but I don't have a car and I don't expect my parents to fund a typical student lifestyle. A car is say£6000? Minimum?

Oh my. I missed this gem. Do you honestly think this?

Umm you can get cars for a lot less than 6 k....you've proven my point there.

And announcing your pg while you're living at home in middle of degree is not an adult discussion. It is your parents supporting you.

It's not your situation I'm judging - my 1st was unplanned and not ideal although I had properly moved out of home. It's you pontificating that how you intend to raise your child if selfless and some sort of parenting utopia .......when you are being bankrolled by your parents. Surely you can see that even objectively?

Connie, will it cost more than paying for accommodation and an allowance?

I've lived on my own before.

I know how much they earn and how much I'd need to earn. I'm glad you like your job.

No I'm not doing media studies.

Jassy I don't see that. I see the question was "what do you think is beneficial". Perhaps I should have answered with why I feel SAHP is more beneficial rather than why I feel excessive working is worse? I genuinely didn't think it would offend.

Obviously you can get a car for cheaper I'm going on the basis of what most parents buy for their kids. Maybe my friends have excessively rich parents, most of them were bought new cars that cost more than that.

Connie it's not as if I expect them to support me forever. Once I've finished my degree it'll be down to me and DO

Lashes what on earth is all this about a car? I think you have made a comprehension error.
Nothing I've said has anything to do with a car whatsoever.

I was using it as an example of a normal late teens expense that isn't 'selfish' because it's expected and planned for. As opposed to an unplanned pregnancy and supporting the mum and baby (you claimed this was preferable morally to going to uni and drinking/clubbing as teens do - which again isn't selfish as it's planned for. I know my dd will buy clothes and beer/wine when she's a student ... I hope she wouldn't accidentally fall pregnant while financially broke and though I'd support her, I'd hope she'd go to work and support her own family).

It was an example. You've derailed yourself again.

Squizita my point is that if say, you allocate £10,000 to spend on your kids at uni (obviously not everyone does), does it matter whether that money is spent on flats and drinks or a baby? It's the same amount of money

...and no where have I said other parents wouldn't make that decision. Most would. To help their child.

Just because they don't talk down to you doesn't mean the whole dynamic of this situation isn't parent/child. It's what would happen with a teenage girl getting pregnant NOT a self supporting adult. The tone and words don't matter ... you are expecting them to 'parent' you and another baby unexpectedly so you can be a sahm while your oh finishes uni without a care.

Squizita no it isn't, several options were discussed and considered.

I'm going on the basis of what most parents buy for their kids

Shockingly, I don't think your social circle is representative.

Jassy I don't see that. I see the question was "what do you think is beneficial". Perhaps I should have answered with why I feel SAHP is more beneficial rather than why I feel excessive working is worse? I genuinely didn't think it would offend

How do you still not see the difference between 'I think there are x, y and z negative impacts on children of full-time childcare' (reasoned argument about the merits of the question, others are able to engage on the merits of the argument) and 'i think parents who work full time are making a selfish decision' (value judgement about another's decision)?

Yes. Yes it does.

Particularly as you don't graduate after the baby is 3 and get a graduate job and cost them no more.
Particularly as finances aside, a baby in the house means sleepless nights for all, mess for all, eyes in the back of heads for all.
A baby can mess up your whole life (not that it will but it can), earning potential, health and relationships for decades.
A baby can come with PND or a complex C section.
A baby can come with a disability or SN.
Conversely they can have a massively expensive/time consuming talent.
FOR 18 YEARS + ...and it's hard to move house with a baby, hard to save up for your own place.

They're giving up a hell of a lot more than 10k.

Good lord you sound spoilt and privileged. And that yes that is a moral judgement.

I think u just need to stop posting now lashes

Your train of thought is mind boggling.

Don't get why you're even going to finish your degree if I'm honest when u only plan on working part time, 0n your own terms and aren't career minded. Save your parents the expense!

Actually I will go so far as to say thank god your mum is there because you're either so immature you'd not parent well or so naive that the massive, massive, massive reality of your baby might utterly floor you form months.

I support troubled teens and have seen many a young pregnant woman. You need to ask another young mum to talk through the realities, no more middle class parenting making you feel grown up (that is what's happening here).
You need sone inkling of the soul destroying exhaustion and real life implications you are going to experience and your parents are willingly taking on.
And you need to realise just how much they are rescuing you, even if they're too nice to make you see it themselves.

Jassy, point taken that I could have worded it a lot better. To me there's not much difference between the two, obviously some people feel differently

Squizita of course that can happen and I agree with you that it's not just financial. However they will not be paying for 18 years so I don't understand that argument. Without going into detail myself and DP already have a housing deposit so we don't need to save up for it either.

Connie because the job I want to do requires one and I enjoy the course. I'm not in it for the money or prospects.