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how long would you let a 2.5yo cry?

194 replies

babybrainache · 19/03/2015 13:01

Dd1 has been crying / whining for last hour because I told her she couldn't watch Peppa pig after ignoring me when I asked her to do something. I've told her she can watch it if she says sorry but she simply refuses and carries on crying. When do I crack and put on the tv?

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fattymcfatfat · 22/03/2015 09:03

Grin to be fair I don't think any child would kick off for so long if they were outside. I know I wouldn't. I would shut up so I could come in and get warm!

just because they are young doesn't mean they are stupid.

ppeatfruit · 22/03/2015 09:04

Enjoyingmy I agree with you but I looked after 3 little boys and the mum gave me permission to hit the middle one Shock oh, or shut him outside Shock .

I certainly didn't hit him but he was playing up a lot, he was a middle child and needed attention , I was also ,at 18, inexperienced and didn't realise it. Anyway he was sooo upset after being shut outside for a minute or 2 I never did it again. It must feel sad to be banished even for a few minutes.

Psipsina · 22/03/2015 09:10

Then someone probably would have called the NSPCC, because they would have heard him.

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Psipsina · 22/03/2015 09:10

@ this If DS1 had yelled for 4 hours he would have been in the garden for 4 hours.

Psipsina · 22/03/2015 09:12

And I would have done the same if I had heard a little child crying for four hours through the wall.

Fairylea · 22/03/2015 09:15

Four hours is too long for any child to be left to cry. I'm not a perfect parent by any means but if my toddler was crying for a long time at bed time I'd assume they were worried or upset about something and at the very least go in and sit with them (and have done this many times). I couldn't just leave them to cry.

fattymcfatfat · 22/03/2015 09:16

a child crying for four hours with the mother popping in and out would be of no concern to nspcc or ss.
just so you know, they have better things to be doing with their time, such as tackling real abuse.

fattymcfatfat · 22/03/2015 09:17

fairylea thats fair enough. but I didn't as I have my own way of doing things. he was fine, he got over it.

catkind · 22/03/2015 09:25

I would stick to a no; 2.5 is plenty old enough to remember if whining is a successful strategy for getting mummy to change her mind.

I don't think I would have been asking for an apology; I would have asked them to do the thing in the first place. Sorry was more about hurting someone at that age I think. But perhaps I don't know enough about the situation.

I wouldn't have left them to cry for an hour though. Jolly or distract them out of it and either move on or get them to do something approximating to an apology so you can put the TV on.

A useful strategy can be phrasing it with a yes: "YES you can have peppa, as soon as you've done xyz".

But perhaps I just have unusually calm children, I can't remember them ever crying for an hour about anything. An hour is a huge time for a 2.5 year old to remember a grudge isn't it? I'd suspect the tantrum had moved on to a general reaction to mummy's cross somewhere in there. But refer to previous disclaimer, perhaps it's my kids that are weird.

JuliaDream · 22/03/2015 09:30

The OP is talking about a 2 year old child. Of course I'd put the TV on.

No way would I listen to her cry for an hour, just to win that battle.

grumbleina · 22/03/2015 09:31

Well this thread is quite something isn't it.

Fatty I'm with you. And I understood the grin face.

fattymcfatfat · 22/03/2015 09:34

thanks.
this thread is quite amusing to be honest Grin

it just proves my point that every fecker will have a different view of this!

Psipsina · 22/03/2015 09:38

Ascribing adult behaviours to a toddler doesn't make any sense though. Stubborn means you have a mission and you don't give in easily. It is generally deliberate and conscious and not motivated by necessity.

With a child that age, there is no conscious effort to stick to their plan at all costs (mainly to themselves, in the end) for some sort of gain. They are simply unhappy and they are therefore crying. They need something - not want, need - a want is forgotten within minutes, a need is not.

Four hours of crying indicates a need. We cannot measure their pain or their emotion, all they have is to cry, and all we can do is to try everything possible to stop them crying. Walking away - even if 'popping in' to them - is ineffective, or at least extremely inefficient, at accomplishing this.

I see it as my job to try and minimise the crying done by my preverbal child, as crying indicates he is unhappy. The quicker I can put a stop to it, the better for us both.

To hold out for many hours as some sort of battle of wills is pathetic. What are you trying to prove? That you're bigger than him?

Psipsina · 22/03/2015 09:38

And that's not aimed at one poster - it's aimed at everyone who supports the stance of 'let them cry it out'.

fattymcfatfat · 22/03/2015 09:40

no. I was trying to prove that bedtime means bedtime and no matter how much he kicks off he is not being allowed to play.
it worked.

Psipsina · 22/03/2015 09:42

I disagree. I don't think you proved anything to anyone except yourself.

fattymcfatfat · 22/03/2015 09:43

you can think that if you please. he has never done that since so I proved to him that bedtime is bedtime.

wheresthelight · 22/03/2015 09:46

some of you ought to be ashamed of yourselves!! leaving a child to cry for 4 hours and threatening to kick a toddler out in the garden for hours if they didn't stop crying...Ffs are you people for real?! and you claim to work with kids - i pity your own kids and the ones who are unfortunate enough to have to deal with you in your jibs. utterly disgusting.

op - some battles just aren't worth having and at 2.5 your child is still a baby and needs to be met with love not scorn. stick the tv on and let it slide

fattymcfatfat · 22/03/2015 09:48

thank you very much.
I pity the children that grow up thinking the world revolves around them only to realise when they reach adulthood that their whole lives have been a lie because they are really just the same as everyone else Smile

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 22/03/2015 09:50

I don't understand the 'start as you mean to go on' thing. When you start parenting, it's with a new born. You can hardly teach them that they won't get what they want by crying! You adapt your parenting strategies according to the developmental stage of the child, you don't decide one fixed set of rules that you rigidly enforce from day one.

As a teacher as well as a parent I can tell you there is nothing to be gained from sticking to an unreasonable punishment out of the belief that you must 'follow through' on every threat. You gain much more respect and teach children a much more valuable lesson when you admit to being wrong and follow a fair and reasonable course of action instead. Sticking to something that you all know is unjustified makes children lose respect for your authority very, very quickly.

Psipsina · 22/03/2015 09:51

No, you proved to him (if he was neurologically advanced enough to cognesce this, which I doubt) that no one could help.

fattymcfatfat · 22/03/2015 09:55

what I did was not unjustified as far as I am concerned. it was bedtime, it worked. never had a problem since.
for some parents sitting with their child may feel the best course of action, for others it is not and leaving them to cry it out is.
it is just different parenting styles. everyone has differing opinions on things. if we didnt the world would be a very boring place. we are entirely reasonable in doing what we feel is best for our children no matter how we go about it. (as long as not actually abusive, just to clear that up before anyone jumps on that again)

fattymcfatfat · 22/03/2015 09:56

that at bedtime you sleep, not play. and no I was not going to help him play. it was bedtime.

DishwasherDogs · 22/03/2015 10:00

It's very sad that there are so many people working with dc who come from a point of children being manipulative.
Even sadder that they've managed to persuade parents to believe the same.
Fatty, if you'd got to that point after months of sleepless nights, I'd have some understanding as to why you chose to let your ds cry for 4 hours. As it was a one off (if I've rtft correctly), it's just bloody sad, for your ds, for you and for the fact that we have got to a point where parenting instincts are overridden by the borderline abusive strategies sold to us by "experts".
But you proved a point to a toddler. Well done you.

youarekiddingme · 22/03/2015 10:02

Not a lot to add other than I think fatty has been given a unnecessary hard time here. People picking apart her choices whilst she openly respects others.

Some children are best off left to cry - some aren't.

My DS was left, my friends DD got what she wanted through tantrums. My DS still has asd which was never going to change through my choices and my friends DD has very low self esteem and social/ emotional difficulties - which I beleive have been caused by the fact she's never had to learn disappointment or taking responsibility for her actions. I can assure you her emotional needs have never failed to be met - she was never left to scream - in fact the opposite - her screaming got her extras to make her happy Sad DS has a tantrum, calms himself and then we talk and learn from it and I teach him better ways to behave.
I totally believe children have to learn that sometimes in life they won't like what they have to do. What my job as a parent is is to teach DS what things he has to suck up and what things he absolutely must never feel pressurised to do.

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