I am on day 3 of No Shouting.

[MyCrazyLife]

And I'm so bloody proud of myself!

I hated myself sometimes; I've got three lovely children (5, 3 and 1) and yet I got to the point where I was screaming at them regularly. Ok so in my "defence" it's the holidays, they fight and wind each other up constantly, I get very bad PMT.

But on the other hand, my horrible, abusive mother used to shout and scream at me, everything was my fault, and she would end saying things like "you should be ashamed" ... "You are a horrible bitch that no one likes" etc etc (things that to this day still affect me).

Now I never got that far with my own DC of course; they are all so loved and wanted. But I was terrified I'd turn into her. So after having a horrible day last Thursday, I vowed to stop shouting. They will still be disciplined if naughty, of course - with the Silly Step or toy confiscation etc - but I won't take out my own frustrations on them.

It's the third day, they're all asleep and I haven't shouted since that Thursday. I never thought I'd be able to do this, really hope I can keep it up. If I can, they may never remember the awful screeching mum they used to have.

Anybody else managed to stop?

I might read it again and have a look. I found the format of the teenager one (which is pretty similar) easier iirc.

H said to one of ours 'take your jumper off you must be hot" . I pointed out that he would know at his age when he was hot and be left to make his own decisions! A small eg of letting go a bit, I think.
If they come home and say 'i hate school" rather than dismissing them with ' NOnsense you love school', try just saying ' OH' and then notice the difference in how much they share

Well done! I also had a shouty/angry mother and I shout far, far too much at my DCs. I am going to make a concerted effort to stop. I think a lot of it is not knowing how else to get the message across that their behaviour is unacceptable ... but then problem is that when you shout too much, they ignore it anyway.

Thanks for that article, TeenageMutant

Kablooger, great summary! It's all so much easier to say than do tho. No shouting yet today, although I did get a bit short with DD at breakfast. She was insisting I had to taste how sour the milk on her cereal was whilst I was wrestling DS2 into the booster seat. Helpful.

I liked the reference to "kindling" in mutants article

interesting how many of us had shouty mothers. DH, who isn't shouty much at all (which make it more effective when he does!), says he doesn't remember his parents ever raising their voices at them - and there were 4 of them!!

Btw top tip with adverts for toys "csm we get that please?"

Me "yes. ". They never claimed them!!

I have not had chance to read all this thread but you have motivated me to stop shouting
I am visiting my shouts mum for a few days and I am funding it difficult. We don't have the greatest relationship and it's made worse be course I see myself inher. She is a constant shouter.
I have 2 dds aged 5 and 6 and I know I shout a lot. Reading this thread has made me realise that me biggest problem is that I feel they don't listen but I now realise that they turn off when I shout.
Whilst reading the thread they had a little argument so instead if shouting I calmly asked dd1 why they are fighting and she answered I dint want to tell you as you will just shout.

I honestly feel like I have just seen the light. It is as though been sat here reading mumsnet in my shouts mothers house has finally made the penny drop.

Time to change

Morning all Zen mum's

Going really well here,I shouted at the dog this morning and got told off by ds

I had a shouty Mum too. It's scary isn't it. DH had a violent Dad and when he shouts at the children they look visibly scared which I hate. That's another issue tho and we will work on that together. Hopefully when he sees the difference in me it will help. This thread has been a real wake up call for me - thank you all

Oh god I would love to do this. I am such a short tempered mother at times to my 2 and 3 year old. They are my everything and deserve much better from me. I have become very aware how much I shout and am resolved to do better.

Today going ok. Have survived a toddler group (even with dd1 having a meltdown, being calm meant I found out what was really bothering her very quickly) and dd2's pre and during lunch tantrums as she needs a nap really.

Feeling calm and good. Everything feeling easier without shouting. Still nagging though!!

thinking more about this, and how many of us say it's worse when we have PMT - I'm an older mum, as was my mum (I was 38 when DD was born, she was 36 when I was born) - I must find out when she had the menopause and whether she had PMT before that. I wonder if I'm heading in a peri-menopausal direction (I'm now 43) and if so, I really want to manage it so it doesn't impact detrimentally on DD (or DH!). DH's mum, in contrast, was in her 20s when at least 3 of hers were born.

Basically I'm wondering how much is down to being a shouty person, and how much is hormonally driven? Because we'd need to address those two things differently, wouldn't we? Unfortunately I think I'm a shouty person who gets PMT and might be heading towards the menopause. Oh dear!

i have a blamey mum
ANYTHING has to have a root cause and person to blame, even sometimes an inanimate object

I had a shouty, blamey mum! Well done everyone today, keep it going. Pomme - I feel so calm too. MIL was 35 minutes late to collect the girls today and normally I'm silently raging but I just chilled out and helped the girls play with a train set.

That's another great result from this - because I'm not moaning about everything, the kids are having more fun. DS got a motorised Thomas set for Christmas (from me!!) but as it doesn't fit in his bedroom or the playroom without being stepped in and destroyed, he hasn't had it out the box since Christmas Day :( so I decided screw it, he can have his train set in "my" living room (the nice one, with no toys!) and they've all had loads of enjoyment out of it.

I've no DC until tea time, which is bliss. Hopefully I'll be all refreshed and missing them by then!

RiverTam - I can't answer that, but I'm slightly worried about when PMT rolls round again. However, even though I'm sure I'll be more irritable etc, I'm still going to try to rein in the shouting.

It's so true that children stop listening when you start shouting.

Both my parents were shouty and a touch unpredictable - Mum especially had varying levels of tolerance, so one day you could go so far, but the next day you could go far less before she'd snap and yell, usually "Can't you see I've got a HEADACHE??!" Errr, well no actually, cos there wasn't a sign on your head that said so and this is the first we've heard of it...

I don't want to be that way, which is why I do warn them when I'm already on edge, so they don't have that level of shock when I do blow. But avoiding the "blow up" is the aim of the game!

Dad was more predictable but had a VERY loud voice indeed when he went off.

Today I have only shouted twice, both times when DS1 was simply not listening when I asked him to do stuff that required fast compliance (getting ready for school and after-school activities). I haven't had to shout at DS2 - oh wait, I did have to loudly tell him to STOP! because he was heading into my friend's puddle-ridden back yard with no shoes on - but that wasn't shouting as such. Not the same thing.

Tomorrow is another day and I hope to be better.

Thumb witch - my mum was like yours; her shouting depended on her mood swings, which were probably hormonal, and I think she was depressed at one point, but children don't understand that. I remember her going absolutely silent at dinner time once, as I asked if she was ok... She just picked up our dinner plates and smashed them all over the floor, without one word!!

The warning "shout" I definitely agree doesn't count. In these five days I may well have shouted "stop!" As they ran towards the road or something, but I think that's preferable to being flattened by a bin lorry.

Do you use "threats" or warnings when your DS isn't doing as he's told? Mine often ignore me, but instead of shouting now I'll try to say something like
"We'll you're not going to grandma's then."
"You won't be having pudding after lunch."
"We won't go to see our friends tomorrow."
"You'll be going on the Silly Step." (Changed from Naughty Step!)
They nearly always comply! ;)

hmm, DD often doesn't which is such a bummer. The other day, I can't even remember now what it was about, probably the television being switched off, I told that if she didn't stop pinching/stamping etc she wouldn't get stories at bedtime (this was just before bathtime). She loves her stories so I thought that would work but no, she carried on, which meant I had to carry this out which just made bedtime a total bloody nightmare.

Whether or not the same threat will now work remains to be seen, but I often don't seem to be able to pull a good consequence out of the hat that actually does the trick! Or find a consequence that's actually relevant to the situation at hand.

RiverTam - it may well work now you've actually gone through with it. I promised all mine an ice cream from the ice cream van IF THEY WERE GOOD. I so wanted them all to get it, but DD1 just misbehaved all day. She was very probably testing me. She didn't get an ice cream and cried all the way home, but I'm pretty sure she learnt from that!

This thread is great, I am another shouty mum and I need I stop. I had a full on rant at my DDs aged 6, 5 and 1 (didn't shout at her!) because they were glued to the TV and wouldn't switch it off when I shouted at them to.

I've had all 3 at home over the summer holidays, no family nearby and DH doing crazy long hours including weekends, so no break. I was just getting to the really miserable stage.

Today my friend has taken the older to to her house for a few hours - my first break from them since The holidays began. It's been very intense and shouty and just horrible at home really. I am working in the evenings and have family coming to stay this weekend so just stressed trying to get everything done. Poor girls put the TV on and I go mad at them, even though I'm busy myself and not spending any time with them.

This evening I shall do No Shouting. I'll report back once they are asleep.

Yes, I've used threats to remove treats and privileges on Ds1; they're usually pretty effective. It's when he's not actually hearing me that I tend to shout because it's quicker than walking up to him and standing in front of him to get his attention!

We had a family photo shoot recently and as luck would have it, one of Ds1's friends had invited him over to play straight afterwards. Couldn't have been better for me - I told him he had to play the game at the photo shoot and do as he was told or he wasn't going to friend's! Brilliant.

I wouldnt use threats, they are very negative and often totally unrealistic. My most hated one is " we will tell daddy when he gets home'

DIRE

I would swing it around and promise a reward. I think my rl mate shoppingbagsundereyes did this, I will text her and ask her.. maybe a marble jar.

tommorrows task is to watch your praise to sanction ratio - keep it more praise please!

redandyellowbits

what I would have done in your place with the TV is start something REALLY INTERESTING just where they could sense it going on, then when they came to you just slink teh tv off

Or have a routine where they watch one show or whatever while you have some after lunch quiet time

also redandyellow PLAN your day a bit. dont let it slide into them turning the tv on and you being cross!

So tomorrow - what are oyu doing when? SHARE It with the kids. " we are going to the shops, if you are good we will buy an iced bun and eat it after lunch. After lunch we will all have some quiet time when you can watch xyz and mummy will piss about go on the computer. we will turn it off when programme ends and then we will have Jemima over to play'

so they are part of the deal?

she texted this
'I used pasta pot rewards for years. Praise praise praise and give lots of bits of pasta. Concentrate on only one aspect of behaviour at a time. Don't bother with punishment at all. I've ignored pretty much all bad behaviour for about 4 years. Hardly ever get any now'

Crumbled. Two hours at the hospital for an appointment for me and picking up a prescription for me - an hour the pharmacy took, an hour. The girls were ok up until the last half an hour. I shouted a bit as we got in the car at dd1. Now have to follow through and confiscate her Elsa doll.

Back on track now (i.e. have shoved them in the garden with pushchairs and dolls and am eating a pastry). Off to think about pasta pot and rewards not punishments!