I have just tipped my 3yo Dd1's supper over her head.

[Orchardbeck]

Not one of my finest moments, I have to say. I'm certainly not proud of the fact. She refused to eat it so I calmly tipped it over her head, gravy, the lot.

Dd1 has been refusing to eat meals for some time, I know it is a control issue as we are having other problems (tantrums, ignoring etc etc). I also have Dd2 who is 9 months and eating well (same meals just mashed or chopped well). She just sits there and either makes cheeky comments or shouts over me. I am at the end of my tether.

I make meals that I know Dd1 loves - she was previously an adventurous eater but now just picks and takes hours to finish a meal, and only with coaxing and threats of no pudding etc.

Tonight was sausage casserole, made with home raised pork and vegetables out of the garden, so not only do I feel bad about doing this, it was particularly painful to see it go to waste like that (DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him).

She has now been showered and sent to bed with nothing more to eat. She is very eloquent for her age (3 1/4 yo) and has been from age 1, she used to be so well behaved and a joy to have around.

Obviously I was worried about her reaction to dd2, but she loves her to pieces. She just takes other people off to one side to get their full attention - it can be overwhelming for them sometimes.

I know she is rebelling because I have to dedicate attention to her younger sister, plus my OH is a farmer and works all hours so it's just me looking after them. She goes to pre school 2 mornings per week.

What can I do? Is it a phase? Have I crossed a massive line?

Yes you crossed a line, but then I suspect you're well aware of that. And appalled that your DH apparently supported you on this.

Get counselling. Go to a parenting class. Get some help.

And control your temper. You're supposed to be the adult. Act like one.

Definitely apologise to your little girl tomorrow, and promise her you won't behave like that again.

This really can't be real, can it?
I don't know what to believe these days.
OP, are you for real?

Oh dear. The good thing is, you know it was wrong and you are asking for help on how to deal with this.

It is definitely a control issue, please don't make meal times a battleground, it will get worse. When she messes on, calmly take the food away, if she later complains she's hungry, you can re offer it to her, (obviously reheated and still attractive looking). Get her involved in the food making, homemade pizza - she can add her own toppings, sandwich - let her add her own fillings, spaghetti Bol- let her add the cheese at the end etc etc.

It is a phase and if you can remain calm, she will come out of it. Try not to take it personally, she doesn't mean it, she's just testing boundaries.

And don't beat yourself up, no it wasn't the right thing to do, but I doubt you'll do it again. Go give her a hid and apologise. Tomorrow is a new day

I dunno -getting a food refusing toddler to eat without losing your grip is quite hard. Maybe not rocket science but not easy either There has to be a line though and the op has to know this wasn't ok which I hope she does.

That was a horrible horrible thing to have done.
What exactly do you think your behaviour is likely to teach your child?

You should be bloody ashamed of yourself and I hope you realised that and said sorry to her before she went to sleep, but something tells me that you didn't.
Poor little girl.

And yes of course OP needs to apologise! She acted terribly and her DD needs to know that OP was wrong and is sorry so that dd knows it isnt ok to repeat the behaviour herself and ao she learns that apologies are sometimes required, even from parents.

Are you feeling ok? Are you feeling great or frayed, tbh I think your extreme reaction is because you are struggling and not just the eating issue. Please talk to your Dr or HV to stop your next over-reaction being something that hurts your daughter.

It does not sound like you are in control (though your post sounds oddly detached emotionally to me)

As a child, if I didn't eat my food, nothing more was offered until the next meal. If I was eating but took a lot longer than everyone else, I was left to finish on my own (within sight but Mum got on with her chores where she could see me). I have done this with my DS, and whilst occasionally he chooses to go hungry, it's rare and he eats whatever he needs, knowing there will be nothing else. My Mum never gave me any attention at all for not eating it, and I am following that model. So far it seems to work. My DH is more anxious about whether our DS eats or not, and funnily enough, he gets played up much more.

From the title, I thought you meant you dropped it by accident.

I've no advice, but I wanted to say it's no the end of the world. Everybody snaps sometimes, you did here. At least you haven't hurt her. At worst, you've shocked her. It's honestly going to be okay.

I get why you did this. It sounds like the kind of thing I'd do when pushed to my limit. However I will say that me and my dad had a similar stand off over a plate of boil in the bag cod in sauce when I was a similar age and I have never forgotten the absolute misery of a) being made to eat it when I really didn't want to and b) the rage emanating from my dad. Don't turn this into a battleground.

Feed your daughter,you cant abuse her like this and leave her hungry too
If you need support you should go see your gp
Im astonished at your bless him minimisation that your husbands supports your outburst

Maybe you two need parenting class to understand managing stress and not abusing a child

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4733518

Here is the link I referred to earlier which I didn't post correctly. The author focuses on giving the child control over what they eat as a way of dispelling frustration. If they don't want to eat, that's fine, but they must sit at the dinner table and join in with fanily time. Most of the time, the child will end up relaxing and eating something.

Please someone tell me this is a wind up.

DM did this to db once. From the age of about 2.5 he refused all veg, potatoes and anything healthy. When he was 5 she snapped one day, slammed her cutlery onto her own plate and smashed if after db said "I'm not eating this muck" and pushed his head down into his meal. He was covered on it and crying and he was then put in the bath with his clothes on. It was horrible.

He did eat all his food after that although but I still don't think it was the right thing to do.

I wouldn't advice apologising to her for the incident or talking about it. She is three and only little. She still loves you.

Not sure if I understand the implication here. Because she is little and loves you, you don't have to apologise if you act appallingly badly? The OP should talk to her DD and apologise IMO.

OP doesn't sound that sorry it must be said.

My DD is 6 and a bit of a food refuser...so fucking what?? She's fine! Unless your DD is underweight, you need to look CLOSELY at your behaviour and if she IS underweight you need a doctor for her and a psychologist for yourself.

I've had SIX years of not eating much with DD and I have NEVER felt the urge to do as you did.

I have a threenager and I understand the frustration. I've had to physically haul her into school to pick up DD2 and I'm sure everyone thinks I'm hurting her and being awful.

I sometimes have mini-daydreams where I punch her really hard in the face. I obviously don't, or pour food over her head but I get how you could be wound up that much. You must have felt yourself getting wound up and you need to pick a symptom that you know is before your snapping point mine is teeth grinding and walk out the room before you snap.

In my experience anger is a part of my daily parenting life. I think it is for a lot of people but we don't talk about it.

Have I crossed a massive line?

The fact you have to even fucking ask.

She is 3. It doesn't matter that she is eloquent. She is so young and emotional immature.

That was a horrible disgusting thing to do.

You say she's articulate and eloquent? Do you also realise that if she tells this story to a member of staff at say, nursery or preschool or other formal childcare setting, they'll be obliged to record a child protection/child safe guarding incident?

We had our battles with a fussy eater believe me, ds2 never ate a piece of fruit or vegetable until he was 3.5yo. But to physically assault him? No, over my dead body.

It's already been said but this really really is not right.

She's a little person, I wouldn't treat my dog like that. I would urge you to seek help with your emotional state, and your husband needs to take a look at himself also.

I'm [shocked] and :( by this, OP. We all lose control at times, but this was an awful thing to do.

The OP isn't going to come back when everyone is just piling in to say how terrible she is.

I sometimes have mini-daydreams where I punch her really hard in the face

Er no.