I have just tipped my 3yo Dd1's supper over her head.

[Orchardbeck]

Not one of my finest moments, I have to say. I'm certainly not proud of the fact. She refused to eat it so I calmly tipped it over her head, gravy, the lot.

Dd1 has been refusing to eat meals for some time, I know it is a control issue as we are having other problems (tantrums, ignoring etc etc). I also have Dd2 who is 9 months and eating well (same meals just mashed or chopped well). She just sits there and either makes cheeky comments or shouts over me. I am at the end of my tether.

I make meals that I know Dd1 loves - she was previously an adventurous eater but now just picks and takes hours to finish a meal, and only with coaxing and threats of no pudding etc.

Tonight was sausage casserole, made with home raised pork and vegetables out of the garden, so not only do I feel bad about doing this, it was particularly painful to see it go to waste like that (DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him).

She has now been showered and sent to bed with nothing more to eat. She is very eloquent for her age (3 1/4 yo) and has been from age 1, she used to be so well behaved and a joy to have around.

Obviously I was worried about her reaction to dd2, but she loves her to pieces. She just takes other people off to one side to get their full attention - it can be overwhelming for them sometimes.

I know she is rebelling because I have to dedicate attention to her younger sister, plus my OH is a farmer and works all hours so it's just me looking after them. She goes to pre school 2 mornings per week.

What can I do? Is it a phase? Have I crossed a massive line?

She's going to pick up the bowl and dump it over her own head tomorrow ... brilliant new game.

Put it behind you, OP. If she doesn't eat tomorrow, offer bread and butter. if she doesn't eat that, just leave it till the next meal / morning.

Good luck.

Im astonished and sad at the some of the minimisations.children deserve respect too

I'm guessing by now that if you're still reading this then you've got the message.

The point is though, painful as I'm sure it is, you really do need to read the posts on here and properly take them in. It isn't hysterical overreaction. (Well not yet anyway, it depends how much longer it goes on.) What you did really is quite shocking.

I understand your frustration, a lot of us do. My DS is 2.9 and recently ate his first hot meal in over a year. He mainly lives on humus and crackers.

She's only 3yo. She's learning how to push your buttons. As she gets older she's going to do it more not less. You can't 'nip it in the bud', it's what kids do.

What you absolutely have to do is look at your own anger. Why you felt so strongly about a bit of left over food. Why you were so overcome with frustration that you lashed out so horribly. Why could you you not cope with a simple power struggle.

If you posted about it on here then you already have your doubts about what happened. You were right to ask, even though the answers may be painful to read. If I were you I'd utilise the wealth of experience on here and ask for advice on how to make sure you that next time she pushes ones one of your buttons you deal with it productively and are never even close to repeating this kind of situation.

We all fuck up, none of us get it right all the time. The important thing is that we learn from our mistakes and don't repeat them.

Op, please don't let the people here escalating this one incident into some big massive drama get to you. It was one incident. It was one mistake. To give you some perspective, my first serious boyfriend had a lovely Mum. I would have loved her to be my Mum. She adored her boys and displayed this openly. When my boyfriend was a toddler her scribbled on a wall in the living room she ha d freshly painted. She was so frustrated she kicked him. She's still a great mum.
It is very easy for people to be judgy from their armchairs. I am sure it makes them feel better about themselves. Their motivation sure ain't to help your daughter or you or they would be offering a bit more advice and a bit less condemnation.

I was having concerns about my four year old DD's eating recently, or more worryingly, how I was reacting to it (inwardly, not so much outwardly).

I found a counsellor and started talking. It has been both effective and enlightening. Much, much more about me than DD. Her eating hasn't changed (much), but I certainly have and I'm in a much better place to deal with the next challenge.

I think you need to get in touch with your HV or GP.

Also think that if anyone is having daydreams about punching their dc they should get help for that.

Abuse is a strong word.
Some people shout, some people smack, some people hurt their children's feelings with horrible words and damage their confidence over a long period of time or show very little love, that's abuse.
OP made her child messy and probably shocked her a bit. I'd genuinely doubt the food was hot if it had sat on the table long enough to wind OP up.

Agree with others OP to remain calm, don't show dd that you even are that bothered if she eats or not, just offer nothing else if she doesn't.

If you must tip the leftovers on her head just give her a sandwich to start with.

That is unbelievable.

Child abuse and no fucking excuses.

Wtf! Is this real? Even more so are the posters saying 'never mind dear, tomorrow's another day' real?? I'm not sure who I find worse, the OP or the people who seem to want to pass this off as something and nothing. Considering MN is so anti smacking I find this endlessly worse than a child getting a smack on the hand. The thought of a three year old sitting there in shock after having food poured over their head by their own parent while the other parent sits there and backs them up makes me feel quite sick really. Totally unacceptable and you should be fucking ashamed of yourself. The fact that you seem to see it as a bit of a non issue yourself and are justifying your behaviour is unbelievable. If I'd done something liked this, and believe me I'm far from the perfect parent and have lost my rag, I'd feel ashamed of myself and would be trying to rectify the situation not sending my child to bed in disgrace.

Oh OP please please don't let the mumsnet perfect people get you down. Ok it was bad but ffs this is not child abuse and your dd is just fine.

Think about the support you might need but you're doing fine in hard circumstances.

I think some of the other posters on this thread are being positively ridiculous and very nasty to a clearly upset and vulnerable OP. Shame.

three year olds have no concept of humiliation or they wouldn't fart, wet themselves, pick their noses and do various other foul things in public

Oh FFS. So because someone has no concept of humiliation it's okay to do something to them that's humiliating? So you're not familiar with the whole Winterbourne View debacle and the arrests there?

I also had an eloquent eldest child (still do, but now she is 8 and eloquent, rather than 2) when my 2nd was born, and I did expect too much sometimes - sometimes it was a good thing, as she met my expectations a lot and gained self esteem doing so (my youngest now is 3 and I am concious I probably forget he isn't a baby, for all he is pretty eloquent too, he is just so much smaller than the other 2!).

However you are probably not actually having unusual problems with your DD from what you describe - she is behaving exactly like a 3 year old (they just do tantrum and push your buttons, its in their job description).

Unless she is malnourished just stop trying to make her eat - you are making that issue worse by spending an hour trying to coax her it eat! You are also probably storing up food issues for the future - lots of eating disorders stem from feeling the only thing you can control is your food intake. Just calmly give her the food, eat with her and your other DD, when you and small DD2 are finished DD1 can get down too, whether she has eaten or not. No other food before bed except wither re-offer dinner or fruit - up to you which.

You need to take a step back and not let your emotions about the home raised meat and garden veg rule - meal times needn't, and shouldn't, be a stressful battle and she doesn't have to eat dinner if she doesn't want it (gasp) - let yourself accept that and life will get instantly easier.

Blimey I missed that one about mini daydreams.

Abuse is a strong word.yes.and this was physical abuse perpetrated by mother

I would do prison time for what I would do to someone if I saw them do that.
Do yourself and your child a favour and get some help.

X-post.
Very glad you're still reading.
Help is available, please don't feel too afraid or embarrassed to ask for it.

I cant believe you did that and then sent her to bed with nothing to eat as if she was in the wrong.

elfy the imp is about thinking doing the wrong thing but not actually doing it. Mentioning punching a kid so casually - surely the imp is a shocking thought?

Hmm in my experience some 3 year olds, particularly girls are really political and into pushing boundaries and power and influence! Didn't really have terrible twos but three was very hard.

three year olds don't have things like work, washing, bills etc to worry about. Some of mine really seemed to focus on how to wind us up, especially if I was busy. Seeing mum with steam coming out of her ears was interesting/fun.

Our catchphrase at the time was 'pick your battles'. We tried to let things go where possible but then really see it through if we did make a stand (eg with a car seat).

I can remember practising time out - not with the kids, they found ways of sabotaging, but for myself, walking away, counting to 10 etc

It is hard to be calm and consistent when you are knackered but there is no point fighting over food both in terms of long term issues but also if you do have a political child you cannot make them eat so it will be a losing battle. If the child has got fussy and anxious about food then trying to make them eat will just backfire.

My political 3 year olds are much older now. They are very emotionally perceptive and have great social skills. The 3 year old battles were them practising their relationship skills! Try to remember this will pass.

Don't minimise it by doing that tomorrow's a new day thing. And not sure what her eloquence has to do with it. It wouldn't be ok if she was five.

Next step is talking to someone, GP whoever.

OP - I love to cook. I was obsessed with getting a huge variety of foods into my kids. I have a daughter who is 10 and when she was small she barely ate a thing but she obviously ate enough as she is still here. Suddenly she started eating bigger portion and more variety. Last week she asked for cheese on toast twice. For years she wouldn't eat that having eaten it fine before.

Kids are complex characters and will never stay the same or do the same thing. Hang in there. Try not to mix love with food as I did. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you if she doesn't eat your food. Just keep going with the good, tasty food. Tomorrow give her whatever you planned, not chicken nuggets. Fine once in a while but ime kids will eat healthy stuff then when they get nuggets etc they are less willing to go back to the nice fish pies, casseroles sometimes. I am sure everyone has, or knows someone, who worries about what their kids haven't eaten and then give them crisps or biscuits for example just so they eat something.

I think it is a control issue, but it's your control and your issue which is the problem.

I note you are happy to send her to bed hungry on your terms and you don't hesitate to waste food in order to express your frustration or teach her a lease on or whatever. So it's clearly not just about her eating or wasted food; an element of this is about her not complying with your idea about what and when she should eat, and how she should respond to your home cooked meals. Your beliefs about these things are obviously at odds with the actual reality of her appetite. You need to reappraise your beliefs, not humiliate your 3 year old into compliance with them.