I have just tipped my 3yo Dd1's supper over her head.

[Orchardbeck]

Not one of my finest moments, I have to say. I'm certainly not proud of the fact. She refused to eat it so I calmly tipped it over her head, gravy, the lot.

Dd1 has been refusing to eat meals for some time, I know it is a control issue as we are having other problems (tantrums, ignoring etc etc). I also have Dd2 who is 9 months and eating well (same meals just mashed or chopped well). She just sits there and either makes cheeky comments or shouts over me. I am at the end of my tether.

I make meals that I know Dd1 loves - she was previously an adventurous eater but now just picks and takes hours to finish a meal, and only with coaxing and threats of no pudding etc.

Tonight was sausage casserole, made with home raised pork and vegetables out of the garden, so not only do I feel bad about doing this, it was particularly painful to see it go to waste like that (DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him).

She has now been showered and sent to bed with nothing more to eat. She is very eloquent for her age (3 1/4 yo) and has been from age 1, she used to be so well behaved and a joy to have around.

Obviously I was worried about her reaction to dd2, but she loves her to pieces. She just takes other people off to one side to get their full attention - it can be overwhelming for them sometimes.

I know she is rebelling because I have to dedicate attention to her younger sister, plus my OH is a farmer and works all hours so it's just me looking after them. She goes to pre school 2 mornings per week.

What can I do? Is it a phase? Have I crossed a massive line?

I think you need to detach your emotions from this situation. The food was not wasted. It was grown and cooked for her. She just chose not to eat it. That's not waste. Waste would be it going off before cooking.

Plan and cook normal meals. Offer her the meal with everyone else. If she chooses not to eat, so be it. Cover it and if she asks for food again then offer it again. If she doesn't eat, she goes to bed hungry. That is her choice.

Remain calm and don't engage.

Tonight, pour some and put it behind you. A bad day. Tomorrow will be better.

I appreciate and share the reactions people are expressing but 20 posts in I reckon the OP has already got the idea of where she's at. I think it would be great (wearing bossy prefect hat ) if folks can ease off on the very much justified indignation. This OP needs help and support to manage better. If we drive her away now it's not going to be good for anybody least of all the child.

Your dh supported you?

It's certainly not your finest hour.

What to do now is to, relax and back off about the eating. Don't try yo force your DD to eat what you give her. Don't get angry when she refuses food. Ask her to have a try and let her decide whether to eat or not. Take the pressure off and it'll get better for everyone.

You could also try involving her more in the meal planning/prep, to give her more of a sense of control over what she eats. You can also try serving more self-assembly type meals, where she gets to choose from the options on the table and make her own meal. My children have always loved doing this. Things like tacos (I buy the flour tortilla kind, but the crispy ones will do too) with a choice of fillings that can be assembled at the table. Or baked potato with choice of filling. Or you can get her to make her own pizza by choosing (and putting on the toppings).

This might mean that your DD2 gets different food to DD1, but that could also be a good thing. DD1 could see that as her getting 'big girl food' while her sister gets 'baby food'.

Oh my goodness, there are quite a few issues to unpick here in both your DD's behaviour and your anger, but never having been in that situation I don't think I'm best placed to advise.

This is a very interesting blog on the subject of meal refusal though and may give you some food for thought. Tipping a plate of food over your DD's head is humiliating and imo will store up further problems with her behaviour and your relationship rather than ease them.

m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4733518

x posted with several posts doing exactly what I was suggesting!

My own personal threenager is also a crap eager, a previously brilliant eater of everything too. He is 'insufficient in iron and vitamin d, and his diet is now down to a few things - most of them beige.

It is immensely worrying and frustrating, under the advice of his paediatrician we give him the usual, take away anything unbeaten and try not to get upset by it.

I just can't imagine a scenario where I would resort to this, I think it's utterly foul. I'm sorry because clearly I know how stressful it is, I just wonder what it was you thought you might achieve, or whether it was just totally neat of the moment.

Anyway. Sorry, hope it improves for you soon. I think you just need to keep calm and keep trying.

Mine have gone through phases of fussiness and difficult eating. I have worked hard to calmly ignore and appear not to care. It works and they both eat well again (at the moment).

Mine drive me bonkers but I wouldn't dream of doing something like this - was it loss of control? Or you thought it would make the point? Or what?

I cannot imagine sending a tiny child to bed on no food, following having her dinner showered off her. The whole situation sounds awful and very sad.

Whilst I appreciate you need to parent together, I don't actually think your DH 'backing you up' in this situation is a good thing.

Have you tried contacting your hv for support around the food issues?

God really, what a thing to do. Not good at all, your poor dd.

Involving her in cooking is an excellent strategy and one I've used. By the time the food gets to the table offspring is all puffed up with pride and forgets to strop.

How awful.
And isn't half sevenish a bit late for a 3 year old to be having dinner?

I'd go ballistic if my ex had ever done something like this to our dcs. Back them up? Are you taking the piss?

OMG, have just seen the dh bit and the child being sent to bed with no tea.
my dh would go mental if I had done this, he's just as bad as the OP.
You should both be ashamed and disgusted with your behaviour.
I hope somebody reports you both.

I think you've been harshed on a bit here. You are managing two young children pretty much by yourself if your dh is working long hours ( I listen to the archers! I know what it is like!). You lost it and you know it. You are human and we all make mistakes.

I think the advice about not making food an issue and taking it away if not eaten is good.
The comment about being an abusive mother based on this one incident is laughably absurd.

Yes you have crossed a massive line! My 3 year old rarely eats her evening meal, sometimes she will have a bite or two, mostly nothing though... I just leave her to it, she eats well earlier in the day.

If you make food a battle you will lose, unless you plan to force feed her.

Oh for god's sake, some of the goody two shoes on this thread!!!!

OP, of course you know it wasn't great but you are only human, your dd will be just fine and no harm done.

But I do think you are creating a battle ground. You just have to try and rise above it and not engage in the mind games. Don't coax or beg, just leave her to it and no pudding or alternative meals if she doesn't eat it.

Will she drink milk btw? You can get a lot of good stuff in to them if they will simply eat a big bowl of cereal or have a glass of milk in the morning. Kind of reduces the pressure on the rest of the day.

I can understand your frustration but seriously you did this?

And your dh was alright about it?

Your poor dd

You need to find a parenting course pronto, don't make mealtimes a battle - put food down, talk about something else and remove food without comment after 30mins. Give pudding as normal.

Its not rocket science.

I think you really need some outside help OP. Do you have a sympathetic HV? A local children's centre that runs parenting support?

Hmm I think everyone is being a bit harsh towards you. She would hardly be scalded as I'm guessing you gave her some time to eat the food.
I agree try not to to make food a battle but sometimes that hard. I have a very picky 9yo Ds.I would suggest limiting food to 3 meals a day with a small snack morning and evening. Drinks should be water etc and try to avoid milk or too many drinks before meals. My Ds will fill himself up with water if he doesn't like the dinner I have made.
Give her the lunch/dinner you have prepared and if she won't eat it just calmly remove it and allow her to get down from the table. But no pudding or extra snacks after the main meals and the two snacks she is allowed a day.
I'm sure you do this anyway but a good walk each day to build up an appetite.
Other ideas I have seen suggested are to allow the child to help them selves from serving dishes and to reduce the size or portions.
I wouldn't advice apologising to her for the incident or talking about it. She is three and only little. She still loves you.

Disgusting

So many typos in my last post. I was trying to say, the OP wouldn't have posted here if she thought she'd done the right thing. She is looking for advice.

Hmm. So you assault your child and then your dh supports you on it? Classy pair. Imagine if you'd done this to an adult.

If this is real then your poor kids :(

Goody two shoes? for not applauding a parent dumping hot food over their child? Really? What's wrong with you?