I have just tipped my 3yo Dd1's supper over her head.

[Orchardbeck]

Not one of my finest moments, I have to say. I'm certainly not proud of the fact. She refused to eat it so I calmly tipped it over her head, gravy, the lot.

Dd1 has been refusing to eat meals for some time, I know it is a control issue as we are having other problems (tantrums, ignoring etc etc). I also have Dd2 who is 9 months and eating well (same meals just mashed or chopped well). She just sits there and either makes cheeky comments or shouts over me. I am at the end of my tether.

I make meals that I know Dd1 loves - she was previously an adventurous eater but now just picks and takes hours to finish a meal, and only with coaxing and threats of no pudding etc.

Tonight was sausage casserole, made with home raised pork and vegetables out of the garden, so not only do I feel bad about doing this, it was particularly painful to see it go to waste like that (DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him).

She has now been showered and sent to bed with nothing more to eat. She is very eloquent for her age (3 1/4 yo) and has been from age 1, she used to be so well behaved and a joy to have around.

Obviously I was worried about her reaction to dd2, but she loves her to pieces. She just takes other people off to one side to get their full attention - it can be overwhelming for them sometimes.

I know she is rebelling because I have to dedicate attention to her younger sister, plus my OH is a farmer and works all hours so it's just me looking after them. She goes to pre school 2 mornings per week.

What can I do? Is it a phase? Have I crossed a massive line?

Chilly don't start getting sexist with the whole especially girls bull.

The girl was 3.

Bloody hell.

OP take this as a wake up call.

elfy I have the same. Just to reassure.

I'd recommend the book "What Mothers Do". Those mini daydreams are so, so common.

Once I had to follow through on something ridiculous I had threatened my 3 year old (don't worry, it didn't hurt her in any way - it wasn't done to her) Two years later she now remembers it still, we laugh about it, and it did prove the point that once you say something, you have to follow through...

I truly feel for the OP and hope she gets the support she needs. It is a hard job.

It is hard when you have a child that won't eat. I'm now into hour 3 of trying to convince my youngest to have his dinner - he hasn't had anything since 1pm.

The only meal I know for certain that he eats is breakfast, he has a packed lunch at nursery and only picks at that most days. He'd actually happily go to bed without eating anything.

It really is a pain, and extremely frustrating at times.

I get that you're stressed and its really good that you realise that this is a problem.
I don't get your DH.
He just meekly, goes along with it?!
Wtaf!

Orchardbeck I do think you need to get help with this. Help with both managing your stress levels and your parenting. You are attributing motivations to your 3 year old that are really not there. It's not a control issue- certainly not consciously. And it can't BE a control issue if you don't let it get to you.

She will eat when she's hungry. She doesn't have to eat at every meal time. She doesn't have to clear her plate. Put a small amount on her plate. Put the plate in front of her. Focus attention on your DD2 or make random conversation. If DD1 eats, offer her more. If she doesn't eat, take it away after half an hour with no comment. If you only serve up (very) small portions, then the waste will be minimal.

I come down on the side of this was abusive behaviour, tbh. Its not helpful to minimize it because op needs to understand that it cannot happen again.

If, for instance, my dh was pissed off with me and he tipped my dinner over my head, I would divorce him.

It's not daydreams as such... More a little moment of thinking about it. It's not a problem as I don't, I am kind and understanding to my children, with friends commenting on how patient I am.

I also get angry and know when to walk away from situations not only those involving my family. Which is what I was advising the OP needs to identify within herself.

I never tell my children I want to hit them! The imp is only a thought. I never said I hit my children. I don't. I said it it was a thought, a daydream where I think of doing it but never will

OP please don't beat yourself up over this. Yes it was drastic and something I'm sure you wont be rushing to repeat but we do all make mistakes and i believe we are all just muddling through parenthood trying to do the least damage possible on the way through. I don't think you'll have done any lasting damage, apologise, remember she's 3 and move on. Sounds like you're doing a grand job dealing with the 2 dc while your h is working all hours, the stress has got to you and you're only human. For what its worth i have terrible trouble with my dd aged 2 - my approach is to stay relaxed about it. If she doesn't want her food i just keep it breezy act like its no big deal , and take it away when her brother has finished his (he adores food) and I actually do still offer pudding because id prefer not to use any kind of food to barter with. But that's just my preference. She probably eats 50% of dinners i give her. Good luck!

This is so sad.
OP obviously thinks that as her child has a good vocabulary that she is functioning at an equivalent intellectual and emotional level.

Time and again I see this on MN.
Is it because nobody reads anything anymore? Is it all texting and mobile phone games?

The biggest factor in child abuse is unrealistic expectations of a child's understanding/development/behaviour. I was taught this over 30 years ago when studying developmental psychology.

I wish everyone had to read at least one parenting book before becoming a parent.

OP what you did was wrong and will teach your child nothing.

Yes I get that it was a thought. But it should shock you? You don't seem shocked. And also I thought imps were implusive hence the name. Not a stop and take a moment to think kind of thing.

Anyway I digress as I'm sure they are impulsive.

Firstly, at least you know it's a fucking awful thing you've done. How is dd1?

Please don't make a big deal out of meal times, if se wants to take an hour to eat something, ignore and let her get on with it. With a little sister, how much more attention id she getting when being 'Bad' at mealtimes compared the the rest of the day?
Is she the same when you eat out?

Phone your HV tomorrow, ask for help. And set some ground rules with DH so nothing like this happens again!

To the op.
You have got the flaming which I think you know you should have got. And there is some help mixed in there too.

Lets start again.
Make sure you say sorry to your daughter. And you husband should too.

You do need some help and support for yourself too.

Could she go to preschool a bit more often. She would probably enjoy it and it would give you extra time?
[I understand the farmer working long hours bit]
[I suspect you never get holiday either]
Can for instance a granny look after them all for a few days, so that you can go off by yourself for a few days to give yourself some space?

Horrible thing to do, yes, totally over the top, absolutely.

But, what can you do? You have to start again tomorrow.

There's a great book OP called "When Your Kids Push Your Buttons". It even has direct reference to food struggles. It's a very very common issue and extremely emotive.

You need to take control for your DD's sake. Don't let her childhood be a series of incidents like this.

Woah I've only read the first page and I'm shocked, I thought this place was supposed to be supportive?! Has no-one ever gotten to that point before? If you say no I call bullsh*t.

First of all, I presume that no matter how angry Orchard was, she would have ensured there was no way her child could be hurt by her actions. I'm guessing if the child had spent X amount of time pushing food around the plate refusing to eat it, it would have cooled considerably.

Secondly, having experienced something similar as a teenager I don't condone it, I would apologise and explain that you had a very bad day and took it out on her. Say that you were wrong and that it won't happen again. Then ask her what foods she likes to eat at the moment and write them down, try getting a chart made up with her so she can see what you will make for her and explain if she doesn't eat it, she will go to bed without any dinner OR dessert.

I have all this to come, and you have my deepest sympathy. I have a 3 month old who tonight is being very difficult to get to sleep and DH works evenings so no help either. I understand completely your level of frustration and all I can say is try to find a way to calm down and don't berate yourself too much over it.

i can remember how frustrating it is to put so much effort into a meal for the kids who then won't eat it
I used to go to the butcher for organic beef to make her annabel karmel's beef and sweet potato casserole, it was delicious. dd refused it. fish in cheese sauce, all homemade from scratch, nope.
give her some spaghetti hoops from a tin, gobble gobble gobble.

OP - put less effort in for a while. don't let food be a battleground. All you can do is offer food and don't let her fill up on rubbish. if she's hungry then only apples, carrots, a yoghurt (1 a day), chunk of cheese, cooked chicken etc. as snacks, not crisps, biscuits or juice (just water) until she is eating well. DD1 is now 10 and i still remember these stressful times. she still won't eat bolognaise, casseroles etc i think she has bad memories of this food!!

If a DH did this to his wife or witheld food then she would be told to LTB due to the abuse. Yet when its a child so many seem to think its fine.

If your daughter repeats what happened to nursery then the safeguarding will kick in. You need to get help. It doesnt matter if it was cold food, she is just a child not wanting to eat tea. Poor thing.

Leave him then MsBuumble?

Put some snacks on a table he can reach,get him ready for bed. If he wants any he will ask.

It sounds like you are at the end of your tether. Do you have any friends or family who could come round and help so you can have a break (particularly over mealtimes)?

I can say with 100% truth i have never dumped food on my child i'm sure i'm not alone in that.

MrsDeVere the eloquence thing is about forgetting how young a child is when they express themselves like an older child.

I know I treated my DD as older than she was sometimes because of how well she expressed herself, though it is also just an eldest child thing I think, as obviously a talkative 3 year old seems like a "big" child compared to a 9 month old, where the 9 month old will seem "little" at 3 compared to her 5 or 6 year old sister by then... Sometimes we attribute more "grown up" motivations to a very verbal child who sounds a bit precocious, when in fact they may be no more mature than the same age child still lisping cutely in ungrammatical 2 or 3 word phrases.

What do you think would help here?

You need support- do you need your DH to take over meal times?
I honestly think you need to speak to someone professional about this.

I had a food refuser. For 14 months he ate cheese, bread, crackers and tangerines. That was literally it.

I really never came close to throwing dinner on his head, so clearly there needs to be some strategies put in place here.

Telling her the origins of the food is not going to help. Screaming, shouting, throwing, is not going to work.

If you really cannot be calm about this you need to step back and let DH deal with dinner time whilst you address your issues and come up with some coping strategies so you stay calm.