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Original poster

I don't want to be a SAHM any more, now what?

172 replies

fedthefuckupnowwhat · 20/03/2014 15:39

I regret having kids, but that ship has sailed.

I've got a 3yr old and a 2yr old. I've also got anxiety & depression. I'm a SAHM. Some days are okay, but gradually, over time, I've sunk into a mundane existence that no one is enjoying. I can't interact with my own kids. I don't know how. It just doesn't come natural to me. I don't enjoy being in their company. I am miserable and they know it.

DH works from 8am till 6pm. He earns too much to enable my 2 year old to get any childcare.

I'd rather work than live like this but I'm not trained to do any specific job. And childcare would gobble up any wages anyway.

I'm at a very low point. I hate myself for feeling this way. I thought I would be a good mum. I couldn't have been more wrong. :(

I'm sitting here crying and the kids are looking at me. Normally I'd try to hide but I've lost the will.

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givemeaclue · 20/03/2014 15:45

Sorry you feel this way, could you see your gp about the depression? Doesn't sound like you are ready for job market at moment. Hope you can get some help

Giveusabreakplease · 20/03/2014 15:50

I agree and I went to the gp I'm now on tablets but it has helped to see things more clearly, it's hard having children I won't deny that but a unhappy Mum unhappy children.

You have realised there is a problem and you can change it sort your anxiety and depression out then you can look at job when you are better.

You are a good mum as you do care you would not be on here if you did not care .

toomuchtooold · 20/03/2014 15:53

You sound totally hacked off with the whole situation. Two kids under three is hard, and with one year apart it must have been hard for a while (I have twins and the only people I have any sympathy with (other than mums of triplets, dear god) are people who had their kids a year apart. The older one is basically still a baby and then once the younger one starts getting a bit bigger and harder to deal with, the older one is approaching the terrible twos...

What did you do before the kids? Could you go back to that?

I'm going back to work in a couple of weeks, 3 days a week (my twins are 22m) and it'll basically pay the nursery and my train fare. I don't care though as I've done the SAHM thing and it's not for me. I'm glad I tried it and I think the wee one benefited but I don't enjoy it and since they went into nursery (and I've been living a life of leisure running errands and getting things ready for going back) I've felt more like myself again.

Is your older one in nursery now? It might get better then?

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Original poster
fedthefuckupnowwhat · 20/03/2014 15:54

I'm already on depression meds.

then you can look at job when you are better.

I can't get better looking after these kids :(

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craftynclothy · 20/03/2014 15:55

I found that when my dc were younger it wasn't financially worthwhile me going to work (we'd have been paying for me to do so) but instead I used the time to start retraining. At the ages your kids are I think it's the hardest time for a SAHM because I found it reached that relentless stage. Once they got their 15 funded hours it got easier.

Have you thought about doing some courses or similar? Any idea what sort of job you'd like to go back to?

givemeaclue · 20/03/2014 15:57

Go back to your gp and say you don't feel better
Speak to health visitor re not coping with kids
Tell your dh how you feel
Do you go out e.g to toddler groups, meet up with friend etc?

Could you spend a day at the weekend without the kids?

Seriously, being a sham would not be for me, I would be doolally, it doesn't make you a bad person, you just need some help to get out this rut. Do you have anything to look forward to like a holiday

Mrswellyboot · 20/03/2014 15:59

OP I feel for you. I would definitely get back out there to work (but get into avoid place before )

Also can you do anything for yourself in the meantime. Ie. book hair for early Saturday morning. Batch cook meals (even use microwave rice) to free up time for you to relax

I would do a course but check out the local papers and see what employment is a available.. What about volunteering in a local school and trianing to be a Classroom Assistant?

I am on ML and it is lonely sometimes. I have found being off work has made me over think things and I am better keeping busy and mixing.

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Original poster
fedthefuckupnowwhat · 20/03/2014 15:59

What did you do before the kids? Could you go back to that?

I graduated from a law degree (which put me off law for life) and had kids straight after that.

OP posts:
Mrswellyboot · 20/03/2014 15:59

A good place (not avoid place) typo

Mrswellyboot · 20/03/2014 16:00

PGCE ?

Hotel Management?

Original poster
fedthefuckupnowwhat · 20/03/2014 16:02

Once they got their 15 funded hours it got easier.

Because I decided to stick with the kids' dad, the 2 year old is not entitled to any free childcare. If I split with DH, then I'd get the childcare. WTAF.

free up time for you to relax

Relax with the kids around?

OP posts:
Ecclefechan · 20/03/2014 16:04

OP - you are not a bad mum. Going back to work may help you enjoy the time you spend with them. Tell your DH that he needs to help you sort this out NOW.

craftynclothy · 20/03/2014 16:04

You'll get the 15 hours when the 2yo turns 3 though.

What about when DH isn't at work? Could you go out to an evening class or the gym or similar, even if it's more for the social aspect.

IHaveSeenMyHat · 20/03/2014 16:04

Being a SAHM to a toddler(s) when you're depressed is bloody awful. I've been there and sometimes I feel like I still am there (depending on how bady my child is behaving!).

I agree that you still sound very depressed.

You're blaming your children for the depression right now and I TOTALLY understand that feeling. But you might find that once the depression is under control, your perspective changes.

Do you have any local family/friends who you could hang out with, so you feel less isolated?

AppleAndBlackberry · 20/03/2014 16:04

Sounds like you could probably do any kind of office job with a law degree so that might be a good place to start if you don't particularly have anything else in mind.

I took a long break after having my 2nd child but I was glad to get back to work after she turned 2, it is really hard work and not always that rewarding being at home with toddlers.

Can you afford to put them in nursery now, maybe 1 day a week to give you the chance to start looking for jobs?

themoneyone · 20/03/2014 16:05

You're not alone - I'm a much better mum since my DC started nursery 3 x a week.
Can you afford to work without making a profit after nursery costs? (I guess your elder child is entitled to the 15 hours). If so, how about office admin through a temping agency?
If not, could you work evenings or weekends while DH looks after them? Shop/call centre/bar?
And while you're getting back on your feet, use the time to think about what you really want to do. And start applying for training - even having a start date for a new course will keep you going.
Hang on in there!

Original poster
fedthefuckupnowwhat · 20/03/2014 16:05

Tell your DH that he needs to help you sort this out NOW.

What should I suggest to him?

OP posts:
themoneyone · 20/03/2014 16:06

Could he look after the DC while you go to the GP? Have them this weekend while you go and stay with a friend? Or even just get a coffee in peace in town?

Original poster
fedthefuckupnowwhat · 20/03/2014 16:06

themoneyone can you train and earn? I don't know how else to justify it :(

OP posts:
themoneyone · 20/03/2014 16:07

Depends on what you want to do. Some NHS jobs pay tuition fees.

themoneyone · 20/03/2014 16:08

And you can justify it as preparing for the future. By the time they're at secondary school, you could be 10 years in to a great career.

Original poster
fedthefuckupnowwhat · 20/03/2014 16:09

Could he look after the DC while you go to the GP? Have them this weekend while you go and stay with a friend? Or even just get a coffee in peace in town?

I do appreciate that you're trying to help me. But the problem isn't when DH is home from work - at least the burden is then shared. My desperation sets in when I'm alone with the kids, for hours on end, every weekday. The sheer guilt and desperation of not interacting with them is killing me from the inside.

OP posts:
Original poster
fedthefuckupnowwhat · 20/03/2014 16:10

Some NHS jobs pay tuition fees.

Which ones?

OP posts:
TheBigBumTheory · 20/03/2014 16:10

Are you unhappy in your relationship? Is your dh supportive?

Your dcs will get easier with time whatever you decide to do.

wishingchair · 20/03/2014 16:12

Childcare is a joint expense that should come out of your combined income. Look at it that way makes it easier to justify. And what's the point of money in the bank if you are all too unhappy to enjoy it.

Do you think your meds could be adjusted a bit to help you out more?

And as for what to suggest to DP ... Why is it for you to have it all sorted. Just open up to him and talk.