I don't want to be a SAHM any more, now what?

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

I regret having kids, but that ship has sailed.

I've got a 3yr old and a 2yr old. I've also got anxiety & depression. I'm a SAHM. Some days are okay, but gradually, over time, I've sunk into a mundane existence that no one is enjoying. I can't interact with my own kids. I don't know how. It just doesn't come natural to me. I don't enjoy being in their company. I am miserable and they know it.

DH works from 8am till 6pm. He earns too much to enable my 2 year old to get any childcare.

I'd rather work than live like this but I'm not trained to do any specific job. And childcare would gobble up any wages anyway.

I'm at a very low point. I hate myself for feeling this way. I thought I would be a good mum. I couldn't have been more wrong. :(

I'm sitting here crying and the kids are looking at me. Normally I'd try to hide but I've lost the will.

[TheBigBumTheory]

Wishingchair

I'm sorry to hear about your dh.

My dad had a brain tumour, it is a horrific disease.

[lotsofcheese]

Thinking of you, OP. I hope things get better for you.

[SolomanDaisy]

This could actually be a good thing. He hated his job, you hate being at home and want to get a job. Now you can start serious job hunting and he can look after the children. Though I understand that he may need time to see it in anything other than a very negative way.

[GoodnessIsThatTheTime]

There is homestart in newcastle. Google Newcastle and homestart and it's the first hit.

Ring them in the morning.
Also ring your hv. They may have support groups you can go to.

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

There's no way I could bring in a fraction of DHS wage :(

There's no home start in Newcastle UPON TYNE.

I'm at a friends. Don't what to do now. I really don't.

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

DHs*

[themoneyone]

Are you staying overnight? Are the kids with grandparents?

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

Kids are with DR as far as I'm aware. Here's the text he send me when I explained I had made the wrong choice being a SAHM and now I have no safety net:

Its not my fault, you're a grown adult

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

With DH*

Stupid phone

[themoneyone]

He sounds like a PITA, sorry!
Are you heading home tonight? Only advice for now is to take it one hour at a time.

[wishingchair]

No idea what home start is but there are sure start children's centres in Newcastle upon Tyne.

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

What will a sure start centre do? We have one in our town.

I'm thinking of phoning the HV tomorrow and telling her everything. What would she likely do?

[wishingchair]

Says they offer family support, also can help with finding work, etc etc. worth a try.

[Dillydollydaydream]

Sorry to hear about your dh job. Hope you can have a proper discussion with him.
He doesn't sound very supportive reading your posts. If he were to stay at home for the time being and you went to work would you be entitled to any tax credits/help towards childcare?

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

I don't think I can just walk into a job with zero experience. His prospects are way better than mine. He's just texted me saying ' Good riddance'

[TheBigBumTheory]

Why did you need to leave? Are you afraid of him? I would be wanting to talk, not text in this situation. Why 'good riddance'? Does he think you've left him?

[TheBigBumTheory]

Sorry if that sounded critical, I just don't understand.

[thinking101]

fed I feel very similar to you at times. Some days I cant wait for my toddler to get to nursery which is a least another year away.

I have been through all this looking at jobs, getting excited planning wardrobe, where Id go for lunch on my own etc to realise I am literally trapped. DH earns the bg money, it would be silly to change this, so we are kind of locked in to our arrangement.

I suffer from mild bouts of depression. Most of all I feel racked with guilt when I stay in do cbeebies and just play on/off while I do jobs or MN.

I have to force myself to get out. Surestart will have groups on you can go to (usually). Other free stuff I do is goto library, park depends on weather. I do find it utterly boring mostly but I have moments where I think aww..

Two weeks ago my toddler was poorly for a week, folowed by myself then DH. I really really wanted to walk out because I couldnt stand it I felt so suffocated, trapped, bored, frustrated.

It has got better with the brighter weather and wehave been out lots more. It has got back to tolerable levels.

You are not alone.
Go to GP
Get out the house
Go to town just to walk about
Maybe later try a group - thought personally I CBA I have enought friends

[Timetoask]

Sorry about the job situation. Does dh have a good chance of finding something else?
As soon as you get some spare money I really urge you to get driving lessons. It gives you so much freedom tone able to get in the car and just go anywhere. I would have gone out of my mind without my car.

[Georgina1975]

I am so sorry for you.

It does really sound like depression...I can very much relate to that feeling of being trapped and the boredom (despair) of being trapped at home in particular. I cannot drive either. I would have given DC away like a shot on some days and I hated my DH all the time. I felt like I had ruined my/our life having DC.

I think the "black dog" started to lift a little after 2 months of treatment. I began to feel significantly better on at 6 months and close family/friends felt I was resurfacing again at about 8/9 months. I felt better on a consistent basis after about 12 months. This is also when I started to bond properly with DC.

How long have you been on your medication and have you received any counselling. You need to be more assertive with the GP. Can you take an advocate (like a friend)?

On the job front. I work in academia and the competition is really tough like all professions. You will need a PhD to be considered for an academic post in most institutions. The competition for funded MA/PhD places is hellish as is the competition for the (ever diminishing) jobs on completion.

Have you thought about entering an academic environment in a professional support capacity? I do not mean this as a lesser option either. Administration can offer a really good career route with more chance of undertaking professional qualifications alongside FT work. You might also get the opportunity to take further academic qualifications if that is what you really want to do.

[RalphRecklessCardew]

Are you in therapy? It can help at least as much if not more than meds.

How are you for toddler groups where you are? The kids get to interact with other kids and carers, you get a semi-break.

You are not a bad person.

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

Shall I phone my HV and ask her to make a visit? Or would this be a waste of time and possibly a mistake?

Georgina, by 'admin' what do you mean? What job do you do? I have a 1st class law degree. I would be a bit disappointed to be in administration if it's what I imagine it to be. Please tell me more.

Re: baby groups, I'm not sure. I'm not feeling very sociable and confident at the moment :( I'd be afraid of bursting into tears.

[honeycrest]

Your DH has just lost his job, cut him some slack , he has got to be feeling like shit too. You need to sit down together and discuss what your best options are. Or leave him if you think he is part of the problem. But you have to do something for your kids sakes if anything. Spending all day with someone who does not interact with them is not a good situation.

[TwelveLeggedWalk]

I think you need to talk to each other. Not arguing, just a frank admission that this is shit for you both, you both feel like you need support, you both feel like you don't have anything left to give, you're both parents, you both need a fresh start on the job front. Today is crappity crap crap. Sleep on it, work on solutions tomorrow. No one is going to solve anything now.

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

Honeycrest don't you think I know that?? I don't want to BE here. What do you suggest? I just leave?