I don't want to be a SAHM any more, now what?

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

I regret having kids, but that ship has sailed.

I've got a 3yr old and a 2yr old. I've also got anxiety & depression. I'm a SAHM. Some days are okay, but gradually, over time, I've sunk into a mundane existence that no one is enjoying. I can't interact with my own kids. I don't know how. It just doesn't come natural to me. I don't enjoy being in their company. I am miserable and they know it.

DH works from 8am till 6pm. He earns too much to enable my 2 year old to get any childcare.

I'd rather work than live like this but I'm not trained to do any specific job. And childcare would gobble up any wages anyway.

I'm at a very low point. I hate myself for feeling this way. I thought I would be a good mum. I couldn't have been more wrong. :(

I'm sitting here crying and the kids are looking at me. Normally I'd try to hide but I've lost the will.

I understand. Some days I start counting the hours until DH is home very early on the day.

One thing it took me too long to learn: I absolutely cannot stay indoors all day with my toddler. We HAVE to get out to break the monotony every day, or I go stark raving mad by mid afternoon.

Do you manage to get out to any toddler groups or activities?

Can you outline what you do each day. I found when I was at home with mine I needed to get out and do something every day even if it was just the park, or a trip to Starbucks. Are your kids good sleepers / good at going to bed? Can you get some time to yourself in the evening or at the weekend? What did you / do you like to do? Reading, cooking etc.

I also found it really, really lonely at time but now they are in school I've made lots of 'mum friends'.

I think every child is entitled to free childcare eventually. link

I can't really interact either, playing with children can be as boring as fuck (but no one admits to it). I let mine potter round me while I did other stuff.

Hugs to you OP. It is so tough looking after young children all day everyday without respite. Many moons ago we used to have extended family and neighbours around to help us, now we are expected to it all alone with no help.

I was lucky in that dh earned enough for us to use a nursery three mornings a week, it was a lifesaver.

Keep strong, and find a way to get into employment. Good luck

And yes it is monotonous and draining if you're in the house on your own with them all day? Do you have friends with kids? Could you take them somewhere?

And don't feel guilty - not everyone finds interacting with kids easy.

Why do you have to justify yourself to your DH?

Tell him how down you feel, that you want to stop being a SAHM, and sit down and work it out together.

Is your dh supportive?

Not really. No. He thinks I 'have it easy' and loves reminding me that it was my idea to have kids in the first place.

And as for what to suggest to DP ... Why is it for you to have it all sorted.

Because it's me that has the problem, not him. So what should I suggest? What could he possible to do 'help'?

I struggle to sit and play with their toys when they're playing imaginary games. But can happily colour or do puzzles etc. Better still would be out for a walk. We'd play I spy but colours not letters when they were little. Best would be somewhere with a friend where kids could run around and we can have a coffee and a chat.

Take one step now.

Pick up the phone, call your GP surgery for an urgent appointment slot in person or on the telephone.

Tell them how you are FEELING about yourself, your situation and how you feeling about your children.

It doesn't matter if you have told them all this before, tell them again now.
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Be gentle on yourself.

Could you take them somewhere?

I wish. The weather is preventing that. I don't drive so everything has to be done on foot. We have terrible storms here at the moment (gale winds, etc). I'm fucking chained to the house with CBeebies and Lego. I just want to slit my wrists.

Well you both have the problem and they're both of your children not just yours.

So I suggest you tell him how you feel. That you need to go back to work.

Lots of healthcare courses have their tuition fees paid, with a small bursary, and if you do it full time you can get a maintenence loan too. There are other grants, but it sounds like your DH's income would mak you ineligible for those.

But poor old DH. What a poor sod. Stuck in an office all day under stress. I really have no right what so ever to complain :(

Learning to drive and getting a car will make the biggest difference to your life.

It doesn't matter if you have told them all this before, tell them again now.

They are fucking hopeless. Honest. I'm not bullshitting. I've been through the GP process more times than I can count.

And HVs are just as useless.

You could agree together that you need to get treated properly for depression, he could come with you to your appointment to support you.

He could have the children at the weekend so you get some time to yourself.

You could talk about things you want to do in the future together, or things you would like to do together in the evenings if you had a babysitter.

You could brainstorm together about your options eg retrain, look for a less challenging job, have the children in nursery one day a week.

But the most important thing is to get on some treatment which works for you.

I know the weather's shit but even 10 mins outside in the wind can make a difference. We have a dog so have to be out in all weathers, and as much as I grumble, I'm glad of it as it forces me out of the house.

it sounds like your DH's income would mak you ineligible for those.

I'm going to have to leave the cunt aren't I?

Tell him that his wife is suffering from depression which is a very real and debilitating illness. It is not only affecting your wellbeing but the children's and, as your husband and their father, he has a responsibility to help you overcome your illness. This will not be done by just taking tablets, you need to have time away from the children during the day to be with other adults.

Together you can look at your budget and find out how you can afford childcare NOW so that you have breathing space during the day to look into studying, re-training, working or volunteering.

I completely sympathise with you, OP, and your DH is a twit for saying you have it easy. He should try coping with two toddlers every single day whilst being ill.

Sorry x posted.

Part of feeling low is that there seems to be no solutions, no hope for the future. This isn't true even though it feels that way.

You need support from people who can see solutions.

And I've been a SAHM and worked in an office in a stressful job. When I went back to work it was a BREEZE compared to being at home all day. So you have nothing to feel guilty about and every right to be depressed.

The minute I try to talk to DH about this, it will erupt into an argument. He hates his job too. He will call me ungrateful and a bitch. Been there.

A few questions OP.

Does you DH understand how you feel?
Is the money he earns enough so that you don't need to work?
Have you worked at all and if so what did you do?

I ask these questions as it is very lonely if your partner can't support you emotionally but he really needs to understand what's going on if he is to support you.

If he earns enough then your earnings really only need to cover the costs of your working ie. childcare, transport, clothing etc. Happy mum = happy family

Finally it doesn't really matter what job you do initially, the change of environment will hopefully get your head in a better place and then you seriously think bout longer term career avenues. Or it maybe that you are not ready for a career but just need a job!

I hope you manage to sort something out.

have you tried Homestart? They're there to help any parent with a child under 5 that is struggling for one reason or another (I had help as I had ill health, others because they have twins and find it hard getting out, other for depression, help playing with kids?)

It sounds like it could be helpful. A trained volunteer comes for a morning a week - they can play with the children and give you ideas, or just come for company once a week. If you told them your OP I'm sure they'd find someone to come once a week.

Part of feeling low is that there seems to be no solutions, no hope for the future.

I know :(

You guys are coming up with solutions but I can always see why they wouldn't work.

When I went back to work it was a BREEZE compared to being at home all day.

He'll never believe that though, will he.