I don't want to be a SAHM any more, now what?

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

I regret having kids, but that ship has sailed.

I've got a 3yr old and a 2yr old. I've also got anxiety & depression. I'm a SAHM. Some days are okay, but gradually, over time, I've sunk into a mundane existence that no one is enjoying. I can't interact with my own kids. I don't know how. It just doesn't come natural to me. I don't enjoy being in their company. I am miserable and they know it.

DH works from 8am till 6pm. He earns too much to enable my 2 year old to get any childcare.

I'd rather work than live like this but I'm not trained to do any specific job. And childcare would gobble up any wages anyway.

I'm at a very low point. I hate myself for feeling this way. I thought I would be a good mum. I couldn't have been more wrong. :(

I'm sitting here crying and the kids are looking at me. Normally I'd try to hide but I've lost the will.

DrinkFeckArseGirls MILs is at the other side of the country (literally 100s of miles away). I would hate to be apart from my kids to that degree. Also, I'm bfing the youngest.

I'm guessing you are early/mid twenties?

I'm 31. You guessed off the education details, but I have 2 degrees. I did them back to back. Both undergrad though, hence why I'm an old codger now.

Experience will help with getting a job closer to your real interests

Very true. It's hard to know what is the right job when you've never been employed.

Does your DH really want a divorce?

I'm not sure. I'm too scared to bring it up. But he's clearly knackered. He's in bed. So I'm leaving him be. young kids + ill DW + redundancy. What a mess.

I think avoiding health professionals is a REALLY bad advice

I've had a very bullying HV in the past (bf-related) so I'm very weary of them to say the least. My friend has been through the system and has friends who have so they know a lot. I trust their judgement. The woman's centre was deffo a better source of support. My friend was right on that. HV phoned me back while I was at the woman's centre and I told her I was getting support from there instead.

To be honest, I really don't want to be away from the kids to the distance of 100s of miles. That goes against every instinct in my body. This morning I was very good with them and comforted them. They were still distressed but I think seeing me calm, sympathetic and in control has reassured them a little. I will carry on in this manner and over the next few days (I hope) they will recover from that horrible day yesterday when they were emotionally neglected. Poor kids. I feel like the fog has lifted and I can see more clearly and I need to put things right with my babies. But I need to be close to them to do that. Do you understand?

Thanks for the info WipsGlitter. I'm really not fond of the idea of working in the legal field, but of course, I can't afford to be choosy. Researching and writing is my love, and my talent. I've had stuff published, including a book that's currently in press, so I haven't been sitting on my ass during SAHM-hood. Does a book count as 'experience'?

OP - anyone would be depressed staying at home all day with a 2 and 3 year old. You have got to find a way of getting out of the house, every day.

I'd say book counts as experience - you'll have researched and written - which is what you've said you'd like to do.

Are you near your old uni? Maybe they can help with career guidance/suggestions.

You may find the HV to be a good source of support. In some areas funding can be accessed for 2 year olds for parents who need extra support.

You might need to separate what you love from what pays the bills and gets you out of the house. I'm not in a job I love but it is mentally stimulating, is not Childcare and most importantly pays enough to support my family.

If you're at all interested in teaching (in any capacity, not just schools) you could do a PGCE to qualify you to teach in post compulsory education.

There are bursaries available for Maths, English and SEN specialists. I don't know what degree classification you have but if you have a first you can get a bursary of 9k and the course fees should be a lot less than that, so there should be excess for childcare.

Ps I'm really glad you're feeling more positive. Nothing is hopeless. And keep getting out of the house each and every day.

Sorry last one. And think you said there's a sure start centre in your town. If you can walk to it, go there too. They'll do arty activities for the kids and have more advice and support for you.

You have got to find a way of getting out of the house, every day.

You're very right. I know of a popular toddler group and will attend this week. Fortunately they know me, so it won't be too intimidating.

Are you near your old uni? Maybe they can help with career guidance/suggestions.

Yes I am (ish). Train ride.

That's a good suggestion.

CannyBagOfTudor 9k for the year? That wouldn't really cover living expenses? DH would go balistic if we need to pay for childcare and I'm not even covering my living expenses.

wishingchair I will go to SureStart on Monday. It's in easy walking distance. I'll see what they offer and I'll report back to this thread.

Have you thought about looking for a local church which focuses on families?

A lot of these will offer a form of counselling and might provide you with a bit of community and support that might just help you get back on your feet.

Patilla I think the woman's centre offer counselling. I will enquire.

Pleased you have had some great support (I was speaking more about the GP than the HV by the way).

I totally understand not wanting to be away from your DC. I would have felt the same. But maybe you need to facilitate this "break" for them and your DH?

Good luck with your PhD scholarship application. Keep your options open though. Academia may not actually be the best option for you if you love research and writing as a lot of the job is concerned with teaching and administration. Your publications (brilliant - good for you) will count for quite a lot - the exact value will be judged in terms of scholarly "worth". Are you published in leading peer-reviewed journals or by leading academic publishers? Journals in particular are rated by impact factor.

You asked about admin examples. I have two friends with PhDs who have taken this route. Both started as departmental secretaries on the lowest grade. After 4/5 years one is a PA to a PVC (and earns more than me) - she has continued to research and publish too. The other has a permanent role in the body that overseas teaching and learning development. Her actual work changes according to the focus of the body. She is currently assisting with applying learning technologies to teaching and learning for example (earns the same as me).

I'm not suggesting it as a job, it's training. You can do it over 2 years and only need to attend around 6 hours a week, I would have thought 9k would cover that level of childcare if you have an already three year old and your 2 year old will soon be 3?

Re: dh going ballistic if not covering living expenses. It's an investment for future earnings, security and hopefully some contentment. And didn't the person who posted it say the course likely to be less so some of the £9k could be used for Childcare? Worth investigating before dismissing I reckon.

(though it wouldn't be 9k, it would be 9k minus course fees, so more like 3k or 4k)

a lot of the job is concerned with teaching and administration.

What a shame. Still, I'd love to learn and develop at PhD level. It's my dream. I know the chances are slim but the uni chose my application as one of the few (2 per dept) that they were nominating for the award.

Are you published in leading peer-reviewed journals or by leading academic publishers?

No. Practitioners magazines (for childcare workers and teachers). And the publisher of my book (which is non-fiction) is a very mainstream one (not self-published).

What's a PVC?

PVC is a pro-vice chancellor. Basically senior managers. Take a look here www.admin.cam.ac.uk/offices/v-c/pvcs.html

of course. will your Mil take my dd?? just the weekend

Hurray, everything's sounding much more positive.

31 isn't an old codger.

I remember you now, OP, you used post under L-A--?

I'm of that age and I'm as fresh as a daisy

fed you sound amazing you've got a degree in a very compatative field, wrote a book and have a PHD app in progress - WOW!

AND....youve have two young children.

You will find your way, keep going back to that womens center. Leave our DH to sort himself out. Yes all fed not dead is good enough for now.

Ooh I like the idea of the admin job in learning technologies. How would I get into that?