I don't want to be a SAHM any more, now what?

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

I regret having kids, but that ship has sailed.

I've got a 3yr old and a 2yr old. I've also got anxiety & depression. I'm a SAHM. Some days are okay, but gradually, over time, I've sunk into a mundane existence that no one is enjoying. I can't interact with my own kids. I don't know how. It just doesn't come natural to me. I don't enjoy being in their company. I am miserable and they know it.

DH works from 8am till 6pm. He earns too much to enable my 2 year old to get any childcare.

I'd rather work than live like this but I'm not trained to do any specific job. And childcare would gobble up any wages anyway.

I'm at a very low point. I hate myself for feeling this way. I thought I would be a good mum. I couldn't have been more wrong. :(

I'm sitting here crying and the kids are looking at me. Normally I'd try to hide but I've lost the will.

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

Thanks you lot. You're wonderful :)

Things have calmed down a lot at home. My 3yr old was rushed into A&E today with a lump on her neck that was growing and she was vomiting and in pain. Turns out it was just an infected lymph node. I think the experience has calmed down DH a lot and perhaps put things into perspective. He's being very civil, as am I.

[andsmile]

yee gods you are going through a hideous time at the moment.

take this opprtunity of calm and civilness to reset the 'thermostat' between you two.

recognise you are going through a lot of daily stuff at moment so dont expect a lot from yourselves, just try and stay in the same team (hopeful)

its ok not to enjoy every bit of being a SAHP - I belonged to a thread on here a while back that was basically a bunch of us for a couple of months saying how boring, numbing it can all be. I think there is a lot of us about. No on wants to admit that motherhood is err quite shitty at times.

it will get easier.

just thinking.. is this an opportunity for your DH to be SAHP for a while and you work? make a list of your options of different combos and go through it together you can always change it back, agree to a trial period?

take care OP

[TerrifiedMothertobe]

I think work could be brilliant medicine. You have a decent degree, maybe just find something part time at first that covers the nursery fees- do you have a pre school you can make most of?

I couldn't stay at home, am still on mat leave with ds2 and already climbing walls 15 weeks in, so the fact you have done it for over three years with two so close together,I think you have done brilliantly. Your children are also at an age where entertaining them all away every day is hard, so I personally believe it's a good time to get them mixing with others anyway.

Maybe join an agency and see what's they suggest, good luck and I am sure you will feel more like your old self and just .muuuuuuuummmmy (sometimes I wish I could change my name ;))

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

The clam didn't last long. God I hate him sometimes. He's still asking to take the kids away, and I'm still saying no (that will never change). So looks like he's going to go on his own.

No on wants to admit that motherhood is err quite shitty at times.

He's still trotting out the 'you wanted this' line.

is this an opportunity for your DH to be SAHP for a while and you work?

There's no way I have the same earning potential as him. We're talking: my potential = minimum wage. His = 60k.

maybe just find something part time at first that covers the nursery fees

I've told him that we both find jobs and then we both pay childcare in proportion to our wages. Sound acceptable?

[SolomanDaisy]

I think your proposal 're childcare is very reasonable. His earning potential may be that much, but currently neither of you have a job. He failed his probation in his last job, which isn't a great sign and isn't going to help him get a new job. And the jobs market is not great either. He needs to accept that you'll both be looking for work and taking what you can get.

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

His skills are rare-ish and sought after. This isn't the first redundancy he's had. He's almost got a new job lined up as it is. It's a technical skills job btw. Trust me, he's significantly older than me and his earning potential is way higher. This isn't me on a pity wagon, this is the truth.

I resent him. One of his famous lines is "you've got it easy". So, this morning, when the kids were both playing up (hardcore tantrums) I said to him, "Now, imagine this, from 9am till 6pm, every day, and you can't leave the house cause the weather is shit, and you're alone with no help". That's what sparked the recent argument. He said "you chose this".

[lotsofcheese]

Perhaps tell him you're now "choosing" to go back to work. So what if your entire salary is taken up by childcare? Or subsidised a bit from his income? Almost my full salary goes on childcare; I work for various reasons eg my sanity, maintains my career, security as my DP was previously made redundant. Not that I (or you!) need to justify yourself.

Does he not want you to work? Am wondering if it is a control thing on his part & gives him "power"?

[themoneyone]

No, your childcare payment proposal doesn't sound acceptable. Why not have one pot of money (your two incomes) and then pay the childcare bill out of that, as with all other bills?

[HoleyGhost]

Have you read any parenting books that might help you interact with your dc? They are helpful when it doesn't come naturally.

I second the suggestion to do some temping. It will give you recent experience and get you out of the house bringing independence.

[missinglalaland]

Phew.

1. In my opinion, you are at the hardest stage of kids right now. It seems like it will last forever, but your 2 year old will be 3 with childcare entitlement in less than a year. It's tough, but it is a finite period of time.
   

1. Let them watch TV! It would be better to park them in front of the TV for an hour watching CBBies while you get a few moments peace than to send yourself crazy. Give them dry hoop cereal to munch, plug them into the TV, ignore it if they jump on the couch and have whatever counts as "me time" for yourself. (I am not suggesting you let them sit there for hours on end, but surely a golden hour each day would be ok?)
   

1. Find out what activities are available in your area, library story time, mum's coffee mornings run by local churches etc. Just getting out with them for an hour helps fill the time and structure your day. By the time you get there, get home, they have lunch and then a nap, you've managed to fill at least half the day. You may also meet some other mums there in your position. Having comrades at arms to moan and gossip with is balm for the soul.
   

1. Summer is coming! Life with toddlers is so much easier when you can get outside. They aren't destroying the house anymore and the fresh air makes them sleep better. Also, you sound a bit down, fresh air, sunshine and exercise will do you a world of good too.
   

If that helps you cope until dc2 gets into a playgroup for 20 hours a week, you will then be able to think about what you want to do and to make a plan. If you have a law degree, you are clearly one smart cookie. Loads of people do jobs that don't relate directly to their degrees. I have the impression that you are young and won't have been out of the workplace/education for more than five years when you start applying again. Just do it. Start applying for graduate, entry level jobs, that is what you are. Of course you will get loads of rejections. Everyone does. Just keep trying. You don't need to be offered every job you apply for just one.

As for your spouse, . He doesn't sound very supportive, but I'll give him a break, he probably feels his own pressures about supporting a family and has his own worries. The raising-babies stage of family life is tremendously difficult for everyone. The resources demanded are incredible. It's really common to have mum and dad both thinking the other has it better and feeling under siege. It's sad when couples give up on each other before coming out the other end of this stage of life. Things really are much easier once all the children are in full time primary school.

Finally, if a job is right for you, you must pursue it. Don't ever make a partner responsible for your happiness. It's just not fair to either of you. Don't become so weak that you can't drive your own life forward without his encouragement and approval. I think if you find a job, arrange childcare and present him with a done deal, he will go along with it. And if you are happier in the end, he will be too. As they say in the USA, If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy! Or, if you prefer, A happy life is a happy wife.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

[SolomanDaisy]

'You chose this' is just ridiculous. Was he not there at the conception? Has he never chosen a job and then found that he didn't like it?

Though, I do wonder how much impact your depression is having on your perception of being a sahm and whether the solution might not be to get that under control before making any decisions. Is he also depressed? Is that why he under performed at his last job?

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

Almost my full salary goes on childcare

Shouldn't you both be paying for childcare in proportion to your respective wages?

HoleyGhost I'm going to ask about an appropriate course at the women's centre about interacting with children.

btw, what's temping? temporary work?

It's really common to have mum and dad both thinking the other has it better and feeling under siege.

It seems so pointless and relentless. No good can come of this competitive tiredness.

Was he not there at the conception?

Both DC were 100% planned. He knew what he was doing. But yeah, it was my idea.

Is that why he under performed at his last job?

He hated his last job. Told me so every day.

[lotsofcheese]

I should have been clearer: although the equivalent of my salary is taken up by childcare, the payment comes out of our joint account, which we both pay our salaries into. And all the other bills come off it too. It's just treated as another household expense, albeit mortgage-sized.

If your DH's salary is enough for you to be a SAHM, is it enough for you to work (albeit at a loss?)

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

albeit at a loss?

So the family would actually be worse off?

[ChunkyPickle]

No, the family (you are part of the family) would be better off - because they wouldn't have an angry, depressed member.

I'm not working atm, I hate it, and we still pay for DS1 to go to playgroup , and will pay for DS2 to go as soon as he's old enough. I can't handle being a SAHM, and it's worth the money for my wellbeing.

[themoneyone]

And it's banking for the future - you may be worse off for a year or so, but think of pension contributions, possible promotions, keeping up with the job market, etc. All worth a relatively short-term cost.

[bishbashboosh]

I hope your dd is ok.

I totally sympathise, I have 4 children and had 3 under 4 at one point. Please believe me life gets easier, my youngest is 4 now and I love my life now, I could never go back. When I had 3 I went back to work one day a week, and started an OU degree.

Please believe me it is most important to look after yourself! Nobody else will now you're a MUm. Be kind to yourself, treat yourself and force yourself out with friends.

I know it's hard when you are holed up and everyone seems to be living their lives when you are holed up. Just tell yourself it's temporary!

[Georgina1975]

I suggest you have a look at the DfE website If you are at all interested in teacher training. You may be eligible for a tuition fee loan and a training bursary for a PGCE. A bursary for a student with a 1st class ranges from £9-£20 thousand depending on subject area. You also might look into the option of employment-based training (starting at around £15 thousand).

If all your money did go on childcare I cannot see how the family would be that worse off given that it is not going to be too hard for your DH to get new employment?

You also say that your DH is significantly older. I wonder how much? Mine is older by 18 years so we have to think about long-term financial planning. I assume your DH is likely to reach retirement age before you? Getting on the career ladder now might ensure that the family income does not take too much of a nosedive when your DH retires.

This business about your choice re: staying at home. It is total b*llshit on so many levels. The financial argument - being worse off - just does not compute. And there will be a net gain in the long-run, surely?

[TerrifiedMothertobe]

How are you OP?