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Original poster

I don't want to be a SAHM any more, now what?

172 replies

fedthefuckupnowwhat · 20/03/2014 15:39

I regret having kids, but that ship has sailed.

I've got a 3yr old and a 2yr old. I've also got anxiety & depression. I'm a SAHM. Some days are okay, but gradually, over time, I've sunk into a mundane existence that no one is enjoying. I can't interact with my own kids. I don't know how. It just doesn't come natural to me. I don't enjoy being in their company. I am miserable and they know it.

DH works from 8am till 6pm. He earns too much to enable my 2 year old to get any childcare.

I'd rather work than live like this but I'm not trained to do any specific job. And childcare would gobble up any wages anyway.

I'm at a very low point. I hate myself for feeling this way. I thought I would be a good mum. I couldn't have been more wrong. :(

I'm sitting here crying and the kids are looking at me. Normally I'd try to hide but I've lost the will.

OP posts:
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TheBigBumTheory · 20/03/2014 16:28

You don't need a reason or justification for being depressed. It's a disease, people just get it just like any other disease. You wouldn't says to someone 'why have you got endometriosis, you've got an easy life, you don't have to work?' .

nowahousewife · 20/03/2014 16:28

Oh dear, have just seen your latest post Sad

PostHocErgoPropterHoc · 20/03/2014 16:28

That was just for the other grants OP, the other stuff is available for everyone. Though if he's a cunt maybe you should leave him.

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Original poster
fedthefuckupnowwhat · 20/03/2014 16:28

There's no Homestart in my area unfortunately. I'm in Newcastle.

OP posts:
wishingchair · 20/03/2014 16:28

And I second the driving and car thing. For the first 2 yrs of DD1's life, we had the one car which dh needed for work. Then I got an old banger and felt liberated!! I still remember that first drive on my own in it. And it wasn't just same old places with the kids. Could go anywhere!

vxm123 · 20/03/2014 16:29

Is your dp the problem?

TheBigBumTheory · 20/03/2014 16:31

It sounds like dh is abusive, calling you a bitch. Is he abusive in other ways, do you have equal access to money, is he violent or sexually abusive?

themoneyone · 20/03/2014 16:33

You sound like me, so I completely understand.
What job would you do if you could do anything?
Does your DH ever make you happy?

Ecclefechan · 20/03/2014 16:35

I don't think a stressed out man calling his wife a bitch indicates he's abusive Hmm Probably at the end of his tether as well.

Let him erupt in anger, stay calm and say "we're both unhappy, we're both stressed, for the sake of our children we need to put our heads together and work this out".

MigGril · 20/03/2014 16:35

Is your eldest at preschool already?

Could you afford for your younger one to do a couple of session a week I know our preschool session relatively aren't that expensive. This would help immediately and give you time to work out what you need to do for you, training, work ect.

Or are you in contact with your HV do they know about your depression, they can offer additional support possibly you may get help from sure start with some one to come watch the children to give you a break.

I agree with others that it may not be that you don't like being a mum that it's the depression talking and that getting you better will help give you a better outlook on things. You probably need help in finding out what it is you need to do in order to help get you better though. Are you just on medication where you offered any coucelinling services at all?

You sound like you desperately need some more support and yes retuning to work may help but rushing into anything which may not make you happy could just make things worse.

Original poster
fedthefuckupnowwhat · 20/03/2014 16:36

Is your dp the problem?

No. He has nothing to do with the fact that I hate being at home with the kids. That I find it soul destroying.

OP posts:
Original poster
fedthefuckupnowwhat · 20/03/2014 16:37

What job would you do if you could do anything?

I would be an academic. I love researching and writing.

OP posts:
wishingchair · 20/03/2014 16:37

Do you have any family or friends near by?

rinabean · 20/03/2014 16:38

OP you're neither ungrateful nor a bitch. What a cruel thing for him to say when he knows you're suffering.

Original poster
fedthefuckupnowwhat · 20/03/2014 16:41

Does your DH ever make you happy?

When he shuts up.

No, seriously, it's hard to answer that Q in the frame of mind I'm currently in. I'm swallowed by a huge cloud and can't see any silver linings.

Probably at the end of his tether as well.

He is. You're right. How can I ask for help from him, when he hates his life too??

Is your eldest at preschool already?

She does an afternoon per day. but has been off sick recently. Nursery kept sending her home. I've been spending a lot of time in childrens A&E waiting rooms. Hour after hour for just a bog standard viral infection.

it may not be that you don't like being a mum

Truth is, I just don't know how to be a good mum. I have no pleasure in it. No joy. Just irritation.

OP posts:
Original poster
fedthefuckupnowwhat · 20/03/2014 16:42

Do you have any family or friends near by?

A few friends.

OP posts:
Cringechilli · 20/03/2014 16:47

OP these kids are not going to be aged 2 and 3 forever. They will not be little dependant toddlers, they will turn into children who you will be able to talk to, reason with, trust not to endanger themselves or destroy stuff. You are at a tough stage, your dh does not understand what it's like for you being home all day. It will pass and although I am not offering an immediate solution, hang in there. My dc are 8 and 6. They are very civilised, nothing at all like when they were the ages of your dc. I don't know what nursery etc is like these days as haven't been for a few years but I am sure your 3yo at least will be entitled to some free hours soon. He/she should go to nursery aged 3+, even if you have to pay more because it's helpful for socialisation, preparation for school etc. Get both in as soon as you can for all of your sakes.

Original poster
fedthefuckupnowwhat · 20/03/2014 16:49

Oh fuck. oh fuck. DH just texted to say he just lost his job. He failed his probation. I'm reaching for the vodka.

You can't write this.

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themoneyone · 20/03/2014 16:56

What area of academia? Do you have a masters already? Any chance you could plan to start one in the next couple of years? You need a plan :D

BigPawsBrown · 20/03/2014 16:59

I'm a lawyer and it's quite different in practice.

Original poster
fedthefuckupnowwhat · 20/03/2014 17:06

I'm going to phone DH's dad and ask if he can come and pick up the kids. They don't need to see this.

I've tried phoning DH to ask his p[ermission but he's not answering. He'll be so angry if I tell his dad without his permission but I can't let the kids see this., Help!

OP posts:
themoneyone · 20/03/2014 17:07

What can't you let them see?

wishingchair · 20/03/2014 17:10

What is DH likely to do? I get that he's lost his job and he'll be upset/stressed etc. But what is he going to do that the kids can't see?

wishingchair · 20/03/2014 17:12

I say this as someone who has had her husband get diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour, have to retire from work, have gruelling treatment and slowly deteriorate before our eyes. At no point did we have to remove the children.

wishingchair · 20/03/2014 17:13

And am only saying this because I'm worried about why you're so worried about his reaction.