I don't want to be a SAHM any more, now what?

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

I regret having kids, but that ship has sailed.

I've got a 3yr old and a 2yr old. I've also got anxiety & depression. I'm a SAHM. Some days are okay, but gradually, over time, I've sunk into a mundane existence that no one is enjoying. I can't interact with my own kids. I don't know how. It just doesn't come natural to me. I don't enjoy being in their company. I am miserable and they know it.

DH works from 8am till 6pm. He earns too much to enable my 2 year old to get any childcare.

I'd rather work than live like this but I'm not trained to do any specific job. And childcare would gobble up any wages anyway.

I'm at a very low point. I hate myself for feeling this way. I thought I would be a good mum. I couldn't have been more wrong. :(

I'm sitting here crying and the kids are looking at me. Normally I'd try to hide but I've lost the will.

[Georgina1975]

I have a research/teaching role.

Have a look at jobs.ac.uk for some insight into the roles available in a HE (or FE) setting. It is certainly not a waste of a degree, I promise. I know quite a few people who have started at entry level and progressed very quickly, and also some who have moved over to a professional support role having taken disciple-specific postgraduate degrees.

For a phd studentship you would probably be looking at a fee waiver plus around £13 thousand a year. I would not discourage anybody from doing this, but it is important (as with anything) to be realistic. Especially about the job prospects on completion. In recent years, I cannot remember my department interviewing anybody who didn't have a Phd plus a publication record and teaching experience. This is for entry level jobs. I wouldn't call it especially family-friendly either. We work most evenings and w/ends (there is no overtime btw) and it is a 52-week year (no..we don't get student vacation time "off"). The job is very admin-heavy. We also have performance targets. I am only saying all of this because the perceptions of an academic job are often quite different from the reality.

You never stop being a member of your University. Can you access their career service?

[Georgina1975]

Discipline even...sorry it's 4.30am though!

[Georgina1975]

I felt exactly like you about baby groups!

You need to get your illness treated asap. I am sure it is impacting on your perception of everything from yourself to your DC and the world in general.

You will get through this.

[WipsGlitter]

So,you've never worked? How can you be sure some element of law isn't for you? I work for a charity and we have two people with law degrees working her doing charity legal advice. One person was fairly newly qualified and the other has had a myriad of careers!

It sounds if you and your DP are totally caught in the quicksand at the minute. You're pretty much shooting down every suggestion here so you're maybe not ready to actually 'do' much.

How long have your been on medication? I think a return visit to your GP and a call to a HV are needed to try and access some support.

Like I said upthread, lots and lots and lots of people find their children boring at the start. All this pressure to 'interact ' and have quality time - what shite. A better mantra is "everyone fed, nobody dead". I did stuff with my kids but most of it was based around me also getting to go to a cafe so I could get a coffee in relative peace.

Cut yourself some slack.

[MigGril]

No ringing your HV would not be a waste of time, they don't know you need help unless you tell them. Ask for a home visit cry at them, they are there to help but unless you ask they won't know you need it. make sure they are aware you are on medication for depression.

[SolomanDaisy]

Badidea, I understand where your frustration at the OP is coming from, but that post is no use to her. She is clearly very depressed and I am sure she does talk to her children.

OP, yes, I think you should call the health visitor. Doing something is better than doing nothing. What is happening now? Has your husband been dismissed with immediate effect? Does he work in a field where interims are used? If so, he needs to get onto an agency today. I think it's a good idea for you to sign up to some agencies too, getting any kind of work will be good for you. Do you rent? Can you go to the CAB who can help you with benefits? Or go to the sure start centre, at least you will find a sympathetic ear there.

[toomuchtooold]

A bit harsh, badidea, no? You reckon you understand depression but "finding excuses" why other people's helpful suggestions won't work is classic depression, I'd have thought. I'm sure the lassie is well aware that only she can do anything to help her predicament but sometimes it helps to vent and hopefully we can help with that.
Also it seems to me like she's full of "maternal feeling" if by that you mean she loves her kids. Love is as love does. You don't have to actually enjoy your kids to be a good parent to them, as long as you can drum up a bit of sympathy and time for them. She's all worried that she's cried on front of them. Christ. I've done that more than once. And you just pick yourself back up and get on with it. The fact that she's concerned about doing it tells me that actually she cares a great deal.

[givemeaclue]

I do think op needs to be realistic re job prospects. Admin jobs are hard to come by, first class degree or not yet considers those beneath her. Op get the help from gp or hv, you are not job ready at the moment but be prepared that when you are, you will have to take whatever is going. You are likely to be starting quite far down the ladder.

Good luck

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

DH says he wants a divorce. He says he also wants to take the kids away to his mother's 100s of miles away at the other side of the country. Obviously I said no, he can't do that. I need to re-bond with the kids, not have them taken away from me. He's left the house. He was brutal.

I've phoned the HV but there was no answer so I left a message. I've said I need an urgent visit.

I'll take DD to nursery at 12.30 and explain that only I am allowed to collect her.

My good friend has said:

"Don't tell the nursery!!! They will raise it as a safeguarding issue which causes more problems. Don't tell health visitor either. Come with me to the woman's centre and we'll get some impartial advice. "

Does that sound like good advice? I've already left a tearful message on HV answering machine.

[wishingchair]

No I don't think it is good advice. They don't take kids away because their mum is struggling to cope. If they did, the majority of kids would be in care. To be honest, social services might be able to give you much needed help and support. They would rather work with parents to prevent safeguarding issues.

[badidea]

Shit OP, your life just got way more complicated.

I think the womens centre will be able to give you advice about your marriage breakup and the kids (which you need, so Id defo go) but I'm not sure they can help with your depression.

And now, more than ever, you need to be at least seen to be tackling your depression in order for you to fight for your kids, don't go sweeping it under the carpet, that won't help you in the longrun.

And remember, you might not have enjoyed it all that much, but you have been your kids main carer for the last 3 years, your bloke can't just uproot them and take them away from you, no court will agree to that (esp. if you can demonstrate you're getting help with your depression and anxiety)

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

Update: I've told DH's dad what DH is threatening. His dad is going to collect the kids at 11 and ensure DH cannot take them away. Whilst I see the woman's centre (they have legal advice, etc).

Will repost when I have more updates. Thanks everyone. Please keep posting. Hand-holding required.

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

Why are you against the children being at their grandmother's for w while? You were just saying you can't cope. It would give you time to apply for jobs, sort out your health (obviously nit over one night) and deal with the impending divorce. Are you doing it to spite your DH?

[RalphRecklessCardew]

Hi OP,

It's clear that you love your children and are doing your best, but that things are a mess.

I'm guessing you are early/mid twenties? If so you have acres of time to build a career/find work that rewards you. Please don't panic about that. Easier said than done, I know, and it won't be as straightforward as if you'd gone into a training contract straight after university, but it's doable.

[EverythingCounts]

It sounds as though the relationship has been on the skids for a while. Perhaps it is best for everyone that a change in situation is now inevitable.

I agree that you need to be realistic about work. Any kind of admin work is likely to give you more of a breather than you have had as a SAHM, so I wouldn't look askance at that. Experience will help with getting a job closer to your real interests, too. It's always easier to get work when you are already in work, unfortunately. In your shoes I would be looking to share residence with the kids's dad, get into work and get them into childcare at least part-time, which you should now be in a better position to do. Get - and crucially, listen to - some practical advice about all this.

[givemeaclue]

A short holiday for the kids at their grandparents sounds a good way to give you some breathing space op

[Georgina1975]

First: breath...

Does your DH really want a divorce? Could it be (alongside the things he said) a "knee-jerk" reaction to all the pressures that have built-up over time - that he wants out of the "situation" (young kids + ill DW + redundancy) rather than his marriage?

I think avoiding health professionals is a REALLY bad advice. You need help to get well. You would not just hope a broken leg would sort itself out.

Did your DH mean he wanted to take DC away for a while or on a permanent basis? It could be a good thing for all of you if it was 2-3 weeks. You could use the time to start getting well again.

THEN - when you have both had space, time and (hopefully) gained a bit of perspective - you and DH could meet-up and discuss the future.

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

Georgina thank you for all your info. Most valuable. I've actually applied for a PhD scholarship and am waiting for the results.

When you say you have seen people "progress very quickly" from admin level, can you give some examples?

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

Wips, can you tell me what you mean by charity legal advice? Does that mean unpaid?

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

"Everyone fed, nobody dead" I love that :)

[WipsGlitter]

No. They are paid staff. It's a project that aims to get charities to work together. But if there's to be a merger, for example, they need legal advice or a proper contract so the staff work on those. As well as mediating the terms of the merger.

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

I smell a keyboard warrior in badidea. Hiding behind her keyboard looking for her kicks by hijacking a support thread. I shan't bite. Perhaps she should head over to AIBU and have her fun there?

[fedthefuckupnowwhat]

The woman's centre were fantastic. I feel much, much more positive now. I owe it to my friend for driving me there, her toddler in tow, and holding my hand so-to-speak. I have booked on 2 courses (one for anxiety and stress, and the other for improving self-esteem). I've also been given the number of solicitors who I can book to talk to me (free) at the woman's centre. Also, they told me a good 'escape plan' if I ever need to leave fast, even if it means taking the kids. So I'll always have a place to go. They also showed my their free creche and said I can book anytime to use it if I need to. Wow. What more could I need? :)

One thing I forgot to ask was about someone who can help me with job hunting, but MN is currently being very helpful on that front.

Thank you to everyone on this thread who has tried to help - you absolutely have.