fuming as step daughter has wee'd on sofa and said nothing

[mymiraclebubba]

Please let me vent without flaming me

I love my dsd to bit but she has pee'd on my bloody sofa AGAIN and said nothing!!!! I only know because I put my dd's toy down when I fed her and when I picked it up it stank of wee. Dd is finally asleep but had a real battle as she loves her toy grrrrrr

There is nothing wrong with dsd she just gets caught up in what she is doing and holds it til she can't hold anymore and freely admits to it. I don't about or tell her off but I am fuming tonight about it!

What can I do to stop her swing it other than pull ups and constantly nagging her???

Thing is, you keep reiterating that it's not the wetting that she gets into trouble for, but the not telling you OP.

I think this is at the nub of the miscommunication going on on this thread. You're getting frustrated at the people telling you to stop being angry about the wetting, when you're not, you're angry about the not telling. And those posters are getting frustrated with you because for them, the wetting and the not telling are the same thing - maybe that's not being expressed as clearly as it should be. Getting angry with her for not telling, is in a sense the same as getting angry with her for wetting, because it's all part of the same psychological problem that this child has got. Does that make any sense?

You still haven't said what sort of medical professional has declared that there is no psychological element to this. I'd bet it's not one who is qualified to state such a thing tbh, you'd be surprised at how happy some medical professionals are to arrogate to themselves a competence they don't actually have.

I think by separating the wetting itself from the not telling you about it, you're making a mistake because in terms of the mental block this kid has, the two things are related so they can't be dealt with as separate issues. Is that any use to you?

Agree with AskBasil not ignoring the not reporting is the same as not ignoring the wetting imo as it is part of the same problem.

OP you sound resentful and angry towards your dsd when she has had more to deal with than any 8 year old ever should and with even more to deal with still coming her way. Can you see things from her point of view?

I agree with basil. It is like telling a child that as long as they tell the truth you won't get angry.

Children are too immature to understand that concept. If they have done something that they perceive as "bad", the biological imperative to survive kicks in and thus they lie.

This little girl is protecting herself from something she is afraid of - your reaction. Mix this with a heavy dose of shame and she is in a lose-lose situation as far as she is concerned. Lying by omission and hoping you won't find out is the lesser evil. She is probably terrified of losing the love of those around her with a behaviour that is beyond her control. Pretty scary for her. And as basil says, she won't be disentangling the fact that her not telling you is her "crime" rather than having the accident.

You have become increasingly more conciliatory as the thread has gone on, but your first post is pretty extreme. I hope you can demonstrate some compassion for this little girl.

Poor child.

It doesn't matter if you think she isn't (or ought not be) scared of telling her. She's clearly embarrassed and feels humiliated and can't being herself to say anything. Maybe it's wrong of her to hope that no one will notice but it's certainly quite understandable! The way some people refuse to let a child have some dignity just completely baffles me.

I do understand that it's frustrating for you, but poor girl.

Argh, *telling you

And *bring (but that one was autocorrect's fault!

Don't punish her. It's just revenge, not discipline. She's a child.

At 8 y.o. She still has accidents and you are worried about your dd's toy and your sofa rather than figuring out how to help her?

I should be fair and say that I think your earlier posts sounded quite harsh because you were understandably very frustrated.

But try to imagine how you would feel if it was happening to you - a child will have the same embarrassment and humiliation issues as any adult would, and I think I would be mortified and would probably give anything to just disappear, if it were me. I doubt I'd be falling all over myself to tell every time.

Maybe a good solution would be to tell her, very gently, that you will set up a little cleaning set for her - bowl, fabric cleaning foam, cloth. Show her how to use it, and tell her where it will be. So that when it happens she can clean it up herself. But absolutely not in a way that is meant to make her feel small and humiliated. It's not a punishment to clean it up, it's a way of fixing it without having to tell you every time. That way at least the smells will be somewhat controlled, and even if it's not a great clean, it'll be better than nothing.

Make sure she has plenty of clean knickers, a huge pile, in a specific place where she can easily get them, and somewhere in her own room to put any wet knickers. Explain to her how important it is to change her knickers right away when she realises they're wet, mostly for her own hygiene but also so that she isn't wetting things accidentally, iykwim.

I hope it will get better soon. But if it doesn't she will need kind, compassionate adults in her life, to help her cope.

Oops I didn't read the full thread and I see that someone else has already suggested the cleaning kit.