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Parenting

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Original poster

fuming as step daughter has wee'd on sofa and said nothing

186 replies

mymiraclebubba · 19/03/2014 22:54

Please let me vent without flaming me

I love my dsd to bit but she has pee'd on my bloody sofa AGAIN and said nothing!!!! I only know because I put my dd's toy down when I fed her and when I picked it up it stank of wee. Dd is finally asleep but had a real battle as she loves her toy grrrrrr

There is nothing wrong with dsd she just gets caught up in what she is doing and holds it til she can't hold anymore and freely admits to it. I don't about or tell her off but I am fuming tonight about it!

What can I do to stop her swing it other than pull ups and constantly nagging her???

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

LackaDAISYcal · 20/03/2014 11:19

Not sure about star charts; they don't work for my DS so they were never even tried. My gut reaction would be no though, as failure to get a star could make things worse? At least it would, ime, with DS.

I think the thing to keep in mind is that it probably won't be a quick fix, and that there will be times, when she's ill or tired (eg at the end of term) when you may face some setbacks. The main thing is consistency, and ensuring that she is drinking. My DS would often not drink as he thought that this would help, but it untrains the bladder and we would have to start all over again.

The one chart we did use, was a drinks chart, and he filled it in when he had had a glass of water so we could keep an eye on how much he was having. His teacher knew to ensure he had had at least one drinks bottle of water throughout the day at school and woould remind him at breaks to drink.

ERIC has info on positive thinking, and the child telling themself that they are in control of their bladder, not the other way round. This deinitely helped DS.

Original poster

mymiraclebubba · 20/03/2014 11:31

Wtf. Shamefaced that she had been caught out lying

She needs to be involved in the solution to this issue so she needs to be involved in the discussions around what will help her go to the loo or dealnwith an accident.

The teacher offered her another staff member in the classroom to go to if she found it uncomfortable to go to her when she was leading the class and told dsd that it's not a problem, it happens to lots of kids and they have spare uniform in the office for just such occurrences so dsd now knows that she isn't in trouble and just needs to say something just like at home.

So I am not doing it wrong and neither is her mum whose rule it is we follow thank you as the school follow exactly the same policy. Only an issue if you say nothing

OP posts:

OhBabyLilyMunster · 20/03/2014 11:32

Poor poor wee girl.

Can you really not comprehend the embarrassment here? My heart goes out to her. I had reflux as a child and wet until my early teens. Luckily it was at home after a certain age but if my mother had shamed me and yelled and cancelled visits i cant imagine the level of psychological damage that would've done. She willmgrow out of it, but dont destroy your relationship with her in the mean time.

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ClairesTravellingCircus · 20/03/2014 11:36

I would just like to second everything that lack says, she talks a lot of sense.

Dd1 had similar issues and it turned out she had an overactive bladder. Capacity was fine but she'd get the FULL message before it was full, and it only at the last minute. She was fine one moment and the next she just HAD to go.

It took us YEARS to find a dr that identified the issue correctly.

Things that helped were drinking more and going to the toilet at set timings.

She also used to lie and hide her underwear. It is because they feel ashamed and try to hide the problem. (If I don't talk anout it it doesn't exist kind of thing). I don't think punishments will help with that, and I say as someone who's done all the mistakes in the book before realising she just wasn't doing on purpose. (The wetting and the lying about it)

The truth is my dd had no idea why it was happening and just tried to hide the problem, not so much to me, but mai ly to herself.
Star charts don't work because it's not in their power to do anything about it. (Unless used to get them to drink more like Lack did)

And yes the eric website is brilliant. They also have a helpline.

ClairesTravellingCircus · 20/03/2014 11:39

OhBabyLilyMunster

Was that rhenal reflux? Dd1 suffered from that too.

LackaDAISYcal · 20/03/2014 11:43

Paintyfingers · 20/03/2014 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ruralreynard · 20/03/2014 13:16

Agree with Ohbabylilymunster so for your dsd.
My ds wet until he was 11. He was so embarrassed and of course this made him tell lies and not report it at times.
DS could not help it, there was no warning, it was not in his control and eventually he grew out of it get the feeling it is the same for DSD.

ruralreynard · 20/03/2014 13:18

What paintyfingers said.

cory · 20/03/2014 19:44

my dd had incontinence problems at this age, and just being allowed to ask to go to the loo didn't solve the problem, because she simply couldn't hold on for long enough after she first felt the urge

it was a medical problem but not one that could easily be tested by a GP or a urologist: it turned out to be the result of a connective tissue disorder which meant the muscles controlling the bladder weren't strong enough

it would not have been diagnosed if she hadn't happened to have an appointment with a rheumatologist over a separate set of symptoms

so not always as easy to rule out medical problems as LunchLady seems to think

her problems were resolved with medication

she also had to stop drinking anything that could irritate the bladder, like black currant squash and coke

Snog · 20/03/2014 19:56

OP imo she is scared of you and this is why she hasn't owned up.i feel sorry for her tbh

WTFlike · 20/03/2014 19:59

OP is right, we're ALL wrong.

Original poster

mymiraclebubba · 20/03/2014 20:56

wtf - get lost if you have nothing constructive to say!!

Snog - she is not scared of me, if it was just me she wouldn't be doing it at school, at her mum's, at both sets of grandparents, the park and pretty much every other place she goes to WITHOUT me so please keep unhelpful spiteful comments to yourself

OP posts:

Original poster

mymiraclebubba · 20/03/2014 20:59

cory - ohh that is interesting as all tests so far (including a pysche eval) have come back showing nothing wrong with her, but guessing cameras and ultrasounds etc aren't going to show that up. will suggest to DP that he speaks to drs about this as a possibility if Lack's suggestions don't help her.

OP posts:

OhBabyLilyMunster · 20/03/2014 21:02

Yea it was renal reflux. Caused a lot of damage but was eventually outgrown. Thankfully my family were all lovely with me but it took a good while to diagnose - by all accounts it presented as a lazy potty trainer (hiding behind the sofa and wetting self etc). What was actually happening was the reflux was causing constant infections that were cystitis-like in nature. The OP brought back a lot of memories of how embarrassing it was.

cory · 20/03/2014 21:35

a friend's ds turned out to be wetting due to chronic constipation/faecal impaction

Original poster

mymiraclebubba · 20/03/2014 21:38

ohbaby - that must have been awful!! If my dsd is embarrassed then i don't understand why she has stopped telling us, we have NEVER been cross with her and have always encouraged her to come and tell us which she had got very good at doing recently and then yesterday disaster strikes again. it pisses me off that we have done everything the dr's tell us to do and she can be brilliant for months and then you stop reminding her every half hour and she slips straight back into it the second she is engrossed in something.

She does know when she needs to go as she if fine if we are shopping, or walking the dog - basically anything that bores her! we only have an issue when she is at the park, watching a film and now apparently talking to her dad - its crackers.

from something she muttered in the car today i think her mum has obviously lost her temper with it a few times lately - she has recently moved in with her boyfriend and i am guessing that he doesn't take kindly to the wetting (only surmising as she hasn't returned DP's calls yet) - so that may account for why she didn't tell us yesterday.

She has been sooooo good about it since September, we really thought she had cracked it and started going when she needed instead of holding on. I really don't want to resort to the embarrassment (for her) of having me go into the loo with her to make sure she is actually sitting down and trying to go

OP posts:

Original poster

mymiraclebubba · 20/03/2014 21:41

cory - she definitely doesn't have issues at that end - she is rubbish at wiping up so i am fully aware that she is going ok there! (sorry if tmi)

OP posts:

Theyaremysunshine · 20/03/2014 22:12

So her mum has a new DP.

Not remotely surprising she's having problems again OP.

It's a massive thing for an 8 year old, or any child, to learn to live with a new adult. I may not have had wetting problems but i know a thing or two about new DPs in the house from a child's perspective.

Tread gently.

Original poster

mymiraclebubba · 20/03/2014 22:17

mum's boyfriend has been on the scene a long time and the kids have known him since the year dot as his dd and my dss are in the same class at school - mum had an affair with him so the kids have known he is mum's dp for over 2 years so doubt that has anything to do with it in that sense although they moved in with him and his 2 kids in January so that could have flared it up i suppose - but 3 months later?!

She is having to share a bedroom with dss in their new house as there aren't enough bedroom (don't ask we have tried to suggest that they stay here more but mum won't hear of it ) and thinking about it, she has seemed a lot more tired than normal. Lack could tiredness be a cause of the slip ups returning in your experience?

OP posts:

OhBabyLilyMunster · 20/03/2014 22:24

In terms of managing it, i would think practical. No point in trying to work out the whys and wherefores. If she was going to open up she would've by now. I would say to make sure she has privacy, a washing bin of her own, clean clothing and freshening up wipes in a private place, that she is aware of and can use without interruption. Allow her to care for herself with minimal intrusion, or drawing any attention to it. Dont apply your own thinking to this - a grown woman would be straight in the shower, but kids dont think like this. Reassure her that she WILL grow out of it. Please please i beg you not to punish her in any way. Youll just have to work around her on this one.

Kudzugirl · 20/03/2014 22:25

If she is dry for months and then relapses this is a behavioural issue not a physiological one. This requires a very specific approach and you do need to gain specialist advice.

To be honest a lot of parents are desperate for there to be a pysiological cause for urinary incontinence because they do not understand behavioural causes, they tend to see them as a negative comment upon their parenting and they see them as mysterious and hard to solve.

Please get some specialist advice.

MellowAutumn · 20/03/2014 22:28

It's not crackers it's either a medical problem that has yet to be diagnosed or a psychological problem that has not been recognised by the adults around her. Adults who even after a shed load of excellent advise are still going to punish her.

Original poster

mymiraclebubba · 20/03/2014 22:32

ohbaby - she has all that and always has!

Kudzugirl - there certainly seems to be a behavioural element to it, but after the likes of cory's suggestions it could still be medical

mellow - it is not psycological - and she isn't being punished but our activities at the weekend will be curtailed as a result of her behaviour

OP posts:

OhBabyLilyMunster · 20/03/2014 22:38

How can you say you arent punishing her?

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