fuming as step daughter has wee'd on sofa and said nothing

[mymiraclebubba]

Please let me vent without flaming me

I love my dsd to bit but she has pee'd on my bloody sofa AGAIN and said nothing!!!! I only know because I put my dd's toy down when I fed her and when I picked it up it stank of wee. Dd is finally asleep but had a real battle as she loves her toy grrrrrr

There is nothing wrong with dsd she just gets caught up in what she is doing and holds it til she can't hold anymore and freely admits to it. I don't about or tell her off but I am fuming tonight about it!

What can I do to stop her swing it other than pull ups and constantly nagging her???

she is going through a lot of changes on both domestic fronts, it's the end of term coming up, she may be feeling dethroned ny the thought of the new baby. She has already lost her Dad to a new partner and now he is having a new baby...which by your user name I can surmise has been long tried for or a difficult conception?

the list of things that may be causing this are pretty long and it might take a lot of unravelling, but all adults involved in her care need to be coming at it from the same angle or it will never work and her confusion will drag it out for a long time.

I think the OP is getting an unnecessarily hard time; though my initial response was harsh, I can see that you are trying to do the best by DSD and it's not just about your sofa (which tbf, in a while will have been covered in poo, milk, wee and puke and will be beyond help )

random have you read the bloody thread?? or are you just another wanting to cause trouble?

i am not humiliating her, or causing upset. i am following HER MUM'S rules and methods

OP, why don't you put a sign round her neck saying, "I'm a little sod who deliberately wets herself to piss people off! hit me with a big stick"

Which medical professional told you there was no psychological cause?

A child psychiatrist? A specialist in this field?

I think you need a different professional tbh.

Did the issue of her not telling you come up in her psychological assessment?

I suffer from anxiety - i don't wet myself because its not something i get anxious about. Sometimes i get so anxious i can't even load the dishwasher, its totally irational, some days though, im as bright as a button - of course it comes and goes, the very fact that it DOES come and go is a pretty strong indication that it is psychological. How do you know if she is worried about anything? This is being turned into such an issue that she is going to have lasting issues if this isn't taken into perspective pretty quickly. Its just piss - get throws for the sofa, matress protectors etc (yes i know its a pain, but what else can you do), its not acid that is going to burn through your skin or poison you - its piss. If she is wet, offer her a change of clothes and shower, if you realise she has done it, just ignore it - descretely change the bedding, whatever. Turn it ino a non-issue.

I saw my nephew screamed at and smacked once when we were visiting BIL because he messed himself (he' 8 too) his mother went ballistic at him - we left, i haven't visited them since, it was too upsetting.

it will get mentioned - so "because you wet yourself, we can't go to the theme park" fucking hell - that is like the whole class getting detentin because of the naughty kid, to make the naughty kid feel bad and become unpopular - yeah, that'l do her self esteem the world of good that will.

Oh and if people don't agree with you, it doesn't mean they are causing trouble.

Thank you Lack

to clarify - she lost dad because her mum had an affair and kicked him out - i am not the OW and i am not the evil bitch that i am being portrayed as on here!

she has been fully involved in preps for the baby and has not been dethroned, in fact i do my best to cover everything the baby needs when they are here so that they don't have to share their dad with her

all the adults are working together and coming from same angle as far as we know (we have yet to have it confirmed whether mum has got angry) and we are following already the advice of reminding her and banning drinks known to cause it.

if anyone bothers to read the OP the issue is the not telling us not the bloody sofa or the fact she had wet herself, but it is far more fun to attack people on mumsnet than actually try and help where certain posters are concerned clearly

nonno - get lost i am not interested in your puerile comments

I hope things get easier for you all... Please seek help and don't take her behaviour personally...

Just wanted to illustrate how hysterical you sounded... There's been loads of good advice on here, hope you find it useful...

We have read the thread, we gave offered advice and we understand you are not the only adult in her life failing her.

Lots of people already giving some good advice here. OP I think the only thing I would add is to be aware that psychological issues rarely show themselves in a way or timeframe which you might expect, in children in particular there's not often an obvious 'cause and effect' situation. Kids deal with stressful situations in different ways and the wetting herself and the not telling someone she's done it could both be signs of anxiety/stress. Sometimes behaviour is related to something which happened many months previously or which seems really minor to us as adults but actually has a huge effect on the child, sometimes they're not even aware of it. I say this having a DD who has been through phases of anxiety related behaviour which we were completely at a loss to understand at first.

all those things you say in your last post are all well and good, and its not a situation that is about assigning fault, but you have to recognise that this little girls life has been turned on its head. I am sure you have done your best to make her feel included with the new baby and that is great, but even non-step children have jealousy/insecurity issues surrounding a new baby, this little girl has all these other children in her life now too - so she feels she is sharing her mummy and her daddy. It might not be anyone's fault, but it is niave to think that what has happened has had no effect and that this isn't the manifestation of that. It doesn't matter who's fault it is - what matters is how its approached.

Could you just ignore it? seriously, i think thats worth a try

oh, i see you wont ignore it - can you tell me why that is?? Not even if you thought it would hep?

SHE'S NOT TELLING ANYONE BECAUSE SHE IS SCARED OF THE REACTION! JESUS! If I thought I was going to get told off, have a theme park trip cancelled, have no sympathy because it's "not psychological" I wouldn't tell anyone either! My DD is nearly 8 & had an accident not long ago and I would give her up for adoption rather than react like this.

Random get lost

Actually I think you need to get lost from this poor kid for a few days if you are so unstable this is the reaction you are having to the situation. Should you even be disciplining her if you are only a step parent? Shouldn't it be down to an actual parent? I hope my ex doesn't allow his current gf to discipline my daughter, totally not her place.

You are pathetic Random and seeing as you ha e nothing useful to offer I intend to ignore you and you pointless opinion as you clearly haven't read the thread

That's the problem, I have, as have many others and a large proportion of answers here have told you you are wrong. Your answer to all of them is to squalk a hissy at them and ignore them. For the sake of all the children in your care now and future, your own and others, you need to actually listen to a majority vote here and dramatically readdress your "parenting" skills.

As the mother of a 7yo who wets herself regularly (and doesn't tell us, despite the fact she has a very understanding family and is waiting for a medical referral) this thread is massively upsetting.

Poor child :-(

My heart aches for that poor little girl. This sounds like something from the bad old days, 50 or 60 years ago. Punishing her by not taking her to theme park? Jesus.
OP, you sound totally unreasonable. And mean.

My DD had wetting problems until she was about 11. No medical problems were ever diagnosed, but she does have dyspraxia and low muscle tone . I suspect these had an impact in her ability to hold and a tendency to be distracted and not notice the signals.

I'm sure that being more tired than usual would indeed cause more accidents. She is coping with a lot for an 8 year old as others have said - a new baby is major, however excited she is, as is a new partner for her Mum and sharing a bedroom. She may have known the partner for a long time but living with him is something completely different . I'd go as far as to say, I'd be surprised if you didn't see a worsening of symptoms with this going on, at some point over the year from when the changes started.

Remember well how frustrating a constant round of wet everything is - can I recommend Simple Solution from the pet shop for upholstery, works well. The idea of washable throws is a good one. We never discussed the issue with the teacher in front of DD, just made sure she knew the outcome of any discussions that she needed t know.

It's very much a grit your teeth and get on with it thing I'm afraid. Gentle encouragement, stacks of patience are the order of the day. It will eventually pass, however much it seems if won't . Ditch pull ups, they won't help. Do the Theme park but make very regular loo stops and have spare clothes, plastic bags and wet wipes just in case.

Op I think you are not quite understanding something, and I know it's hard to listen when you're feeling attacked.

It sounds like you have done a great job at preparing her for the new baby, and working with all the family to ensure joined up stance, saying the right things, trying the right things etc. it sounds like you're doing a really great job :)

The problem is that just because you are doing EVERYTHING RIGHT, doesn't mean to say your sdd is going to 'get' all the right messages and react right either... It's a sad fact of parenting, that we can only do so much and cannot control what's going on in their heads or hearts.

I wonder if she is still ashamed, or down on herself about it, or wants to be private about it, and hide it... Just cos you tell her not to be, doesn't mean she'll even know where to start trying not to feel her feelings IYSWIM? The amount of times I have to say simple things to my Ds, is ridiculous! And he's 4 so at a nice mouldable type of age... By the time they're eight, they are so much more their own person and get effected by a huge range of influences, so it's hard to get a message through to her and actually have her probably believing it...

Im wondering what would happen if you just nudged yours / dads etc behaviour just a tiny bit and behave as if you think she might be embarassed and worries... So, just do what you do but maybe repeating yourself about don't be embarrassed once more than usual, stuff like that?

It's not a reflection on you at all, it's just about trying a few different ways all with the same idea (don't be embarrassed well done for telling), just to try and get the message sticking on her brain a bit more - I suspect it's her brain stopping her from hearing you all!

What do you think?

No-one does something like this for no reason. If there is no physical/medical problem then there is a psychological one.

As britapie said for someone who has been through this with their own dc's or sdc's for that matter this thread is very upsetting.
Op the majority view here is obvious and right I think.
If no physical problem has been found it is psychological and that as others have said is not a " cause and effect situation". The wetting should be ignored. She is 8 and I feel is ashamed and embarressed enough without input from anyone else. So so sad for her...