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Original poster

fuming as step daughter has wee'd on sofa and said nothing

186 replies

mymiraclebubba · 19/03/2014 22:54

Please let me vent without flaming me

I love my dsd to bit but she has pee'd on my bloody sofa AGAIN and said nothing!!!! I only know because I put my dd's toy down when I fed her and when I picked it up it stank of wee. Dd is finally asleep but had a real battle as she loves her toy grrrrrr

There is nothing wrong with dsd she just gets caught up in what she is doing and holds it til she can't hold anymore and freely admits to it. I don't about or tell her off but I am fuming tonight about it!

What can I do to stop her swing it other than pull ups and constantly nagging her???

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morethanpotatoprints · 19/03/2014 23:33

Lunchlady Shock

firstchoice · 19/03/2014 23:35

there IS a reason though - if it isn't physical it is psychological
she isn't doing it on purpose to risk a bollocking, is she?

if she gets so engrossed in an activity that she fails to pay attention to her bladder being bursting then she needs help and support with that, not punishing. my dd is 6 and occasionally does this. last night she wet her bed (not done for around 3 years, unless ill). she came and told me and I praised her for being honest but also told her to make sure she wees before bed and got her to help me strip it off and pop it in the machine so she can see what has to happen if the bed is soaked. I didn't tell her off though, I could see she was embarrassed plenty anyway. If your dsd didn't tell you, I expect it was embarrassment not laziness / not caring.

Can you not remind her as you would a younger child until she gets into better habits? I shall be like a broken record at bedtime with dd for a couple of weeks so she gets back in the habit!

Don't cancel her day out, poor thing, she is probably ashamed enough as it is?

LunchLadyWannabe · 19/03/2014 23:37

Lack

Pussy footing around a child who is old enough to understand that you do not wet yourself because you cant be bothered to go to the loo does the child no favours.

Tough love required here im afraid

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Original poster
mymiraclebubba · 19/03/2014 23:39

Lunch - it's not laziness per say it's the distraction and the thought of "Ohh I will go in a bit" and then she can't hold it

They have assessed her physically and mentally andsaid she is fine. She has coped fine with the ssplit as far as I can see (am no expert) and she adores her baby sister, she loves being involved and is desperate to help change nappies etc.

We get on great and she loves having 121 time with me to do nails etc once dd is in bed or going shopping for clothes etc so I know it's not me that she has a problem with

I guess we just need to keep nagging - may have to record a line saying "pls go to the loo" so I don't have to keep having to repeat it or set an alarm on her mobile to remind her when she is here

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LackaDAISYcal · 19/03/2014 23:39

she is embarrased and scared of your reaction. she knows you think it's wrong, and no matter what words you say, she knows what you really think, she isn't stupid. You have already put her in nappies; she knows how you feel, and she knows that nappies are for babies.

You need to build up some trust with her before working on the issue itself; and that goes for you, your DP and her mum, all working together for her benefit. Never mind how you feel, her feelings are th amin issue here. Look at ERIC, get some advice from the school nursing team on how to deal with it, do an in/out chart which will tell you if there is an issue with her the amount her bladder can hold and work on ways of improving it...the school nurse will be able to advise.

BaileysOnRocks · 19/03/2014 23:42

You're actually making me really angry. That poor child!!!
She is probably embarrassed and scared of telling you.
It could also be a medical issue.
My DH brother wet himself until he was 16 when a medical issues was diagnosed.
I feel sick and really sad reading you speak about her like that.

LackaDAISYcal · 19/03/2014 23:42

have they asked you to do an in/out chart?

For three days we had to note down exactly what drinks DS had. We also measured what came out and when. We then did it again ensuring eight 150ml glasses per day.

It was obvious that his bladder capacity was very small. We now have to ensure he has his eight glasses a day, every day or else it all slips back a bit.

This is not something she is doing on purpose, poor lamb Sad

firstchoice · 19/03/2014 23:44

how do you know its a case of 'cant be bothered' though?????

what if she struggles to make transition from thing she is concentrating on to toilet? - plenty of children do, some even beyond 8.
what if she has some undetected bladder probs?
what if its a simple recurring bladder infection?
what if she is just stressed and failing to get to the loo in time?

no one is suggesting pussy footing around.
we are suggesting reminding her, showing her the hassle of cleaning up (cleaning kit / loading machine), and reminding her again. But also being compassionate when it does happen to avoid potentially making the problem worse, if it is psychological.

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/03/2014 23:45

OP, I understand your frustration and you have my sympathy.Thanks

You say that she knows that if she tells you when she has had an accident it will be ok, but she really doesn't. You and your DP need to teach her that by being patient and understanding every single time she does it. Even when she doesn't tell you/tries to hide it from you.

I know it's hard and inconvenient but building her trust in you both is worth it.

When you find a wet patch/wet clothing, clean up or better still, get your partner to do it (you have to do this bit anyway, so don't let the inconvenience become annoyance). Ask her about it. Tell her that you need to know when it happens so that you can make her more comfie by cleaning her up and giving her dry clothes and sort it out and move on.

It needn't be forever, try it and commit to it for 6 months or so and see how it goes.

Good luck.Smile

Original poster
mymiraclebubba · 19/03/2014 23:45

The nappies were her mum not us lack "we" as in all of is together trying to deal with it. I prefer the "do you think you can manage to stay dry or do youbwant to wear a pull up" if she says pull up she can ha e one if she says stay dry we trust her and remind her

I genuinely don't get cross at fact she wets! Only when she hides it. She hasn't hidden it for months! She came out of school the other week and told me straight away she had had an accident. No drama just a bag on her car seat to stop it going thru and straight home for shower and change

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LackaDAISYcal · 19/03/2014 23:46

Lunchlady, with all due respect, you are talking out of your arse and I pity your poor children Angry Tough love never helped anyone and where wetting is concerned will only help to make the issue worse and even more surmountable.

Please educate yourself regarding wetting issues and stop telling people to humiliate their child.

Original poster
mymiraclebubba · 19/03/2014 23:47

Lack yes her mum did it as she is rp and as far as I know they said it was fine

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firstchoice · 19/03/2014 23:48

and I don't think daytime pull-ups are appropriate for that age unless she has a special need for them - if she is a child who has no diagnosed problems pnly with 'remembering to go' it is likely to make her very selfconscious and ashamed.

Original poster
mymiraclebubba · 19/03/2014 23:49

First choice - hence why I don't like her using them unless she asks

OP posts:
LackaDAISYcal · 19/03/2014 23:49

you still haven't answered me re the in/out fluid chart??? And have you spoken to the school nursing team? This is where we got the best advice. If it's just about bladder capacity, it's an easy fix. No need for nappies. DS has issues with night wetting. We first got referred when he was seven and the Very First Thing we were told was to stop using pyjama pants/night nappies/whatever you want to call them.

firstchoice · 19/03/2014 23:50

sorry, x post re the nappies...

I feel your frustration re the hiding the evidence but I agree with other posters that you can only reassure her EVERY time (including the hidden times) for her to feel okay enough to TELL YOU every time (sorry for caps, not shouting, just cant find the bold key instead :)

Original poster
mymiraclebubba · 19/03/2014 23:51

I have answered you lack!! Her mum did the fluid chart as she is resident parent and it was fine apparently.

Dp is gonna talk to her mum tomorrow and see when she is free to meet with school nurse etc and see what else they can look at obviously I can't as not her parent

OP posts:
LackaDAISYcal · 19/03/2014 23:52

cross post.

Again, speak to the school nursing team; they will be far more helpful than random voices on an internet forum who are euphamistically telling you to rub her nose in it by making her clean the sofa Shock

LunchLadyWannabe · 19/03/2014 23:54

Lack

Your childs toileting problems were a medical problem

The ops dsd has already been thoroughly tested and there is nothing wrong!

So that only points to laziness.

I agree with the poster that said involve the child in clearing up so its not easy for them to just sit there and wee.

LackaDAISYcal · 19/03/2014 23:54

and as a short term measure, get some loose throws with washable bed mats underneath (don't let her see they are there) to save the sofa/chairs. She will stress less about it if she knows it's just covers that can be washed and less stress will surely help.

Original poster
mymiraclebubba · 19/03/2014 23:55

Can't imagine who would make a child scrub the sofa! Are we in dickensian times or something!! Think I will settle for we aren't going to theme park but we will go to city zoo instead!

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Primadonnagirl · 19/03/2014 23:55

Op i have no practical advice but just want to support youI wish people would read your post again....you have said you want to vent ..go ahead .Far better OP that u vent at us than your dsd.
You sound as if you have done all the right things eg sought medical advice etc. Your anger isn't at the wetting per se...although it is unusual at eight..but that you have told her its ok to admit it but she still ignores u.
I'm also annoyed that some posters are having a go at you - what is her Mum doing about it. Saying its only a sofa is ridiculous..the Op isn't bothered about the sofa it's the behaviour that needs to change..otherwise we should all pee everywhere!!

Original poster
mymiraclebubba · 19/03/2014 23:56

The irony of it all is she saw me having to sit on puppy pads after I had dd cos I wet everything I sneezed or coughed for about a week so she knows it's nothing to be worries about

OP posts:
LackaDAISYcal · 19/03/2014 23:57

just Shock ladylunch

Emotional issues don't count? parents splitting, dad's new partner, dad's new baby? splitting your time betwen mum and dad's new family?

FGS, have a little compassion. I'm fucking speechless.

Original poster
mymiraclebubba · 19/03/2014 23:58

Thanks prima most are being helpful I think they just assume that I rant at dsd which I don't, I vent here or at dp

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