Things you don't say to a woman with a new baby

[IShallCallYouSquishy]

I have a 21month DD and a newborn DS. DH runs his own company so had to go back to work on Tuesday so been a tough few days. A couple of corkers today made me wonder what gems other people have had said to them. Mine so far....

DMum the day after I had DS: oh DD probably thinks the baby is still in there (looking at my stomach)

DFIL today (DS is 8 days old):you look tired

DH today: you know you had a little sleep this morning and i took DD out, I was thinking of going out on my bike if it stays sunny. (I had about 3 hours sleep due to BFing DS most the night!)

Yes ok, my hormones are a bit all over the place but surely none of the above are acceptable!

Both these beauties from my thankfully Ex MIL

On the morning after birth of DC1 when I called him on the landline and she answered as she had turned up to stay "Oh he is asleep. He is totally exausted and I dont want to wake him." WTF!!! I demanded she did. "Not half as exausted as me, wake him up please" I hissed. It was after 10am!

On visiting me in hospital after birth of DC2 (and these were the first words she uttered) I hope you arent going to have any more".

Needless to say in every possible way she was a sh*t Grandmother.

Mil said to me soon after 'so how's it going with your weight'
Fil said 'now the baby's face is filling out she looks more like you'!
I was only one dress size bigger than I was before pregnancy (a 12) :(

Ooo, just remembered another beautiful, supportive outburst from a friend of DH's family:

"When baby doesn't sleep it is always because of the mother. All mine slept straight through from 3 weeks old, no problems. So you need to look at what she's doing wrong"

Said to DH in front of me. DS was not a sleeper. He was determined that he would only sleep beside me. When I stopped listening to dire pronouncements of doom from self satisfied bastards and got a sidecar cot he slept fine.

That's another one on my big list of grievances and has soured my relationship with the sayer beyond anything I am prepared to repair.

It is a very stressful time and people who speak thoughtlessly or try to put a new mother down and make her feel small should realise she will never forget your words and how they made her feel.

So true greyauditor it is very hard to forget. Dh were talking about it last night that no one is to be allowed a visit at the hospital, even then when we come home people will have to be invited. If anyone dares to show up unannounced they will have to go without seeing us. You can not just waltz into our apartment building like other places. You will need someone to open for you to get into it and that someone will be DH and i. No invite, no entrance because it is hard to be leaking from every opening, then have able bodied twats utter their nonsense to you. I mean you MIL. Stay away!!!

for everyone who had awful things said to them. I'm going to share a funny (to me anyway) one:
DS was to be honest not the prettiest baby ever born. He was very small and scrawny, hair like a monk, massive amounts of birth trauma round his face which made his eyes bulge up and to top it off he was slightly jaundiced at birth so looked quite sickly. Even I could see he wasn't like the ones on the front of the baby magazines! Everybody who visited us coo'd over him, then my second cousin came with his parents. He was 7 at the time. He took one look at my pride and joy and said "eww he looks like a frog!" His Mum was mortified and was frantically trying to shut him up because he just kept going on and on about how weird he looked, and I couldn't stop laughing!
I am very pleased to say though that he soon grew into himself and at 13 is quite a handsome young chap

I was just out of hospital after haveing DD1, after losing 1 litre of blood and in the middle of a bout of pneumonia and my dMIL said "I thought you had the baby" when she was looking at by stomach.

Also was buying a second hand bike for dd1on my 45th birthday and was asked "is it for your granddaughter?"

My aunt, who had come round to meet newborn DD1: "Gosh, it's really true that babies look like Winston Churchill, isn't it?"

W

Me with a one day old dd. in hospital

"Wow balenciaga you've still got a lot of weight to lose haven't you!!!"

My lovely MIL

Due my next one in a few weeks. And I WILL kill her if she dares say anything like that again!!

Whoops.

My father, when DD was a week old and would only sleep whilst being held by someone: "You're spoiling her and making a rod for your own back"

When she was 7 weeks old he send me a massive long email with details of a certain weight loss scheme. That I needed to watch my weight and that breastfeeding alone wouldn't work. That wasn't the first time either, he senddme a similar email a couple of years ago. I never replied. Although if i ever get a third one i will send him a suitable reply. Might ask mumsnet for ideas

An ex colleague when she visited a couple of weeks ago told me and DP we're too young to be parents. I'm 27 and DP is 30...

From my MIL, who makes a huge deal out of the fact that she studied psychology and is very equal opportunities, unlike her late mother, who worshipped the males of the family-
"I'm really worried about DH's stress levels, you should talk to the midwife about it."
DS was three weeks old, I had no family help and was getting over mastitis while struggling to BF a very reluctant feeder!
I trace the distance between us to that comment. It was plain that she was her mother's daughter after all and that I was never going to matter that much.

Seems I am not the only one with one of "those" MILs.

DS is slightly older than newborn now, but not by much.

From my DM the other day, "you're being a bit snappy with me."

Well, yes, I am because you're talking to me when DS is clearly screaming in my ear and it's fine that there's nothing that you can do to help but don't just stand around staring at me with a daily mail sad face because it's making things worse!

To be fair, that was more my fault than hers

'Whens it due'........

I think the lack of empathy that some of this comments show is astonishing and sad

FIL to myself who had been in hospital for weeks before DS's birth

"I got cat hairs all on my suit off your sofa"

I think he missed the point..I hadn't seen the fecking sofa for 5 weeks

My MIL visited about 4 days after the birth with both children and on both visits she said:

MIL: "Shall I hold the baby and let you get on?" meaning "with the housework".

Yup.

A friends DH told me that one of his work colleagues said 'If I had a ginger baby I'd shoot it'

I was having a massive struggle BFing, and a friend who had no DCs COULD NOT STOP giving me advice, mostly "you need to relax" or "you're too tense". Eventually I reduced my stress by being too busy for her to visit.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who's had the granny comment...

My sister (3 years younger than me) got married when DD was 6 weeks old. I had made cupcakes, organised a hen do, gone out for rehearsal dinner, then on the morning of the wedding got up before 6am to feed, express, change all the bedding in the house, pack (as we were expected to stay in the venue and let other family stay in our house), and get to my parents house for 8am.

The make up artist asked me 'so are you the mother of the bride'. It took all my willpower not to cry and ruin the make up!

I knew it was time to go back to work after maternity leave with DC1 when I looked in a pram at an NCT coffee morning and could only bring myself to say, "Oh! What a pretty....name"

After a 24 hr labour followed by an EMCS for foetal distress and a small bleed.

MIL, when DS settled in DH's arms on day two,"Ooh, he's clearly a Daddy's boy." I'm sure it wasn't meant maliciously, but it made me feel like shit.

From a close relative - "I can't visit you . I have period pain." I couldn't find much sympathy.

My parents came to help when my DD was born, (my second child - my eldest was 15 months) they arrived when she was a week old, on day eight, I cooked a meal that was cold by the time it got to the table, I mumbled an apology and my dad said "Yes it is cold!" It was, but it was amazing I'd even made it imho.

Although I feel this is trivial because my own DM's mother died when my brother was 10 days old. My DM who had just had an emergency c-section hopped in the car drove 300 miles with a newborn and toddler. Then arranged the funeral.

My MIL, when DS was 1 week old and I was worrying he was having too many dirty nappies said "well if I was having milk poured down my throat all of the time, I would have a dodgy stomach too" (the milk pouring she was referring to was me BF on demand (a concept she didn't get) and a baby who wanted constantly fed.
Luckily my DH remembered well from NCT and told her you can't overfeed a breastfed baby and the midwives reassured me to, but there's nothing like knocking your confidence that early on!

My tactless SIL said upon birth if DD2 "Well, it looks likeshe will be thin like her Daddy. "

A unsubtle dig at me. I'm a size 14!