Things you don't say to a woman with a new baby

[IShallCallYouSquishy]

I have a 21month DD and a newborn DS. DH runs his own company so had to go back to work on Tuesday so been a tough few days. A couple of corkers today made me wonder what gems other people have had said to them. Mine so far....

DMum the day after I had DS: oh DD probably thinks the baby is still in there (looking at my stomach)

DFIL today (DS is 8 days old):you look tired

DH today: you know you had a little sleep this morning and i took DD out, I was thinking of going out on my bike if it stays sunny. (I had about 3 hours sleep due to BFing DS most the night!)

Yes ok, my hormones are a bit all over the place but surely none of the above are acceptable!

At my DS's first injections (so, would that be about 8 weeks ?- it was 14 years ago!) the nurse asked if I was the mother or the grandmother. I was 31 !! I cried, it sent me off into depression, & I still remember the horror of it like it was yesterday. I looked bad (colicky baby and had just moved house with a 2 yr old and a new born) but not that bad!!

Midwife "helping" me establish breast feeding upon entering the ward I was sharing with 3 others "well I think these babies aren't feeding right because they've got no names yet!". This was less than 24 hours after birth of PFB! I admit I panicked and called dh in years demanding we name him immediately. Name regret ever since

My daughter was premature and in scbu for what felt like ages whilst I was initially in the maternity ward alongside women with their newborns.

I never got to wear most of my maternity clothes as my bump wasn't that big. My tummy has no stretch marks and my belly shrunk really quickly as I was expressing. I would visit my baby in scbu and just eat meals and have a few check ups in the maternity ward.

Virtually every time I went back to my room in maternity it felt like I was asked who was I visiting by security. Everyone was so amazed how quickly I got my figure back. I really didn't care about it.

Strangely enough - no I would have preferred the stretch marks and the saggy belly and a full term baby and no, I didn't feel lucky to have my own room in the hospital - I felt very isolated. Yes I got to recover while all the hospital staff looked after my baby but I wanted to look after my baby.

I know people were only trying to point out positives to me but sometimes saying nothing is better.

Still in the delivery room in hospital after having DS2. PIL came to 'see the baby'-they'd been minding DS1. (aged 7) Stayed for a short time then said to DP - "shall we go out for lunch?"
They all went out to a restaurant leaving me in the delivery room with DS1 & 2 hours old DS2...

"Why on earth is (DH) tired? What is she doing, just lying around?"

I had an EMCS, I was fairly uncomfortable and surviving on 20-40 minutes of sleep every 4 hours or so with a refluxy baby. DH was getting 6-8 hours a night.

MIL's SIL said this. Her day of reckoning will come at a time of my choosing. Suffice to say I have yet to forgive that gem but then I always did think she was a bitchy aul hoor.

"So! When are you going back to work?" was a favourite I seem to remember!

A male colleague turned up at my house, 2 days after I got home from hospital.
I had suffered some complications following birth and was still quite poorly. God knows why dh let him in.
He came in to lounge and said, "god I thought you would be up and dressed. You better get your act together before returning to work."

A different colleague came round at around 5 weeks. She was sitting eating cake and drinking coffee with my grandad also in the room and enquired, "are you still bleeding down there?"
Followed by, "hope you have been keeping your stitches clean. You don't want a nasty infection. By looking at you, you possibly already have an infection actually."
Christ knows why she thought I would discuss this with her.

I work with idiots.

MIL on hearing me say I was seriously knackered and craved sleep, "poor baby, he didn't ask to be born"

12 years since she said that and I still dwell on hat I should've replied instead of the pathetic mumble I did do.

When my prem dd was still in NICU MIL coming to see me on the ward and saying 'this will be because you went and saw that band' fucking bitch.

When ds was a day old..MIL...Oh, my stomach went flat straight away with all three of mine, is this because you had a c-section....witch.

When Ds was ten days old FiL asked me how long I was planning on breast feeding because according to him Ds was 'boring until you're done doing that cos I can't take him to the football'. Ds is ten weeks now and upland in bfing for longer than six months and he won't be going to the football stadium until he is much older anyway.
Alot if people ask if he's a good baby. No, he has several asbos for bad behaviours and is banned from the town centre!

I plan not upland. Don't know what upland bfing is.

Jinxed I was also asked if I was "Mummy or Granny" by an old woman in the street. I was 30 ffs!

After a traumatic 2hr labour with DC1 with placental abruption, 3rd deg tear and DC in NICU due to complications as a result of the abruption and speedy delivery, the midwife in recovery breezily told me "oh well second labours are always faster". In her defence she did then back-track when she saw my horrified face.

My Dad visited when I was 2wks pp with DC2 and absolutely shattered dealing with a toddler who'd just dropped his nap and a newborn who fed all night. After lunch he announced "I'm a bit tired so just going to go upstairs for a lie down" and left me with the two children downstairs.

You're still in your pyjamas!

MIL said this to DH on arriving for unannounced visit at 10am when DS was 5 days old. Gritted teeth.

" so when are you having another one ? "

People started asking me that aftre each baby was born and only stopped when the youngest was starting school and I was approaching 50

And before any of you " young mums" wonder how someone as old as me manages to " run about " after my children at my advanced age -thanks for asking, I am finding it hard fitting it in between the marathon training

'Oh, she's ok, but nowhere near as cute as my friend X's baby' - SIL, meeting DD for the first time at 5 days old

'Make sure you sleep when the baby does!' - fucking everyone. My baby would only sleep on me in a sling while I paced around for 15 hours a day. So do fuck off. Thanks.

'Oh they 're not very interesting at this age. I'm not really bothered about them until they're about 6 months' (before asking if she could come round every day for the next 4 days to be fussed over and made cups of tea, 1 week after DD's birth) - DGM.

'Have you got any beer?' - ILs, having turned up en masse, empty handed, to meet DD for the first time on day 4. Then ate the entire contents of our fridge (which my parents had carefully stocked up for us) and sent DH out for beer. Despite us sending clear instructions to bring lunch for themselves. FFS.

Gosh, I'm lucky not to have had any of this shite!

4 hours after having my second child, mil tells me "you'd want to get out of those pajamas and out for a walk, don't want to let yourself go like last time". Ehm last time I was up and about as soon as I was released from hospital you silly cow.
Mil on day 5 "still carrying the baby weight then"
Same visit "breastfeeding is such a martyrs occupation" and finally "I don't know why you're keeping him asleep to spite me".
Just fuck the fuck off

My dm on hearing my dd name "oh...well as long as you like it.." Thanks mum!

DM again after i had been crying about dd only sleeping on me "well just put her in her cot, she should just fall asleep!" In baffled tone. Really mother?!

"Just give her a bottle, you don't have to bf her"

DB "you look rough" thanks bro, a severe pph will do that to you.

Relative of dp "just make sure you don't pick her up too much, don't let her manipulate you!" As I was cuddling my week old dd.

Oh and my grandmother "you mustn't hold her all the time darling, she'll take advantage!"

head that's awful! I heard mil say a similar thing to dh in the kitchen when she thought I couldn't hear!

I just remembered that FiL, ten days after Ds' birth on Christmas Day, snuck off to tell dh that we really should go to their house for next Christmas because they really want to have us round. Um, yeah, we have two sets of grandparents and sure they'd love to see him too.

When DS1 was born, premature, poorly and in neonatal ICU, I'd had a particularly nasty EMCS and was bedbound, very ill and three floors up on the postnatal ward. DM went nuts at me when ExP left the room because, 'What the hell is he doing going downstairs to sit with the baby, he should be going straight home and getting that wallpapering finished off! What a lazy bugger, he's just indulging himself - your dad would never be so selfish. He'd have finished the nursery off before the baby arrived!'. Um, I asked him to go and sit with my tiny ill baby, so he didn't have to be in his incubator all on his own. Wallpapering is the last thing on my mind, mother dear. And it would have been finished weeks early, had the baby bloody arrived on time!

Same tactful DM, on hearing DS's full name, 'That's absolutely horrible. I can't tell people he's called that! Oh! I get it... you're pulling my leg aren't you! Hahahaha, good one, very funny!'.

I did actually point out to her how much she had hurt me with these two incidents, a few months later. She was mortified, blamed it all on the stress of the situation at the time, apologised and has been a lot better since, thank god.

I almost forgot my neighbour, on hearing DS2's weight (6lb 6oz), said 'Bloody hell how do you keep having such tiny babies? Don't you eat when you are pregnant?' Then sympathetically, as if it had just dawned on her, 'Oo, is it anorexia? I suspected so'. Well DS1 was 5lb as he was 6 weeks early. DS2 was a perfectly normal weight thankyouverymuch! And I am most definitely not anorexic!

When's it due?

(Punches self in face)

I haven't got any awful tactless ones but DFil came around when I'd just got out of hospital (not a terrible labour but exhausting none the less!) and said 'ooooh I bet you can't wait to have a nice glass of wine can you?'!

Lol, he meant well, but at that point, knackered, torn, dripping with various bodily fluids, a glass of wine was pretty much the last thing in the world I wanted!

I am totally at these. WTAF is wrong with people?

Feeling very lucky that everyone's been lovely to me.

It would drive you to