Things you don't say to a woman with a new baby

[IShallCallYouSquishy]

I have a 21month DD and a newborn DS. DH runs his own company so had to go back to work on Tuesday so been a tough few days. A couple of corkers today made me wonder what gems other people have had said to them. Mine so far....

DMum the day after I had DS: oh DD probably thinks the baby is still in there (looking at my stomach)

DFIL today (DS is 8 days old):you look tired

DH today: you know you had a little sleep this morning and i took DD out, I was thinking of going out on my bike if it stays sunny. (I had about 3 hours sleep due to BFing DS most the night!)

Yes ok, my hormones are a bit all over the place but surely none of the above are acceptable!

Midwife in training when checking my tum and scar after EMCS, "Gosh, I've never seen bruising that bad before!".

I was incredibly anxious about it all before that comment!

wow just read whole thread and most of the things that have been said are actually really sad :(

just wtf exactly is going through these people's thick heads???

My vvv exH as he left the ward the day I gave birth to his 9.5lb son, "Promise me you'll get your figure back!"
I hope he's nicer to his second wife.

My conclusion on all this is, you have abusive individuals, many of whom hold prejudiced views about the role of women and especially the role of mothers. Quite a lot of that on this thread.

And then you have well-meaning people who come out with completely random stuff because something inside them doesn't quite know how to react to the huge life event of birth and they haven't taken the time to think about what their own role should be.

I think that the post partly period is a funny time, with lots of people changing roles and some quite complex emotions run just beneath the surface.

I wonder if some elderly people tend to 'minimise' the impact of birth because in thinking about the new baby they are forced to see themselves as one generation closer to the grave?

Branchingout i have asked the same question too? Why the elderly seem to be always belittling the impact of childbirth on women today. It feels like a competition not only childbirth but life in general. MIL left her husband when her twin boys were only 3 . Good for her and all that for being strong. However she has made it her passion to try to compete with me in almost everything.

Oh, you say you are tired. How can you be when you have one child and a husband? I had two kids and alone and i managed. Everything always end up being about her. She suffered the most. She had it tougher. She managed better. It is basically two things. Either she did it so much better and coped better or she struggled more. We can not win either way and it and depressing to be honest. Well MIL and i are not close and that is just the tip of the ice berg.

Her comments after i had DD were hurtful and i don't think i will forget because i am 38 weeks pregnant and she will definitely come up with another jem..

Sorry to derail the thread..OP.

Many years ago now, I proudly took my newborn daughter out in her pram. She had on a pink babygrow, pink cardi, pink scratch mitts, a pink hat with pink ostrich feather trimmings. There was a pink blanket with pink satin edging.

Little old lady leaned over the pram and says "Oh, lovely. What's his name?"

Pink used to be a boy's colour doc so if she was quite elderly that might explain it! Though the ostrich feathers were a clue either way

When 36 wks pregnant with ds2 still working FT in a busy ward, patient was chatting to me about work & impending arrival. Patient in the next bed pipes up "really you're pregnant! I thought you were just fat". I cried in the treatment room but now think she was just an ignorant bitch.

My mother bought me a size 14 top 10 days post giving birth to ds1 and trying to breast feed so wearing a 36 F bra "well you did over eat during pregnancy so it's not surprising it doesn't do up". I locked myself in the bathroom and howled

My dad asked someone 'ooh when's yours due then, not long now eh?' To a mum of a two month old

FIL wasn't allowed in with MIL when giving birth (olden days) when he came in to see baby after he was born he moaned about how uncomfortable the hard seat was that he had to sit in all night.

When phoned to be told I was in labour by DH
Mil " well hope you (DH) won't find it all too upsetting "
My brother " make sure you take snacks and a book because everyone focuses on the woman and nobody will bother about you it's real pain in the arse, I even had to send out for a pizza"

I remember DS was about 3 weeks old when DH approaches me with:

'I've been thinking about our cinema cards, and to make it economical you have to go at least twice a month, and really I don't see that happening.'

He was totally right, and was very kind in his tone, but to my newborn addled mind I just burst into the tears of a prisoner!

My DM came up with a corker seeing me on the day I had just given birth, this is the first thing she said to me (no 'congratulations' or 'she's lovely' or 'how are you feeling?'): "Why is your belly so fat when you've just had the baby?". Charming.

Just remembered another DH classic. About a week after dd was born he very proudly told me that throughout the labour in hospital he has been desperate for a poo but didn't think I'd want him to leave so had held it in .... Apparently this proves he is a) amazing and considerate and b ) I wasn't the only one in considerable discomfort.....it also explains his 20 min disappearance in search of "snacks" when dd was an hour old.

'Can you make me a cup of tea I don't know where you keep your cups.'
In the glass fronted cupboard in the kitchen......I could barely walk.

oh lor' - i forgot the mil thing. mine:

'i'm so glad you and s (her daughter) had such easy pregnancies - not like mine'

to be fair, she had horrendous morning sickness, which s and i didn't, but i'd love to know how 2 months confined in hospital (unstable lie) ending in a c-section counts as an 'easy pregnancy'

On the whole my MIL is lovely.

but

i swear i will explode the next time she tells me the story of:

a. how tiny she was after the birth of each of her DCs.
b. how 'perky' her boobs seem to have stayed.
c. how she loved every single minute of motherhood, and how idylic it was for all of them.

and (not so much baby related) ...
d. how she expertly juggled all her young DCs while:

• cycling miles for food (she and her DH had a car each and lived in London),
• struggling on, practically alone (DHs dad was very hands on, normal 9- 5 job)
• making do and rearing her DCs on 'what we could scrape together' (her DH worked for the electricity board and was on v.good money).

sympathy!!!!

In labour from Saturday morning to Monday morning, induced sunday morning to speed things up and contractions coming fast and hard, 5 attempts at epidural failed, got to 10cm dilated eventually, baby in distress and emcs under ga -all pretty bad.

SIL who was 36 weeks pregnant visited and seeing the state of me was terrified of her impending birth. dh said to her "don't worry, you'll be okay, Wings obviously has a very low pain threshold". If I could have moved at that point his pain threshold would have been tested!

DstepM when she came to stay, when DD1 was 2wks old: "So what's the plan for today?" I replied that my plan for the day had been to get dressed and come downstairs, so I was all done for the day bless her, she means well.

Mil when ds1 was crying and FIL said 'I think he wants his mum':

'Nonsense, she's nothing but milk to him, it's the milk he wants, not HER'.

I shit you not.

Not so much what my DM said as what she did after a 24 hour labour which ended in me having a C-section.
Everyone else sent big bunches of flowers/champagne etc.
My DM sent a normal sized bar of Dairy Milk - not even a big one!

"Just put it behind you"2 months after traumatic birth with dreadful post natal care .If only I'd thought of that!

Mil holding ds"ooh look he's rooting, i would've had lots of milk for you" I was really struggling with feeding due to then undiagnosed insufficient glandular tissue. I was desperate to bf and it was like a knife to the heart

Mil again "Don't be so silly to get depressed this time" when we announced our 2nd pg. I'd had pnd & anxiety following my first

My very exH, morning after birth of third DD, arrives to pick us up from hospital. He's had a 6yr old and a 2yr old to look after and asks me 'why the fuck I'm not ready to leave' as he's tired and wants to get home (silly me, I'd just spent 12 hours in labour and the baby hadn't yet been seen by the paediatrician.

To top it off, exH then decides to pop into a unit of the hospital where some of his work friends want to meet the baby. I drag my swollen, stitched, knackered body there and watch whilst several of his female colleagues coo over my baby. 18 months later I find out he'd had affairs with two of them. True story. Cunt.

Walking in a shopping centre with 2 week old DD2, I was stopped by a very friendly lady standing near a promotional stall. She cooed over DD, asked her age, and then gave me a leaflet for the new plus size shop that was opening. I burst into tears. I was only wearing size 14 as well!

I also had MIL both times telling me that she'd been back in her size 8 jeans the day after giving birth and that the midwife had walked her along the wards announcing to everyone that they should follow her example. I only just resisted pointing out that she probably couldn't even fit her arms into them now ....