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Parenting

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Original poster

Is getting up at night my responsibility because I don't go to work???

106 replies

panchagarmendia · 30/03/2006 15:46

hi there, the story behind this question is that ds (9 months) was unwell yesterday evening, temperature 38.7 and a running nose (do you say that? i'm german, not sure if this is correct, but i guess you know what i mean :)), so he couldn't sleep, woke up every half hour or so and i got up to comfort him, give him his medicine, something to drink etc. while dh was snoring peacefully all through to 6 o'clock this morning. so while i was wandering around the house with ds in my arms i asked myself is this really fair, just because i don't have to be in the office at 7 a.m.? i won't be able to get a lie down either during the day, have dd (almost 3 yrs) to entertain too! the thing is dh would just sleep through anything even if a bomb exploded next to him let alone dd or ds crying at night! but if i dare to wake him up because i need some rest too he will only grumble at me and be cross, in the middle of the night i don't need that either! so i'm wondering whether i'm overdemanding and this is just what i bargained for when i chose to stay at home to raise the kids ... ???

OP posts:

Twiglett · 30/03/2006 16:48

its runny nose

and I think you take it in turns ..but I think you have to make it clear to DH that its his turn ... if he's tired next day he can take a break at work .. if you are there's no-one to relieve you

skerriesmum · 30/03/2006 16:52

I think it is really interesting that the WOTH mums want to get up in the night and yet none of the working dads are expected to do it!
By the way I'm a SAHM now and I do all of it, but sometimes I get to sleep when ds does during the day. When dh and I were both working, I slept in the guest room all the time and let ds come in to me just to get some sleep. It was not worth our marriage to do sleep training on work nights!

Original poster

panchagarmendia · 30/03/2006 18:16

stupid question probably but what's a WOHT?

and twiglet, thanks for correcting me! so the nose is actually not "running away" .. :o

OP posts:

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Katemum · 30/03/2006 18:23

Work outside the home

Twiglett · 30/03/2006 18:24

working outside the home (as opposed to SAHM .. stay at home mother)

you're welcome on the correction . .. only did it because you asked though

compo · 30/03/2006 18:25

I think the responsibility should be shared. I'm a SAHM and dh works but I still thinkthat we both have a job to do in the day that we need sleep for. Just because he goes out to an office everyday doesn't mean it's any less tiring than my job.

Nightynight · 30/03/2006 18:39

IMO, the parent who stays at home should get up first in the night, because they can catch up with sleep when the baby is asleep.
Even if you dont catch up, it's easier being tired at home, than in a meeting at work.

frankly, I find just being out of the house and mixing with strangers, a lot of extra stress.

tassis · 30/03/2006 18:43

If I'd had a broken night's sleep I'd far rather spend the following day working (and I used to teach in a secondary school so not much scope for taking it easy), than spend it with a toddler...

really hope your wee one is better today pancha!

Nightynight · 30/03/2006 18:46

no, I don't buy that "oh, a toddler is the hardest job in the world" stuff.

Ive been at home with 4 children, and out earning their living, and I know which Id rather do.

expatinscotland · 30/03/2006 18:48

I agree w/NN. I'm the chief breadwinner, and when I go to work, I'm expected to be there 100% - fully made up, dressed well, focused and kind to our customers. No 'we were ill so we just stayed in our jimjams all day'. Our customers don't care that I have two little kids, they care about themselves and their problems. That's why I'm there, to serve them. Otherwise, it's going to be awfully hard to pay rent and bills.

And like it or not, paying the rent for a roof over our heads and making money for bills and food is very, very important to family life.

So DH does the bulk of getting up at night.

Does it suck w/a nearly 3 year old? Yes. As my mother said, 'That's why I went for a bigger age gap.' B/c she knew my father worked abroad a lot so we could live a good life and they could share a nice retirement.

Life's a tradeoff like that.

tassis · 30/03/2006 18:51

don't get me wrong nightynight i'd also rather stay at home with my child. that's what I've chosen to do.

But personally I think it's hard work, and there were some aspects of teaching that were easier. Like breaktime and lunchtime - bliss, being able to eat lunch and drink coffee uninterupted.

expatinscotland · 30/03/2006 18:55

Of course it's hard work, tassis, but I agree w/NN in that it's easier being tired at home than dragging your ass into work today to deal w/your stroppy clients and boss who don't give a toss that you have an ill baby/todder - past a certain point. I mean, you're being paid to do the job, which isn't looking after your kid, that's the SAHP's job.

SoupDragon · 30/03/2006 18:57

I'd go along with "most but not all" if it's a work day the day after.

tassis · 30/03/2006 18:58

So the SAHP's job involves being "on-call" 24 hours? Is that your bottom line? Or do they get time off? What is the other parent's role?

charliecat · 30/03/2006 18:59

If I could do it all again I would go to bed early suggesting dp did the 10/11/midnight feed so that i got a few hours early sleep and could cope with the rest of the night shift.
I didnt and am resentful that it was always me that got up.

jmum6 · 30/03/2006 19:00

It should be taken in turns and thats my dp who goes to work saying that. Ds is both our son, not just mine!

SoupDragon · 30/03/2006 19:01

"IMO, the parent who stays at home should get up first in the night, because they can catch up with sleep when the baby is asleep.
Even if you dont catch up, it's easier being tired at home, than in a meeting at work"

IME this isn't entirely true - you can't just sleep when the baby sleeps, especially when you have other children. Also, if you have other children to ferry about by car, being tired can be damn dangerous which being tired at work generally isn't. (unless you are, for example, a brain surgeon!)

But I still hoed with the belief that the SAH parent should do the bulk of the getting up, barring extenuating circumstances.

NomDePlume · 30/03/2006 19:02

We share it, always have. Although, tbh, if DD (now 3.5) wakes in the night and has had a nightmare or is feeling poorly then the only person she wants is me (which can be a bugger at 2am when it's his turn ).

When DD was tiny we'd alternate feed shifts, I'd do the 11pm dream feed, he'd do the 2/3am, I'd do the 6am (because she'd/we'd go back to sleep until 10.30am, but DH had to be in work at 8am).

It worked for us.

tassis · 30/03/2006 19:03

guess the bottom line is that you have to work it out with your dp

as it happens I do tend to get up most if my ds is sick, but I think I'd do that whether or not I was a SAHM (and maybe that's another thread - mummy's touch or daddy's in the middle of the night).I just don't like the idea that it's my "job" because i don't "work", but then my dh would never suggest that...

NomDePlume · 30/03/2006 19:04

If she was up every hour then I wouldn't expect DH to alternate (It'd be more like every 4th hour).

NomDePlume · 30/03/2006 19:05

Although DH gets/got up with the DSs (in their early teens now) when they are/were poorly in the night.

GDG · 30/03/2006 19:08

We share, although tbh dh probably gets up more than I do

Half the time he hears them before I do, plus I really struggle to get back to sleep once I'm up whereas he can fall asleep again straightaway. I always tell him to prod me and get me up but he won't because he knows I'll be awake for hours if I'm disturbed!

Although he works full time and I'm at home, I'm a freelancer so I'm often working in the evenings and on weekends as well as having the kids all day and running the house - so I'm actually more physically tired than he is.

I do get up though and I know when enough is enough for dh or if he really is going to need his sleep and I send him the office with the door shut while I deal whichever one it is (oh, the office has double bed in btw!!).

GDG · 30/03/2006 19:10

Like NDP we shared feeds when they were smaller. i'd go to bed earlyish and he'd do the 11pmish feed and then I'd do the 3amish one so he'd get a full night from 11-7.

Funny how everyone is saying their children want mummy in the night - ds2 especially always asks for daddy which is most handy

Blandmum · 30/03/2006 19:11

I was a SAHM when my kids were small. I got up with them in the night through the week. Dh is a pilot and they do have to have enough slepp to be safe (and legal btw). On the weekend we shared friday and saterday, sundays I got up.

WideWebWitch · 30/03/2006 19:13

Dh and I have always shared getting up at night. We did when I was a sahm and he was a wothd, and when he was a sahd and I was a wothm. We're past sleepless nights now but would consider it both our responsibility. Being at home with children IS work, that's why you'd have to pay someone to do it if you didn't want to. And it's bloody hard work imo.

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