Is getting up at night my responsibility because I don't go to work???

[panchagarmendia]

hi there, the story behind this question is that ds (9 months) was unwell yesterday evening, temperature 38.7 and a running nose (do you say that? i'm german, not sure if this is correct, but i guess you know what i mean :)), so he couldn't sleep, woke up every half hour or so and i got up to comfort him, give him his medicine, something to drink etc. while dh was snoring peacefully all through to 6 o'clock this morning. so while i was wandering around the house with ds in my arms i asked myself is this really fair, just because i don't have to be in the office at 7 a.m.? i won't be able to get a lie down either during the day, have dd (almost 3 yrs) to entertain too! the thing is dh would just sleep through anything even if a bomb exploded next to him let alone dd or ds crying at night! but if i dare to wake him up because i need some rest too he will only grumble at me and be cross, in the middle of the night i don't need that either! so i'm wondering whether i'm overdemanding and this is just what i bargained for when i chose to stay at home to raise the kids ... ???

I just don't buy this 'it's harder WOTH so the WOTH parent needs their sleep more' line, I really don't. If a sahm makes a serious mistake she can kill someone too - her child/ren actually. OK, so sometimes the sahp can sleep during the day and if they're going to and will and are happy to accept that trade off then fine but if you have more than one child it's unlikely. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and both parents should be responsible for dealing with it imo. And men very often seem to get away with it because they moan more. It's pathetic, I hate being knackered too, who doesn't but I wouldn't have let dh off doing his share just because he was grumpy about it.

But hey, let's make it clear that anyone who is utterly happy with getting up at night and letting their partner have a full night unbroken sleep so they can get up and go to work (because being at home with children isn't work, right? Er, I think it is actually!) then that's up to them.

WWW you put it so well

We've always shared getting up at night - can't imagine not doing so to be honest. I work full time and think I get the easier deal during the day - dp works incredibly hard at home with ds's - and she now works 34 hours outside home aswell... But even when she was a full time SAHM I wouldn't have considered not getting up for the kids at night just because I had to get up for work - doesn't come into it. We're both their parents so we both get up - regardless of who ds's call for etc.etc.

WWW and dottydot, well said. I totally agree, me and DH always shared it. And in fact, when Ds was about 18 months and waking alot we found it was clinginess that was doing it, he just wanted mum with him all night if he could so arrange it! So DH went in alone for a couple of nights, and the problem was solved...

I can never understand the martyrdom of some people "well, my DH has responsible job...." as if the stay at home mum DOESN'T! My DH has always been realistic and said that the person at home with the kids actually works harder...

Of course I can understand safety if someone is an airline pilot or long distance lorry driver..but this doesn't apply to all jobs.

Of course parents should share it!

A very interesting thread for me as it's an issue I think about.

My ds4 is 6 months & I've done everynight & day since he was born as I'm bf & co-sleeping. I have a time off of 5-20mins per day when dh holds him - during this moment I also do some jobs in the house that are tricky to do when holding ds4. My dh works long hours so not around to help in the week.

I've not slept properly since I was preg so am feeling just worn out. Last weekend I had vertigo as I was so tired. Every morning I have to get up to take my other kids to school. There's no rest & no break.

so, ds is better actually thank god and thanks for all your wishes. right now he's catching up on some sleep which i can't because dd is around!
i also think it depends on the kind of job your dp has, being a pilot or brain surgeon with sleep deprivation is quite a strong argument to stay in bed and get your sleep. anyway, my dh works in an office where i know for a fact (as i used to do the same job)he can take his time out every once in a while and have a cup of coffee and a cigarette - and i'm pretty sure that's what he does . so in our case i think he should be doing his share especially if one of them is sick and probably up most of the night. i don't mind getting up once or twice if i know it's not likely to happen more often during that night.

besides, i know it's probably that you always want what you don't have but sometimes i would prefer the office to my home just because i know there are people you can reason with - most of the time anyway ! i also know that on some days my dh feels the same way, that he would like to stay at home rather than go to the office, but i'm not so sure that this is not due to a completely wrong idea of what my usual day is like!

I have the same problem, my two boys are 31/2 and 2 and my dh HAS never got up to them in the night and i don't even get a lie in when he's not working. I don't think that they know how much looking after kids takes it out of you.

I think I deal better with sleep deprivation than my dh. He can't take more than two nights of broken sleep without getting really cross. He's in a new job too and trying to prove himself so it's hard.

childern, exactly! i know my dh means it more as a joke than anything else when he says to me so you must have had a nice easy day, but still i think why does he have to say that at all! i always feel i have to justify why i am knackered and might need some sleep too at night. thing is, they never will know what it's like to have the kids around alone the whole day because when dh is at home of course it's not that bad. sometimes i wish i could tape one normal day with the kids and show it to him i wonder what he would say!

well i think youre all very lucky if you get even a little bit of help, im a worker with a toddler and alone so i do the lot

i know exactly how you feel! we had 8 weeks or so where we both woke for ds then dh suddenly went back to remaining unconcious no matter what. i feel far too guilty to wake him as i know his job exhausts him but...grrr! :)

7up i feel for you being alone parent i feel very much like alone parent he works very long hours every other weekend and when he is off seems to find other things todo [not all the time but more often than not]

Ds woke up last night with a fever - we both got up to him, one of us to stay with him as they other got nurofen, thermometer etc. I then took him to bed with me and dh went to the spare room. I don't have to work until this evening, as if he's sick we can both probably have a rest this afternoon.

Your dh will have sick leave in his job - so if your child is ill in the night he can have the sick leave to have a sleep the next day.

If your kids get ill at the weekend I would leave him to it.

I've always thought it my responsibility as I chose to be a sahm even though dh was in complete agreement. But he does help, sometimes if I get so tired I have slept through one of dts (age 4) waking up he will go and see to them, sometimes taking them downstairs and both of them will sleep on the sofa. It means neither I or the other dts get disturbed and does make a difference!

He will, if I have had a really sleepless night with them, get them up in the morning and give them breakfast etc. So even though he works I would say we share, I do feel really, really guilty though.

But if I have had lots of bad nights and he has slept soundly I am mean enough to make enough noise when getting up to wake him too.

I am a SAHM, dh has a demanding job and usually works a 10 hour day.

However - although I feel it should be my job to get up at night, dh doesn't see it like that, and what tends to happen is that the person most able to get up, does. In practice this means the one who hears dd2 first (dd1 never wakes in the night!), or if one of us is particularly tired for some reason or not feeling 100%, then the other one will get up.

Dh appreciates that being at home is not necessarily the easy option, and that I can't look after the dd's adequately if I am exhausted.

I was on maternity leave, until last week, and I used to get up while dp slept. He used to take over at the weekends.

Now that I'm back to work, I will be doing the first shift (10pm - 2am)and dp the 2nd shift (2am - 6am) or doing day about, whatever works best.

Am surprised that anyone would expect their partner to get up, if they have to go to work the next day. Before anyone jumps down my neck I know that looking after children is hard work too!!

gona add that IF i did have a partner living with me id hope he'd help out quite a bit, praps with bathing and giving tea and getting up at least once at night regardless of him working or not. i think SAHM's work just as hard with cleaning, washing, ironing, school runs etc etc etc, and keeping kids amused all day. def would wana break at the weekend tho

x post with you red

I am surprised that anyone would NOT expect their partner to get up redtartanlass (unless exceptions like airline pilot etc who I gave honourable immunity to earlier). You are BOTH parents and the one who is at home with the kids is working AS hard if not harder than most workers in jobs. And you are responsible for another human life, not just the safety of it but the nurture and development of it in every way. Something I think you need to be as rested as possible to acheive each day.

Good grief Sparklemagic, I completely agree that looking after kids can sometimes be harder than going out to work!! I don’t refute that at all, but in our relationship if one of us has to get up during the night, it’s the one that is not working the next day.

I just believe it’s easier to have a lazier day at home than at work, and as for the nurture and development of our kids we share that responsibility, but hey each to their own

My dh used to operate excavators and heavy machinery and he had to drive to work and back. If he had to do that whilst tired, he would have been dangerous. So if your dh/dps are driving at all and you are not, then forget all about equality, if you make them get up at night and send them off to work tired, you are putting them and other people in danger.

Well my DH used to pull into a layby and have a nap when the babies were tiny. Dh does a lot of driving btw (40K a year) so it was not like he was half way to the office at the other side of town or something. I went back to work 3 days when DS was 4 months and still feeding frequently at night, with a 20odd mile commute and it was hard.

Its generally me because DP is a very poor sleeper and so I feel like I should let him rest if he is asleep.

If they are ill (i.e vomiting) then DP gets up whether he is working or not as I cannot cope with that, thankfully that doesn't happen often. I look after them if they have high temperatures etc cos I know when their temperature is up or down, DP hasn't got a clue.

These days it only happens if DD is teething and we take it in strict turns although it is always my turn first. So if DD cries once I get up. If she cries 5 times I get up 3x and DH gets up 2x. Although that would generally meant she was quite poorly in which case she would end up in bed with me and DH would sleep on the settee.