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Toddler and newborn...How??? Support thread?

995 replies

Suchanamateur · 01/03/2012 10:27

I am in the very early days of having a newborn (9 days old) and an almost 2 yr old DS and am seriously struggling at the thought of DH going back to work in the next few days - for a number of reasons. I had a taste of it yesterday when DH had to go into the office, unexpectedly, for much of the day.

DS is an absolute joy and I totally loved the few weeks of maternity leave pre DD when we just hung out all week. But now he is in total Mummy rejection mode and terribly teary. Utterly understandable but quite upsetting.

DD is a sweet little froggy newborn, doing froggy newborn things - eating, sometimes sleeping - and mostly at inconvenient times. I had a really awful time in the early months of my DS and the scars run deep (plus PND) - so every time I can get her to nap, I can feel huge waves of anxiety washing over me. I know they are different children, but I can't help project into a future where she doesn't sleep, night or day, and wonder how I will manage - I used to walk DS in a sling for hours and hours outside but that isn't an option with two of them. It was only at around 6 months when we did some sleep training that thing started to even out a bit with DS, and then got wonderful and I understood how you might actually enjoy being a mother. Six months seems an age away!

DD is currently cluster feeding without stop from about 5/6 until 10 ish. I can just about handle the clustering later in the evening, but I've got no idea how I handle DS dinner, bath and bed with a baby clamped to me and DS saying 'Mummy no' at everything..

I know pretty much the answer to all this is grit teeth, ride it through and this too shall pass. But wondering if anyone in a similar situation wanted to join in to help it pass? Or provide wise words and comfort from somewhere out the other side?

OP posts:
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Suchanamateur · 02/03/2012 00:38

Very selfishly, I'm relieved to see all the responses as I know I'm not alone and that every other mother of more than one isn't Mary poppins-ing along with their brood singing about spoonfuls of sugar.. Thanks to all those who reminded us that it will pass and for the advice. TBH I hated the newborn phase with DS and definitely wished it away. Suspect the same will happen now- just need to make peace with that-less bOthered for DD but don't want to wish away DS' developments and constant new discoveries. I certainly miss him.

Sympathies to those with reflux babies-DS had reflux and it was no fun (although cleared around 6mo so we got off lightly). And Grumpla hope your appointment with the BF counsellor is helpful tomorrow. I had a difficult start with DS and I know how stressed and awful it made me feel. KD0607 - I hope your little one comes home soon; makes my worries pale into insignificance.

Really helpful to have people's ideas about what works for bedtime. I think I'm pretty far off having any routine for DD right now that is t just keeping her contains while DS goes down but will hopefully be there at some point.

After a long day of non stop feeding (thinking this must be a growth spurt), clinging on to the good things: DH not back at work yet, the weather and that DS actually let me read him a story tonight without pushing me away and asking for Daddy. Trying to ignore the fact that my mad neighbours have chosen this week to restart their extremely loud all night arguments..

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surroundedbyblondes · 02/03/2012 06:38

Totally, totally agree with msbossy's double buggy theory. An investment yes, but one that is worth it. I know that two year olds can walk. So could ours, but being able to get them both out of the house without it always being in the car is worth a lot. And there are plenty of good second hand ones out there on t'internet;

Grumpla · 02/03/2012 08:35

Ha! I thought I was being so organised buying a double buggy in a fit of pregnancy insomnia ebaying! Unfortunately it is so big I can't fit it through any of the doors in our house. Or most of the pavements in our town. Whoops.

Having said that today has been a slightly more tranquil morning - DH is still asleep with DS2 upstairs and me and DS1 have had a nice morning so far - story, breakfast and now Telly without a tantrum!!! I have been up since 5am though...

Interested in this thread?

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Fuchzia · 02/03/2012 08:59

I'll join too if I may? I've got a 7 day old and one just turned two. It's already been hell this week with DH here as Ive lost a lot of blood and am shattered. Was re-admitted to hospital briefly yesterday so was able to get some rest then! DH broadly sympathetic but isn't blessed with a lot of empathy and doesn't really get that I feel like I've been run over by a truck! From Monday I have to run the show and I'm terrified.

I plan on lots of cbebbies to get us through.

ThatllDoPig · 02/03/2012 09:07

agree with msbossy, you need. . .
double buggy
tele
biscuits
tablets
good friends
one day at a time
Be proud of what you are doing

ThatllDoPig · 02/03/2012 09:08

and online grocery shopping!

mistressploppy · 02/03/2012 13:01

This thread was such a good idea, I'm glad I've joined!

Is anyone else wondering how to get a routine going when there's two of 'em? I was quite reliant on routine to keep me sane with DS1 and I accept that you just can't be as rigid with the second, but wondered what others might be doing? DS1 (2.4) still naps after lunch so it would be GREAT if they both slept then.

I agree with the double buggy thing - I umm'ed and ahh'ed about getting one but I'm so glad I did, it's the best thing ever - sling them both in and get out to pound the pavement. It's great to have somewhere to incarcerate the toddler too if necessary Blush, ie if you have to feed baby on a park bench and he keeps running off....

Suchanamateur · 02/03/2012 13:30

I've been wondering that too. We had a loose-ish routine with DS from about 10 weeks which helped him settle and helped me know wtf I should be doing next. I'd like to have something similar with DD but it may be some way off. A dual sleeping nap would be a bonanza. DD currently sleeping sprawled across me while DS in nursery today.

I'm surprised how many of my good intentions from last experience have evaporated. For some reason I had images of my putting down DD awake in her basket and her just drifting off while DS and I did something bonding together. Ha. Cue reality of my desperately jiggling/boobing DD to get her off whilst finding DS his favourite Nelly the Elephant video on YouTube. And her sleeping peacefully in basket all night?? Reality: her head smells of my armpit from cosleeping. I figure I will tackle in a few months although have hideous nagging rod/back feelings after hell of DS sleep. Who is now waking up needing reassurance several times a night too.

OP posts:
Iggly · 02/03/2012 14:25

I don't have a routine yet but think I need one (DD is 13 weeks). However each day is slightly different, the only routine I'm aiming for is making sure DD gets a decent nap between 4-5pm so she's ok for bedtime. We're slowly trying to slot her into DS's routine but she gets too tired so rarely lasts past his bath!

DS was a shocking sleeper and I di have a routine with him but he changed so much in the first few months that it didn't really settle until 6 months when we went onto solids. So I'm not going to get to her up about it with DD - her bedtime is the goal for now!!

I have a double buggy but dont use it just yet - still using a sling and the maclaren single for DS although he wants to walk more. Slings are great to get DD napping as she doesn't like a pushchair - DS was the same and didn't take to it until 4-5 months.

MariaCallous · 02/03/2012 14:37

Dd is 2.11 and ds 10m. It's full on. But finally I'm finding it's wonderful. My suggestions are double buggy, cleaner, sling, few sessions at nursery for the toddler and take all the help you can get.

I still find it really hectic, especially as I've worked since ds was about 3m, no choice as I'm self employed, but they are starting to be great chums. I've also had pnd and managed to get through that. I love it, love them and am generally pretty happy so there is hope!

MariaCallous · 02/03/2012 14:39

And tv is your friend. Better 15 mins tv and 15 mins proper 121 w your toddler than half an hour mutual frustration.

DreamingOfPeace · 02/03/2012 14:49

oh help.... my twins are due in 4 weeks 5 days (not that I'm counting). I have a 17 month old super-cliny, mummy-obsessed typical PFB DD.

Gulp...

Can I join in advance?

notso · 02/03/2012 14:57

Can I please mark my place?
DC4 is due in just over 7 weeks, DC3 is 14 months. I also have a 7yo and 11yo, so this is my first (and last) small age gap.
I am telling myself and everyone else that it'll be fine, but inside I am petrified.
Worried about someone being left out, about BFing and not letting my house descend into chaos.
DC3 doesn't watch TV, he dances at the theme tunes for stuff but thats about it. I am struggling to find a suitable double pram and can't afford a cleaner. Should I abandon hope now?

Iggly · 02/03/2012 15:20

notso, we've not had a cleaner for the last three months and have been ok just

Grumpla · 02/03/2012 18:38

Well I had a good session with the breastfeeding counsellor today! Have managed to feed DS THREE times! Definitely less painful since he had his tongue tie done but still a bit sore from previous damage.

But now I'm wondering... What the hell am I going to do with DS1 if I'm breastfeeding DS2?!?!

Its okay for him to watch videos for hours on end? Right? The bf woman suggested a bag of special toys that are just for bf sessions. But getting them in / out of the bag sounds like another potential tantrum flashpoint to me. Has anyone successfully managed this? Situation compounded by the fact that DS1 refuses to draw / play with puzzles and the only craft activity he enjoys is squashing play-doh into the carpet.

UntamedShrew · 02/03/2012 18:47

[late to the party as usual] Please can I join?

Twin DSs are 2.10 and baby DD is 12 weeks. DS1 has awful cough, DD had jabs yesterday so is not overly happy and DS2 is in a very strange place at the moment - lurching between hyper (bashing poorly DS1) and utterly dejected. And he seems to have gone deaf! I've no voice left from repeating things over and over. usually while breastfeeding DD.

Sweetheart, no, no, not with the electricity, honey that's dangerous, please listen & stop playing with that, stop it lovey, no,no don't hit your brother, no not the electricity again, no sweetie not with your fingers OHFORGODSSAKESTOPTHATATONCE Blush

UntamedShrew · 02/03/2012 18:50

Grumpla your feeds will get quicker. Currently I feed DD in morning before boys are up (kills me to wake baby but the alternative ain't pretty). Then next feed once boys are at nursery. Then next feed while they are eating, then watching cbeebies (the only 2 activities that hold their attention) and last one either while they're in bath or after they're in bed.

trixie123 · 02/03/2012 19:13

hi everyone. I have a 2.5 yo DS and a 9m daughter. It is difficult to balance it and I occasionally felt quite resentful Blush of my son because I wanted to just be all baby obsessed and cuddled up with her and of course you are knackered so when she slept I would think, "if it wasn't for you DS I could sleep now". Once that haze passes though it starts to sort itself out - the key things I found are:
1.Doing specific nice things with toddler when baby is asleep so that the next things are so bad:
2.Cbeebies
3.Sessions of Pre-school
4.Extra afternoons with CM so you have one-on-one with baby
5.Visits to park are great - baby will sleep in pram parked at the side of the swings just as well as in bed at this stage. Invest in either a double buggy or buggy board if the toddler isn't really old enough to reliably walk or not want to be carried OR sling for baby and trike for toddler (though lifting toddler while wearing baby is difficult)

  1. Visitors and grandparents

Congrats on your lovely newborns and HTH Smile

trixie123 · 02/03/2012 19:13

that should be "aren't so bad"!

Grumpla · 02/03/2012 22:49

Right. We have resolved to Go To The Park tomorrow!

At the moment DH and I seem to be swapping children but not really doing anything altogether, so this will be a big step.

Then we just have to figure out how to do it on our own...!

Suchanamateur · 03/03/2012 08:21

Welcome new joiners and thanks for continuing advice from the veterans. Iggly - is your DH around to help with bedtime? I can't see how else to manage otherwise- not that I'm near there yet as our 'bedtime' is still closer to 10 than anything civilised.

Grumpla- good luck with Operation Park today. We did it earlier in the week and once it worked really well - ie baby slept and toddler played and once not so well- ie baby cried. and good news on the bfing- hope it continues.

I had a truly crap night last night- DD just wouldn't settle and Ben when she came into bed with me and slept a bit, she was grunting and wriggling like crazy so I couldn't sleep. About 2 hours in all over the 10 hr period- lovely. Nut be wind but I jut can't seem to get it up. Any tips??

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Suchanamateur · 03/03/2012 09:38

Oh and MariaCallous- your post made me well up. Bloody hormones. But do hope that before my may leave is up, I can genuinely say that I find some o it wonderful. Have already warned my doctor about a possible need to return to the happy pills. Hope everyone gets a bit of respite today is partners are around to help.

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Astronaut79 · 03/03/2012 10:22

I've bought a sling and a buggy board, mainly because I'm tight and couldn't face the thought of a new pram!

It's working so far. If I want to have a longish walk, it's pushy and sling; if it's a shortish walk or just round the shops, often a buggy board. THe only trouble is that toddler is so enamoured with the board, he won't walk!

Not much respite in our house today - I'm really connied up (thank you chippie tea and breastfeeding Angry and have been for a couple of days.

DH was woken up with a painful testicle and can't really do an awful lot. So that's the zoo trip out then!
Grumpla, I'm finding thatthe park is our saviour at the moment, as it means ds doesn't want me around, so I don't feel like I'm juggling the two of them.

Grumpla · 03/03/2012 11:07

Well we haven't made it yet Sad

Two failed attempts to bf today, which meant two sessions on the bloody breast pump. And now my nipple has cracked again.

I've read Peepo five times since 6am and frankly it is getting a little wearing.

Iggly · 03/03/2012 11:13

Grumpla, can you stick the telly on?