Not an AIBU but which stage of life with kids is harder?

[Newmummytobe79]

When I worked in a high pressurised job I didn't think life could get any harder - fell asleep on sofa as soon as I got home, cleaning done at weekends, not having a social life during the week etc etc

I then thought it couldn't get any harder when I was pregnant in said job.

When I had my baby I (very tough birth/borderline PND) sleep deprivation and the shock of the responsibility made me think I was going mad!

I now enjoy my time with my 3 1/2 month baby ... most of the time ! But on bad days I wonder how I'll ever combine work and a social life whilst having a child, ever again. I would like another child in the future but really don't know how people do it!

I have friends who have kids of school age and toddlers, they work part time and still manage to have a social life - how!?!

Friends have been understanding with me missing social events (especially over Christmas) etc ... but I often wonder if they think 'if she thinks having a baby is tough, wait until she has 2/3 kids'

Does it continue to get harder or does life kind of settle down?

Just wondering what the future holds really.

i think it depends totally on the child, and the situation you are in.

my first child was just gorgeous, he just slept and was cuddled and slept, and fed, and slept... juist perfect. all the other mums were frazzled and saying how awful the newborn bit was and I was too scared to tell them that actually i found it easy and had nothing to do all day!
he was a gorgeous toddler too. no terrible 2's, just cute little boy.

then he hit 4 and oh boy! did it change. actually it turned out he has autism which may explain the abnormal level of just nothing-ness of his early days and how easy-going he was. he is now 7 and I struggle with him big time.

my second child was an absolute hellish baby. he just cried ALL. THE. TIME. I literally nearly had a breakdown it was so awful. He was so difficult and I really struggled at the time ,and often felt like I hated him

he is now a fabulous 4 year old who is easy-going and nice as pie.

the third one? mixture of the 2. he's a little terror.

Does anyone think that NotnOtter just might be having trouble with her teenagers atm [innocent]?

I found the first year very very tough - and the first half of that tougher than the second half. iT WILL GET BETTER, I PROMISE. I think your experience of the first year depends on all sorts of things - I found the lack of sleep very tough, and the loss of time to myself very very hard to handle.

My dc are now 2 and 6, and it is way easier - especially with the 6yo. It is still hard, it will always be hard, but I feel human again in a way that I didn't in the first year.

The thought of teenagers just makes me stick my fingers in my ears and sing lalalala very loudly.

When your first baby is born you feel too tired to socialise - the sleep deprivation is such a shock first time around! When you have more children you are still tired (2 of mine were bad sleepers) but you kind of get used to not getting quite enough sleep and you don't want to keep missing out on your life - so I reclaimed my social life much sooner with DC2 and DC3 than I did with DC1.

I must confess to looking at families with 1 or 2 children and thinking it must be easy for them. I have to remind myself I didn't feel that way when I was in their shoes!

I have 3 kids aged 2, 4 and 6 btw.

Maryz - had a week end from hell but all better now t̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶n̶e̶x̶t̶ ̶t̶i̶m̶e̶ ̶u̶n̶d̶o̶u̶b̶t̶e̶d̶l̶y̶ but hey ho!! Thanks for thinking of me!!

Hardest bit having a toddler and a baby and no sleep. Teenagers so far a walk in the park after that.

For me the toddler years were hard work physically but my teen has been worse mentally and emotionally.

Swings and roundabouts.

Teenage. Especially girls. Mentally shredding. Would take twice their weight in insomniac toddlers anyday because you can make toddlers happy by taking them to the park. Or whatever. You can do it. It is within your grasp.
You can't make teens happy. Time doesn't do it. Money doesn't do it. Love doesn't do it. Only their peers can do it, and they are beyond your reach.

TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENS
I have triplets, 2 boys and a girl, they will be 14 at the end of this month.
Their first 7 years was heaven, truly............I loved every single minute of it, it wasnt stressful, it was a happy lovely time. From 7 they began to change but were ok. Then.................they left primary school and in that first year at secondary I lost them. Now its a constant battle, the boys are not as bad as their sister. She is sooooooo rude , rebellious etc. There are times when they have reduced me to tears. Having three the same age feels like a gang getting onto you.My husband is currently fighting cancer, he gets very tired but they just go on and on. Love them to bits, but dont always like them...................does that make me a bad mother

no triplets - dp and i nodding in agreement!!

I agree with some other people who have said that sometimes it is not helpful to hear it never gets easier and each stage is just as hard but different. That just cannot be true. I have a 13 month old and if it stayed this hard, you would never ever have another child. Waking at 4am, restricted social life, constant whinging, always having to be on high alert. Please don't tell me that having a 10 year old, for example, is as time consuming and stressful as a new born or a 13 month old. If it is, then I am in serious trouble because I only just copy with my 13 month old, and count down each day to I get closer to when he can talk and walk and communicate and rationalise. If it is always this hard, then I honestly don't think I can cope.

For me it started off hard and really has just got better ever since. I'm not someone who loves babies too much, so this is not that surprising! My two are 11 and 12, so we've got teenagerdom around the corner, but I know people for whom this has been an OK time too, so whilst I am aware it could all go terribly wrong for a while I'm cautiously optimistic!

I've loved most watching my two grow and learn, even when that has involved some screaming and shouting along the way. It was interesting that the period I hated most was the one our nanny at the time loved, so I think it's not just about the baby and the circumstances, but also about what you like and don't like as a parent. For me nothing really beats a silly bit of banter with my two, and you can't really do that with babies

Emmy it is just as time consuming having a ten year old but it is time consuming in a different way. You get more sleep and a better social life when they get older and there's less hands on caring but the stresses are always there. Parenting is full time, hands on drudgery and worth every second that you spend on it :)

I find having older children MORE time consuming too. I'm more tired now that my kids are older than when I had 6 kids age 8 and under. Why? I don't know but it is.
Sure they're at school now so it's much easier during the day but their needs are much more complicated then they were when they were little. I think there is a nice lull once toddlerdom has finished and the pre teens start, so between say 4 to 9 years. Then it gets hard again.

If it is always this hard, then I honestly don't think I can cope.

I think the thing is that there are challenges at every stage, but they are not ever-present, and as others have said different people (parent or child) will deal with different stages better or worse than others.

FWIW I found the first few months horrific - I loved my DD from the word go, but I didn't really feel a 'bond' with her until she was about 5 months. Things got better from there and the 'terrible two's' just didn't happen at all - she was an angel. We had a blip at 3.6 and some issues at 4.6 in the run up to starting big school, then peace and now at 7.4 have hit a dip again.

She is just very sensitive and analytical and picks up and mulls over everything to the nth degree, compounded by the fact she has ears like a bat and the memory of an elephant .

If I'm honest I think she could do with some proper help dealing with her sensitivity/anxiety but am desperate not to have her 'labelled'.

Sorry - went off at a tangent a bit there !

So far (3 DDs, eldest is 5. 6) I have found different bits difficult with each child.

DD1 was a difficult baby, she became much easier when she could talk.

DD2 was a very easy baby and is currently a fairly tricky toddler, she doesn't tantrum often but when she does she can keep it up all day!

DD3 is only a month old and is an easy baby, but I am finding the relentlessness a bit wearing.

emmylou, don't worry. The advantage of having a second child if you have a horror of a first one is that they seem easy by comparison .

The thing is, you get used to the chaos, but also most people get only one non-sleeper, or one teenage tearaway. If you have difficult first baby (and it sounds as though you are having it tough) your next one with be a doddle!

And I also have a theory that difficult babies are often easy teens - I don't know if you get used to it, or if they get less demanding or what, but my dd who was a non-sleeping, non-eating whinger for the first four years of her life is a very pleasant 15 year old now

I would also be a great fan of parenting courses for any parent who is finding any stage a bit tough.

They are great - the ones where you go for a number of weeks, and are in a group with other parents of kids of similar ages and stages. You practice techniques and go back and discuss things with the group.

They are great for learning new ways of managing your children: they are even better as you realise that everyone else is struggling too. And you often discover that you are actually doing very well, and that your relationship with your child is very good.

I don't know who runs them in England, but I've been on various ones here (Ireland) over the years and enjoyed every single one.

When dd was a baby I felt like I was slowly suffocating. I couldn't ever imagine being me again. Couldn't imagine going out or laughing or even smiling. The bfing, exhaustion, lack of decent food, inability to lose weight, tears, depression etc consumed me. Somehow I got through it and as soon as dd could talk/walk at about 18 months, I adored it. She's 4.8 now and in reception at primary school and for the last 3 years, it's been wonderful. It gets easier and easier the less frustrated they are and the more independence they gain.

And I also have an 18wo ds and he's a different baby entirely. He's almost easy, apart from being v v sicky. We had a dinner party for 15 on Saturday and sat up till 2am chatting to old friends, laughing and enjoying ourselves.

So different children = different challenges but it certainly can get much, much better after a consuming and horrendous start.

I have only had teenagers (stepdaughters, had each one living with me from age 13 on only), a baby and a toddler (DS now aged two and a half). Teenagers are a complete doddle in comparison in my opinion.

I hated the baby bit - lack of independence for both of us! todller in nursery was fine as we had a good routine for the day.

About 4 years old was my favourite, he is 7 now and we have some challenges ahead!
Not having any more - I have a stressful full time job and frankly I have to be realistic - I like my job, I love my husband and son and I dont want to turn into a psycho just because of pressure to have a second so it's just the three of us!

Have four DCS ,from 22 to 6 and definitely say teens.Especially girls.

I agree with BettyBedlam back up the thread - the first thing that jumped to my mind was my MIL's delightful advice during my pregnancy that'it'll get worse before it gets better'! I also think it's really hard to give an honest and accurate answer to this question as you tend to forget the detail of the agonies you may have gone through ten or 15 years ago and be much more aware of problems you may be having now. OR if you ahd a particularly traumatic time like PND, a seriously ill child, that will be the time which will stick in your mind and nothing can be as bad.

I (DD 12, DS 7) have found different things easy and hard throughout parenting and I think the hardest thing overall for me might be the cumulative effect (or Banging Head on Brick Wall Effect) of everyday behaviour, discipline, routine etc, that it just NEVER STOPS and I am still asking dd to eat nicely with knife and fork at every meal, pick stuff up, etc etc on and on ad infinitum!

Parenting just is really hard work. Having said all that I think first baby is a massive shock to the system which some cope with better than others, adding a second or third under five is another big shift, then if you are lucky you might have a lull till they start getting hormonal at about 9-11!

In their teens you are once again actually thinking about the physical dangers which threaten your child - used to be sharp corners, hot liquids etc now it's roads, drugs and alcohol, bullying, sex, pregnancy....the difference is it is all pretty much out of your control. That is another thing which is much harder for some people than others.