Not an AIBU but which stage of life with kids is harder?

[Newmummytobe79]

When I worked in a high pressurised job I didn't think life could get any harder - fell asleep on sofa as soon as I got home, cleaning done at weekends, not having a social life during the week etc etc

I then thought it couldn't get any harder when I was pregnant in said job.

When I had my baby I (very tough birth/borderline PND) sleep deprivation and the shock of the responsibility made me think I was going mad!

I now enjoy my time with my 3 1/2 month baby ... most of the time ! But on bad days I wonder how I'll ever combine work and a social life whilst having a child, ever again. I would like another child in the future but really don't know how people do it!

I have friends who have kids of school age and toddlers, they work part time and still manage to have a social life - how!?!

Friends have been understanding with me missing social events (especially over Christmas) etc ... but I often wonder if they think 'if she thinks having a baby is tough, wait until she has 2/3 kids'

Does it continue to get harder or does life kind of settle down?

Just wondering what the future holds really.

OP, to answer your qu, I think the honest answer is that people with 2+ kids do probably look at you with one and think "piece of cake". My DS is now 9 weeks and I have a DD of 2.7. On the days when I am alone with DS, I now think "what on earth was so challenging when it was just me and DD!!" To be fair DS is a dream baby though, days when it is just me and him are very relaxing as he just feeds, plays about a bit, then sleeps.

But people who think having one is easy from the vantage point of having two, are not comparing like with like. Its easy to have one baby when you have already gone through the baby stage and are used to a toddler.

But with your first you are making the transition to parenthood and responsibility and it is this, more than the actual demands on your time, that is the real burden with your first.

With your second baby, you don't have to carry that burden again - you have already adjusted to being a parent, always coming second to the children, never having time for yourself, the responsibility of ALWAYS having to think about a little person, 24/7. Plus the baby seems easy compared to your toddler, ha ha! There are challenges when you have two, but they are logistical (you become MUCH more busy and you often have two of them screaming for you simultaneously which is slightly mind bending) rather than psychological, if you get my meaning.

I think when your baby is a toddler you will probably think that toddlerdom is harder than you have it now. Toddlers ARE hard - OK they do sleep through the night usually, but oh the endless negotiations, dramas, tantrums, irrational behaviour- such an emotional rollercoaster and its really tiring having to be the adult rather than just come down to their level and scream! At the same time they are still pretty dependent - you can't yet just "direct" a toddler to have a wash/clean teeth/eat food. You still have to do it all with them just like with a baby.

But don't panic, toddlerdom doesn't happen overnight, its a gradual change, and you will be able to cope when it happens! The challenges will appear and you will step up, because you have to! Mothers are forged out of steel, after all ...

I nurture a fantasy that once mine are both at school life is going to be much easier, but I am sure the challenges will just be different ones!

Best of luck!

For me, the thing that has so far been 'easiest' is the sunlit uplands of late childhood where my DSs more or less are, at 10.5 and 12.5. They're reasonably:

-independent
-biddable
-coherent
-reasonable
-fun!

But I should add I do, should I gaze off beyond the sunny plateau on which we dwell, see the storm clouds of adolescence brewing. We had had the odd thunderclap already; occasional, unforeseen chill winds rattle our happy home.....

I see trouble ahead.....

I have an insanely hormonal 12 year old dd.

An over-emotional, hypochondriachal, camp 8 year old.

And a 6 year old with aspergers and ADHD.

They fight and moan ALL THE TIME. They don't help me around the house. My 12 year old tells me regularly that I'm a shit mum and everyone knows it. This is despite the fact that I give them loads of love and cuddles, read to them EVERY night, listen to them, support them at school and organise activities for them.

I look back at when they were babies and mourn for how easy I used to find it. Breastfeeding, night waking - it was a doddle compared to now. Their needs were relentless but easily met. They didn't cry much and they ate well.

I got PND when my youngest was 4.

Honestly my children have made me cry more in the last few years than I would have EVER imagined possible.

Postscript - To be fair to toddlers, though, they are immensely sweet too! My DD is really chatty and some of the sweet things she comes out with bring tears to my eyes, I feel so simultaneously proud of and amused by her!

And a new one for me has been watching toddler DD and baby DS grinning and giggling at each other in the morning while DD tells DS about our forthcoming holiday "in a lighthouse". Heartwarming doesn't quite describe it!

(Trying to get them both up, fed, dressed and amused is still bloomin hard work though!)

Oh yes, my toddler is a sweetheart and she loves her little brother so much - which was unexpected and is adorable.

But I do not cope with tantrums well. I am just not patient enough for it, will be glad to see the back of them!

Should add, that on their own each one of my children is absolutely delightful company.

It's together that they drive me mad.

It's like some hideous nuclear fusion of personalities which creates a monster which is more than the sum of its parts.

At the risk of sounding like my mother I think you have to take each stage as it comes and try to enjoy it as much as you can because it really does fly by (though it might not seem it when you are stuck in the middle of a particularly annoying phase!). I think the secret is to lower your expectation of what you can reasonably achieve in terms of social life in the early years. At 3 and a half months I hadn't really got over the shock of actually having a baby let alone worked out how to incorporate being a parent with "normal" life. I think life does settle down in as much as you adapt your life to fit your circumstances, but the truth is you'll never go back to the way you were. I never entertained any hopes (or indeed desire) of returning to the life I had before I had the kids I just tried to embrace the change - socialising with other people who have children and therefore keep the same hours (needing to get back for babysitters, not staying out too late (or being too hungover) to prepare for the inevitable early starts etc). As for dealing with multiple kids well ironically that is what gives you perspective - when I had ds I wondered what ever I used to do all day when I only had dd to worry about. Ultimately though having the two of them two years apart is what really bought me some time as they played with each other so I didn't have to all the time.

I found the first year, especially the first 3 months the hardest. I struggled with feeding and had mild anxiety.
After a year, it's just got better, and better. I loved it when DS started to talk - he could tell me what he wanted! The toddler years were great fun although we did have it easy as DS was very easy going and rarely tantrummed and crucially, had a two hour nap every day until he was 3 years old.
He's been harder work at 3 and 4 as he gets a bit more defiant but that's balanced by him also becomming more indepedent and being able to do more things that I find fun too - like playing board games and reading Roald Dahl books!
It's a personality thing, both yours and the child. DS was a difficult baby but easy toddler. I prefer walking/talking toddlers to babies who do nothing but eat and sleep, especially when it's struggle to get them to do either!

I hate in threads like this, when someone is finding things hard, that people jump in and say the next stage is even harder. Personally, I think people forget just how draining and disabling the sleep deprivation with a very new baby can be. I found I just couldn't think straight and was hormonal to boot.

OP, I think you are at the tough bit now. As ours have got older, they have got more demanding time-wise, but it is so much easier when you are no longer hormonal and have had a bit of sleep. There gets a stage when you dodn't have to do every little thing for them and imo, that is when it gets much easier.

My mother (whose children are now all in 30s/40s) always says, with a loving but martyred smile, "being a mother is a life sentence"

It's all about attitude, isn't it? the more "in the moment" one can be as a parent, the happier the whole thing is, IMO

Couldn't agree more betty. The effect of having your first ESP with all that physical side is just the worst.

That other stages are difficult is matter of experience (based on dc and parents) but its rare you have to do it whilst a sleep deprived hormonal mess who has coped with major life change and potentially getting over surgery.

Mine are now 12 and 15 (boys). For me, definitely the toddler stage.

I think it depends on both you and your DC.

Mine were both incredibly easy babies. My shining moment! [gloat emoticon]
DS was awful hard work from 2 - 7
DD is beginning to be a stroppy teen now at 12

Every "child" has their moment IMHO and as parents we are often better at some ages than others.

it may be rose tinted specs but dd was a dream baby up until about 3 and has been a bit of a mare ever since and she is 7 in April. She is starting to calm down a bit now so people say

The hardest stage is when they are doing UCAS and A2s.

The early years are pure bliss.

i'm hoping the rest of her child/teenhood will be a breeze lol

I think first year with DC2 when dd was 2.6 + was a pretty hard one. But returning to work is another challenge too. I'm just looking for a new job ATM. And trying to balance again what will be best for us all.
Being a Mum isn't easy - there's a big responsibility to try to get it all right for everyone's sake

I think a lot depends on the individual child. I have known children who were incredibly placid as babies and toddlers and felt so envious. Sometimes, though, those placid ones become nightmare teenagers. (Well, I hope they do. It wouldn't be fair otherwise.)

For me, I found the baby stage very difficult and tiring but in many ways the toddler stage was even worse. If you have (as I did) a toddler who is into everything, wants to throw everything down the loo or into the bin, wants to pull everything off the shelf, is basically into everything, never gets tired, never wants to settle down and play with toys but just wants to run around and demand things, constantly insists on having a chocolate or a yoghurt or a drink or whatever and screams if they don't get their way - that kind of toddler is just utterly wearing. And the thing is, you can't reason with toddlers and you can't really discipline toddlers, whatever the books tell you. They see no reason at all why they should do what you tell them. At the end of a 12-hour shift you're exhausted. And it just goes on and on and on, seven days a week, seemingly without end.

My DC got a lot easier once out of the toddler stage. But I fear she is about to get worse again as teenagerhood strikes.

For me it was from newborn right up to just past toilet training/in own bed stage. Mainly because -

A. I didn't have the first clue about babies

and

B. I didn't have a gazillion eyes in the back of my head.

I think, like anything, it kind of depends what kind of person you are and what kind of person your DC is. I find it easier once it's possible to explain things and reason with them - which starts from about 18 months, I reckon, and then grows super fast from then on. DS is only 3 so haven't hit teenagedom, of course, but not all teenagers are horrible and not all parents clash with their teenage children. Babies are HARD, IMO, because you can't explain anything.

Also, it depends on how much your other half helps, and if they're there at all. Massive respect to single parents.

starkadder, does it really start at 18 months? There may be light at the end of the tunnel for us very soon in that case - I just can't cope for long stretches with someone who can't speak, can't reason and screams whenever he doesn't get what he wants.

for me, it is the first year or 18months. so far. (children are 2 & 5 so not had teens yet!) as a direct result of sleep deprivation. I find the toddler and young school age (as my children are now) lovely and rewarding, yes hard work but much much less tough than the first 18 months of my second child in particular who was a terrible sleeper (still not great but better than he was!). I can cope and do with relative ease with the pitfalls that toddlerdom brings (constant watching, moving things, no things of real value around, risks to their safety everywhere you go) and the independence of a 5yo growing up brings (homework, wanting to grow up quicker than she is etc) as long as I have sleep. But. Even getting dressed and older child to school with a non-sleeping newborn. Impossible.

For me the hardest stage was the first 3-4 months as DS was a colicky crying baby. I remember someone saying to me when DS was a few weeks old that it will be MUCH easier when he is 4 months. And it was! Then I think you have a lovely period of calm between 5-7 months when they are settled a bit more and not crawling yet. The next difficult stage is when they start crawling/ walking because you will never relax and have to follow them all the time. That is difficult physically but not mentally. The toddler stage is hard mentally. To stay calm when they go through a meltdown 10 times ( or more) a day is incredibly HARD. It's like working on A&E , all the time under stress. My DS is 2 1/2 and it's getting a bit better. Day by day he is calmer. Hope it lasts. :)